


oh baby (i'm yours)

by junhees



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Eventual Romance, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, Intimacy, M/M, Public Humiliation, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2019-07-27 07:39:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 121,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16214501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junhees/pseuds/junhees
Summary: junhee is south korea’s biggest trackstar and sehyoon, with all his luck, is the path he chooses to runs on.





	1. run

**Author's Note:**

> oh boy Oh Boy, this is my first time writing something in YEARS, i've been on writers block for gosh how long?? i'm trying my best so please be nice um yeah hope you enjoy please leave feedback if you can <3 also please keep everything in the tags in mind so yeah that's that

~~~~It's a Sunday morning, 2am to be exact, when Sehyoon knows he fucked up.

By dawn he'll become the laughing stock of Willow Grove University. For a class of exceptionally intelligent adults, they're far too immature.

Sehyoon brought this upon himself, didn't he? You down three and a half bottles of off-brand Belvedere, because who the fuck can afford the real deal when you're knee deep in student loans, and think you're a new person. Wrong. He's still 22-year old Kim Sehyoon who's currently on his knees at the party of God Knows Who in front of his bygone boyfriend pleading for forgiveness when he shouldn't even be the one apologizing.

He ignores the cameras and begins to sob, hiccups of _I need you_ and _You're gonna regret this_. He wonders what his mom would think if she sees her sweet baby boy went viral for kissing the feet of the guy she never approved of, the guy her son snuck out of the house at midnight for, the guy Sehyoon took to homecoming _and_  prom, the guy Sehyoon spent 5 years of his life on despite being told he was no good.

Well, guess who he proved right?

He portrayed a toddler better than the kid itself, kicking and screaming, rolling around on the floor because he didn't get what he wanted. It went on for so long that he couldn't even remember what it was exactly that he yearned for and it wasn't until everyone's storage reached maximum value that he caught up to the cheap alcohol and accepted the fact that he was indeed, done for. The aroma of hot bodies choked him as he blurred his vision, scanning the room for the nearest exit, rocketing once identified.

Sehyoon knew one thing, his grades were gonna pit. He'll be damned if he showed up to class Monday. If he did, he'd only be clowned for a good ten minutes until he's sent elsewhere for class disruption, not like it's his fault, it definitely was his fault. He'd probably receive an email in a few hours saying he's excused for the rest of the week. He knows it won't happen, but the absurd imagination puts a smile on his face as he paced campus.

He can't go back to his dorm, he's certain Byeongkwan has had more than enough of his whining, the poor boy has growls at everyone who eyes Sehyoon, even for a second. He's his best friend, his only friend and Sehyoon knows he's tired, tired of defending him, tired of being the shoulder he cries on, tired of bringing him overdue assignments he's had to journey across campus to get, only for Sehyoon to scribble some random shit that gets him half his average grade, _at least put in some effort this time_ , the amount of times he's heard that in the past month.

Everyone's tired of him. He doesn't have a single clue who everyone is, but it's true. Not to be dramatic, but he’d be better off dead. Right? Out of sight, his voice no longer heard, his name soon forgotten. Maybe everyone who plans on posting him would feel bad if he died, deleting the video from their phones, going back on social media to pay their respects, holding some small kind of gathering in honor of him, he doubts it. Maybe his ex would realize that Sehyoon was telling the truth, that he'd never lie to him, that he was his everything and he really did plan on spending the rest of his life with him, he doubts it. Maybe if he just decided to skip class for the remainder of the year, the board would figure he dropped out or something, after all he's been pretty close a few times, he doubts it. His room would be raided before anything, getting both him and Byeongkwan in trouble and that's the last thing he wants to do after all the boy does for him.

He's neared suicide a few times. Of course they all went awry, hence his presence today, as tainted as that is. He wanders the grounds of the school he went through hell to get into, just to be with his soulmate. A few places cross his mind, all not worthy of being the pillar for his final breath. The roof of the library is suitable, but Sehyoon's out of shape and would probably call campus security to help him down the second he's reached the top, there's one factor. He could jump into the river near the residence halls, but he realized his sophomore year it was powered by a motor and is all for show, another factor. Nothing really works in his favor, does it?

He remembers sitting on the bleachers of the football stadium once with Byeongkwan and listened to his friend rant about how high and dangerous they were for the marching band to play on every Saturday.

Lightbulb.

Cardio was something Sehyoon was punished with in Junior High for not participating in gym class. Of course he skipped after having to run half a lap around the track, it wasn't for him, but he's never ran so fast in his life to the stadium. His head spinning, booze churning his intestines, he would've been worrying about having his stomach pumped if he hadn't been so sure about this. He's never been more positive about something before.

To his surprise the gate was open, less panic about getting his jeans caught in the pickets and more time to soak in the joy of never feeling more alive. This is what he wanted, this is what everyone wanted. A note would be a more proper goodbye, at least let his dear mother know his reason, but she'd probably feel less sympathy for her child if she knew he killed himself over a boy and public humiliation, she'd call him a coward, probably spit on his grave too. A note for the custodians cleaning up his mess would be nice, but they've probably seen worse, right? It's not like they care about him anyway, no one does.

Byeongkwan would be devastated, no doubt, but the thought of rooming alone even stops Sehyoon midway through the climb to the top. He'd be more relieved of not having to comfort his friend who cries every other day than anything, Sehyoon’s doing him a favor.

He sits on the edge of the final stand, swinging his feet back and forth, admiring the height he’s at, analyzing the exact angle he'd land at. In mere moments, he’ll finally be free, no more threats, no more stress, no more crying, everyone would be free of the weight on their shoulders. This was their motive from the beginning, Sehyoon was about to give them what they wanted, he was letting them win. He stood, his legs wobbling ever so slightly, a light smile on his face...

 **. . .**  

Run.

The word shined boldly on the screen of his phone. No doubt coach would be awake at two in the morning on a Sunday, probably laying out the next set of moves he had for Junhee on his game board. He has to be especially perfect for the old man. 

Which is why he complies to the text and let's Donghun win at their hour long game of Uno. Both men not being able to sleep and Donghun suggesting a short round, one turning into three, lasting longer than expected. His roommate complained and worried for his safety, offering to keep company, but that was the last thing Junhee wanted, more company equals more distractions. He shut him up with a proffer to take him out to the expensive 24 hour café in the engineering department the second he returns.

He almost throws the keys to the stadium in the incinerator of his building, but considers his consequence and chokes himself for a second with the lanyard before continuing to the elevator.

After all, this is his passion, right?

He runs on his way to the track. Runs until he's already broken through a new pair of shoes, until there's blisters on his base and heels, until old sores rebloom, until the gravel infects his feet terribly that it sends him back to the ER, resulting in a week out of practice, which leaves him going harder than his body can obtain.

He ran campus on an empty stomach once his freshman year, coach encouraged the rookies to hold back on meals before practice, his subtle way of telling 17 year old boys to starve themselves. His life on the line was old news to the man once Junhee won the gold at nationals, granting the whole team a well deserved week free of hell.

His finger pointed at the Olympics this year, he has to go out with a bang, prove coach wrong once and for all, that he’s equipped to be the best of the best, it’s come home number one or accept the disgrace of being first loser. And Junhee was far from a loser.

He doesn't stop, not even to unlock the gate, sprinting in place, taking off once freed. Getting the same result on his third 400M attempt, he sits only to return to his feet and jog, cameras are probably on him, catching his every angle, if he's seized sitting, that's his life.

He wonders for a second, how life would be if pressure wasn't on him every minute of everyday. He'd probably go out, drink his life away, turn in assignments late, live the university dream just like everyone else. But he was far from being like everyone else, he never wanted to be like anyone else but himself, built that mentality last year after being punished for watching another runner's technique on YouTube. Never again. He has his own way of doing things, his own way of getting things, it isolates him from the rest and he's learned to accept if not love it.

Somewhere between idolizing a normal adult life and a new style to beat his personal record, he begins to cry, the wind peeling his tears towards the back of his head as he throws one foot in front of the other. He hasn't cried since Donghun hugged him for his 18th birthday and told him that he was doing great, that he'd make it to the top one day and to never give up. He was now at the top, this was what he wanted, he's now the dreaded word, perfect, everyone's shining star, he shouldn't be the one crying.

His pace slows when he discerns a figure on the stands. No one should be here but him, his fault for leaving the gate open. And for the first time in quite the while, he walks, crossing through the football field to the bleachers. About to yell for the figure to leave when it stands, back towards Junhee, it does nothing for a minute but stand there, like it's waiting to be moved. It's only when it spreads it's arms in preparation to fly is when Junhee becomes conscious of this outcome. _Oh dear God_ , Junhee's voice barely sounds and his legs launch themselves towards the culprit. He skips every other stand and barely makes it in grabbing the tip of the male's finger, using whatever upper body strength he can sustain after midnight in bringing the other towards him, wrapping both arms around him as if he's his mother once succeeding.

"Are you crazy? You could've fucking killed yourself up there! What the hell is wrong with you?" Junhee, oblivious to his own words, shakes the boy. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so harsh, are you okay?" He skims him.

"That was the point." Sehyoon wrangles himself from Junhee's grip and practically throws himself down the bleachers.

Junhee holds his silence and follows. He's never been in a situation as such. He's never met someone like this, in search of what words to say, afraid the wrong thing will send the other over the edge. Literally.

Sehyoon pounds his forehead with the ball of his palm. Something, it's always something that resumes his suffering, he leaves the stadium, hearing the gate close behind him. "Would you please stop following me." It comes out as a demand more so question.

Junhee doesn't accede, "Where's your dorm? Let me walk you."

"I said stop following me, I'm okay." Sehyoon faces Junhee, yet stares at the concrete below.

"You just tried to—I'm taking you to your dorm." Junhee says, reluctant in grabbing Sehyoon's sleeve, but does so anyway. "You're also drunk out of your mind, I can smell your breath from behind you." Sehyoon leaves the words he wants to say on his tongue because he's right. "I'm Junhee."

 _I know_ , is what Sehyoon would like to say, but he doesn't think out loud because who the fuck doesn't know Junhee, the Park Junhee, it's kind of embarrassing that he has to introduce himself, he thinks. If Sehyoon were Mr. Perfect, he wouldn't waste his time on taking a drunk boy who got on his knees for his ex back to his room. Why is he even being nice to him? Hasn't he heard about Kim Sehyoon, the one who supposedly fucked his boyfriend's sister and got caught? Kim Sehyoon, the no one who became someone overnight. Of course he knows Sehyoon, everyone knows him now, sure his eyes are bloodshot and his voice is out of pitch but he's still the same old Sehyoon, depressed and insecure, couldn't get better than that.

If he was in his right mind, he'd flee from Junhee, probably would've jumped the second he heard the trackstar's foot clash with the metal of the bleachers, but he didn't. And for a second, a thought that he actually doesn't want to kill himself occurs, but he's wrong because he does. He's always wrong, according to the entirety of their university. But Sehyoon's eyes keep crossing and Junhee has to lift him like a child learning how to walk every five minutes because his feet are winding between each other and all he's aching to do right now is curl up under Byeong and tell him how he messed up, again, because he knows he'll listen, he always listens. Always.

And that's exactly what he does. Junhee and Byeongkwan exchange smiles when Sehyoon's dropped off and it leaves him thinking, just for a second, that the possibility of history between the two is likely, Byeongkwan would never show gratitude to a stranger. Maybe Byeongkwan paid Junhee or offered him an incentive for stalking Sehyoon whenever he went out and of course, Sehyoon had no idea. Maybe this was a set up, the whole rescue thing, to teach Sehyoon a lesson, Byeongkwan's profound way of showing Sehyoon that he should cherish his life and that someone actually does care about him. He doesn't question their relationship, just cries into his best friend's chest and falls asleep in his arms after another course of comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads up the first few chapters are slow and written a bit shittily but i promise it gets better guys just bare with me


	2. wake me up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as confusing as it is, this does in fact take place in korea BUT school wise, is going by the american system because i have no idea how things work in sk and i'm sure that's a lot of research...i’m lazy.

Despite Byeongkwan's promise of taking legal action against anyone who breathes too close to Sehyoon, as assuring it sounds, he skips class. The perks of having a law student as your roommate, he guesses. Never minding the fact that his grades are digging their own pit, he swears to come Tuesday, a fresh start.

Or whenever he's finished depositing his insides.

He doesn't get why Byeongkwan leaves him alone. Perhaps this is a plan, he knows what Sehyoon's up to, he has another peer who will play lifeguard. Which is exactly why his gaze averts from an open bottle of Byeongkwan's prescription to the ceiling. Maybe he just trusts Sehyoon.

The salt from his tears sits dried on his cheeks. It boggles him, how his ex is the victim, how word gets around so fast, how innocent popularity makes you look. Sehyoon doesn't even like girls, for fucks sake why would he pull something so crumby on the love of his fucking life? He wouldn't want to see the boy hurt in a million years, eyes shot with complete fear when he seen him cry, he was so confused. Hell, he still is, no one's taking the time to hear his side.

He should stomp into class and tell on everyone who's doing this to him. This is bullying after all, right? No. If he has nothing left, he still holds on to his pride.

His phone blinks a few times, he figures it's another round of threats and ignores but it continues after a couple minutes and he goes to put on Do Not Disturb.

 **bk** : _you're wanted in dean's office_

 **bk** : _now_

 **bk** : p _lease sehyoon get off your ass and go, this is serious_

 **bk** : t _hey're gonna come to our room and if they find the weed i've been stashing for yuchan i'm kicking your stupid ass, get the fuck up_

 **bk** : _if_ _i have to come get you so help me god_

Sehyoon takes another glance at the tempting bottle before giving Byeongkwan a _"k"_  and nearly stopping his blood circulation with how tight he's holding his face together with his sweatshirt.

Hopefully. Hopefully this is the part where things begin to look up for the lame who almost gave into public humiliation. The part where the bad guys get the consequence and the innocent gets his justice, his freedom.

Wrong.

This is _not_ the part where the bad guys get what they deserve and the innocent has his happy ending. This is far from a happy ending. More so the beginning of a nightmare. A nightmare where the innocent is somehow shaped into a bad guy, where the bad guys aren't even acknowledged, like a set up almost, where the heroes play villians.

The school's dean sits in front of him, blazer a tad bit big on her shoulders and a shade of lipstick quite too dark for her skin complexion printed on the cup of coffee she just sat down. "Kim Sehyoon, I think you're already aware but being on private property without a warrant is considered trespassing, can get you up to 6 months in prison, I don't think you want that."

"I wasn't."

Sehyoon didn't trespass. On private property at that, he hasn't left campus in two weeks, considering that dorms are still _on campus_ despite being quite the walk from school, and even when he has it's to the grocery store and that's 24 hours so it's not considered trespassing. Unless there was some rule Sehyoon wasn't enlightened on. That'd be rather shitty for Mrs. Son to do, leaving the fact that she loves Sehyoon dearly. He rarely commits crimes, maybe stealing a pack of Starbursts from the corner store every now and then, but nothing serious, "But I didn't trespass, you probably got the wrong person."

She purses her lips. “You inside Min Stadium early Sunday morning? That's no mistake. Actually, we have you on camera, would you like to see? Just to verify that you can identify yourself, of course." She clasps her hands, smiling sweetly.

This was a nightmare, indeed. A terror. He knew there were security cameras, yes, but it was just a story told to freshman that they actually worked, everyone knew that. 

No one was supposed to know about that night. Not even his mother, who he's sure will be called soon about her son climbing to the top of the bleachers in a sour attempt at flying. He'll be forced to tell her how bad he's been suffering his whole life, she'll probably blame herself then tell the family and they'll do the same thing, blame themselves for not visiting Sehyoon very often. If he had the chance to erase the mind of his, quote unquote, hero, he would. Probably no use now, he probably ran his mouth to all his trackmates, Sehyoon's screwed. Byeongkwan's pills would've came in handy earlier.

"What were you doing up there anyway?" Thank God. "Needed some fresh air? The residence hall roofs are higher than those, you could touch a bird up there. That's what I used to do in University. You're probably stressed, huh? Finals coming up and all, but trespassing? I've never had you in my office before and I'm sure I wasn't going to either, you seem like a good kid, this probably wasn't intentional, I'll let you off with a warni—"

Her glass door swung open, most likely would've shattered had the stopper not been there. A man with a shirt far too small for his belly stomps in. He stares coldly at Sehyoon. “This the boy who had the nerve to trespass on my property?" He looks like he was about to spit on him.

"The gate was open." Sehyoon murmurs and the man aims a roll of papers at him, lowering his hand after dean hissed at him.

"I'm letting him off with a warning." Her smile begins to fade.

"A warning? Are you stupid, woman? This son of a bitch distracted my star runner, I can't afford that. Fine his sorry ass, I'll take him to court! His face was red, but Sehyoon didn't think it was that serious.

"Coach, I don't think that's necessary."

The words almost came out as a laugh from the voice behind Sehyoon, he barely recognized it. Sehyoon turned and his brain went mushy at the display of the boy who probably thought he saved his life. Sehyoon's eyes scarcely widened until he almost gave himself whiplash, facing his dean again, face frantic.

"You stay your ass out of this. I know what's necessary, you don't. You didn't have to save this dumbass, now you're wasting my time, my precious time, I don't have much left." The old man stood in front of Junhee, completely invisibilizing the boy.

"I'm sorry." Dean blinked, "Saved?"

Coach huffed through his nostrils. "The sicko tried to kill himself! You're allowing this at your school? I should've retired thirty years ago."

Everything else was inaudible to Sehyoon, the sound of his heart pounding its way out of his chest felt like it could be heard by everyone. The way dean's eyes softened, like she gone into overprotective mother mode, it made him want to go straight for the door. She's gonna want to talk, everyone wants to talk, but to someone who's suicidal? Oh, she's gonna have a lot to say, a lot to ask, but Sehyoon doesn't want to talk. He always talks, there's never a moment when he isn't doing so, whether it's to Byeongkwan or to himself, he's talking every second of everyday, but right now? Right now he'd like to neck himself.

"Is this true, Kim Sehyoon?" She wanted to hold her hands out, but hesitated slightly.

"Damn right it's true! Isn't it, Junhee?" Coach revealed the trackstar again, this time the bland expression wiped from his face, replaced by fear.

He was going to say something wrong. Something he'd regret. Something that would make Sehyoon loathe his existence forever. Sehyoon knew he would.

"No." Junhee's voice stood sternly, "That's not what happened. I was running." Sehyoon could hear the lie drip from his tongue. “Running to tell him to leave, yeah. Then I think I scared him and he almost fell, I caught him." He nodded.

"You told me the kid was gonna jump, did you lie to me, boy?"

"I told you he jumped. As in I startled him, you got it wrong, Coach." He laid a hand on his shoulder, gripping.

The quietness was eating Sehyoon up. He wanted to go back to his room. Probably cry for the first and second hand embarrassment he's receiving.

Dean clapped, "Well, you're all dismissed. Sehyoon, I'm letting you off with a warning." She waited until the door shut. "And if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here, honey. You're never alone."

The words felt like an insult almost. He's always alone. "You heard what he said. I jumped. He scared me."

He bowed marginally, nearly knocking her chair over at how fast he converted to the door. Hoping he doesn't catch one of his professors in the building right now, legs practically at a run. He can taste the conversation now, they wonder where he's been, he'll tell them he's been under the weather but they know he's lying, they know what's going on, probably had a faculty meeting about it, nobody knowing how to approach him.

Luckily, he doesn't. He escapes faster than the way he left the corner store when he stole and the cashier eyed him the whole time. He keeps his head low crossing campus, everyone's moving to class, all in a rush, some, very few, roaming freely, like they have no place to be, they have no worries. Sehyoon wishes he could trade places with them, just for a minute, leave this life of misery, he'd trade it for anything. But in the moment, he prays to make it back to his dorm safely. Fear of someone grabbing him, fear of confrontation, fear of being socked in his already beat up face, so vulnerable he can't even defend himself.

They're probably suspicious. Everyone walking past him. His legs moving at rapid speed, he probably looks stupid. The eyes he can't quite feel on him make him move even faster. He doesn't even know if he's going the right way, but it feels like it. He'll make it to his dorm. 

He pulls his phone from his back pocket, it almost slipping from his shaky hands. He texts the only person he can.

 **ksy** : _you owe me a fucking coffee_

 **bk** : _why so?_

 **ksy** : _she said i trespassed and let me off with a warning_

 **bk** : _trespassed? on what exactly..?_

 **ksy** : _sunday_

 **bk** : _but you told me the gate was unlocked_

 **ksy** :  _don't wanna talk about it,_

 **bk** : _got_ _it_.  _coffee it is, i'll get it later_

 **bk** : _we'll* you're coming with_

And that's all Sehyoon hears from him until later on. And frankly, he doesn't want to hear more from him then. It'd be nice to have a cup of coffee with your best friend, in silence. But with Byeongkwan? The boy talks a mile a minute, about nothing, at that. The way that chair isn't pushed all the way in? Byeongkwan could write a novel about that. Sehyoon thinks he'd be better off moping in his own misery than hearing him talk. But nonetheless, Byeongkwan is his best friend and though it wasn't an offer, he appreciates him taking him out. The café in the engineering department is on rather the expensive side but it has a phenomenal selection of drinks, Sehyoon hasn't be since freshman year.

"And her head? Good Lord, her head was fucking huge! We're in a seminar I get it, but for my sake, sit your fat ass head somewhere else." Byeongkwan chugged at his Iced Americano, wowing Sehyoon at how he hasn't gotten a brain freeze yet.

"Mmm." Sehyoon nods for the umpteenth time in the last thirty seconds. "I'm going to the bathroom, be right back."

"Need me to go with you?" Byeongkwan barely rises from his seat until Sehyoon pushes his shoulder down. "I'm okay,” he gives an uneasy smile.

He doesn't even have to use it, just an escape from blabbermouth. He's bored to death and a piece of shit for thinking like this about his only friend but it's true, Sehyoon really thought he did a lot of talking, turns out it's just a lot of his brain doing the work, leaving no space for his mouth. He could probably stall for a good ten minutes until Byeongkwan came searching, probably thoughts of him up to no good, yet again.

He sits in front of the mirror and stares. He's ugly, that's for sure. But that's nothing new, right? His bags and dark circles on full display, no strength to apply any makeup today, for the past month now that he thinks of it. He feels bad for the people who had to look at him since, and why they haven't ran away screaming for mercy, he looks like a monster. He's almost frozen when the toilet flushes and he hears someone step from the stall. He hangs his head low in panic of being seen by one of his classmates, turning for the door, hand up on his cheek when the voice he's been hearing quite often, as uncomfortable that is, sounds.

"Are you okay?"

Junhee.

He’s fucked. Set himself up. Epitome of a dumbass, that's Sehyoon. Someone rushing from the restroom with their head low, failing at covering their face, of course he doesn't look okay. He asked for it.

He tries to ignore him and continues for the door when he pulls him by the shoulder, forcing Sehyoon to face him. He's generous, Sehyoon caught on to that. Never could he care about people this much, his now bitter, cold heart.

"Oh? Kim Sehyoon! Hey, what're you doing here?" He flashes a cat-like grin that makes Sehyoon want to vomit.

"I was just about to go." Sehyoon points his thumb at the door.

"Are you here alone?" 

"Uh, no, but my friend is waiting for me, he'll probably get nasty with you if I'm not back soon." He laughs nervously, eyes searching for anything else to focus on other than Junhee's face.

"I'm sure that's not true." He's right because it's not, him and Byeongkwan seem to be friends, Sehyoon can't forget that. "How have you been holding up? I've been kind of worried about you, as weird as it sounds being that we don't really know each other." He scratched at his nape.

Worried? About Sehyoon? Impossible for one to say. Harder to believe. No one's ever worried about him.

"I don't think that's any of your business." He swallows his words.

Junhee does a double take. “Sorry?”

The next words fall out without effort, he doesn’t know where he found the bravery. "You probably think you saved me. Let me be the one to tell you, that isn't true. If anything you're the reason I'm still stuck in this hell hole. So please do me a favor, don't worry about me, and most importantly, don't talk to me. We can just act like yesterday never happened, go back to your happy go lucky life, forget about me." The most he's probably said in the past week.

Junhee looks at Sehyoon like he just murdered his dog. He probably thought Sehyoon was just like everyone else, he probably thought that was just one little bump in his utopia, that Sehyoon would greet him so brightly and thank him endlessly for ruining his life, offering him to have a drink with him and Byeongkwan. No. That's far from Sehyoon. He's a miserable boy who just wants to go home. Not home as in his dorm. Not home as in his mother's house. Home as in the moon, and not like an astronaut, he wants to be the actual moon, or a normal star, just somewhere up in the galaxy, shining at night, everyone looking up to him, making their sweet wishes, being at peace with his contact, that's what he wants. Instead, he's trapped in dystopia.

Sehyoon gives Junhee another second to talk and he fails, just stares. He leaves the bathroom, not looking back at his ice sculpture.

Byeongkwan's finished his cup and suggests they leave before his digestive system takes over. Sehyoon doesn't argue, he speaks nothing of Junhee on the walk back to their dorm, Byeongkwan would make him go back and apologize for being rude, he knows that. He wasn't being rude though, from his perspective of course, just speaking his mind but if someone was offended in the process of then that's a personal matter. He has that mentality. Not very healthy. Speaks for why he has one friend now, guess he deserves it.

Also speaks for why Junhee leaves the bathroom with a completely different face he went in with. He walks slow on his way back to the table, stumbling into tables and living beings, Donghun stares at him, immediately questioning once seated.

"Seen something in the toilet and now you'd like to wash your eyes with bleach?" He wraps his lips around his straw.

Junhee changes the course, "You have nice lips."

He grinned at him. "You wanna be my boyfriend so bad."

"And _you_  don't know what a compliment is, I'm leaving." He leaves a tip on the table for both him and Donghun and tosses his full cup in the trash, heading towards the exit.

Donghun sticks to his side like a toddler despite their one year age gap. "What's wrong?"

He can't tell him. He already told Coach and then he lied. He's a liar. A confused liar. He saved him, didn't he? He thinks he did. Coach thinks he did. He did. Sehyoon was fucking wasted for God's sake, he probably didn't even know what he was doing. Of course he saved him. He can't tell Donghun that, though. He'd run his mouth to everyone he knows a _nd_ doesn't know, rumor spreads fast and Junhee isn't sure if Sehyoon hates him but that would definitely do it.

"Nothing, meet this weekend I guess. Am I acting weird? I'm not weird though, I'm perfectly fine." He bites his top lip, gritting it between his teeth.

Donghun stops and gives him a look. A look he's familiar with because he's so used to bottling up his feelings and that look, that look spills out all of Junhee's vulnerability, only this time he can't be susceptible, he can't. He does the only thing he can think of. Takes off and doesn't stop, only turning around to yell "Catch me if you can!" to Donghun knowing well, he can't.     

  **.  .  .**  

It's near dawn and Sehyoon lays in bed, dilated pupils from the darkness, nothing but silence and the sound of Byeongkwan's deep breathing keeping him sane. He doesn't do much thinking, just admires the underappreciated beauty early morning brings. Insomnia at its finest. His eyes don't drift once, he's not sure if he's blinking either, just focusing on one piece of darkness above him.

An offer has always been up that if one can't sleep, they're welcome to invade the other's room, Sehyoon abusing that privilege one too many times even though Byeongkwan swears he doesn't mind. He's going to class today, that's a promise, he'll just have to face whatever comes for him. He'll probably fall asleep somewhere in between too, whatever works.

The foreign sound of a ringing phone interrupts his peace. He assumes it's Byeongkwan's and ignores the shrieking, but he can't forget that anyone would rue the day they disrupt Kim Byeongkwan during his resting hours, resulting in Do Not Disturb that he sometimes forgets to turn off. That leaves one culprit.

Sehyoon doesn't bother clearing his throat, voice cracking and tongue dry through his answering, "Hello?"

He hasn't received a phone call in months. It feels foreign to hold this box to his ear in anticipation of the other line.

"Is this Kim Sehyoon?"

He checks the Caller ID and it's unknown, he thinks about cutting the call short, the thought of someone getting ahold of his number baffling him.

"Who is this?" He wants to wake Byeongkwan, but doesn't have the patience to hear his complaining.

"Min Junho, track coach and Athletic Director at Willow Grove University, can I speak to Kim Sehyoon?"

He freezes at the introduction. He thought he was safe. Everything was resolved, he got his warning, hasn't done anything else since. Maybe this is an apology for the way he addressed Sehyoon earlier, immature for a man more than twice his age to act.

"Hello?"

Sehyoon snaps back into reality, "Ah. Ah, yeah, speaking."

"Sorry to bother at such an early hour, but I'd like to inform you that in order for me to drop legal fees against you, I will have you work for me and my team. I want to keep it simple for someone like you, regarding your circumstances and all, that's why it took me, to some extent, some time to create an easy solution, I hope it's no problem with you."

Weird apology.

"Come again?" Sehyoon thinks out loud. He has a warning on him, isn't that enough? And what does he mean by _someone like you_? _Regarding your circumstances_? He knows nothing about Sehyoon and his _circumstances._  "I thought I was let off with a warning."

"Yes. By administration. But this is my stadium, I own it, so I make the rules, and either you work for me or we take this to federal prosecutors and you'll see how that works."

Court doesn't seem that bad compared to working for a fat man and his sweaty pack of animals.

He continues. "Until the end of this season, you are to attend every track meet with my team, home and away. Whatever they need, I give you money, you buy it. You will be given credentials to grant your place on the track during official hours, if my boys need water, that's your job. You will also be given a key to my stadium, I want you here every afternoon to help set up for practice, and every evening to clean up, the locker rooms as well. Don't lose it. If you fail to complete any of these tasks, this deal will be off and you will be taken to court and fined. Clear?"

Sehyoon blinks at his silhouette beside him. It takes him a few minutes to digest the words told, letting the line grow an uncomfortable silence. This is not how a senior year works, last time he checked. The yearning pain for death was slowly beginning to fade but it's resurfaced it's way back to Sehyoon's heart.

"I said, are we clear?"

"Yeah. We're um, we're clear." Sehyoon comes to a stand and carefully ambulates the room, phone practically glued to his ear.

"I want you to start as soon as possible, Saturday we have a meet, does that work for you?"

The fact that he's verifying with Sehyoon if it's feasible makes it so tempting for him to deny, but he doesn't. He confirms and his contract is in full effect, if graduating wasn't something Sehyoon looked forward to before, it is now.

The call ends and he considers throwing himself from the window but their room is only on the second floor, no damage will be done, just a fine for ruining the school's flowerbeds.

Byeongkwan's alarm tones. Suddenly it's 8am. Sehyoon watches him kick a little on the mattress before dismissing and turning to face him, his body reacting before anything, jerking up at the sight of Sehyoon staring at his awakening figure.

"You're up, didn't sleep?" His voice is groggy, he wraps the blanket Sehyoon's mother knitted around his half exposed, bare body.

Sehyoon shakes his head, yawning contagiously after Byeongkwan, "I heard you on the phone, who was it?"

"Coach Min." Sehyoon responds duly, he feels empty inside knowing his fate for the next six months.

His eyebrow cocks, "What'd he want?"

Byeongkwan's jaw is sweeping the floor by time Sehyoon's finished reenacting the entire phone call.

"You, my friend, are fucked."


	3. rebooting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates are all over the place i write and update when i can.. pretty much

"Sehyoon, you're late." His first and only professor of the day catches him barely slip by through his peripheral. "Glad to see you back, though."

The remainder of his class is either a pool deep in their own drool or giving Sehyoon minimum attention with their eyes plastered to their phones.

His ex is in here, he knows exactly where because that was his seat as well. He would have Sehyoon's café order on his castle of books, a silent demand that he wanted Sehyoon by his side. No one ever sat there, the seat was always pushed in, a specific rule their professor enforced, letting him know where free seats were, yet no one ever sat there, like they all knew who the seat was reserved for. Sehyoon never complained, maybe sometimes, but only in his head, he liked the feeling of being thought of positively. The chair was now pulled from the table. He paused, one leg resting on the upcoming step, and let his gaze focus on the bag stealing his spot. Not the person next to it, he wouldn't dare look there. It stung. 

"Are you going to find a seat, Sehyoon?" His professor cleared his throat. He realizes how long he's been standing there and scurries to the first free chair his eyes land on.

A girl occupied by her broken pair of glasses doesn't shoot him any kind of glance when he plops into the seat, hands rushed into his bookbag. The male on his opposite is gargling his own sylvia and Sehyoon thinks about waking him because he's scared he'll choke, but he doesn't talk to people he doesn't know, that's risky.

The lesson begins and Sehyoon then is reminded why his eyes begin to droop and his lips slightly part. It's not the fact that he hadn't gotten a drop of sleep the previous night. His professor's voice is the personified replica of a dull pencil. The ones you forget are at the very bottom of your bag, that you find when you're in a rush to get something down, you reach in, relieved of the embarrassment you would've received from endless searching, but the pencil might as well be considered broken because the tip is insanely flat. Those pencils? That's his voice.

He's woken with a slap from a ruler to his table, he stares at the semi damp piece of plastic then wipes his mouth. He's the only one left in the room, in no rush to get back to his dorm when his phone dings, rather familiar lately.

 _ **Scam Likely**_ is whathis phone titles the unrecognized number, but Sehyoon knows who it is without a double take and saves the contact

 _ **min junho**_ : Need you to help with practice, be here in an hour.

He wonders if he should blame how long his lecture went on for or how long he slept on why it's currently 2:03PM when he walked in at 9:16AM.

 _ **ksy**_ : will be there

"Sehyoon.” He forgets his professor is still standing over him and snaps his head in response. "I appreciate the fact that you're returning to class after a rough few weeks, but I'd appreciate it even more if you didn't sleep, you've missed so much I'm afraid you won't be able to get through finals."

So they did have that faculty meeting.

"Yes, sir." He packs everything back into his bag and gives him an angled, not perfect, but acceptable bow.

"I'm serious, Sehyoon." He calls from behind him and Sehyoon turns around to give him another bow and quick smile. He can see the disappointment in the man's eyes.

But Sehyoon isn't worried about someone else's disappointment, he’s received enough of that from his mother. He's worried about if he'll have enough time to get changed, charge his phone because somehow, despite him barely laying a finger on it, its juices are draining, and find the quickest way to the stadium because it's more so on the far side from his residence hall. He isn't sure what the result of him being a few minutes late is, but could pass on finding out.

With relief, he makes it there just a second after he should've been. He stole a watch from Byeongkwan's dresser, leaving a small note about how much he loves him and if it ends up broken he'll repay him with all the hugs in the world, he'll probably end up getting his ass beat by the little guy but it'll be worth it, he kept his time in place as he ran the errands that rolled in from Junho when he was just five minutes from the stadium.

"You're late." Junho doesn't bother looking up from his clipboard when Sehyoon drops the 48 pack of water on the floor of his office.

"Sorry, it won't happen again. There was a line at—"

"I don't like excuses,” he shifts from the clipboard to a laptop, "just leave it at sorry."

"Sorry." Sehyoon repeats and begins dragging the pack into the equipment room, he fills the power tanker until the water does more than overflow because that's apparently how Junho likes it, and has the hardest time pulling it onto the track, but gets the job done.

He's finished with hurdles when the school of boys pour out from the locker room onto the field and initiate stretching, he finds a place on the oh, so taunting bleachers. He can't leave. He wish he could, but he already asked and was scolded for a solid 10 minutes. Junho didn't make eye contact with him, not even once.

Sehyoon doesn't even realize he's laid down and on the ridge of being reunited with his happiest state when a whistle sends his eardrums into shock.

"Kid! Get up I need you timing these fools." Junho tweets the whistle again just to tease him.

He trips on his way down and could've sworn he heard a few laughs but doesn't bet on it. If he wasn't intimidated by the amount of eyes on him before, he has no doubt he is now. A pack of sticky, barking athletes drooling at him, he feels small with a stopwatch in his hand, apologetically having to stop someone midway because he accidentally resets it, receiving another round of obnoxious groans from the ones waiting their turn. He prays hard during everyone's break that he's fired and all charges are dropped and he can move on with his miserable life because he doesn't know what he's doing, but they aren't answered when he's back on the track, feet aching as he times hurdles.

"Decent job today. Qualifying meet Saturday I need all of varisty here at seven sharp," he turns to Sehyoon, “you come at 6:30." Sehyoon nods. "Everyone else don't enjoy your free weekend too much. You're all dismissed."

Sehyoon can still hear them howling laughs from inside the locker room while he stacks the hurdles and cones and can't help but feel that he's the joke at hand, it's his first instinct. He could be wrong but what're the chances of him being right? 

The hurdles are doing more of controlling him than vice versa, but continues to gather them despite the constant smacking force against his legs. If he’s lucky he’ll only wake up the following morning without a limp, just the bruises he can see surfacing upon his skin.

The stars has painted themselves across the sky and Sehyoon drowns in their beauty while Byeongkwan rushes him to come home, every word going through one ear and coming out the other.

"I ordered takeout and it's getting cold, I know you're hungry." The line goes silent and Byeongkwan begins to whine again. "Sehyoon? Are you listening?"

"I'm coming, just be patient." He locks all the doors he's previously opened, catching on quick to all of Junho's rules.

"Come soon, please? I just wanna cuddle." His voice curls and Sehyoon wants to cuddle just as bad but what he doesn't want is a criminal record, which is why he's taking his time.

"Sehyoon!" Junho shouts from his office like he knows Sehyoon will hear him, "Don't forget the locker room, boy!"

He exhales a sigh because he almost did.

"I'll be there," is all he says before he cuts the call and enters what he expects to be a junk yard.

Except it's actually far from a junk yard. It's clean. Excluding some minor things that would send a neat freak like Byeongkwan flying, the room is fine and it leaves Sehyoon questioning if Junho actually comes inside often.

He slams every locker shut while he sweeps because they're all open. Every last one and he figures that privacy just doesn't exist in the world of sports. This punishment is complete torture for someone who was forced by his mother after cries and screams to attend a single quarter of a basketball game with his father before they had to leave because the man had to resume his frantic schedule, Sehyoon did anything to make his dad feel like he was making him happy when in reality it was the first steps in the making of the man Sehyoon is today, an unstable coward. And it's only the first day. What the hell is he gonna do for the next six months?

He almost calls back Byeongkwan to come help though there isn't much to do, Byeongkwan will catch everything leaving Sehyoon to sit and watch, but paranoia catches up to him and he knows what would happen if Junho caught another stranger in his most prized posession. He'd not only get Byeongkwan in trouble, but himself in even more, neither boy deserves so he continues to sweep in silence. His mind retraces the dean's office and Junho honestly should have retired 30 years ago, would've made the whole school's atmosphere better, he's certain of that.

"Stopwatch beat you up that much?"

Sehyoon catches a grip on the stick of the broom as his hands get moist and legs go limp. He struggles to turn and face Junhee, again, but succeeds after a moment. A towel only holds his bottom half together and Sehyoon only feels it’s was appropriate to look elsewhere, his eyes.

Which are currently scanning Sehyoon's legs, he feels uncomfortable, keeping his jeans on would've worked out in his favor had he known this would happen.

"Your legs are pretty bad. Want some ice?"

Sehyoon could definitely use some. On fire was an understatement, the pain to them was indescribable. Needless to say, he denies and continues to sweep, but seen the worry on Junhee’s face, the same look that he can't seem to wipe his memory of from that night, that forsaken night, he regrets everything, and changes his mind after more sweeping at the same spot he's been going for the past five minutes and Junhee immediately sits him down and runs to the back, wherever that is.

He returns with a pack far too big for his hands that makes Sehyoon want to help, his one caring instinct on full display tonight, but sits himself back on the uncomfortable wooden ledge when Junhee's eyes meet his, he feels weak, he doesn't know why and that's probably what he dislikes most about this situation, but nonetheless he let's him sit the cubes over both legs. He applies soft pressure that almost makes Sehyoon wince, but he holds it in.

"You look like me during freshman year. You haven't tried any hurdles, have you?" He tries to joke but Sehyoon can't even force a laugh because he's upset with himself for even letting Junhee get so close to him after telling him off just a little over a day ago. He can't force a laugh because he did try the hurdles, he tried to pick them up but they fought, he couldn't even fight back.

The dismissed joke leaves them in an uncomfortable atmosphere. A partially clothed boy he wants nothing to do with caring to his boo-boos, he could be doing anything else. Anything at all. But here he is.

"I can drive you to your room—"

Sehyoon refuses to let anything else get weird. "No, I can walk. Thank you th—"

"You can barely stand. Here, just hold that there,” he stands, hands still on the ice pack, "and I'll get dressed."

"I have to clean."

"Is that why you're here? To clean? He won't notice a thing, you'll be fine."

He's right because the room is practically spotless.

He moves the ice pack from him and comes to a stand, limping, tears almost at his eyes from how bad he's burning and misses the cold comfort on his legs. He leaves out before Junhee can finish dressing, dragging one leg after another.

He only makes it outside the gate when a car comes to a speedy stop beside him, the window down, Junhee pops his head out. "Get in."

Sehyoon ignores because he doesn't want help. He does, but not from him. So, he ignores. He ignores and continues limping, feeling like shackles are latched onto him. Making it another few steps when the car is pulled onto the sidewalk, blocking his path. He moves left, the car reverses, he moves right, it drives. He can't win.

"Get in." Junhee repeats in the same tone.

Sehyoon let's Junhee reach over to open the door, holding the ice pack over him to return to his bruises once he's seated and he does.

"You don't have to do this."

He brings the car back to the street and ignores Sehyoon's previous comment. "Where's it again?"

He doesn't even know and Sehyoon considers not telling for a second but the outcome of him being locked inside a still, practical, stranger's car is making him anxious. "Left."

He was more than happy with walking. He walks everywhere. His mother took his car back sophomore year and told him once his grades are up, she'll return it, Sehyoon obliged and it's been two years yet he's still hitching rides from Byeongkwan every other day.

"Can I take you up?"

Sehyoon coldly denies and leaves the car with a struggle. He can't turn around because if he does he'll see the watery look in Junhee's eyes and allow him to help, he doesn't want that. Junhee cares too much, either he didn't get the memo about Sehyoon wanting to be left alone or he just doesn't care.

"What the hell happened to you?" Byeongkwan sprung from the couch the second Sehyoon tumbled through the door, only catching himself from carpet burn with his finger tips.

Sehyoon's eyes crinkle from pain when Byeongkwan laid him in his preceding position. “Hurdles."

He returned from the freezer with some frozen store bought vegetable, covered by frost. "This is all we have I'll have to run out and get a pack." He stretches Sehyoon's quilt across his legs, laying the frozen vegetable on top, grabbing his keys once sending Sehyoon a sympathetic look. "Stay right here, I'll be back in ten."

Byeongkwan's mouth releases a small _ah_  and he steps back a bit, nearly tripping over the shoes he reminded Sehyoon to straighten last week, he bows and Sehyoon sits up a little to see who the latter is.

"He left his ice pack in my car, I was just bringing it back."

Sehyoon huffs and throws himself back to the arm of the couch at the displeasure that Junhee's voice is.

Byeongkwan's back hunches slightly as he replaces the slowly melting, now visible frozen broccoli with the ice. He returns to the threshold and bows once more and Sehyoon can see a fluff of Junhee's dark locks when the favor’s returned.

"Why didn't you let him help you?"  Byeongkwan slipped under the quilt, careful not to hurt him.

"He did."

Byeongkwan sighed. “Up here, Sehy—"

"You two seem to be friends." Sehyoon doesn’t want to be questioned and Byeongkwan catches on and acknowledges his statement. “We’ve had a few classes together."

"So, you're not friends."

His eyebrows furrow. "What does it matter to you?"

It doesn't. It doesn't matter to Sehyoon because he doesn't like Junhee, he's sure about that. He doesn't like how generous the guy is, how he somehow continues to show at random places when Sehyoon made it audible that he doesn't want to see him, how he flashed that stupid cat-like smile at Sehyoon when he accidentally rolled over a soda can and the crushing sound erupted throughout the entire car, the fact that they're even talking about him is giving Sehyoon a migrane.

When he doesn't answer Byeongkwan shifts his body onto Sehyoon's, resting his head on his chest. "He's just trying to help."

"He has nothing to help me with. Stop defending him." Sehyoon gently runs his fingers through his blonde fringe, a technique he's learned to ease Byeongkwan, works like a charm. Sometimes.

"Sehyoon,” he removes Sehyoon's hand and sits up, resting his head in one palm, "he’s seen you at your worst. Just like anyone else, he's worried and wants to ensure that you're okay. So yes, he does have something to help you with, things would be much easier if you'd stop being stubborn and let him at least befriend you. You really won't get anywhere in life if you keep pushing people away, eventually they give up. Do you know how many good people you've lost simply to your unhealthy mentality that everyone is a target coming at you? Don't let Junhee add to that list."

Sehyoon's staring at the wall. He can't look Byeongkwan in the eye, that's humiliating deeming the fact that everything he's saying is right. Byeongkwan's always right. But isn't everyone when it comes to Sehyoon? He really never wins. But right now, he's losing big time because Byeongkwan knows him better than anyone else and he hasn't been this irritated with Sehyoon in quite the while and it's making him reflect on every person he's shut down, how many friends he could've made during his college experience, and how bad he relies on the boy.

"I got your back, Sehyoon. I know you're still shaken up from—him. But this isn't him, this is Junhee and even though I know pretty much nothing about him, I won't throw you into the arms of Satan. Whatever happens, if he turns out to be some fuckover who does the finishing touch of scarring you of friendships forever, I'll be right here. You have me and I have you. Always, okay?"

And the Byeongkwan who treats Sehyoon as if he's his offspring though he's the younger between the two returns. He smiles sympathetically at Sehyoon and worms his way back into his arms.

"Ate your takeout." He says after they stare at the blank TV screen for far too long.

"Of course you did."

 **.  .  .**   

Sehyoon's more than quick with putting everything back to its proper place when practice is over, he has a night class at 8:30 and if he skips one more time, he'll probably have his name scratched from the roster.

He ditches the locker room in fear of coming face to face with Junhee again because he thought about it last night and he wants to try, at least, to be his friend, but he wants to let it happen naturally and running into him in the same room Junhee tended to him in is in no way ironic or natural. And when he's practically at a run to the building that's half way across campus it occurs to him that Junhee wasn't at practice, not that he actually looked because he did but because Junho was on the calm side and even though he's only known him for a few days, the man is never calm. He isn't sure if that's good or bad.

He makes it to class with a wheeze and all heads are snapped in his direction when the door's nearly torn from its hinges as Sehyoon lunges his body through.

"Kim Sehyoon, good to see you." So he's been hearing lately.

"Same to you, sir." He scans the room for his usual seat and it's surprisingly not occupied, he drops his bag on the table and let's a shaky exhale out. All's going well he's doing alright so far, made it through two days of classes, he should treat himself on the way home.

A phone erupts a shrieking sound of laughter, loud and clear. No one gives it attention until it isn't turned down and the sound progresses into pleads and apologies through muffled sobs. Sehyoon freezes. Eyes are back on him. He knows. His professor orders for it to be cut off but whoever's in the act of humiliating him doesn't oblige and the video continues. Sehyoon only keeps his head down, acting as if he doesn't hear a thing, his hands move into his bag and they're shaking, they're shaking how they do when he's crying into Byeongkwan's arms after another episode, they're shaking how they were when he dug them into the cushioned seat at the expensive restaurant he was left to pay the bill at when his ex announced that he no longer wanted him, that's how they're shaking.

He won't get up and storm out. He won't do that because he can't. He knows he'll be excused because his professor knows well what that video is, but can't. He can't taint his pride, his already bruised pride. Instead his fingers continue to fidget through his bag until they pull his notebook out. He copies whatever's on the board until his pencil breaks in result of how hard he's still pressing down. He doesn't realize he's crying until his sight moves from the board back to the drenched sheet of paper. He rips it out and crumbles it, starting on a fresh sheet with his broken pencil, tears soaking straight through that one as well. The process continues until his professor whispers in his ear _You're welcome to leave, Sehyoon. I won't count anything against you_ , but he denies his offer and through a trembling voice tells him to continue teaching.

It's 10:02PM and he waits for everyone else to leave until it's just him and his professor left in the room, someone else who he can't make out because he's still crying. Everyone laughs on their way out, they all look at Sehyoon then back at their phones when they do, he doesn't look back but knows it's happening.

His professor pretends he isn't visible when Sehyoon finally leaves, afraid of making eye contact. He doesn't care.

He brings his phone close to his face when he's outside, he doesn't bother wiping his tears and everything's blurry, he also doesn't want anyone else to notice it's him they're looking at, enough ridiculing for the night. Byeongkwan answers on the last ring, "I'm in Hongdae with Yuchan, I'll call you later, I'm sorry!"

That's all he says before he hangs up and Sehyoon is left without a ride home, his legs can only take so much he thinks about waiting until Byeongkwan is able to pick him up because of course he's out clubbing on a Wednesday night with the actual spawn of the devil, the most chaotic pair there is. He knows they'll both be intoxicated to hell, passed out in the back of a cab in a few hours and begins walking because there's no way he's making it home before dawn waiting on him.

"I can take you home."

Sehyoon doesn't stop trailing because he already knows who it is, he'll probably end up questioning him again and he doesn't want that, not now, not ever.

Faster footsteps and suddenly Junhee's caught up with him. "If it's okay with you."

"Please leave me alone. Please." Sehyoon can barely hear himself but Junhee seems to understand because Sehyoon sees his platforms below him and eventually they're both no longer walking. "Frankly, I could care less if you don't like me,” he could, “but I am not letting you mope your way home like this, I won't let you walk through that torture. Just turn around and let me take you, we don't have to say a word after this."

Sehyoon really wants to have a seat on the ground and relax himself until Junhee gives in and leaves him alone, but by now he should know that the guy doesn’t budge no matter what the circumstance gives, he turns slowly on his heel and follows Junhee, no words, just follows with his head low.

"You know." He finally says when they're halfway through the ride, sitting in uneasy silence up until then.

"And if I do." It comes out as a statement when it should've been a question, Junhee keeps his eyes on the road.

"You probably think I'm pathetic." Sehyoon's mouth does the speaking this time, his brain a jumble. "I don't even know why you want to be in the same car as me, I'm the shitface of this school." His voice drops a few octaves and he knows what's coming next. "I'm worthless and you know it. I could jump from this car right now and just like that, I'm done. Everyone would cheer, they all want me gone anyway."

"Don't." His eyes are still sharp on the road.

"I mean what's the worse that can happen? I fall out, trip over nothing because gravity and a car nearly sends me to a pulp but they hit the emergency brakes and I'm fine. That's no fun."

"Please don't talk like that."

He laughs through a choked up throat. "Are you scared? You're scared that I'll actually do it, I'm scared too."

Before Junhee has time to open his mouth, he denies his worries. "I won't, though. You can quit your crying."

Ironic enough for him to say baring the fact that Junhee is the one with a dry face.

The car comes to a halt and Sehyoon sees a fuzz of his hall through fresh tears. "Is Byeongkwan there?"

"No." He doesn't know why he tells the truth, usually a lie would slip from his teeth with ease but maybe he actually doesn't want to be alone right now and in this crucially vulnerable state, Junhee is the next best thing to comfort.

"You can wait in here until he comes, I don't want you in there alone." Guess he isn't the only one.

"He's in Hongdae, just leave. He won't be back for another few hours."

"Then I'll wait." The response is almost immediate.

Sehyoon scrubs his eyes violently with his palms and turns to Junhee. "Why are you doing this?"

It takes him more than a minute to answer because truthfully, why is he doing this? Because he's worried about him, yes, but there's more to it, he can't find the reason though. "I don't know."

"You don't know? You're practically babysitting me for fun or something? Am I a joke to you?" Rage builds throughout Sehyoon and he doesn't even know why he's getting upset because he rightfully has no reason to because Junhee isn't in the wrong for being a good person, he is.

Junhee ignores. “Have you eaten?"

"You didn't answer me." And Sehyoon thinks about it afterwards and he hasn't eaten in over forty-eight  hours.

He purposefully thinks aloud, "There's a good twenty-four hour ramen spot right around the corner from here."

"You're ignoring the question at hand." As if he hasn't done the same more than many times before.

Junhee finally faces him. "I want ramen, you want ramen?" Sehyoon doesn't answer and Junhee let's out a faint chuckle. "Ramen it is." And suddenly they're back on the road.


	4. feeling

The restaurant's nearly sound restrained, the bus boy collecting dishes and a soft audio of Japanese instruments radiates the atmosphere. Mere moments ago Sehyoon broke down, embarrassing regarding that him and Junhee still aren't fond with each other, but he guesses what happens between them stays between them because Junhee speaks nothing of it once inside, not even a reminiscent ounce, maybe it's just out of respect.

Sehyoon's hesitant in sitting across from the trackstar because it's still awkward. Everything's awkward. From the way he aids to all of Sehyoon's wounds, both physically and emotionally to taking him out for dinner. Is this dinner? It doesn't make sense no matter which way Sehyoon tries to put it, so he asks why again once he's made the decision to sit beside him, across being too intimate for near strangers. Keeping all the distance of course.

Another reign of silence as his answer and Sehyoon can't even have an ounce of rage in him from the ignorance. He's not allowed to because he ignores everyone, everyone's generosity, everyone's advice, everyone's questions, he pushes them all to the side, he can't be mad at this, just karma biting him in this ass.

"How do you know Byeongkwan?" Sehyoon asks, he hasn't realized how hungry he was until his bowl is almost drained in less than 5 minutes of being served.

"We’ve had a few classes together."

He already knew that, the same thing Byeong said, but it has to be more, there's always more. "That's it?"

Junhee dabs his mouth with his shirt. "That's it."

That can't be it. "You guys never had a project or anything together? Nothing?" Stupid on his half because he's sure the boy would've raved on about being partnered up with _The_  Park Junhee.

The tables are then turned. "How do _you_  know Byeongkwan?"

"We're roommates, what else would you expect?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Junhee has a feign tone and for a second, Sehyoon feels like he's done something wrong but then the latter laughs. "We've had some small projects together, freshman year if I can recall, but that's really it."

Sehyoon can't think of anything else to say, he isn't much of a talker when it comes to strangers as shocking as that is, so he just nods and focuses back on his bowl until he notices it's empty and his eyes begin to pace the restaurant.

It's just them as costumers there. The front house misty from steam, dimmed purposefully, it keeps him calm and distracted from the fact that he’s still hungry. If he'd known a place like this existed before it would've been his go-to spot, he probably would've been more than close with the owner by now, like every other non-chain service near him, it isn't pricey, but the food is good this time. He'd actually order another bowl if he brought more than ₩15,000 with him.

"You want more?" Junhee notices him back to eyeing his empty bowl.

He does. "I'm okay."

"I'll pay." And that's so tempting because who let's down free food?

"That's okay, I'm fine." Sehyoon does.

Junhee grabs Sehyoon's bowl and makes his way back to the counter, he can hear him asking for another round of his order and he wants to stomp up and tell him he said no because Junhee's stubborn, he's so stubborn and that's another thing Sehyoon cannot stand about the individual but he's starving and feels like he could still pass out if he doesn't have another bowl, so he sits and watches until Junhee returns with his previous order, double in size.

"I said I'm okay.” He takes the bowl, melting into the first bite.

Junhee giggles and Sehyoon can swear he feels his food make a U-turn. "And I said I'll pay."

"Are you assuming I can't pay for myself?"

He can't, not two bowls at least.

Junhee's eyes convert from joy to confusion, he gets defensive. “No. No, I'm not assuming that at all. I'm sorry if you thought that way, I really didn't mean any harm—"

"You're annoying." The words fall from his mouth effortlessly because he is, very much so.

"Sorry?"

Sehyoon can't tell if he's meaning it as another apology, which would be practical sarcasm with that tone, or him asking Sehyoon to repeat himself, which he doesn't want to do, he stuffs his face in response and suddenly, just like that, the conversation is dropped.

He completes the bowl without a problem and this time he feels like he'll pop if he moves another muscle. He let's Junhee carry their dishes up as he checks his bank account in hopes of a few extra dollars there. Nothing lies but one too many zeros that it almost gives him a headache. He hasn't had an actual job in nearly three months, other than covering Byeongkwan's morning newspaper shift a few times and getting a portion of his paycheck, he's unemployed. The last job he had didn't know how to handle him and the many panic attacks and breakdowns he brought along with, they let him go after half a month. No one would take him since. Not that he's tried much. He's been asking his mother for money every now and then, making up some ridiculous lie that she falls for with ease and he feels terrible for manipulating her but he needs it, he'll make it up to the woman someday.

"What you thinking about?" Junhee returns with a receipt and Sehyoon thinks it's so odd but amusing how he speaks to him as if they've been friends forever.

He brushes past Junhee and approaches the counter where the owner greets him sweetly. “Exactly, how much is my meal?"

She covers her mouth when she laughs and Sehyoon turns to see what the joke at hand is, but faces her again when he sees nothing but Junhee. "Your boyfriend paid already. Isn't that how things work with couples? You guys are very adorable, by the way. Have a good night, please do visit me again!" She scurries to the back before Sehyoon can correct her mistake.

He pivots to Junhee. “You paid?"

"I said I would."

"But, I didn't want you to." Sehyoon almost pouts but remembers who he's talking to.

Junhee leads the way back to his car, the air suddenly taking a turn, the piercing cold embracing them both.  "Why can't I just be nice?"

Sehyoon stops in his tracks, Junhee doesn't notice until his voice begins to fade the farther he walks. "Why can't you listen? If I don't want you to pay, then don't pay! Leave it at that. If I want you to leave me alone, then leave me alone! It's hard to believe you're on the way to the Olympics acting like a ten year old."

Junhee finally stops, car handle retracted back in place. "How do you know that?"

"Everyone knows, you must be really stupid to think rumor doesn't spread fast here. I don't know who started it neither do I care, but you're the center of attention at this school if you haven't realized yet."

He has realized. Doesn't mean he accepts. Or likes it. He would trade spots with anyone in less than a millisecond, doesn't matter if he'd be left without a single bone of talent in his body, if it meant minus the fame, he'd take it.

Sehyoon continues past the car and Junhee thinks he might be getting in the back, maybe Junhee made hin uncomfortable somehow, understandable, but a distance between him and his car begins to grow and Junhee now knows he isn't boarding with him. "Aren't you getting in?"

"Nope!" Sehyoon just walks, he's not even sure if knows where he's going, he doesn't turn around for a double take, just walks. “I'd like it if you left me alone this time, that'd be great right now." He says it loud enough only for Junhee to hear.

And he listens.

Junhee worries for both their safety. Anything could happen to Sehyoon's wild, roaming soul and with CCTVs rolling, he's the last person he'll be seen with. As self-absorbed as it sounds, he doesn't want to be the one getting in trouble for his mess ups.

He cruises behind him. Enough for Sehyoon to not notice and have more than his heart's content of space. He's not bothering him, he's not in his face, he's leaving him alone, just how he asked.

And turns out Sehyoon does know where he's going because he turns around near his residence hall and frails his arms through the midnight air at the sight of Junhee's cherry red Camry. His fault for keeping the headlights on.

He doesn't leave until Sehyoon disappears into the residence hall, only to return to the glass door and give him an annoyed, sarcasm implied thumbs up.

It's near 2am when he scans his way inside and he hates himself just a little bit more than before for letting Junhee keep him occupied for so long. Everything is dark and he assumes Byeongkwan is still out and drags himself towards the couch, all the crying tiring him out, too drained to make it to his room.

He spins on his heel and falls into a grunt that sends him shooting back upwards, he goes straight for the light and sighs in relief and disappointment when it's Byeongkwan who occupies the seat.

"Hyung,” he extends an arm under himself and Sehyoon knows he's lost his mind in drinks because he's using honorifics, something Sehyoon told him wasn't necessary when they finally got comfortable with each other, "I missed you."

Sehyoon can smell him and he's almost a whole yard away. "Why aren't you in bed?" He knows the answer, they've been through this several times before. It was his intention to get to his room but the couch was closest and he barely made it there, tripping over that damned rug Byeongkwan's mother sent them a few years ago.

"I tried, I really did,” he begins to cry and Sehyoon's then reminded how a single comment sends him over the edge in this state, “but I forgot to pay the water bill and it was so dark I couldn't hear anything, I'm sorry."

A genuine smile wipes across Sehyoon's face because nothing makes sense and his drunk best friend is probably the only thing that can animate his mood.

He helps him from the couch, dead weight aching his shoulder. "We don't pay bills, remember? It's okay, you didn't turn on the light, that's all."

Byeongkwan only wipes his nose with Sehyoon's shirt in response and normally he'd complain, but let's it slide as he lays him on his bed, not bothering to undress him because he knows how much Byeongkwan antagonizes sleeping in street clothes, but the hassle requires more than enough energy and Sehyoon's exhausted himself, he'll take the lecture in the morning.

He successfully shuts the door and goes for his bed next when his name is softly called from the other side, he almost ignores him when Byeongkwan repeats himself, he creaks the door back open. "What's wrong?"

He groans, "C'mere." Sehyoon yawns and thinks about climbing into bed with him, but Byeongkwan's clingy regardless of his alcohol consumption and Sehyoon just wants to sleep peacefully right now.

"Be nice to Junhee." He holds Sehyoon's face together as if he was melting and the stench his breath releases burns through his nostrils.

The position reverses and Byeongkwan's cheeks are sinking into his palms. "Why do you keep talking about him?"

"Just be nice to him.” His eyes begin to droop and before Sehyoon can stand his hand is grabbed. "No matter how annoying he is, be nice. It'll work out in the end." And with that he's sleep.

It keeps Sehyoon awake for the second time this week. Most things don't make sense but he finds it impossible to believe that Junhee and Byeongkwan have only had  _a few classes together_ , yet Byeongkwan talks about him like he's known him forever. He wants to question furthermore, annoy Byeongkwan until he gets the answer he wants, he isn't exactly sure what that is, but he wants to dig until he finds it. There's more to this story, more than a few classes together and it's beyond Sehyoon that he doesn't know.

Would he be mad if it turns out they have been friends this whole time? Maybe, being that both men have avoided the topic to an extent. But, he doesn't get why him knowing would be such a bad thing.

His own mother wouldn't even hold the male so high on a pedestal. It doesn't matter if he's on the road of fame or not, the whole _be nice to him_ , _be his friend_ thing is so unlike Byeongkwan. He loathes strangers just as much as Sehyoon. Maybe even more. And Junhee is still a stranger to both men. They've done some small projects together, so what? A friendship hasn't kindled from Sehyoon's perspective, he's more than certain that he would've met him in a way other than a suicide attempt if he and Byeongkwan were friends. But, they aren't so there's something more to this. That's the only other logical answer.

The first logical answer? Sehyoon's overthinking this all and maybe they're just acquaintances who've worked together here and there. He goes with that instead. All that analyzing which resulted in another sleepless night just for this measly conclusion.

The sun comes to a rise and Sehyoon thinks he can fit a small bite of sleep in, but he's corrected when Byeongkwan's alarm sounds through the thin walls. He already hears the pounding on his door before it even arrives, it startles him regardless of the preparation when it does. There reveals his bloodshot eyed friend when the door is swung open.

"You let me sleep in these?" Sehyoon can hear his stomach quease and he's out for the bathroom before another word can surface.

Sehyoon leans himself against the threshold, crouching to pat Byeongkwan's back. "I came in and you were already in bed, honest." He's been lying more than usual lately.

"Liar.” Byeongkwan says through dry heaves. "I remember everything.” He rests his elbows on the toilet seat. "You aren't fooling me this time."

Sehyoon tries his best to ignore the sheepish smile crawling onto his lips, "See what happened was..." and Byeongkwan shoos his words away before he can actually start. "I don't care what happened, get the peptos from my dresser, please."

Sehyoon mimics him in an obnoxious tone which actually does remind him of Byeongkwan while he searches his mess for the medication. If he remembers everything then he also remembers the Junhee talk, though it was only a few words said. He wants to ask him, tell him everything that's been on his mind, bad. But, he'd only be pushed away and ignored again. Sehyoon's overthinking it all, isn't he?

**.  .  .**

"Am I annoying?" Junhee examines the room for his left shoe, eyes with relief when Donghun holds it up, he can't be late to practice, that's something he won't do. "Be honest."

"I don't know,” Donghun scans the body mirror, "but, you look absolutely scrumptious in those shorts, I tell you every time but I'm seriously shocked it’s been a while since someone tapped because of it."

Junhee yanks the shoe from his foot and launches it at Donghun, it smacking straight on his forehead, he pouts before handing it back to him. “Too soon?”

“Too soon.” Junhee faces the mirror. "I don't care how I look, would you please answer my question?"

"I mean," he stares at Junhee hard, like he's the last problem on an exam he's yet to decipher, “you have your moments just like anyone else, but I think I'm just used to you."

Junhee emits a sigh before allowing himself to fall into Donghun's lap, he has about ten minutes before practice, he'll make it if he sprints. "I don't know what to do."

Donghun brushes his hair back. "What's wrong?"

He really wants to tell him everything about Sehyoon, how it's so odd that he can't stop thinking about him no matter what and he's making the effort to be his friend but he isn't taking it and he doesn't understand because he's nice, he has manners, but Sehyoon won't budge, he wants to ask Donghun if he's trying too hard because he'll tell him how it is, the most unfiltered person you'll ever meet, but he still won't. He really wants to tell him because he's his only friend and the urge to rant is trying to swallow him whole, but he still won't.

He could talk to Byeongkwan, he's sure his number is somewhere jumbled in his contacts, but he doesn't have the strength to look and fears that things might end up messy if he gets in contact with him, one occasion was enough.

"Hun,” the elder hums in response before he can get to the question, “what would you do if you're trying everything you can to befriend this person, but nothing's working, not a single thing."

That also works.

"What would _I_  do? Give up, of course, they apparently aren't worth my time." Typical of him to say. "But if I were you? Because this is obviously about you, you're an actual book waiting to be opened. If I were you, I wouldn't give up because maybe I'm not trying everything, maybe there's something else, the tip of the iceberg that kindles this friendship I'm clawing at, maybe not."

The way Donghun runs his fingers through his locks is sensual bliss and he really doesn't want this to stop, but he has places to be with no time to waste, he apologetically removes his hand and comes to a stand. "I gotta go."

He doesn't voice a thank you, but Donghun knows he's grateful, he always is. "You're Junhee, the most stubborn man I've ever met, you better not give up." He gives Junhee the soccer mom thumbs up that he barely catches because he's already running before he can even open the door.

He's afraid that if he stops once he's out of his car he'll be punished even if Coach doesn't see him, he always sees him.

He doesn't even realize how fast his legs are taking him and that none of his teammates are actually there until a hurdle catches the crown of his shoe and he's sent flying, knocking the rest down like dominoes. He hasn't fucked up like that since his rookie year.

Nothing's hurting so he's fine. What a shame. Any moment now he's expecting Coach to waddle out hollering about how those hurdles were aligned perfectly and how he ruins everything when they actually weren't and he's brought this team every win they've ever received for the past four years, but he wouldn't argue, that's bad on his half.

But Coach doesn't waddle out and he sits up, arms on his knees and watches the door to his office, it doesn't open and a sense that he's missing something stimulates him.

"What did the hurdles ever do to you."

Junhee jerks and the last standing structure of metal falls, he dodges it last minute, it flicks past his hair. He rotates, still sitting, to greet Sehyoon, a clipboard is in his hand and he has to blink twice to take in the article in front of him.

"Practice isn't for another hour. Seems like you didn't get the message," he drags himself to the last hurdle, opposite of Junhee, and stands it back up. "You're also now obligated  to help me with these."

Junhee ignores the scrapes and smooths his knees down when he regains his position. "My pleasure.” He glances over at the clipboard when he sits the next hurdle up, shifting it over and alleviation is about him because Sehyoon's here to help, he almost forgot, "They weren't placed right, anyway."

"You wanna give me a break?" Sehyoon follows suit and matches the remainder of the hurdles to Junhee's.

"Not until I get one first." Junhee walks back to the clipboard in Sehyoon's hand and feels him slightly pull it away before he hesitates, allowing him to see. "You have to be here _this_  early?"

"You do a terrible job at minding your business, you know?" Sehyoon strides toward the equipment room, Junhee follows.

"And you do a terrible job at finishing conversations."

So he's caught on.

"Ouch," is all Sehyoon says and Junhee doesn't seem to have any other statements because Sehyoon feels the emptiness and the trackstar is gone when he turns around from rolling the cooler out of the room.

It's not that Junhee panicked, he did. But, Sehyoon kept the conversation this time, he had the last word which has his head spiraling because though he's only known him for days, he actually doesn't know him, Sehyoon has a fond relationship with ignoring, Junhee's sure of that fact. But, he kept the conversation and Junhee's mouth went dry, so he left, just to get something that would quench his sudden thirst, but all of his team was already in the locker room and he couldn't leave out or everyone would follow and if they caught him talking to _the freak who tried to kill himself_  or _the kid who was on his knees_  because that's how they know him, one way or another. Of course no one actually knows his name, but Junhee. And Coach. And Byeongkwan. And whoever else is friends with his ex.

And almost Donghun.

But, if they caught Junhee talking to him, there'd be so many questions, not that there already weren't, but there'd be so much more, he wouldn't be able to take it. That's why no one talks to Sehyoon either, he's been _"team manager"_  for practically the amount of time Junhee thinks he's known him, but no one says anything to him. They don't speak of him amongst one another. Coach hasn't even formally introduced him to the team, but everyone knows who he is, right? He'll probably keep his association with Sehyoon extremely low until everything dials down. Everything.

They don't make eye contact during practice. At least on Junhee's half. He only watches during his thirty second breaks which doesn't seem like much, but it works out. It really only consists of Sehyoon's lengthy fringe falling back onto his eyes causing him to butcher someone's time with that stupid stopwatch, yet again. Somehow everyone's aggression from such events doesn't resurface when practice is over and they're all back in the locker room, they just avoid in unison.

Junhee waits until everyone's secured their own ride and hears the final car leave the stadium's parking lot, including Coach's, to step back onto the track and let his eyes wander until they fall onto Sehyoon's tired figure.

He's stacking hurdles, careful not to touch up on the bruises still slightly visible on his calfs. He's leaning from side to side every now and then and it leaves Junhee worrying about how much sleep he really gets every night.

"Leave them here,” he holds onto the remaining frame with one hand and catches the stack that slides from Sehyoon's shoulder with the other, “I'll do the rest, come on."

"You're too nice." Sehyoon doesn't argue and leans into him, leaving all of his dead weight up to him, "I don't like that."

Junhee laughs but can't help but feel uncomfortable. He's gotten used to the constant refusal that the sudden obliging is too foreign for him to gravitate towards. "I'm usually praised for my kindness, you're different."

Sehyoon reaches for the passengers seat handle, but misses and Junhee's hand immediately responds and retracts it for him, he waits until Junhee's in the car to speak. "Is that good?"

"Is what good?" Junhee promptly rolls his window down even though it isn't stuffy, it's cold. It's below fifty outside, humidity was three months ago. But, he feels too trapped inside the car he's had for ages, it's strange.

"Me,” Sehyoon drifts mid sentence and Junhee doesn't answer because he probably doesn't know what he's talking about and he's confused, but then Sehyoon resumes, "being different."

Is that good? Junhee has to question himself for a second because he doesn't necessarily know. Sehyoon's certainly unlike anyone else he's ever met and he doesn't know if that's a good thing. But, here he is, attempt #101 at being his friend, so it must be. "I don't know," is all he can think of. "But don't change, for anyone. Not even me. No matter how nice I am."

There's a faint laugh that Sehyoon exudes that probably wasn't even meant to be audible, but he caught it. "You're not too bad, Junhee."

He ignores that comment. It's the drowsiness speaking, not Kim Sehyoon. That's how everyone gets when they're in such positions, say things they swear they mean, but Junhee knows, he knows they don't. So, he continues driving and pretends as if the words were never voiced though it's eating at him, still they mean nothing.

Byeongkwan intakes Sehyoon's structure the second their room's door is opened. It's like Sehyoon knows whose arms he's falling into despite closed eyes. Junhee waits on the threshold for any words, but he assumes there are none because Byeongkwan drags Sehyoon to the back, leaving him staring at an empty hallway, not even a thank you, he wasn't expecting it.


	5. vivid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda short but i thought the way it ended was fine right there so i'm saving what i have for the next chapter.. enjoy!!

Sehyoon doesn't know what to bring on a field trip. He hasn't been on one since junior high and even then he barely went. Is this a field trip?

He keeps checking the watch, dazzling on his wrist that Byeongkwan has yet to notice is missing from his collection, even though he knows he won't be late, he checks just to make sure.

They're leaving Seoul, so it must be a field trip.

It's 5:59AM. A solid ten minutes to get himself together. Physically, mentally, all of that. He needs the twenty to run and make it on time. Byeongkwan could take him, but he must be sick out of his wits, he dealt with Sehyoon's rambling mouth all night because despite the fact that he was completely fucking drained, his body still refused to let him rest. He shouldn't wake him.

But, field trips should be fun, right?

Not necessarily. Sehyoon's almost 101% sure he's bound to be miserable, no doubt about that. Stuck, on a bus with hounds that yap like it's their final ounce of survival. Of course, he'll be miserable. He's not even sure if Junhee wants to talk to him. He's not even sure why he's even thinking about him, not a chance in hell that the tables would ever be turned.

He leaves a note on their countertop that he's certain Byeongkwan will dismiss until Sehyoon's voicemail box is full, containing when he'll be back, which he isn't exactly sure about, an estimated time is better than nothing.

But, why wouldn't Junhee want to talk to him? That, he also isn't too sure about. He's been thinking about it. No, he isn't _too_  bad, but it's only been a reoccurring thought, something he wasn't too sure about, something he wanted to wait for the perfect time to say, when he could say that he's not too weary of his presence, but not exactly friends. He was waiting for that time, but Sehyoon in his front seat, curled on his side like a baby, his foggy brain doing the talking worked too.

But still the question remains, why wouldn't Junhee want to talk to him?

Maybe Sehyoon said the wrong thing last night. Maybe he got too comfortable in the front seat of that stupid, red Camry. Maybe Junhee doesn't give a shit about him in reality, maybe he's only being nice because he feels bad. Maybe he's doing this all out of pity.

Still, it's too early for his mind to swim like this. He has a day to get through that doesn't even feel remotely close to starting.

He crumbles the sticky note that he decided was better attached to the refrigerator, he really could use less of Byeongkwan's worrying, and leaves his phone beside his friend after sending a half assed message on his whereabouts, being ever so careful not to make the slightest sound entering and leaving the room. He's better off without the device anyway.

 **ksy** : _thing with track today. won't be back until late_

Then he begins to worry about how Byeongkwan might worry from the amount of worry that was barely enforced in the message and returns to the phone, holding his breath, still in fear of waking him.

 **ksy** : _seriously.. there's some meet today in cheongju. i'm leaving my phone here, don't need it, don't miss me too much_

He doesn't bother packing anything to eat, not that he had the time anyway. But also because there isn't much to pack, an apple maybe but they're probably spoiled, Byeongkwan forgetting to go grocery shopping once again.

Junho is sitting at his worn down, little desk when Sehyoon arrives. He doesn't acknowledge his presence, as expected, until he's handed a thick envelope, "This is to register my team at the arena."

He opens the folded structure and there's money for the registration free and paper, a lot. Sehyoon scans through every other, most of them are just team profiles. He pays no mind until his thumb catches Junhee's, he's smiling that shiny smile of his. His jersey fitting just right, too right. He has a platinum blonde fringe with a portion of it tied into a ponytail. His eyes are crescents and he looks like the happiest person to have ever lived and Sehyoon can't help but feel jealous, he misses that feeling. He doesn't realize how long he's staring until Junho slams his laptop on the wooden desk, it creaking in response.

"Did you hear me, boy?" He adjusts his metal chair, Sehyoon should buy him a new one, maybe he'll get on his good side. Whenever he gets the money, of course.

Sehyoon reorganizes the stack as if it was ever messed up. "Hm? My apologies, could you repeat that?"

He can hear the growl almost erupt from the old man, his knuckles whitening around the perimeter of the laptop. "I need you loading equipment, that's what I said."

He sits the envelope in the chair he previously rose from and bows, capitalizing every letter of the mental note in his head to not forget it or that's his life, he doesn't need to be told to know. Not that he's complaining if it was.

He's at a jog back and forth from the charters to the equipment room and makes out 7:12AM from his shaky wrist when he's nearly done.

He locks the office and gate, envelope now in hand, double checking just because and braces himself before boarding the charter Junho assigned him to.

He can hear the roar of voices even before his trembling fist softly hit the shut doors, the driver greeting him with a smile when he climbed those three small steps that somehow felt like a mountain, his knees in excruciating pain from hesitation.

But just like that, the voices die in their throats and all eyes are fixed on Sehyoon. He’s the center of attention once again, no one cracks a smile, no one holds in a laugh, that's how it is around him, like he killed the mood. It wasn't his intention, he didn't ask to be here. He would've been pronounced dead 6 days ago if it wasn't for their selfless teammate.

His eyes settle in on a seat in the back and it makes him think while on the way because it isn't just one empty seat, it's an entire row. Two of them to be exact. Everyone did it on purpose, there's no second on that thought, they did it because no one wants to be in arms length of him, he doesn't know what they're afraid of, but he understands and respects their act of cowardice.

Sehyoon keeps his head down the entire way back, but his eyes react before anything else just a few steps in his seat and he's swallowed into the almond pair that's focused on him only, the gaze melting through his skin. He's seated, in the very back just like he and everyone else knew he would and he watches Junho wobble his way into a convertible, because of course he wouldn't board with his own team, before his charter is already moving and he averts to the front, where those pair of eyes are still on him.

No one else is staring at him. Not anymore. They're back to their abhorrent behavior and Sehyoon almost feels free, but those eyes won't leave him alone. He can't say anything now. He would if he could, but he can't.

He didn't think he'd be here. Of course he'd be here, lack of detail, but Sehyoon didn't think he'd be on his bus. His luck tested without a try. He won't sit next to Sehyoon, they both know that. Junhee, Park Junhee, willingly getting close to _that kid_? Absurd. He's 22. Not a kid.

But he just continues to stare. Like he suddenly doesn't care if someone catches him watching Sehyoon, eyes like a hawk. They won't, but the thought. He only continues until a loud mouth with stomach churning green hair yanks his arm, so much for that socket, he's pulled into the seat and Sehyoon doesn't see him again until the main runners are warming up in an area, behind a banner with their school name plastered atop.

The arena is cold. Sehyoon already mentally smacked himself for leaving his sweatshirt on the charter. Everyone seemed alright though, even the athletes with their _short_  shorts hugging their thighs, but maybe they're all used to it. He'll get there too one day, hopefully.

Practice rounds go on for so long that Sehyoon actually questions if this is a meet or some conjoined practice that he just so happened to be dragged to. But then there's a line of feedback and everyone but him are covering their ears and a voice on the telecom system announces that they're entering qualifying rounds and he's never been more diminished to hear something he could care less about.

There's a handful of faces and names that everyone seems to notice in the blink of an eye, they cheer like madness for every last one of them. Some guy from Yonsei who gets a standing ovation despite doing nothing but smile and wave. He's soaking up all of the glory, Sehyoon can tell. But none of them can compare to the crowd's love for Junhee, which is why Sehyoon now understands why he was offered ear plugs at the entrance, he still doesn't regret declining no matter how deafening the arena is.

The jumbotron focuses on Junhee and wild has to be an understatement for the reaction he receives. Airhorns blown every which way, a shower of saliva from finger whistles, and the stomping of the bleachers that practically shakes everything in sight, including a toddler that Sehyoon watches fall from failure to keep her balance, now she's crying. 

He's wearing that same ponytail from his portfolio except it's longer, falling like bangs on the corner of his eyes. And that stupid smile that Sehyoon's trying so hard to ignore because Junhee's so pretty when he smiles and he can't admit that to anyone not even himself, so he looks elsewhere, but there's screens everywhere. A little more of his smile blinding him on every new platform he finds. He wants to leave. He wants to escape this atmosphere and find his way home. Byeongkwan can pick him up, he must be up by now, he has to, there's no way he's still sleeping.

It's nine o'clock in the morning on a Saturday, of course he's still sleeping. There's no way in hell he'd be awake.

Junho must've forgot he's even here. It looks like he's trapped in his own world with no intentions on getting out. His chubby figure is leaning over the bar that separates runners from their teams and teams from the audience, he's so engaged in a round that hasn't even started that Sehyoon actually thinks he could walk right out without being seen.

It happens before Sehyoon can even count to ten and his team advances to the finals. There's an intermission before and reporters from every news outlet are like flies in his school's area, swarming every given point, cameras blocking nearly everyone's view and Sehyoon now understands the needs for the abusive amount of plasma screens.

His feet are aching and he almost feels selfish for internally complaining, but Sehyoon didn't ask to be here, he has every right to complain. He wishes he had someone to voice it to.

Some woman who's been sitting since the dawn of time finally gives the seat a vacant spot and Sehyoon is almost at a run for it, but that same annoying voice who's been talking all day announces that they're now entering finals and everyone rises from their seats then, he'd be damned if he sat.

For once Sehyoon can make out Junhee and his eyes zero in on him. All day he's been searching, he really has, but everyone looks like dots, the runners especially when in action, but his focus adapts to Junhee's character and he's unlocked a new feature to the boy he's somehow starting to decipher.

The starting pistol fires and Sehyoon jumps, but nonetheless his eyes are still fixed on Junhee. He's pushing harder than practice, Sehyoon doesn't realize that until now.

His legs move faster than his arms. Way faster. His arms uneven with the rate his legs are going, the right matches with its pair as same for his left side and you'd miss it if you blink because Sehyoon did and now his opposites are matching again. It's not like a mess up or anything, not from his perspective at least. More so a habit it seems because this cycle continues and Sehyoon wonders how his body hasn't tripped him up yet, but of course he's used to it.

Junhee keeps a fixated look while running, you don't have to squint to see that. It's plastered on every other screen that's broadcasting his focus. His lips don't part, neither do his eyebrows, he's set on the end, that needs no exclamation.

Sehyoon's so engaged in Junhee's performance that he almost forgets to tend to the stopwatch Junho forced him to bring with though there's probably hundreds of professionals here who could time better than Sehyoon, with scary accurate numbers, the ones with many zeros at the end, Sehyoon only gets four digits. But he caught himself when Junhee's foot hit the finish line, _first_ , clicking a button which he really hopes is to stop the time, his hand still getting used to the object and his eyes, they still haven't left the crowd's favorite.

Determination wiped from his face when he's pronounced first, replaced with his smile and Sehyoon wants to look away more than anything, but he's cheating himself and his body is at ease though the expression wasn't for him, nowhere near in relation to him, still his body calms at the sight of.

All schools have cleared the arena within the next fifteen minutes, but everyone still seems to care because even while press is in progress, they remain, all waiting for the star of their show. And of course, they aren't all on the road back until an hour and a half afterwards.

It's the complete opposite from their ride there. Everyone's reserved. Either sleeping or too drained to start a conversation. But Sehyoon can't sleep, that isn't new. After all, it's his favorite time of day, how could he?

He definitely appreciates the ambience even more now. He feels one within his cushioned seat, within the moon and stars that shoot past and he tries to count every last one of them. And the sound of wheels against the paved ground, he probably enjoys that best right now.

He didn't see Junhee on his way back, he didn't get eyes either this time and he doesn't know if that should be progress or regression. Two steps forward and three back.

Maybe he was the one to get on last, microphones and cameras following him even on his way to the restroom, he must be exhausted. Maybe he is just that and didn't stare at Sehyoon either because he was already asleep. Understanderable. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to Sehyoon right now. Also understandable, he's got that before.

He probably isn't even on the bus. Almost celebrity perks. He probably got a ride from some Olympian who just so happened to be at the meet today and loved his performance so much that he wanted to take him out to dinner, might as well be his transportation home too.

"You're up."

Sehyoon's hand slips from under his thigh and he grips the armrest, delirious.

How ironic.

It's hard to see his face and Sehyoon wants to, but he can't turn on his seat light or he might wake someone and God forbid they're seen together.

"I was afraid I'd come all the way back here for you to be sleep, then I'd have to go all the way back up in shame." Sehyoon could listen to him ramble all day long.

What the fuck is he thinking?

"Why aren't you sleep anyway?"

He shrugs, but remembers he can't be seen either. "I don't know."

He does know. He’s an insomniac. He couldn't sleep even if he wanted to. That's why he tells himself he doesn't, even if he does, like right now. He does.

Junhee almost laughs for a reason Sehyoon can't find, but yawns in response. "You did really good today."

He swats his hand, but there's a smile creeping on his face that Sehyoon's probably imagining. "I've done better. That was just a warm up, wait until the season actually starts."

Sehyoon nods because he knew there was something wrong with a track meet at the _almost_  beginning of winter, but Junhee takes it as silence because he isn't looking his way, he doesn't want to make eye contact with him even if he can't see him.

So they sit without words for about a minute. Or two. Sehyoon straight out the window, Junhee looking anywhere but the window.

"Can I ask you something?" Junhee shifts in the seat, he's about to embarrass himself no matter how this goes.

Sehyoon's leaning on the window now, eyes still on whatever's in front of him. A body of water he isn't sure what, some buildings past that, pretty lights.

"Do you hate me?" Junhee wants to go straight for his own seat, screw his eyes shut, and force himself to sleep. He'll be the first one off the bus, Sehyoon won't be getting a ride, he can think about his answer on his walk home because Junhee knows he doesn't know. That's what he always says. And Junhee _wants_ him to know.

But Sehyoon sits up as soon as the question is asked, he doesn't face him, his body is forward, then the center of his head is pressed against the seat in front of them. "I don't hate anyone."

That's true.

There's a sigh of relief he's aching to let out, but this doesn't exactly feel like closure. "But me. Are we friends?"

"Sounds self-centered," Sehyoon meant for that to remain a mere thought, but what harm could it do to him? He's heard it before. "Why are you asking me? Friendships don't go one way." 

Junhee meets him with his head pressed against the seat beside. "I don't know, that's why."

Sehyoon tilts his head Junhee's way. "You don't know? You've never had friends before? Friendships go both ways, all relationships do."

That's coming from Sehyoon. He could tell Junhee all about that. 

"I didn't have friends growing up, my first friend was in college and he's my only." That was better off in his head.

"You have your team."

"They aren't my friends," he doesn't keep that at a whisper, "they're my teammates. Never have they once invited me to anything that wasn't track related. They only care about me bringing victory to this school's name."

Sehyoon sits back up. “So why do you do it? If they don't care about you, then leave. Why are you even here? To waste your breath?"

"Because I love it, Sehyoon.” He rests his head in his palms, "This is my passion. I could care less about this school and how many wins I'm giving them, running is something I enjoy and this is the school I fell into, I didn't choose to be here, but I did choose this team."

Sehyoon has nothing else to say. What could he say? Argue with him? Over a fact? That would be silly.

Junhee let's his eyes droop and he's on the brink of snoring, but he has more to say and doesn't know when he'll get another opportunity to talk to Sehyoon like this. "I remember what you said the other night." He doesn't know why, he's probably gonna regret it later, but hesitantly, he rests his head on Sehyoon's shoulder.

And He freezes. His right shoulder is at a slight rise and it doesn't fall until a minute later. He doesn't know why he's letting this happen. "I know. I meant it too. That's why I said it."

"You say a lot of things you don't mean, you know." Risky move.

"You've known me for a week." Risky answer.

"A week goes a long way if you look at it our way."

He doesn't need an elaboration on _our way_ to understand. It does go a long way. An uncomfortably long way.

Sehyoon waits a few minutes, but it feels like an hour before Junhee is actually asleep. On his shoulder. He shakes him twice just to make sure, he's safe now. Safe to say whatever he wants, which still isn't much without the driver hearing him, but still safe.

"We're friends." And for the first time in an unthinkable amount of time, he falls asleep with ease.


	6. around you

Junhee has to pick up his duffle bag from the curb and place it in his trunk himself because his aim is flat out shit. "Aren't you getting in?"

Junhee waited for him. Roughly twenty minutes, but he waited. It took longer than expected with unloading equipment, he had no help. They both left the charter with no words spoken, Sehyoon only sleeping for a quarter hour, waking Junhee half an hour prior to their arrival so he could get back to his seat before they could come to a complete stop and the lights illuminated.

Just for him to settle on the decision that he actually isn't getting in.

Though he wants to. It's past midnight and he really doesn't want to walk home, but he doesn't want to get in another moving vehicle with Junhee. He can't be that close. Give it a few days. Maybe a week.

It's like nothing happened. At least that's how Junhee's portraying this. He's rubbing his left eye and impatience is written across his face. "Earth to Kim Sehyoon."

"Oh," he yawns, “Byeongkwan is on his way right now, thanks though."

He wasn't.

And so much for that lie, he doesn't even have a phone to text him with.

His trunk shut on its own and Junhee sits on top. "I'll wait then."

"Do you think I'm lying or something?"

Such a funny assumption because he probably doesn't, he probably has no clue to what's on Sehyoon's mind right now. Even funnier because Sehyoon knows he will wait, no matter how tired he is. He'll wait because he's too nice, too nice in a world that'll swallow him whole.

"No," he's probably telling the truth. "Should I?"

Sehyoon shakes his head and twiddles with the fuzzy strings on his sweatshirt. Head hanging low enough to be between his legs and he actually feels like he could fall asleep if he got comfortable enough.

And he does.

Junhee's clapping his hands as loud as they can take him because the rear of his car is notably pleasing in the moment and if he hadn't caught Sehyoon's deep breathing, he would've fallen asleep himself.

"Byeongkwan isn't coming, is he?"

Junhee waits until Sehyoon is looking at him to speak. Sehyoon shakes his head again and he looks so ethereal under the streetlight, even if his bags are on display today and his face is wholly devoured in the hood of the sweatshirt Junhee figured he likes a lot because he wears it almost everday, he's beautiful and Junhee doesn't know what he's thinking because you don't think this about people you've known for a week. He doesn't. Not Junhee.

"Why won't you just get in the car then?"

Sehyoon shrugs, but he knows. He knows that if he gets in that car he'll probably suffocate from the distress. Junhee doesn't know that, though. He won't tell him either because then he'll be questioned.

"Sehyoon,” Junhee's face is flushed partially from running for hours, partially from the fact that it's nearly below freezing outside and he has nothing but his uniform on, still, and a light jacket that he's using as a blanket to cover that, “I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s past midnight. I'm tired, you're tired, please just get in the car."

It's childish. It's more than childish of Sehyoon giving up an offer because he's scared of contact. And that sounds silly because it is, but it's true. He would do anything, he'd kiss the feet of his ex again if it meant he didn't have to get in that Camry with him.

But nonetheless, he does. In the backseat because it made him feel more secure. He flinched when Junhee reached back to move an open pack of Pocky that he almost sat on. Junhee seen, Sehyoon knows he did, but acted the opposite.

It felt like a road trip though it was only a ten minute drive and when they arrived Sehyoon didn't even bother returning the _goodnight_ , he bolted from the car into his hall, careful not to run, suspicions might spark.

"How'd the meet go?" Byeongkwan had a Ryan under his arm when Sehyoon walked in, an American film was on.

"Are you serious?" He was livid, but not even himself could tell, his voice was small, all he wanted right now was his bed. "You could've picked me up from school."

"Because I definitely knew what time you would be back.” He accidentally ate a kernel from his bowl of popcorn and spit it at Sehyoon, and missed. "Take a shower and you can watch Avengers with me."

Having Byeongkwan spoil the whole movie because Sehyoon knows he's seen it more than once, more than twice, it's happened before, he can pass. His bed was only mere feet away. "I'd rather choke on a spoon."

"You don't mean that." Byeongkwan only looked his way once when the film buffered.

He's right.

**.  .  .**

Sehyoon proved his professor and anyone else who had the same outlook on him wrong because he did get through finals. He used insomnia to his advantage and studied every night, all night. Byeongkwan was there to bring him his every want and need though he didn't ask, but that's what he gets when he's cooped in his room for 48 hours without a single meal, letting the feeling of starvation numb him because his sole interest is passing, even if it was barely.

And he did. Not barely, exceptionally. Living up to his school's reputation and making everyone do a double take, his name back on the map for a good reason.

He does still get the stares and the random outbursts during lectures and sometimes he even trips over someone's foot that was out _on accident_ on purpose for the laughs because everyone loves a good laugh, they feed into it too well. But, he feels like he's back to his old self, whatever his old self was, he feels brand new. Minus the boyfriend and the happiness, he feels like the one pair of shoes you've cleaned so well you thought you could wear again, but it's still rough around the edges, mended.

Byeongkwan picks him up from practice now. He isn't avoiding Junhee, he has no reason to, but it feels like he is. Some days when Byeongkwan can't be his ride or is passed out on their couch because he forgot about him, he takes the subway and if that takes too long, he walks. Junhee is there, he always is, and Sehyoon knows he's more than welcome to ask for a ride home, but it never happens. And he doesn't know why.

Junhee doesn't offer either. They see each other everyday, they make lethal eye contact, sometimes like a staring contest that neither are up for losing until Junhee smiles and Sehyoon looks elsewhere uncomfortably, vice versa on rare occasions eliminating the smile of course, but nothing changes. Junhee never runs to him at the end of practice asking if he wants a ride, not that Sehyoon's expecting him to, but it's the thought. Junhee could be waiting for him everyday but he'll never know because he leaves first, usually.

But today's different. It's different not because he feels like a new person, in a way, but because he told Byeongkwan to save his gas, the complete opposite from the past month. He has no idea why he said it because he sure as hell is not taking the subway, though it's his only option unless he wants to walk and that's a definite no, but he doesn't want to. He could ask Junhee, but how random would that be after a month of practically ditching him, no doubt he'd say yes, but Sehyoon's procrastinating and that never ends well.

He especially takes long when putting up equipment and something has gotten into him that he can't figure out because his conscience is telling him that he actually wants Junhee to come out and ask if he needs a ride home, he'll probably be stupid per usual and say no, but the little angel on his shoulder wants it to happen.

The little devil on the other hand, sitting proudly on his shoulder wants Junhee to trot along to his car like he's been doing all this time and drive off without a clue that Sehyoon was still there, the little devil wants Sehyoon to wait thirty minutes for the subway, the little devil doesn't want Sehyoon happy.

Which means the little angel on his shoulder does want him happy, but happy is _n_ _ot_  Park Junhee. Is it? No, it isn't. Park Junhee is far from happiness.

He puts the final lock on the gate because the locker room was empty when he checked and he has no one to wait for. So much for the angel.

He barely has something on his card, but the café is only a three minute walk from the stadium, if he's gonna wait for the subway, he might as well spend his last bucks on something good.

It smells amazing inside, as always, and it makes Sehyoon want to pull out his laptop and study something to keep him occupied long enough for Byeongkwan to start worrying and pick him up because how embarrassing would it be for him to call back telling how his plan backfired that Byeongkwan knew nothing about, but his laptop is at home and even if he had it, there's nothing to study.

The barista's eyeing Sehyoon, and not in one of those disgusted _I can't believe you cheated on your boyfriend with his sister_  looks, but the complete opposite. He's cute, that's no denying, but checking someone out has to be the most abominable act someone can do in his opinion.

He's batting his eyelashes after running his thumb over Sehyoon's palm when his card was handed back to him, "You wouldn't mind if I asked for your number, right?" Sehyoon's careful not to touch fingertips with the guy when he's taking the receipt.

He does mind. Very much so. But his mouth suddenly go dry and his lips are agape because he's afraid what will happen if he declines. A camera could emerge from the counter that's separating them both and it's his worst nightmare all over again, how bad he'd hate himself for coming here if that was the case. It could be the case. Or he could just be some cute boy looking for someone to waste his time, either way Sehyoon doesn't want it.

"Babe," an arm is hooked from his back to his waistline and he's frozen, but sweating, “you didn't already pay, did you?"

He could recognize the voice in his sleep, still he locked wide eyes with Junhee like it was his first time seeing the boy, ever.

"Ah, don't worry about it," he smiles at the barista with all his teeth, "I'm waiting in the car."

He's gone before Sehyoon can process a bit of what just happened.

"Your drink." The barista says through a half closed mouth, his knuckles are white and Sehyoon bows before he leaves and even though the guy doesn’t take it as an apology, it was.

And true to his word, Junhee's waiting in the car, on his phone that's thrown into a cup holder when Sehyoon retracts the door handle, he's looking at Sehyoon all through his course of messing with the stuck seatbelt strap until coming to the conclusion out of frustration that he doesn't want it on.

"Put the seatbelt on.” Junhee reaches  over his side, yanking the strap over Sehyoon's waste into its latch.

They both stare out the windshield, Junhee still parked in front of the café. "Why do you do these things."

Junhee fiddles with the keys in the ignition. "Do what?"

"Appear.” Sehyoon hands him the coffee, he takes it without argument. "Appear when I don't need you, stop doing that."

He approves with a nod after tasting the americano. “You didn't need _me_ , but you needed someone. I witnessed the entire situation, you were not getting out of that one yourself."

"Okay," because he did have a point. "why else were you there then?"

Junhee laughs. "You want me to elaborate on my whereabouts now?" Sehyoon nods. "I just finished my last final, this is my favorite café, I've been going since my first year here, does that answer it all for you?"

And that explains why Sehyoon had no one to wait for to leave the stadium, Junhee never came to practice, Sehyoon didn't look much today, but he's always the last one there.

"So you know who that barista is?"

"No,” he begins to pull out from his parking spot, “but I do know that you were uncomfortable and he's bad at trying to get between someone's legs."

Sehyoon wish there was a _backsies_  button the second the words left his mouth. "And you know this because?”

“I’m obviously better.” 

"I won't believe it until I see it."

Junhee really has no idea where he’s going with this but he couldn't lose, not this one. "Is that a challenge?"

It wasn't, but Sehyoon was afraid he'd ruin the mood if he said it. "I guess it is."

"Kim Sehyoon," Junhee finally glances his way at a red light, “give me your number."

"Demanding." Sehyoon almost felt himself smile. "Why should I?"

"Why shouldn't you?" God, what was he getting himself into...

Sehyoon doesn’t have another comeback. Not that he wanted one because he was giving him his number either way. “You didn't write it down."

"I'll remember it." He will, because this was his only shot and he didn't know when his confidence would get the best of him again.

Sehyoon bent down before shutting the car door. "We'll see about that."

"Why are you smiling?" Byeongkwan asks from the kitchen counter, peanut butter in his hand.

Sehyoon locks the door. "Am I ugly or something?"

He licks the butter knife in his other. "Sorta, but that's not normal and it's scaring me."

Sehyoon replays the car ride in his head, the little angel was winning.

"Earth to my motherfucking best friend.” Byeongkwan taps the knife against the refrigerator. "What the fuck is going on?"

Sehyoon doesn’t know how he would react him hanging out with Junhee, not really, but on occasions, and he doesn’t want to risk finding out either. It wouldn't be negative, he hopes, but he can't risk that either. They do know each other after all, right?

"I'm just done with finals, that's all.” He pushes Byeongkwan to the side with the refrigerator door. "I think I did pretty good."

Byeongkwan smiles which, on his half, is even rarer. "We should go out!"

"It's Thursday,” Sehyoon chugs from Byeongkwan's carton of strawberry milk, "plus, I don't really drink, you know that." And he didn't seem to mind because he continued rambling.

"Neither does Chan, but you see how that went,” he takes the carton and drinks from it himself, " _plus_ , we're leaving for break soon, please."

Sehyoon wishes he could use tired as an excuse, but he isn’t right now, he could lay down though, but he isn’t tired. And Byeongkwan's doing that face that really makes him look like he's about to burst into tears when Sehyoon knows he isn't, he falls for it every time.

"Fine." Byeongkwan began jumping from foot to foot, grabbing Sehyoon's hands. "But not for long, I'm serious."

Byeongkwan nods frantically and pulls him towards his room, whatever he said just went through one ear and came right out the other.

**.  .  .**

Junhee repeats the number the entire way to his dorm. He even made a song out of it because he really would hate himself if he forgot. He'd hate himself even more if he had to ask again.

His car’s parked slanted, almost scraping a Jeep in the process of because he couldn't think straight. He snatches his phone from the cup holder and saves the number, not bothering to fix the park either because he already threw his keys into his bag and searching in there is looking for something in the void.

"How was it?" Donghun emerges from the bathroom, wrapped in the robe Junhee's father got him for Christmas. "Didn't think it'd take you that long."

Right because he left at ten this morning, it took almost twelve hours. How else to explain that than the truth.

"I actually went to practice, thought I needed it." The lie dripped from his tongue. "It was alright though, think I did well."

"That's good." Donghun glances at the, still full, coffee in his hand. "You went to the café and didn't think about me? I always think about you," he pouts. 

Junhee hands him the drink without thought and waits for him to sit on the opposite sofa. "Hyung."

“Hm?"

"What do you do if you like someone?"

He begins coughing despite swallowing half a minute ago, Junhee watches him clear his throat. "Like—like _like_?" Junhee nods. “Ask them out."

Junhee stretches himself across the furniture. "I'm scared."

"You?"

He sits up. "Not me. A friend."

"What other friend, Junhee? Your friend list has one recipient and you're looking at him."

Junhee doesn’t  respond because he was right. Trust issues and all hence his only friend now, he hasn't even tried for another since, Donghun seems to be all he needs.

Still, he obliges. "Well, tell your scared friend that they should wait it out, get to know the other some more, eventually feelings will be mutual, and they'll most likely take things from there, your friend has nothing to be afraid of."

He smiles sweetly at Junhee and it makes him feel like nothing but a bad friend, but he couldn't tell him. He couldn't tell Donghun all about his rendezvous with Sehyoon, then he'd tell him that Sehyoon wasn't good for him and to get them both a therapist, Sehyoon because he actually needs it and Junhee just in case. Donghun knows Sehyoon, just like everyone else, he knows the story.

"Seriously Junhee, if it's you, you can tell me. You can tell me anything, you know that, right? I'll never judge you."

He knew that, more than anything else. But he'd judge him on this, he knew _that_  more than anything else.

"Of course, but it isn't me." Junhee grins at him, head hanging from the sofa. "Promise."

And Donghun probably knows he’s lying, but he doesn’t budge, he didn't even try. He nods like he understands and pushes the empty cup towards Junhee, leaving him in the room with nothing but his thoughts.

He probably doesnt even like Sehyoon how he thinks he does. Fighting the urge to kiss someone because they're pretty and having genuine feelings are two different things.

He knows that, barely. But he wants to like Sehyoon, he wants to have that feeling, the one that sends him over the top. He wants to be the first person on Sehyoon's mind the second he wakes up and the last when he falls asleep, he wants to see him everyday, before and after practice, he wants to have time with him, not just in his car. But that's a lot to ask and he doesn't know what to do with the newly saved number in his phone for starters.

What if he gave him the wrong number? On purpose? If he's the victim of such, he'd be so devastated no doubt. But _if_ he was, he wouldn't have to fight this baffling feeling anymore because then it'd be obvious that Sehyoon wants nothing to do with him, just like he always said. He'd have nothing else to worry about.

But what if he gave him the wrong number on accident? What if it was the right number but Junhee mistaked a two for a three in his mind, then that's his fault, he can't ask again, he won't ask again.

 **jh** : _kim sehyoon?_

**.  .  .**

Bartenders have a way with words, or maybe Sehyoon just can't say no.

He's downing whatever's in arm's reach and Byeongkwan is begging him to leave, but it's been so long since he's had this much fun, if he leaves he'll only be reminded of the man he went into the bar as.

The last time he's gotten this wrecked, it was the beginning of the end of his life and he's been trying to repress the memory, so hard, he thought he did, but for some reason everything's resurfacing with his lips split and Sauvelle in between and suddenly he doesn't want to have fun anymore. He almost feels sober because he's standing straight when he tells Byeongkwan they can go home.

If this is permanent scarring, he'll never touch a bottle opener ever again.

"You okay?" Byeongkwan catches his blank expression while in traffic. "You were having so much fun, what happened?"

He won't talk. If he does, he'll probably end up crying. Byeongkwan takes his forced smile and thumbs up because that's the only thing he'll get no matter how hard he pushes.

It keeps Sehyoon up all night, again. How would things look for him if everyone's phones died that night? Or if he hadn't known where that fucking party was? Would anyone really care for him as much for they did then? Probably not, but what're the odds. What would've happened if he admitted to cheating? Nobody would have anything to hold against him, they couldn't call him a liar because he told the truth. They couldn't spread any rumors, there'd be nothing to spread. Everything would've be left alone and he could've kept going with his deranged life, that's what would've happened.

Byeongkwan doesn't bother. Not to ask if he wants some water, not to tell him to take a shower. Sehyoon knows he's up, he can hear the buttons from his Nintendo and his grunts of frustration every now and then. His door is locked after all, but that wouldn't stop Byeongkwan, he'd bulldoze it down if it came to checking on him.

But then there's three knocks and Sehyoon jumps up, nearly knocking himself off of his feet, he'll have a migrane when he wakes up.

Byeongkwan doesn't hold water, or his towel and wash cloth, or Asprin. "You left your phone in my room." He holds it out for Sehyoon to take.

"Thanks." One syllable and he's already slurring.

"Okay?" Byeongkwan holds onto the doorknob, biting the corner of his bottom lip.

Sehyoon nods. "Okay."

He waits until he hears both doors shut to sit back down, there's nothing for him on his phone, hence why it was in Byeongkwan's room not his.

 **Scam Likely** : _kim sehyoon? [9:42PM]_

He has to squint to verify that it's actually three in the morning.

 **ksy** : _hoo?_

There's no response for a while and Sehyoon watches the night through his small, suffocating window. His eyes making their own constellations, not through stars, but the sky itself, shapes only he can see. When his eyes cross and his mind goes swimming elsewhere he has to start completely over, a new shape every time.

The phone dings after he's made a character from an American cartoon his sister used to watch, they're wearing a hanbok.

 **Scam Likely** : _i_ _t's junhee, hey_

 **ksy** : _junhe?_

 **Scam Likely** : _yeah, why are you up so late?_

 **ksy** : _thinkng.._

 **jh** : _about?_

 **ksy** : _m a bed person, you souldnt be my friend_

 **jh** : _why do you say? i think you're cool_

 **ksy** : _liar. you lie like eveyruone else to make me fel good_

 **jh** : _what do you mean?_

 **ksy** : _i'm not ok right now_

 **jh** : _what's going on?_

 **ksy** : _i cant dri nk mm i shouldn't drink anymor_

 **jh** : _ah you’re drunk.. you should really go to bed_

 **ksy** : _i like talkingn you though junhee. you make me feel warm incid, eve nif you dont like me. i3like you._

 **jh** : _please get some rest, talk to me tomorrow okay?_

He feels like he's choking while typing, forcing the tears to retreat to their hiding place, he has no reason to cry right now.

 **ksy** : _jus for a litl longer?? olealse? i real y like talking tonyou_

 **jh** : _i won't text back if you don't go to sleep, you'll be up in no time and we can talk all day if you want_

 **ksy** : _mean youre sso mesn_

 **jh** : _go to bed_

 **ksy** : _ok! just too t$alk to you more ok?_

 **jh** : _okay, goodnight_

 **ksy** : _goondifht!!!_

If he died in his sleep that would've been so convenient.


	7. destination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is kinda cute.. kinda

Sehyoon did everything he could to wipe his memory that morning, wash the dishes, organize the refrigerator, take out the trash, hell he even cleaned the bathroom, but the clock only read _10:46AM_  when he finished it all and throughout everything, through every dish, every Pine-Sol bottle cap, every container of old rice, he could scroll through those messages.

This is why he doesn't drink. He told Byeongkwan, but it's always that look. How would Byeongkwan react to Sehyoon drunk texting the boy he can't get away from? He'd laugh. He'd laugh until Sehyoon was on the first morning train back to Gwangju.

Sehyoon would laugh too. He'd definitely laugh if he hadn't told Junhee how much he liked him, how much he wanted to talk to him, but he _can_  applaud himself for not telling how he was on the brink of tears when he told him to go to sleep, that'd be a hell of an explanation.

Maybe he scared Junhee because he hasn't received anything since, not that he even wants to look because he doesn't, too much of a reminder, but he put his ringer on for once and the device has been practically glued to his side all morning and nothing, not even a faint vibrate.

He could text first, _good morning sorry for my fit last night i was wasted as shit and i don't actually like you haha please leave me alone for the rest of my life_ , but that'd be a massive lie because he does like Junhee, a lot, and wants nothing more than to talk to him all day, so it wasn't necessarily his drunk conscience talking but himself, the Sehyoon who can't say those things without getting a dry mouth got a few doses of something strong and suddenly he's bold.

He could text first because it's near noon and he's still sitting anxiously at the edge of his bed, tired of waiting.

 **ksy** : _meet me at the café in 30_

He could text first because he did. He knows why he did, but he's slowly regretting having a thumb because he wishes he didn't. What if he isn't awake? He probably isn't. No practice until after break because Junho was apparently in a _good mood_  and of course that could change but as of now, everyone's free and if Sehyoon was Junhee he'd sleep in until New Years, he could himself, but anxiety and all.

If he is awake and doesn't show that'd be humiliating, probably the most he's encountered this semester. Why wouldn't he? But, why would he? It'd be even worse if Sehyoon didn't show up because he's starting to think about hiding under his bed and disabling his phone because he really doesn't know what's overtaking him.

"Why are you under the bed?" Byeongkwan's kicking the bars to the bedstand and Sehyoon's afraid it might collapse on him, not that he'd mind, but he'd never broken a bone before, so he pushes against the wall until his body is exposed again.

So much for that.

"Looking for something." He quests on rummaging through his wardrobe.

"Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan is behind him, far too close. "Sehyoon," he repeats.

He faces him, letting his heels hit the wooden dresser because Byeongkwan _was_  too close. "Hm?"

Byeongkwan examines him like he's an x-ray. "What’s going on?"

"What do you mean?" He turns back to his clothes.

"You know what I mean," he holds the drawer Sehyoon almost closes. "Fucking talk to me. You've been off, I don't know what it is but you're not going anywhere until I get some closure on this."

Sehyoon felt the laugh build but it didn't erupt. "Don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do." Byeongkwan blocks the doorway though it looked like he was about to leave. “Are people messing with you again? Is that what it is?"

"God, no Byeongkwan. Why do you think like this?"

"Because you don't tell me anything!" Sehyoon's eyes shift towards him at the sudden raise. "Are we even still friends?"

"What?" He had to laugh, it was ridiculous. "No, you're not really mad."

Byeongkwan began shouting and Sehyoon jumped. "I am! And apparently you think that's funny. You're so miserable, it's sad."

Sehyoon follows him into the hall. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what it means." Byeongkwan's bedroom door slams, the mirror his mother sent them shatters.

If it means what Sehyoon think it means then he's doing more than a double take because there's no way he'd ever say something like that. Not to Sehyoon.

He's overthinking it. Is he?

His phone goes off and he almost forgets where he is and what he was doing.

 **jh** : _where are you?_

Because he definitely said thirty minutes forty-five ago, the time he wastes.

He doesn't remember leaving out, his sole focus is on arriving, which he does in seven minutes tops because he stopped sprinting when the building appeared in farsight vision.

Junhee's on his laptop when the bell rings violently from Sehyoon stampeding inside. He's engaged in videos of track and field, but tucks the device in his bag when Sehyoon sits beside him, in front still too intimate.

"I got into something with Byeongkwan,” he held his forehead in his palms. "Sorry."

He didn't seem to care. "Why exactly are we here?"

"You could've told me if you were busy."

His head is shaking vigorously. "I'm not, I was getting a few laps in," explains the athletic wear under the winter coat, “but I don't mind meeting you. No, I mean, we can hang out.” He pauses like he's done but Sehyoon let's him finish. "If you want."

Sehyoon sees him playing with his fingers from his peripheral. “I'd rather leave this place though." He's looking at his lap, "He's watching us."

Junhee looks up to see the same barista from yesterday, he's overfilling the blender. "Where do you want to go?"

"Wherever you want.”

And Sehyoon shouldn't have said that because there's so many places Junhee could take him, places he's never taken someone before. Not that he ever had anyone to take.

There's his dorm, but Donghun's there and that might give off false hints, he doesn't want him uncomfortable. He could let Sehyoon watch while he does a few more laps, but that's cruelty at its finest, especially when he's willing to run for hours today. There's so many places he could take Sehyoon if they were something more than what they are, but they aren't and he'd really rather not make him uncomfortable, he invited Junhee out, not vice versa.

"Come on." He swings the bag over his shoulder, almost hitting his head.

The barista still watches, eyes solid as they exit and whatever he had in the blender was on the floor now, Junhee snakes his hand through the hook of Sehyoon's and around his waist, he freezes but Junhee tries his best to ignore and usher them outside, flashing his smile at the barista before the bell rings and they’re out the door.

"What the fuck?" Sehyoon untenses and pushes Junhee. "Don't do that."

"You said he was watching us." Junhee feels through the bag for his keys.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean," Sehyoon gestures at Junhee's figure, "that!"

Junhee scratched his head and extends his arm until his fingers are scraping under his book at the bottom. “You seen my keys?"

"Why would I have seen—don't change the subject."

"No, I really can't find them.” Sehyoon waits for him to enter and exit the café, "It's not in there either."

He sits on the curb next to the Camry. "Maybe you left it at the stadium."

"Couldn't be, I drove here."

"Right."

Junhee feels through the bag again, throwing it onto concrete when there’s no luck. "How could I lose them?"

Sehyoon dusts himself off as if he was dirty when he stands. "Guess I should leave then."

"No!" Junhee's hand pauses running midway through his hair. "Don't go, I can find them, they're somewhere."

Sehyoon sits back down.

He tries opening the trunk that only causes the alarm to go off, both him and Sehyoon jumping. Junhee begins looking through each window, trying to open each door like he'd find some solution.

He squints. “Good going, Jun." He looks down at Sehyoon. “They're in the car, I left them in the car."

He goes back to his bag, kicking the hood out of annoyance, and finds his phone, Sehyoon sits through what felt like an hour of a phone call.

"Thank you so much," he sighs, the phone retreating back to the bag. "They'll stop the alarm, but no one can come to unlock it until tomorrow morning."

Junhee paces the parking lot and Sehyoon waits patiently, tracing through gravel with his foot because he did tell him not to leave.

"We could walk.” Junhee finally comes to a stop, facing Sehyoon.

Walking through campus? In broad daylight? With Park Junhee? He'd rather be dead. Not that Junhee's a bad thing, but people. And their eyes.

"Is it far?"

"Not really.” His bag’s back on one shoulder. "Or you could go home if you want, I didn't mean for things to go like this."

Sehyoon thinks about and considers it, but he didn't bring his ID and Byeongkwan might not open the door. "We can walk."

Junhee smiles.

**.  .  .**

Sehyoon isn’t familiar with the road they go down, but when an elderly woman is greeting them by grabbing both their cheeks, Sehyoon undoubtedly recognizes the ramen spot Junhee forced him into last month.

People are there this time. No one they know. And the lights aren't dimmed. "I'm not hungry though."

Junhee sits down first. "You don't have to eat." He adjusts the cushion for Sehyoon beside him. "It's better than someone who doesn't even know your name staring us both down."

And that he’s right about. The owner takes Junhee's order, but brings Sehyoon the same. "Sorry, but I didn't order anything."

"Ah," she references to her notepad, "your boyfriend ordered for you."

"He's not my boyfriend," her eyes avert to Junhee once said, "but thank you—Junhee."

He pushes the bowl towards Junhee when the owner leaves. "I don't want it."

"You're acting like a child."

He leans against the wall. "I'm older than you."

"You don't act like it." He stares at the full bowl of noodles, "You're really gonna waste this woman's food?"

"I told you I wasn't hungry."

He pulls the bowl towards him. "So stubborn."

"Right back at you."

He clenches at his chest, "You're mean."

Byeongkwan would be so relieved to hear that Sehyoon's finally getting over the boy who left him completely shattered. Not that Sehyoon still doesn't think about him from time to time. They make eye contact in class, only for a millisecond because Sehyoon flinches every time, and when Byeongkwan made him stay in the car while he got Baskin Robbins, at least that's how it seemed, that was their favorite spot, Sehyoon could've sworn he seen him glance inside the car.

But Sehyoon still thinks about him no doubt. Almost every other night. The relationship wasn't the best, the last few months were—a fucking nightmare—different, but they made it work, in a way.

Of course, Sehyoon still misses him, the him that didn't send Sehyoon back to the dorm every night with freshly bloomed marks that Byeongkwan really had to fish out of him because he didn't know what would happen if he said anything. He misses the him who got him out of the hole that swallows his happiness whole. He'll never get that again.

"What goes on in your head?" Junhee's is about to fall from his neck, he examines Sehyoon thoroughly.

Sehyoon nervously scans their atmosphere, "Are you done? Can we leave?"

Junhee looks behind him then back at his bowls, gathering them both. "Just let me pay, hold on."

"I'll be outside."

December had to be his favorite month. Wherever he was he could step outside and be brought to a completely new world. The air always felt moist to him to be completely dry. The shop, too crowded, it felt like he was drowning in everyone's voices, but outside he could yell at he wanted without being bombarded by his own echo.

December did bring constant loneliness, but he never had to deal with that, it's his first, but the feeling isn't too bad.

"You okay?" Junhee almost tumbles over his own feet leaving the shop.

"Too crowded, it was better last time." And he's saying that sincerely, not because he cried his eyes out in front of him and anything after crying feels good.

"Do you wanna go home?" He bites his nails, he didn't want him to.

"Do you?" It'd only be right if he said yes, it's Sehyoon's fault he's out here.

Junhee shakes his head and they began walking. "I like being with you."

A lump of nothing appears in his throat, it grew harder to breathe. "What?"

"You're one of the coolest people I've ever met, Kim Sehyoon."

Cool? Sehyoon doesn't even know who is he anymore.

Because cool was the friendliest word Junhee could think of. Sehyoon is more than cool, he's inexplicable, it would take Junhee years to come up with something, but he's more than cool.

They follow each other with no destination in mind. Crossing the street only when hesitation became uncomfortable, turning corners when the person on the inside decided to.

And they end up at a park. Sehyoon remembers coming in need of inspiration for his life drawing course his second year, it looks much smaller now though, quite the hike from Willow Grove.

Junhee sits on a platform that leads to a slide, leaving space for Sehyoon beside him. "What did you think of me before we met?"

Sehyoon leaves a gap between the question and his answer. "I don't know, can't remember. I didn't really care for you though, I didn't care for anyone." Except one.

"Do people talk about me?" There was fear in his voice.

"A lot. It's all positivity though, mainly how you carry the team, how you're so perfect. Some think you're cocky though."

He was biting the inside of his lip. "I'm not perfect."

"I never said you were."

"I'm far from perfect." Sehyoon closes his mouth and let’s him continue. "I have so many things wrong with me, you wouldn't believe. I'll never be perfect, not that I try, but I'm too damaged."

Sehyoon waits but there’s nothing else. "Damaged from?"

"Everything.” His body extends until his feet hit a bar, they were both obviously too small for the playground. "This school, these people. Everyone expects me to do this right and that the way they want it, but I mess up, I mess up big time. I'm insecure." He blurts out the last part, but laughs.

It wasn't a genuine laugh, it wasn't funny. But the laugh you force when you want something to seem comfortable though it's far from such.

He holds his nape. "You probably don't care, I shouldn't get too comfortable."

Sehyoon shakes his head. "I care. All your rants are safe with me." And that was true, he wouldn't tell anyone even if he had everyone's number in Seoul.

Junhee rubs his knees all the way down to his ankles and back up. “I just don't think I'm good enough, you know? I don't think I'm good enough for the Olympics, but I'm going anyway, and that's if I get through trials."

He pauses and when Sehyoon looks over he was abruptly wiping at his face. "And I think that's so stupid because why send someone whose their own trainer? What sense does that make? But I'll be there, I'll be there representing this country and it'll be embarrassing and no one will want to speak of me again, my plaque will be taken down, this school will disown me."

"I think you can do it." Sehyoon doesn’t know if he means it genuinely.

"So does everyone else."

The conversation goes south and vanishes, Sehyoon doesn’t want to argue because he might not have meant what he said. Junhee didn't want to argue because he Sehyoon might have meant what he said.

They sit in not so uncomfortable silence, the wind singing and cars screaming, until Sehyoon forgets he owns a cellphone which he almost pulls out the moment it vibrates.

 **bk** : _come home_

 **bk** : _please i miss you_

Junhee follows suit when Sehyoon stood and adjusted his outerwear. "Byeongkwan wants me home."

"You have a curfew?" He slides down the slide just for fun.

"Something like that."

It was barely evening but the streetlights were on and roads weren't even reminiscently close to being as busy as hours before.

Sehyoon led most of the way back to the ramen shop because Junhee knew the rest of the way from there and they really had no clue where and how they journeyed so far and some streets he did recognize, but when things started looking fuzzy and discombobulated, Junhee took over despite not knowing a thing about the area they were in.

Evening escapes and night emerges once they arrive at Sehyoon's residence hall with aching feet and Junhee wants to hug him and tell him how much he enjoyed his presence, but he doesn’t know how uncomfortable it’d make Sehyoon and him in the long run and he didn't want to test it either.

"Sorry." Sehyoon blurts after standing without words for a minute. Junhee's lips fall apart and he squints. "The texts last night. I was drunk and I don't drink but Byeongkwan has a way—"

"It's okay. You didn't mean it though, right?" Junhee braced for the worst.

"No." He lies and Junhee's expression drops. "Yes. I did, I don't know."

Junhee begins walking backwards, a small smile on his face, "Well, just so you know." He stuffs his hands into his pockets. "I like talking to you, a lot."

Sehyoon's lips tug upwards and for once, he let’s them. "Goodnight, Kim Sehyoon!" Junhee yells, halfway down the street, waving his hand, not looking back.

Byeongkwan's pacing comes to a halt when Sehyoon enters their apartment, his hands fall from the top of his head. "You didn't text back."

"Didn't think I needed to." He hangs his coat on a lamp.

Byeongkwan moves it to a rack and follows Sehyoon down the hall. “Don't be mad at me, please."

Sehyoon tries to shut his bedroom door but it only bounces back via Byeongkwan's hand. “Sehyoon, I didn't mean what I said you know that."

"Do I?" He sits on the bed, leaving no space for Byeongkwan. "Because you sure enough seemed like you did."

"I didn't. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I just don't want you upset with me."

"A sorry means little to me, what you said really did not sit well, Byeong, you know how I feel about that." He moves his leg towards himself, allowing Byeongkwan to sit.

"I just feel like we're not even friends anymore, you're supposed to be my best friend Sehyoon, I love you more than anything, but you push me away now more than ever and we barely talk, it's like we're just here to live together."

And there's a pit in Sehyoon's stomach because he felt the emptiness in their friendship too, caused by him but he decided to do nothing about it. Byeongkwan has every right to be upset, Sehyoon wouldn't have apologized or even spoke first if he were him because he has no reason to.

"Why'd you say it if you didn't mean it?"

Byeongkwan pushes himself back onto the wall, "I wanted you to feel how I feel. I'm sorry—"

"Stop apologizing." Sehyoon leans into him. "I'm your best friend. You come first, no matter what. No matter who is in my life after you, you will always come first. I'm sorry you've been feeling like this, that was really shitty of me this morning. And all the other times."

Byeongkwan begins playing in his hair, not a sign that he accepts his apology, but his habit. "I'm really sorry, Byeong, I don't want this to come between us."

"So, tell me what's been going on."

Sehyoon sighs. "I made a friend."

His hand stops at the back of his scalp, "Anyone I know?"

"You know the whole school."

Byeongkwan only hums because he was right. “Junhee."

He almost chokes from the deep inhale, "You guys are friends?"

Sehyoon knew Byeongkwan knew him and not on just a _we've had a few projects together_  level, Sehyoon can't forget how Byeongkwan's eyes lit up from shock when it was Junhee who brought Sehyoon home that night, even more, the conversation they had while Sehyoon cried on the couch, he couldn't forget that even if he tried.

"Supposedly. You know him, right?"

"Supposedly," an answer Sehyoon can't argue against, "is that who you were with today?

His fingertips smooth throughout Sehyoon's head when he nods. "You aren't mad, are you?" Bad question.

Too misleading. "Why would I be?"

"I don't know," Sehyoon thinks about anything else as a subject change, “I'm tired."

Byeongkwan lifts Sehyoon's head up, sliding from his spot onto the floor. "Sleep then."

"Byeongkwan," he pivots before closing the door. "I love you, you're my best friend."

The door shut, his voice echoes through the hall, "I know."


	8. electric

Sehyoon didn't get to see Junhee before his aunt showed up, unexpectedly, at 2PM that following weekend as his ride home for the holidays.

It took him an an hour to pack and she was the definition of impatient.

He could've texted a _see you later enjoy the holidays!_ , but he really wanted nothing more than to say it in person, the characters his phone limited him to wasn't enough.

Byeongkwan promised he'd give him his Christmas gift after break because he's yet to go shopping and the train to Gwangju is either always delayed or crowded this time of year and he wants neither.

If he knew where Junhee dormed, he could've stopped by, as strange as that would've been, but he wanted to see him and was on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown from the way his aunt was rushing.

She really had nowhere to go but back home to his delinquent cousin and her alcoholic of a husband, Sehyoon can't remember the last Christmas dinner either of them attended.

"Where's your boyfriend? What's his name again?" She got straight to the point, no small talk, right before Sehyoon could fall asleep with his neck resting on the seatbelt.

"He won't be coming this year, something with the debate team over break."

He had no idea where he got it from, he isn't even on the debate team.

"Such a shame, I like him." And she's the only one who did.

His sister greets him first when he steps into his childhood home, not such of a warm welcome while she's dragging him to her room, being sure to lock the door and keep her voice low.

"What the hell, Sehyoon?"

He stares dumbfoundedly. "I haven't even been here for thirty seconds."

"How could you let that happen?" She sits them both on her bed. "Everyone knows."

Then it clicks, but he plays dumb. "Knows what?"

"You know what I'm talking about. People I didn't even know bothered me about that video."

"Who?" And suddenly he's her big brother again because the need to get defensive resurfaces without warning. "Did they touch you?"

She smacks his arm. “I just said I didn't know who they were, I'm fine."

"Does mom know?"

"God no, you would've been in a case by now, both of you."

"Where is she, anyway?"

She's out shopping, but she'll question Sehyoon until he's completely drained because his bedroom door is open and a tongue isn't down his throat while she cooks dinner.

He could go reunite with old friends, who never really liked him, but their parents are close with his, to kill time and stall when his mother does get back because he'd rather not make up some absurd answer for her every question.

Instead, his sister kicks his ass in Overwatch because she has all the time in the world to play, perks of being a highschooler while Sehyoon has a full schedule that he just barely maintains.

His mother walks in just before the sun sets with bags dangling from both arms, ordering Eunsuh to get the rest from the trunk before she tackles Sehyoon's structure, attacking him with kisses that he wipes off individually as they come.

"My son, you're home." She holds his face while he winces. "If I'd known you were coming I would've prepared something beforehand, are you hungry?"

"I didn't know I was coming either," she chuckles. "Not really, I'm okay."

She pushes the bags behind the couch. "I'll make something anyway, for later."

So far so good. If he's lucky enough she'll forget to ask him anything, her sole focus making something that he might forget to eat.

"Oh? Where's your Youngho?"

That's the name.

It's not like she cares, she would dance on his grave if she could. But of course it's the thought.

"He has something with the debate team, I don't think he'll be here for the holidays."

He could've sworn he seen her smile. "That's too bad, maybe next year."

She never actually voiced that she didn't like him, it was always along the lines of _my son deserves better_  or _Sehyoon_ _you know what's good for you right?_ , but she never said it, how bad that would've stung if she had.

Eunsuh only liked him on occasions. When he bought her makeup and her favorite Bingsu, other than that she gave him no recognition, even made plans with her friends everyday to leave the house while he was there.

It's so risky that Sehyoon is even assuming his whereabouts, their houses are around the corner from each other. Hopefully his family still has that free vacation that they won years ago, it would be a miracle just in Sehyoon's favor if they used it this year and took Youngho with.

Sehyoon could never see what was so bad about him. Now he can, no doubt, but then? He thought Youngho was the only person on earth and he was simply a measly particle who just so happened to be winded around his fingertips.

No one liked him. His aunt isn't up for discussion, but there wasn't a single person who enjoyed his being.

Explains so much now.

Everything kind of felt empty in a way since the breakup. Sehyoon really tries, he's doing his best with this but it's not easy to blink and keep going after spending half a decade with someone. That's far from simple.

Christmas was _their_  thing. The festives they made a tradition can't seem to leave Sehyoon alone, it's just not something he could do solo, not that he'd try.

New years, _their_  thing. They went to New York two years ago for the ball drop, with all the complaints from his mother, but they still had the best time ever.

He wants to do it again.

Eunsuh wraps her arms around his neck from behind. "Wanna take a walk with me?"

He still has Youngho's _California Bears_  sweatshirt that he managed to smuggle and keep because it was always too big on him and it worked perfectly for this time of year with the weather. It'd be quite the scene if he walked right on his porch as him and Eunsuh walked their neighborhood.

"Did you really cheat on him?" Her breath was crystal white when she spoke.

When he sighed whatever stood in nearsight was fogged for a second. "I don't like girls, Eunsuh."

"But did you cheat on him?"

"No, for God's sake, I didn't." For once someone actually wanted his side. "For one, this whole thing happened my first year, I don't even know how he found out."

His sister was a senior, a solid five years older than him which was already strange, but Sehyoon never complained because she was always invisible to him. She asked for a ride to her place after she third wheeled while Sehyoon and her brother spooned on his couch, she pretended not to watch.

Sehyoon was _going_  to give her the ride, how could he say no? She got comfortable in the front seat of his graduation gift, he even gave her the aux. He was about to pull off when she held the gear.

_"You're really pretty, I love your eyes." She bats hers, smiling like she held all her teeth in place._

_"Thanks." Sehyoon scratches his nape with one hand and tries to reach for the gear again with the other, her hand still occupied._

_"Do you really like my brother?" Her hand crept up his, he was confident enough to snatch it to his_ _side._ _"I mean, he's great. But do you really like him?"_

_He nods. "I love him, but I'd really like to get you home right now." Her hand beats him back to the gear._

_She giggles. "I don't think you know what love is, let me show you."_

_Her fingers outline his thigh, he was wearing shorts. She leans towards him, her breath steaming when she kisses him, his lips still apart in shock, like someone stuck him right in a walk in freezer, when her tongue made entry, forcing a dance with his._

_He melted and hit his head on the window from how far he jerked back, wiping his lips. "Get out."_

_"What?" Her hand follows suit over her mouth. "Didn't you like that?"_

_"I want you to get out."_

_She zipped her bag and took her phone from the cupholder. "Fine.” Sehyoon almost closes the door for her until she crouches, holding it in place. "Just know you'll regret giving me up one day."_

And he did. He regretted it more than anything, but it would've been worse if he let it happen. She would've told either way. Sehyoon couldn't believe Youngho still remembered the night after four years. And why he believed something when at the time, he was separated from them by stories. Three of them.

"Did you tell him what you told me?" She faces Sehyoon with rosy cheeks, almost tripping over a twig had he not caught her arm.

"I tried." He really did.

"I should tell him myself. Come on, let's go to his house!" She tugs at his sleeve, climbing the flat pavement as Sehyoon applied force. "No one treats my brother like this."

"Leave it alone," he pulls her back, she could've flown, “it's over, done with."

If he asked for Sehyoon back, would he take him? It'd probably just be to torment him, but right now? In this day and age? Sehyoon's still vulnerable enough to fall into his grip once again.

They walk their neighborhood until the streetlight by his house that refuses to turn on, turned on.

His grandparents were laughing with his mother when they came in, his grandmother rose to her feet the second she identified Sehyoon.

"My sweet." She hugs all over his body. "It's good to see you."

He smiles and wipes the sticky kiss she planted far on his cheek when she turns around, returning with two cloths in her hand. "I got you a sweater, I didn't knit this year because I know it makes you itch, your mom told me."

He turns to his mom and winces, she shooes him away. "And your what's his name?" His mom whispers and the lightbulb goes off in her head. "Youngho! Your Youngho, I got him one too, where is he?"

His mother beat him to it. "He won't be attending our festives this year, mom, give it to Sehyoon, he could use another one."

It's not like she brought the extra just for his boyfriend. They were always Sehyoon's. She usually found some _buy one get one free_ deal in her stores, and giving Sehyoon both would be rude. Her words. Especially when both sweaters were his size and would fit on Youngho like a crop top, she did it on purpose.

"Well, that's too bad, I'll get him next year." No sympathy showed on her face, "Wear them well, Sehyoon."

He never did.

**.  .  .**

Christmas came and went. Byeongkwan found a way to send him his gift, a cologne set, which should be a good thing because he never wears any but it could be a bad thing because of that same fact, and a coffee set with his favorite creams and the blend of his order at the café. Sehyoon has no idea how he got it because it's their signature which isn't sold elsewhere, but he won't ask any questions.

His sister got him the _gift of love_  and a pajama set because if he roamed the house barefoot with nothing but briefs on in the middle of winter, then he's bound to do it away where no one can bother him and she's _tired of it_. There's a threat that he'd rather not think about if he doesn't wear them. He will.

And his mother. His mother returned his beloved Maxima. She threw the keys at him before he could even wake up. It was sitting in the garage right where he left it. No scratches, nothing rearranged interior wise, completely untouched. He was convinced she sold it. He had to dig through his entire wallet then through the pouch he sometimes kept the leather in to fish out his license. He laid hugging the keys for a good hour.

Something in him kind of hoped Junhee would call, or text, both would've been suitable, but he has his own family and Sehyoon tends to forget that part. He could do it himself if anything he touched on that keyboard didn't seem needy and annoying, he'd rather not.

After Christmas, everything converted back to loneliness. He was constantly reminded how things were before he fell in love and it wasn't fun. He had no one to coddle, no one to sit and watch _The Nightmare Before Christmas_  reruns, miserable was dispersing it's way back around. Eunsuh had her own friends over who she made sure not to bother him because they really wanted to, he could tell from their expressions the instant they seen him sitting on the couch when they walked in.

There was New Years left which he visualized himself staying at home, under his blankets, crying if it felt right while his family went to see the fireworks. He hasn't missed those for anything, except for the New York trip, but even then Eunsuh facetimed so they could both get the others' experience. He remembers from an early age being completely astonished by the colors and sounds, he still is now. His mom probably won't let him miss it because of _tradition_ , but he'll find a way.

"Why aren't you dressed?" His mother peers through the door, he was emerged in the quilt his grandmother gave him.

"I don't feel well." He murmurs with a pillow over his head."You guys have fun without me."

She enters and shuts the door behind her, pulling the quilt from over him and the pillow from his face, slapping her hand on his forehead then under his chin. "You feel fine."

"But I really don't feel good, mom."

She gives him a good scan. "You're coming. It's tradition. You can sit in your car if you want."

He sits up, pouting, but she wasn't changing her mind. “Get dressed." She was almost out the door. "Your sister and her friends are riding with you."

And that's exactly what he did. Riding with teenagers for an hour who can talk until their lips actually fall off drains a lot out of a person.

He could watch the fireworks from his window. It was a decent view. Of course they arrived early, so everyone wasn't necessarily there though it was already compact. He thinks he'll be able to see them.

Until a woman with a school of kids and a tent blocked his view.

He really wanted to see the fireworks now that he was here, but there was nowhere else to park that was close and in walking distance and he's afraid _if_  he moved, he'll miss them.

He leaves his car, making sure to lock it, _twice_ , because he seen some delinquents eyeing the beauty through tinted windows earlier. His parents has such good taste.

It was like the halls back in high school, tight and complex. Everyone moved slow or not at all, he just wanted to find his family, he's sure they had a good spot. He tried calling Eunsuh, then his mother, then his grandmother, none answered. He could just watch alone. Because that's definitely how he should be on New Years. Alone.

His favorite Bingsu cart was mere feet away from him and the line was short, he couldn't give that up.

The owner recognized him immediately and her eyes were luminant, he's come here at least twice every New Year's Eve since he was young.

"How's college treating you, Sehyoon-ah?" She focuses on the bowl but made sure to make eye contact when it was appropriate.

"Great." Liar. “I'm a senior now."

"Senior?" Sehyoon could see the white air vacuum into her mouth when she gasped. "You're so grown up now, I remember when you were this small." She positioned her hands low while handing him the bowl.

He reached for his wallet. “Time flies."

She shakes her hands in his face. "Don't worry about it, it's on the house."

"No, I couldn't. It's been on the house for the past four years."

She smiles sweetly. "It's really on the house, Sehyoon-ah."

He was about to argue back. “Kim Sehyoon?"

The owner glanced behind him, then her hands fly over her mouth, she closes the shutter.

Junhee was swallowed under a fur coat with suede brogues and jeans that suffocated his calfs, Sehyoon unintentionally checked him out a solid three times. It would've been four if he hadn't caught him midway.

"You come here?" His cheeks were pale, he watched Sehyoon with doe eyes.

"Every year." He looks down, the stare was burning holes through him.

"So do I, the fireworks in Suncheon are nowhere near this fun. How haven't we seen each other?"

"For starters, there's thousands of people here, it'd be fate if we've ever seen each other."

The last part slipped from his tongue, but Junhee didn't seem to mind. "Who are you with?"

His boyfriend. If he still had one. "My family. I really don't know where they are though."

There was a sinister grin on Junhee's face, he kicked the ground, eyes down. "Watch them with me. The fireworks."

He can't. He could of course he could, watching fireworks with Park Junhee sounds like the absolute dream, he has to cherish the person he is more because Junhee has an interest in him, anyone would kill for that. But he shouldn't.

He will.

He made sure to slide a twenty under the shutter despite the price of the small bowl being more than half lower because she deserved it for all she's done for Sehyoon and his family. And also, he had no change.

They find an open area right in front of the river. "Sorry for not wishing you a Merry Christmas, I was busy."

Don't apologize, is what he wants to say. "It's okay." Sehyoon thought about him all day, but couldn't send one text himself. His schedule was clear.

The last time he checked the watch his grandfather gave him, he'll be sure to return Byeongkwan's without notice, it was 11:52PM, but then everyone started counting down and he brung his wrist to eyesight and seven minutes have past and this was happening. He was going into the new year with this boy. This boy that has him going every which way.

Junhee looks at him with all the joy he could hold in his eyes, he was smiling hard, not the cat smile, but something better. Something prettier. Sehyoon's heart ached, he felt it. Ear to ear, his expression was contagious, Sehyoon couldn't help but smile back, crooked and all, it was worth it.

They both averted forward, Sehyoon's eyes on the river because that gave the best reflection for the colors, his favorite part, when it happened. The way they meshed between the waves, blue and red becoming purple as the water vibrated. He loved it.

The crowd chanted.

Fireworks dispersed.

Junhee held his hand.

Sehyoon didn't tense.

He held it back. 

**.  .  .**

Sehyoon had to go out himself and purchase a new suitcase because his mother had clothes for him in her closet that she almost forgot about mid packing.

His door creaks, he tries stomping the clothes into the suitcase. "Mom, it isn't working." She doesn’t answer. "Mom."

He turns and his entire body breaks down, he needed rewinding. His eyes fall dull and the only thing audible was his heart, pleading exit from his chest.

Whatever else he had to say died right in the middle of his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter was so short!! the next chapter will be worth it?! 
> 
> who y'all think at that door??
> 
> also youngho is just youngho with no one in particular but mid way i did realize that youngho is also johnny's (nct) name so if you take youngho for johnny i wouldn't mind, but please know i mean no harm when i refer to the abuse and stuff ok
> 
> please leave kudos and feedback if you can, thank you so much for the love i've been receiving already i really appreciate it guys


	9. fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey if any of the extreme kinda tags trigger you even the slightest please skip this chapter and i will sum everything up for you thank you

His mother stood behind him, forcing a smile on her tip toes because she was already half the size of Sehyoon.

"Your Youngho." And she shut the door, leaving her son and the devil together in one room.

"Your Youngho?" He leans against the door, Sehyoon backs away slowly to keep all the distance possible. "She doesn't know, does she?"

"I was going to tell her." Silence was so deafening he couldn't hear his own voice.

"No you weren't." Sehyoon really didn't want to argue. "You miss me, don't you?"

He didn't know if it was safe to shake his head, but he wasn't going to nod either. He knows Sehyoon better than anyone after himself. Did he? Because if he did, he wouldn't be stuck in the predicament he's been in for the past three months.

"Anyway,” he pushes himself from the door, touring the room he's been in a million times, stopping in front of Sehyoon, he couldn't look up, "I seen you wearing my sweatshirt the other day, I want it back."

He doesn't. He doesn't want it back. He could care less about the article of clothing, this was his initial way to torment him. But he'll give it back, it only would've collected dust in his closet anyway, Sehyoon wouldn't dare take it back to school with him.

He has to slide along the wall to get to his closet because Youngho was _too_  close, if they weren't in his room, weren't in his house, he probably would've done something only he liked.

He shakes it before turning to hand it over, though it was already dust free he needed to kill time. Youngho was already behind him, practically breathing down his neck and Sehyoon's head hit the railing of his closet. If he knew better, he'd shut the door and lock himself inside until Youngho decides he's actually lost his mind and leaves. But, he doesn't so he stands before him, nerves in his arm trying their best to sit still.

Youngho takes his hand before his arm can fully extend, the force between their chests being the only median. "I miss you."

Sehyoon couldn't decipher the tone he used, it was something new, but part of it did sound true.

"You miss me." Sehyoon refused to look up, zeroing in on the mole that sat on his collarbone.

He doesn't. Some parts of him did, but as a whole he didn't miss him. He used to, all the time, every second of the day, but time's done most of his job and it's difficult to resurface that feeling.

He shakes his head as softly as he can, but made sure the declining was seen, "I don't.” His voice was still low. "I can't miss you anymore."

He forces Sehyoon's head to an upward position. "Repeat it."

Sehyoon didn't try to free the grip, he learned that doesn't end well. "I said it's time that we both move on."

He held Sehyoon's jaw with one hand, "You're so innocent, you know that right? Look at your pretty face. Did you really think I believed my sister?"

His eyes were sharp, Sehyoon couldn't find elsewhere to look. "I know you would never do that to me, we both know what would happen if you really did. But you're so innocent, just look at you."

His lips come to a curve and panic settles in Sehyoon, this was about to happen in the bedroom of his childhood home. "You were a fucking mess that night, everyone deleted the video, they aren't worried about you anymore, but I keep it just to remember how much you needed me."

Serotonin. That's what he was, his serotonin.

"But I want you back now, I didn't mean to get rid of you, we just needed a break. You'll be mine again, right? I promise things will be just how they used to be."

His voice was so smooth, Sehyoon wanted to fall right back into his trap, but he couldn't let himself. If things will be just how they used to, then Byeongkwan would have to put his life on the line for him again. If things will be just how they used to, it'd be an unrequited, unhealthy relationship.

Because being _his_  is being his property. Being his is being on his leash, doing what he wants, and being what he needs. Being his isn't love.

Sehyoon catches the dilate of sincerity through his eyes, but he couldn't. He was far from sincerity.

"No.” And his jaw is squeezed tighter. "I will not be yours, I'm sorry." He pushes Youngho as hard as he can. "Leave."

Sehyoon holds his forearms up as a barrier while his structure still towered over him. "Sehyoon, you will be mine."

And that was a demand. No questions asked. Sehyoon will be his because he said so.

"I won't." If he knew better, he would've obliged himself back into his nightmare.

The vein in Youngho's neck was visible and his hand raised and before Sehyoon could wince it was already across his face, it didn't sting just then, but that meant it would double time later.

Sehyoon began pushing him towards the door, tears running down his face like the Niagara, Youngho let him until they reached the door when he applied force and then reminded Sehyoon who was dominant between the two.

"You're mine because I said you are." His hand wraps around Sehyoon's throat, he was pinned against the window. "Tell me you love me."

He was beginning to see white and if this worked the way Youngho wanted it to, he'd puncture his lungs, if he wasn't dead first. Exactly what Sehyoon wanted from the beginning. His door opens and the hand is dropped as he opened his mouth, not gasping for air, but to complete his command.

Eunsuh pushes past Youngho and leans against the windowsill while Sehyoon catches his breath. "Mom said you have to drop me off at Mina's before you leave."

"Okay." It comes out airy, he couldn't face her, she'd probably pull out the pocketknife she insists on carrying around at home for situations like such.

Eunsuh leaves without any suspicion and Sehyoon's legs almost give out on him when he turns around, but Youngho wasn't there and he sinks to the floor, keeping his cries into his knees low.

His mom wanted to kiss his cheeks before he left, but he checked the mirror after rolling his suitcases onto the porch and the handprint was more than visible on his face, it took up his entire left cheek and stopped right at his eyebrow. He took the last mask from the box under the sink and caught the bruises around his neck just before the light turned off, he found a scarf on the shelf of his closet. His mom settled on his forehead.

He made it to the dorm before Byeongkwan and laid face down on the couch in complete darkness, on his right side even though his neck ached no matter which way he turned.

He can't blame Eunsuh for coming when she did, she came at the right time, that was just the beginning, but it would've been prevented as a whole if his mother told her sooner. He isn't blaming her either. He only has himself to blame for being a liar. Youngho would've told him he got what he deserve had he finished.

He has so much time. Byeongkwan comes at the same time every year. He has so much time to do what he never finished. It would be so fucking embarrassing if he failed again. But this is it, this has to be the time. Timing is on his side, he can do all that he needs to do.

He leaves without a jacket. The mask was still on, but it was uncomfortable with the scarf, he left that too. He kept his car parked because it was too precious to be ruined and in this state, he shouldn't even touch the wheel.

He wanders the streets in hope of a truck taking him out but he only gets blinded by minis with their headlights because he was hard to spot through the rain that settled paired with the nighttime sky.

He wanted to breakdown, cry into someone's arms that wasn't his for being a liar. He's a liar, he set himself up, and he got what he deserved. Crying shouldn't be an option, but he needs it.

His phone vibrates and he jumps, an Audi swinging by him without a horn, he nearly dodged it, but makes it to the sidewalk.

 **bk** : _hey yeah why the fuck am i getting texts about my roommate roaming in the middle of the fucking street?_

 **ksy** : _i was trying to cross_

 **bk** : _well cross? what if someone hit you sehyoon?_

 **ksy** : _i wouldn't die or anything, probably go to the hospital with brain damage and some fractured ribs, and that isn't even the worst_

 **bk** : _get out of the damn street_

 **ksy** : _i'm on the sidewalk_

 **bk** : _what are you doing anyway? it's pouring down_

 **ksy** : _i'm not wearing a jacket_

 **bk** : _you're insane_

 **ksy** : _i want to kill myself_

 **bk** : _what_

He's leaning against the crosswalk pole when there's screeching and before he can identify the source he's sent face first into the shutter of the convenient store, his head colliding with the lock.

Everything went black initially, but after a minute he regained his vision and the hood of a Lexus was smoking. If this was really worth it, he'd stay because he knows what's next, but he found his phone by the wheel and barely made it across the street, failing to keep his balance from overexposure to smoke when the car caught fire. He backed away and his phone was ringing, the screen was completely shattered, he tried answering but glass caught his finger and the device hit concrete while he squinted at the cut.

He was lightheaded and his legs gave out on him, he sat facing the car when it exploded. After, he couldn't even hear himself think and his vision was clouded with grey.

Is this what he wanted? Did he deserve it?

Red and blue lights crowded the scene. A woman with a beige suit crouched to his level, she was speaking and he blinked frantically because he couldn't hear and panic was getting the best of him.

She helped him up, he managed to slide his phone into his back pocket while she walked him to an ambulance, sitting him on the ledge and pulling out first aid. His phone unlocked on its own when he carefully pulled it back out, too many messages to count from Byeongkwan.

 **bk** : _sehyoon_

 **bk** : _i'm almost there please just go home if you can_

 **bk** : _no just stay where you are. right where you are i'll be there in 30_

 **bk** : _are you okay?_

 **bk** : _sehyoon?_

 **bk** : _there's been an accident please tell me you're okay i'm worried_

 **bk** : _i don't know what i'll do without you please be okay_

 **bk** : _sehyoon please respond_

 **bk** : _hyung please_

He wanted to. He tried but his hands where shaking and his finger was still bleeding, the cut turned into a gash, the glass buried deep in his skin, the screen was still too dangerous to touch, he was going to need a new phone.

The woman dabbed at his forehead with alcohol pads, but shook her head in disappointment, he could hear faintly what she was saying. "It's too deep, you'll need stitches, are you legal?" He only stared at her. "Can you hear me?" The words took time to comprehend but he nodded twice when she repeated the question.

She pulled the mask from his face and his hands immediately went to stop her, she placed them in his lap and continued, shock wiped across her face when she seen his cheek.

"Have you been hit?"

With a car? Yes. By someone else? Maybe.

She examined the rest of his exposed skin, touching his bruises ever so lightly, he still winced. "Did someone hit you?"

He shook his head and she looked some more at his neck. “Are you sure? You can tell me, I'll help you." He nods and her face reads disbelief.

Policemen are being pushed out of their formations and safety tape is being destroyed by a small but obviously forceful figure that Sehyoon's eyes had to cross for him to recognize.

Byeongkwan sprinted to him, his eyes bloodshot, there was so much relief on his face. He hugged him until Sehyoon made a sound that signaled that he was in pain.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but I need you to leave." The woman closed the first aid and helped Sehyoon into the back of the ambulance.

"I'm his guardian.” For the time being? Yes. Legally? No. "Is he okay?"

She attached oxygen to his face. "He needs stitches on his forehead, there's some unrelated bruises on his neck and welts on his left cheek. He won't tell me what they are, but we're going to the hospital, you can follow if you want."

He nods. "I'll be there."

If Sehyoon ever met a nurse who didn't ask questions, he might just tell them everything they needed to know willingly, but until then, his lips are sealed.

He wasn't going to tell anyone, he'll blame everything on the accident that he actually realized while in the ambulance that he didn't want to happen. It didn't feel good and now he has whiplash. But everything was the accident's fault. Everything.

But of course, Byeongkwan will get to the bottom of it, he'll never stop.

"God, look at your beautiful face." He did everything for Sehyoon the instant they got home, including completely undressing him. He didn't mind anyway.

"Please just tell me what happened." He applied the ointment the nurse prescribed to his neck, his cheek was still too raw.

Byeongkwan knew those bruises too well, Sehyoon came home with them too many times to count, he was playing dumb. "A car smacked the shit out of me, what more should I say?"

"A car also choked you like that?" Sehyoon bit his bottom lip and Byeongkwan sighs. "What happened."

"My mom let him in." His tears spilled at the thought of. "I'm sorry, Byeong."

"Don't apologize." He held him under his blanket. “It's okay, I got you now."

"I could've died, he wouldn't let go." He choked on his words while Byeongkwan rubbed circles into his back.

"It won't happen again, I promise you that, okay?" Sehyoon didn't nod. "Want me to stay tonight?"

He sobbed uncontrollably, but held the rest in to answer. "Please."

"I will." He turns Sehyoon so that he’s facing his chest. "I'm not going anywhere."

He was on every social network that morning. The news covered him more than once. He was getting a spot in the paper for his survival, Sehyoon didn't think the accident was severe, but the footage says otherwise. It's a miracle he didn't sustain severe injuries.

There was nothing mentioned about the unrelated bruises and that he's thankful for.

He talked with his mother for almost two hours. She wanted him to come back home for good, but the ride from Gwangju to Seoul everyday wastes gas and she did genuinely trust Byeongkwan with Sehyoon's life. She was also getting him a new phone, his broke down the first time she tried to call. He had to use Byeongkwan's.

He worried how Junhee would worry, he couldn't check if there was anything from him and the only way he'd be able to ensure that he's okay, physically, is practice, but the nurse suggested he shouldn't attend along with class for at least a week because his head is still sensitive, Byeongkwan's calling Junho later.

This was his start to the New Year. Getting hit by a car might just be the highlight of his life. The driver was apparently intoxicated and his mother decided to press charges because Sehyoon could barely think for himself, it was definitely the highlight of his life. In a way.

He slept for most of the day after fighting with Byeongkwan, refusing to take the AT tablets he was prescribed. Byeongkwan had an evening class, he double checked that Sehyoon was asleep before, he wanted him just how he left him when he returned.

But Sehyoon rose at 7:48PM and wandered the dorm until he grew tired of his surroundings. He couldn't go outside, but he wanted to, just for fresh air. He took his keys with.

He could risk the ten minute drive to the stadium. Just to let Junhee know that he was okay, he can't remember the last time he worried so much for someone. Byeongkwan didn't have to know anything.

His head did begin to throb after he parked, he wasn't lightheaded because God forbid he passed out, but the migrane he had going on wasn't pretty.

He waits in his car until he spots Junhee struggling with the bag on his shoulder. He honks the horn and Junhee’s like a deer in headlights, which Sehyoon had to flash after he ignored and continued to his vehicle. Junhee points to himself and he flashes the headlights again, he looked around while walking to his car.

Sehyoon rolls down the window. "Hi."

Junhee's jaw slightly drops and he runs to the passengers side to get in and wrap his arms around Sehyoon's neck. His forearms on his bruises and he tries his hardest not to whimper.

"Are you okay?" He releases and his hand immediately goes for Sehyoon's, their fingers intertwine. "Fuck, I was so worried when I seen it was you."

Sehyoon smiles, not with teeth, but genuine enough. "I'm fine." He pretends there isn’t a bandage around his head.

"Should you be driving?" He takes in the car's interior. "Is this your car?"

He shakes his head then nods, they both laughed, neither loosening their grip. "Go home then. We can see each other soon, you obviously need rest."

He tries opening the door, his hand almost slipping from Sehyoon's, he catches it. "I've been sleeping all day, stay." He turns his body towards him, "Just for a little."

Junhee pauses before sighing with a smile, scooting back into the seat, his hand still not leaving Sehyoon's.

They only watch each other in silence until Junhee giggles and Sehyoon can’t help but follow suit. "Woah," Junhee squints when Sehyoon's head falls back, “what is that?"

He tilts Sehyoon's chin upwards and examines his bruises. "Are those bruises?" He forgot the scarf. Junhee tilts his own head to the side. "Your face." And the mask.

Sehyoon moves his hand and regains his posture forwards. "The car hit—"

"Sehyoon, I'm sorry, but that doesn't look like the works of a car." Junhee applies force to his fingers after Sehyoon refused to let his head tilt. "That's an imprint on your cheek."

Sehyoon can't leave to avoid confrontation, it's his car this time. He pushes Junhee's fingers away and his face twists when sharp pain shoots through his head, he was better off at home.

"Are you okay?" Junhee bends over to meet Sehyoon's lowered head, he nods and breathes slowly when it’s brought back up, Junhee looks forward and speaks slowly. "Kim Sehyoon," he pauses. "Did someone hit you?"

Yes. "No." He doesn’t want to lie, not to him. "My sister, we got in a fight."

"Her hand is huge," he forces a laugh that suddenly makes everything else uncomfortable. "What happened to your neck?"

"She gets violent." A huge lie because Eunsuh loves him more than anyone else, they have a solid relationship.

Junhee tries to believe him. "You should go home," He pulls his hand towards himself. "I'll see you soon, please get some more rest."

He smiles before leaving, turning back to wave before he gets in his car.

Sehyoon barely makes it home before Byeongkwan, he throws the blanket over him and stares at the ceiling when the front door unlocked, screwing his eyes shut when his bedroom door opened.

"Get up." He pulls the blanket from Sehyoon. "They said you shouldn't sleep too long."

Of course they did. "I got you soup," he sits the styrofoam bowl on his nightstand. "I passed a Bingsu shop, but the nurse said nothing cold."

"Who cares what she says?" He site up, pouting. "I could've snuck a little bit."

Byeongkwan's nose wrinkles. "You smell like outside."

He was in his car majority of the time that couldn't be possible. "Did you leave the window open?"

And just to his luck, it was cracked.

**.  .  .**

A week felt like a month, he sat in bed for seven days without a phone, not allowed to lay on the couch to watch television because the armrest wasn't good for his neck, seven days being nursed by Kim Byeongkwan, the strictest he's ever seen him. He had soup as every meal everyday.

He had to wear a headband when he finally returned to class because his stitches were still fresh, a mask because his face was in the bruising phase, purple was never his color, and foundation on his neck because it got too hot under the scarf sometimes.

Byeongkwan woke him earlier than usual because he _needed_  to follow all of the nurse's instructions before he could go back out, he took his temperature about a dozen times.

So he arrives to class early, way early because his professor wasn't there, but then again, he's late most of the time. His head snaps to the corner of the room when his peripheral caught a figure.

How ironic that the same boy who left him looking like this sits before him.

Youngho's head rises and they make eye contact, Sehyoon pivots and goes for the door, he heard the seat scratch the floor and his pace increases in speed. He skips down the stairs as fast as his feet could take him while being just as careful because he'd probably give himself brain damage if he fell.

He didn't look back for a while, but when he did Youngho wasn't behind him. He caught his breath with his hands on his knees, he'd just have to be late because there was no way he would go back there until the bell rings.

If he had a phone he'd call Byeongkwan so they could meet for breakfast because it's been a while since they've done so, but his mother said it should take ten to twelve business days in the mail, so he isn't expecting it for much longer.

He turns the corner that would've taken him to the main lobby if he hadn't collided with a building like structure.

He didn't drop anything, but when he looked up his feet took upon themselves and sent him backwards. He really wasn't up for playing this game of chase.

"No." Youngho walks towards him, his every step counting as double of Sehyoon's. "Please just talk to me."

"Talk to you?" Sehyoon didn't stop. "You want me to talk to you?"

Youngho was wearing _the_  sweatshirt, "Sehyoon, I'm terribly sorry." He stops, but Sehyoon continued to get the distance. “I seen the news that night and thought you were dead, I got so scared."

"You'd like me better if I were dead." And he's so bold for it to be just them in the area.

"Don't say that.” He holds the straps of his bookbag, just how he used to. "I don't know what's gotten into me. I never meant to hurt you, honest. You have to believe me."

That was him. An apology that seems all sincere until Sehyoon's under his spell again and he's back at the starting line.

"Why did I get what I deserved then? You need help, Youngho. Get some."

The hurt was evident on his face, but Sehyoon wasn't taking it back. "Sehyoon."

He started towards him again and Sehyoon moved backwards, tripping on a step, he fell right on his ass and Youngho rushed to help him, but his eyes shut and he flinched, when he opened them he was being stared at sideways.

"Why are you scared?"

Sehyoon dusted himself off when he stood. "Why am I scared?" He turned his back towards him, going for the nearest door. "You're a fucking monster, that's why."

Youngho caught him by his forearm, forcing Sehyoon to face him. “Don't call me that."

Sehyoon fought to wrangle from his grip, he was failing. "It's true." Youngho's hand was pale, Sehyoon felt his arm numbing.

His twisted his body every way he could, but his hand only tightened. Doors weren't closed this time, he could win. "Hel—"

Youngho throws his hand over his mouth, pushing him into the side of the stairwell. "Shut up."

He couldn't feel his arm. Youngho looked down at him with cold eyes.

"Kim Sehyoon?"

He won this.

Youngho gave his arm another squeeze, he almost fell to his knees. "Good seeing you, Sehyoon!" He even smiled before climbing the stairs.

Sehyoon fought the urge to hold his arm when Junhee approached him, he was focused on how he knew Junhee was bare under the semi-tight sweatshirt that he forgot that he was in pain for a second. He wasn't wearing skintight jeans, but they were ripped and his thighs were exposed, suede brogues were also apparently his style. He looked and was expensive with one of those bookbags that are only on sale once in a blue moon, it’d cost Sehyoon half a fortune to even be close to affording such.

"Is this how rich kids dress?"

Junhee smiles. "I'm not rich."

"Ah, sorry. Is this how kids with a shit ton of money dress?"

"You have class here?" He starts up the stairs with Sehyoon behind.

Sehyoon holds his arm until Junhee turns around. "Statistics."

"I'm down the hall from you, meet me when you're finished?" There was so much light in his eyes, Sehyoon felt like he was drowning.

Sehyoon nodded and Junhee's smile started to blind him, he was too pretty. "Wasn't that your ex?"

Sehyoon knew everyone knew about them, but to hear Junhee felt unreal. He's never once asked him about Youngho.

"Who?" He knew exactly who.

"Maybe it was someone else. You guys were really close."

"Oh, no it isn’t like that. We aren't dating or anything." The response came out immediately, he couldn't ruin this.

"I wasn't assuming." He was.

Sehyoon stops at the door, his professor was writing on the board when he glanced inside. "This is my class."

"Okay." But he didn't move, his tongue laid at the corner of his mouth, he blinked at Sehyoon.

"Okay." Sehyoon didn't leave, he bit the inside of his lip, soaking in the glory Junhee was.

Junhee finally reached for his hand because the suspense was killing them both and this was all that they had for now. "I'll see you after."

Sehyoon wasn't sure where to go afterwards, the halls crowded and he walked opposite of where he came from, frantic to find Junhee and get as far away as possible from Youngho because at this rate, he'd physically assault him in front of hundreds if it made him feel good.

He felt like he was being watched for the entire seventy five minutes that class took up, he probably was. He never looked back once though.

Junhee thankfully found him instead, grabbing his hand and leading him until they were outside. "Where were you going after this?"

"Home, not busy until practice."

"Meet me an hour before?"

He pulls his keys from the pocket of his bookbag. "Where?"

"Hmm," Junhee holds his hand to his chin. "I'll text you the address."

"Phone's broken."

"Right.” He pulls out a pen. "Give me your hand."

Sehyoon holds out his left hand because his right was throbbing, Junhee wrote as neatly as possible and recited the address to Sehyoon several times in case he couldn't read it.

Junhee grinned while unlocking his car. "Don't forget."

He couldn't even if his life depended on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this whole chapter in a day, but waited because i feel like i'm updating too fast idk..
> 
> please leave kudos and feedback if you can ❤


	10. into you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> major(?) UPDATE!! this is kinda like a summary of basic info because i read through this entire jumble of a story thus far because a lot of things didn't make sense?? either because i'm just flat out dumb or typos or things weren't updated correctly
> 
> so.. regarding everyone's ages, sehyoon and donghun are the same age, 22. junhee and bk are the same age, 21. and yuchan is 20. all of them are seniors in college except for yuchan, he doesn't attend their uni and is a junior ok alright.  
> yes they attend some fake ass school that i regret making up that is based in seoul
> 
> the first few chapters took place in 2019 omg the future and now it's 2020 because the olympics yeah you get it
> 
> PLEAASE if you have any questions don't hesitate to ask :(

It was a rooftop café in Samcheong. The sun was starting to set and Junhee found a table that gave them a decent view. He pulled the chair from in front next to him for Sehyoon and he almost didn't mind sitting in front of, but this was most comfortable.

Just as expected, his forearm was decorated with a dark red ring when he got to the dorm, he found a bandage wrap under their sink, but it wasn't doing much. He had to drive with one hand which his mom scolded him for many times before.

"Why are we here though?" Sehyoon bows at the waitress after being brought their orders.

Junhee brings his knees up to his chest. "I wanted to watch the sunset with you."

It might've been the stitches still healing, but something in Sehyoon tingled. He felt his heart skip in beats and caught his breath after a while. He can't remember the last time he watched the sunset with a friend. Because it's never happened.

"You remind me of a sunset, Kim Sehyoon." Junhee's hands sit in between his legs. “You have so many phases, and I don't even think I've seen them all."

"But my personal favorite is when you smile," Sehyoon watches Junhee’s hands tremble, his voice was stable though. "Your smile is the peak of the sunset. Smile more."

Sehyoon couldn't speak, because if he did he'd probably start crying, it's been so long since someone raved about him like this.

"And you'll probably hate me for this, but I'm so thankful for that night."

Sehyoon has to think about it and he couldn't regret that night any more, if he could time travel that'd be the first thing he'd erase, but a part of him is thankful, somehow. Junhee might've been one of the best things that ever happened to him, he'll have to take some time to think about that one.

"I don't hate you." He doesn’t, he almost did at some point, but whatever he felt for Junhee _now_ was the strong opposite of hate.

Junhee looks down when he smiled, he let the silence grow upon them. "How are you feeling?"

Like shit. "Better, I might lay low for a few, my head is spinning."

For various reasons that would take ages to list.

He's experiencing slight trauma that his nightmares are sure to make visible, he sleeps through most of them, but when he does wake up, they always continue once Byeongkwan cradles back to rest.

He's in pain, physically and mentally. Mentally more than physically, but the bandage around his forearm evened that out.

And then there's Junhee. Sehyoon can't find the words for him, he wish he knew how to feel. He wishes they could do more than hold hands. He wishes they could leave each other alone for awhile, maybe ever, because feelings are so hard and he doesn't want to be caught up again. No matter how good Junhee is, he can't get caught up.

"Are you in pain?" He finally turns to face him, uneasiness written across his own.

Yes. "Don't worry about it." He goes for Junhee's hand, his meets Sehyoon’s without hesitation. "I'll be okay."

"Why were you outside anyway? It was raining like hell."

He could tell him, sure Junhee already knows he's depressed, that's obvious, but Sehyoon couldn’t tell him that he's always suicidal, that night wasn't a one time thing.

He shakes his head. “Can't remember."

"Please don't tell me you have amnesia."

"Well, I know that you're Junhee, so that's all that matters, right?"

Junhee smiles and faces forwards, laying his head on Sehyoon's shoulder.

The sky was orange as the sun gave its final goodbye, submerging into clouds. "It's so pretty."

Sehyoon hums and Junhee rests his chin just below his neck. "You're pretty."

Sehyoon's head turns and they’re so close, too close. "Yeah?"

Junhee blinked slowly in response, returning to his previous position.

Sehyoon was trapped in a daze because if he were himself, his heart would've stopped and he would've froze until Junhee brought him back to reality.

"I meant them," Sehyoon blurts. "Those texts. I really like being with you."

He felt Junhee's cheek rise. "I know."

They sit like that until darkness settles in, Junhee pulls out his phone and laughs to himself. "Practice started half an hour ago."

Sehyoon jolts, his shoulder hitting violently against Junhee's chin, he holds it while frowning. "Why are you laughing? We have to go, come on."

He gathers his belongings, but Junhee pulls him down, he doesn’t sit though. "Forget practice."

"Forget practice? My life and all my money is on the line, I can't forget that!"

"Just tell him you needed another day." Junhee's feet reunites with the ground. "Stay with me."

"You can't miss practice." Junho’s probably losing his mind as they speak.

"You're right."

Sehyoon points the transmitter over the railing, unlocking his car. "So, let's go."

"No," Junhee stands. "I want to spend the rest of my day with you."

"You're out of your mind." Sehyoon had to laugh, but he loved it.

They walked the streets of Samcheong until every store closed and the owners of the rooftop café made them move their cars from in front of.

Junhee got him Bingsu though he still wasn't safe to eat it, he told him afterwards and Junhee made sure he was okay every other minute.

It wasn't a date. Sehyoon didn't think it was, but it did feel like it. Junhee was scared to ask if it was. It would've been less official if they hadn't held hands the entire time, Sehyoon only letting go when people recognized Junhee, they eyed Sehyoon like he was bait.

He was so ugly. He had to stay on Junhee's right side whenever they did hold hands because his was aching, but on his left are all the flaws. Bruises that the mask didn't cover were on display and the makeup on his neck was starting to rub off, but Junhee thought he was perfect. He was disgusting.

He sat in front of the mirror for half an hour when he got home, he couldn't see what Junhee saw. Or what Byeongkwan saw. Or what his mother saw. He looked distorted in every possible way, half his face was a completely different color from the rest of his skin, under the makeup he was far from pretty. He looked like a witch.

"What are you doing?" Byeongkwan rubbed at his eyes, voice groggy. "Were you crying?"

It was 1AM. "Go back to bed."

"It's hard to sleep when a light is shining into my room because someone didn't close the door." He turns Sehyoon's head. "It's so bad, look at you."

"Way to make me feel better."

"You're still pretty," he was lying. "What is that?" His eyes went to his arm bandage, he hadn't taken it off. It would've been worse if he did.

He tried pushing Byeongkwan from the bathroom with his left. “It's nothing."

"It's obviously something," Sehyoon couldn't fight back when he lifted the arm up, "How did this happen?" He knew exactly how.

"I'm really tired." He tried moving, but Byeongkwan held him in place.

"Sehyoon, how the fuck did this happen?" He shook his arm and Sehyoon cringed. "How did it happen?"

"I don't know, Byeongkwan."

"You don't know?" His eyes widened and Sehyoon stepped back. "Are you not going to know when he fucking kills you?! Are you not going to know when he's beating you to death and I'm not there to do anything about it?"

He drops Sehyoon's arm and let himself sink along the wall to meet the floor. "What am I going to do when my best friend is fucking dead because of someone I could never tell anyone about—because _you_  didn't want me to?"

His head fell into his hands. "What is your mother going to do when she has to send off her only son? What is she going to do, Sehyoon?" His cries were muffled into his shirt.

Sehyoon let him cry, no energy to comfort him. "This is my worst fear. That I lose you—to him."

"You're not, I won't let him."

"How? You'll fight back? You'll let me tell someone? I'm respecting your word and keeping my mouth shut, but this hurts me, Sehyoon. Nothing pains me more than seeing you like this. I hate seeing you like this.”

“I'm so tired of you being hurt. I want you happy. I want you so happy. I want you to be the happiest person alive, but how can that happen when you're just letting this happen? Why do you keep defending him? Do you still love him?"

Sehyoon sits on the closed toilet seat with his hands clasped between his legs. "No."

"Then why do you keep defending him?"

"Because I can't let him go.” Byeongkwan looks up and his face reads nothing but disappointment. “I don't love him, not anymore, but this is someone I spent so long of my life with, I'm trying, I really am, but I can't let him go."

Byeongkwan shakes his head. "Then don't let him go. Don't let him go and see where that gets you."

"I said I'm trying, Byeongkwan." His voice was coated with desperation.

"Well, try harder. And I'm not asking you, I'm telling you." He stood and used his sleeve to wipe his face. "Clean yourself up, I'm tired."

His bedroom door didn't slam, he actually left it cracked because it didn't close fully when he tried to. Sehyoon closed it on the way to his room.

**.  .  .**

Junhee paced the bleachers while Sehyoon finished with the last of the equipment. He practiced this all day, with the help of Donghun because he has no idea how to properly ask someone out.

All they've been able to do since the year began was hold hands and Junhee doesn't know what it means, Sehyoon probably doesn't feel the same and that's okay, it's not, but he's willing to live with the defeat as long as there's closure to his feelings.

Because he's never felt this way for someone before. He isn't sure if he likes it, but it's new and confusing and he wants nothing more than Sehyoon and him only, but if he can't have him, he'll be fine, only means that feelings aren't for him, he'll find a way to repress them.

"Ready?" Sehyoon calls from the track, he’s wiping sweat from his forehead while squinting.

Junhee's legs shake when he comes to a stop. "Oh? Now?"

"Yeah now, you fuckass. When else? I'm tired and hungry, hurry up."

He takes in his surroundings and when Sehyoon claps, he jumps and rushes down the bleachers.

Donghun insisted that he takes his _Mystery Boy_ , because Junhee's yet to give him any identification, to and from practice because if this works the way he wanted to, they'd make out in his back seat for an hour before he took him home and it'd be a bummer if Sehyoon took his car and he let _that_  up. Donghun's words.

"We should get ice cream." There was a gap between Sehyoon and Junhee. “Can we stop at Baskin Robbins? I'm free to eat cold foods again, please?"

"Whatever you want." Junhee's voice was soft, he cleared his throat and had to wipe his hands down before grabbing the wheel because they were damp with sweat.

His mind was swimming in a pool of fear, the only thing he could think about was his reaction when Sehyoon rejects him because he doesn't feel the same and it caused him to run two red lights and a school of honking horns when he forgot to press on the gas at a green.

He's only doing this for closure, not really. But false to Donghun's word, he doesn't know if the feelings are mutual because Sehyoon hasn't done anything about this either, so maybe it is for closure because he really has no idea what the fuck to do in an actual relationship.

"What do you want?" Sehyoon has to snap three times for Junhee to avert his eyes from the floor, he shakes his head and Sehyoon has to watch him with an open mouth before shrugging and paying.

"Hey." Junhee holds his head against the wheel at a red light and Sehyoon faces him, spoon in his mouth. "Hm?"

"So," the words drag through his throat, crawling to make their way out, "can I tell you something?"

"Anything." Sehyoon licks the spoon and throws it into the plastic bag, giving him his undivided attention.

Sehyoon taps him when the light is green and again to regain his attention because he forgot to speak for a while. "I'm listening."

"Yeah." They were in front of Sehyoon's residence hall. "Do you want to come to this party?"

Sehyoon stares at him, puzzled. "That's not what you wanted to say."

"You're right, but my roommate's birthday is Saturday and his parents are leaving town, so he's having a party. Big house. Lots of people. But, tons of space."

Sehyoon denies through gesture. "I'm not a people person, say what you wanted to say initially."

"Later, but just do it for me. I don't know anyone in our class, they're all attending."

Their class. Everyone. Youngho.

Junhee reads him with ease. "But what are the chances of seeing anyone you know?"

"I don't know anyone."

"Even better. Just come, I've been there a million times, his parents even gave me one of the spare rooms, we can stay in there all night if you want."

"Why can't you just hang with me?" He looks around. "Elsewhere."

"Donghun's my best friend, I'm not allowed to miss that."

"Donghun?" Sehyoon knows Donghun, he knows _of_ Donghun, they've never spoke, but he's sure Donghun knows of him as well. Everyone knows Donghun. "Not a chance I'm coming."

"Not for a little bit?" Junhee pouts. "We can stay for an hour then I'll tell him I'm not feeling well and we'll leave. Sounds good?"

So much can happen in a minute, but an hour? Too much.

Junhee watches him with the eyes of a whimpering puppy. “Only for an hour."

Junhee grins as wide as his lips would take him and grabs Sehyoon's hands, throwing them every which way. He hisses from the pain to his right and snatched it back, but Junhee didn't seem to notice, or mind if he did because he continued celebrating.

"Don't worry about wasting gas, I'm picking you up."

Sehyoon gathers his belongings and forces a smile before leaving the car. What the fuck was he getting himself into.

**.  .  .**

"I don't want you bringing anyone home, keep everything in your pants."

Byeongkwan applies makeup to Sehyoon's cheek and then to the rest of his face because it didn't look right on one side. He even dressed him because all of his long sleeves were _dingy_  and if he wanted to take a jacket off, his arms had to be covered. His neck was fine, but Byeongkwan insisted on foundation because he had to match. He still wore a headband that made his temples feel like they couldn't breathe, but it was either that or ugly scarring from stitches.

"You're giving up a party for the library?" Byeongkwan was invited, of course he was, everyone loves him.

"I'm failing the class."

"Understandable."

He brushed him off, holding his shoulders. “Be careful, Sehyoon. I'm serious. Promise me you'll be careful."

Sehyoon nods and Byeongkwan only stares, waiting for an actual answer, "I promise."

Byeongkwan watches him with worried eyes. "Maybe I should go."

"You're failing the class, Byeongkwan." He grabs the jacket he's still forced to wear. “I gotta go."

"If you need me, call me.” Byeongkwan follows him to the door. "Please be safe, Sehyoon. I love you."

Sehyoon pivots midway to the elevator. "You sound like my mom."

Byeongkwan didn't leave the hall until the elevator doors were completely shut.

Junhee only glances when Sehyoon gets in the car, pressing on the gas without hesitation. "We're already late."

The house _was_ big. Not mansion big, but up there. There was a pool the size of his entire dorm that was already infested with his peers. It's February, not July.

Junhee gave Sehyoon no recognition after they parked, only grabbing his hand, at a practical jog up the driveway, forcing Sehyoon take double steps.

It wasn't pretty inside. Of course there was a marble staircase that spun for decades, you couldn't miss it, a lounging area that smelled of burnt wood and vanilla behind the alcohol stench, and the foyer with its that tiles probably took hours to perfect, but the house wasn't as welcoming as Sehyoon knew it once was.

Warm bodies touch up against each other despite all the space that Junhee raved about, everyone was sticky and intoxicated, Sehyoon already couldn't take this next hour.

He stepped on a beer can, then a closed bag of chips that only he heard pop while Junhee pushed through the crowd, dragging him towards what looked like a bar under all the expensive decorations and spilled wine.

Junhee kept Sehyoon behind him, hand still in hand, when they came to a stop. "We ran into traffic." They didn't.

Donghun lays his glass beside the coaster obviously sat down for him, he smooths his suit out. "We?"

He brings Sehyoon to general view, "Sehyoon, this is Donghun, Donghun—Sehyoon."

Sehyoon waves and Donghun almost laughs before covering his mouth and shaking Sehyoon's hand. "We'll talk later." He raises an eyebrow at Junhee.

Sehyoon bites the inside of his cheek. “We'll be in my room, leave us be."

"For the love of God, don't do anything I would, that's a long list."

Junhee's eyes are sinister before he salutes. "You have my word."

Donghun's eyes are fixed on Sehyoon like he’s in the middle of a puzzle and there was a piece that wouldn't fit anywhere. Sehyoon’s that piece. He had to tug at Junhee's arm more than once while he greeted others for them to leave the bar.

Everyone on the staircase was either passed or blissed out, there was a couple with their tongues down to each other's intestines that Sehyoon tripped other, they weren't stopping any time soon.

The room that Junhee claimed to be his was three times bigger than Sehyoon's, at home and in his dorm. There was a fireplace and a window the length of his bed. It was empty just as expected and when the light turned on, there were photos of him and Donghun everywhere that he couldn't help but ogle at.

"You had lilac hair?" He held a frame of them together at the beach.

Junhee sat on the bed, taking in Sehyoon's figure. "Yeah and what the fuck?" Sehyoon turns around and Junhee swore his pupils dilated. "Wow, you look—fuck."

"I look fuck?"

"I should take you to parties more often. God, you look so good."

Sehyoon's cheeks went hot and his ears reddened, he turned back towards the dresser, distracting himself with anything in arm's length.

He could feel Junhee burning holes into his back. "Could you please stop staring?"

"I'm sorry." Junhee sits on his hands, if they were free he doesn't know what he'll do. "Do you want anything?"

"I don't drink much."

"You don't have to drink, I'll get you something from the fridge because I'm sure you don't want anything people's hands have been all over."

He went for the door handle and Sehyoon slams the jar he was about to open. "You're leaving me in here alone?"

"Are you scared? Just lock the door, I'll knock you so know it's me."

He's scared out of his fucking mind.

"Okay?" He asked for both reassurance and if Sehyoon understood.

Sehyoon nodded. "Hurry up."

"I'll be back before you can count to 231."

"Why that number?"

Junhee clicks the lock before leaving. "I'm original. Count."

He goes through his phone while counting, contemplating if he should call Byeongkwan because they've only been here for 10 minutes and he feels like he's already been through a whole night. But they'll escape this in a few and have each other until they're pried from each other's fingertips.

He's at 178 when there's knocks at the door and he rushes to open it because he can't stand the feeling of being alone in this huge house, but he's backed into the bed and his eyes leave his phone and he almost trips, but regains his balance.

"Sehyoonie." Youngho slams the door and of course no one hears, nor would they care if they did. "I'll make this quick, don't you worry." He's drunk, Sehyoon's been through this more than once.

Sehyoon has to pinch himself to make sure he isn't dreaming, but he isn't and this is real, he'll never escape this man for as long as he lives. For as long as he continues to defend him, like Byeongkwan said.

He takes Sehyoon by his hair that took Byeongkwan an hour to perfect and pulls it back until he hears a round of cracks and clinks teeth with him. He slides his cold hand up Sehyoon’s shirt, tickling him but Sehyoon feels like crying, he squeezes his side. 

He tastes like booze and cigarettes and Sehyoon starts to whine then does cry when Youngho guts him because he hates nothing more than this, he can now praise Byeongkwan for buying and using waterproof foundation.

But this is Youngho’s favorite. Sehyoon under his grip, a begging mess if he’s lucky, but this is nothing compared to former moments, he’s done much more damage, both men know that.

He's still counting though, at 206, and manages to slip from Youngho's grasp, if he's lucky, he'll meet Junhee on the staircase.

And he does, he's managing to carry a glass bowl of grapes, cookies, two beers, a full bottle of wine that Sehyoon's assuming he'll drink alone, and two glasses all with his small hands.

"Why did you leave? And your hair." He doesn't hand Sehyoon anything.

"It got stuffy, and my hair?"

"In there? Impossible, I'll turn the fan on and don't worry about it, you look fine."

Sehyoon did whatever he could in the mirror at the top of the stairs before trailing to catch up to Junhee.

"Did you drink something? It smells like—booze." He sat everything on the bed.

Sehyoon checks under the king size, then the closet, and anywhere else in the room that held open space, but he was nowhere to be found. "I told you I don't drink."

"What are you doing?" Sehyoon ignores and sat opposite of Junhee, "I got you a beer anyway, this wine was for me, but we can share, you need to loosen up."

"You weren't drinking that entire bottle."

"Oh, but I was. I've done it before, can do it again."

Sehyoon did end up taking the beer, then someone of the wine, it was expensive, too expensive, light on his tongue but the taste was worth it.

"Kim Sehyoon." Junhee rubbed around over his own face before laying on his own stomach, groaning.

"Mm." He was against the bed frame, almost asleep.

Junhee's cheek is pressed against the comforter. "What are we?"

Sehyoon turns his head toward Junhee, they aren't looking at each other. "Whatever you want us to be."

"I don't know what I want us to be."

"That's okay."

There was a comfortable pause. "I want you."

Sehyoon bit his bottom lip. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"But I do." He almost whines.

"You're fucking wasted, Junhee. I'm telling you, you don't."

"Are you rejecting me?"

Sehyoon sighs. "I'm not doing anything, but we can talk about this later."

"I want to talk about this now."

He stands, searching for his jacket. "Then we won't talk about it at all.” He plants himself in a desk chair while putting his shoes on. "Get up. I'm taking you home."

Junhee doesn’t argue, clawing at his eyes and blinking a few times before finding his belongings.

The party was still alive when Sehyoon led Junhee to his car, patting down his body for the keys, and strapping both their seatbelts tight because he wasn't completely set to put his hands on a wheel, but Junhee couldn't even stand for half a minute without taking himself out.

Junhee's GPS gave an address for _home_ and Sehyoon follows, Junhee probably wouldn't remember had he asked.

"How are you getting home?" Junhee was on his side, Sehyoon could barely hear him.

He was calling Byeongkwan, of course he was. “Don't worry about it."

"But I want to worry about it." He sits up and Sehyoon jerks the car so he would lay back down. "Why can't I worry about it? Why are you being like this?"

"Junhee, please just—shut up."

He pouts. "Mean, you're so mean."

"Is this it?" He stops in front of the condos that privileged university kids could afford. You weren't allowed to rent them out unless you had ensured transportation to school, it was a half an hour drive to and from, but with traffic, there was always an additional 15. But the ride was worth it, the insides were really nice.

Junhee sat up, peering through the window. "Yeah. Park anywhere, I don't care."

He called Byeongkwan while finding an open space and assisted Junhee until they reached the elevator, he helped him inside, but stepped back before it closed.

Junhee attacked a button and the doors retracted. "Aren't you coming?"

"I can wait for Byeongkwan down here."

Junhee stepped on the border, his body was swaying. "You can't, they'll end up kicking you out."

"Then I'll wait outside."

"No, you won't.” He pulls Sehyoon inside, losing his balance and using him to break his fall, leaning into his side afterwards. "I won't even bother you. Come, I'm tired of waiting."

The elevator door shuts and they’re sent upwards, Junhee hums while hugging Sehyoon's arm, leading once they’re on the fifth floor.

The inside was definitely nice. All walls were a clean white and there were wooden planks that tapped with every footstep. Junhee crawled onto a bar stool and laid his head on the island that led to the kitchen, patting the seat beside him.

He groaned for majority of what would've been silence, sighing through his nostrils and fought sleep to adore Sehyoon's every detail.

"Stop staring." Sehyoon doesn’t look from his phone, but Junhee's eyes were hard to miss from his peripheral.

But he couldn't help it. Sehyoon looked better now that his mascara started to make his eyes look baggy and his hair was a complete mess, but it laid perfectly. His eyes were red the entire night, mostly from the weed smoke that somehow escaped into Junhee's room, but he was tired now and his blinks were slow and Junhee would tell him to stay over, he'd tuck him in and kiss his forehead because he knows he wants nothing more than to sleep right now, but boundaries. He's already crossed enough.

He faces the other direction.

Sehyoon clears his throat. "Let's talk about it later."

Junhee whirs. “Whatever you want."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave kudos and feedback if you can thank you so much for reading.


	11. love belt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

Donghun arrived almost immediately after Sehyoon left and there's a chance that they might've crossed paths, Junhee's going with the latter, that they didn't.

He just got up and walked out. Not a bye, his phone dinged and he hopped from the stool and before Junhee could open his eyes, the door shut and when he did, Donghun was in front of him.

"You could've told me you were leaving.” He dropped his belongings on the counter and rummaged through the kitchen drawer, sliding Junhee pain killers then a glass of water. "I understand you were excited to finally get some—"

"Stop right there." Junhee rests his elbow on the marble platform, holding his hand upwards.

Donghun inhales in preparation to speak a few times, but held it, he didn't do so until he came from the bathroom.

"Is it really him?"

Junhee was still practically passed out, head against the island, arms dangling. "Is who really what?"

"Your—the mystery boy.” Donghun leaned against the sofa. "Is it him?"

Junhee sighs and his head felt like it was taking a tour on a carousel. "He has a name."

"I just," he sits with an open mouth, staring at Junhee for a second, "are you serious about him?"

Junhee finally rises. "He's not a bad person. I'm serious about him, more serious than I've ever been in my life."

Donghun didn't try to hide the disappointment written across his face. "I support you, always. But I just don't want you hurt, Junhee."

"I just said he wasn't a bad person," he comes to a stand, nearly losing his balance. "You think he did it?"

"And you think he didn't?"

Of course, Donghun would be disappointed. He only wants the best for Junhee, he always does, but this is the best for him. And if Sehyoon isn't, then there's little to nothing that is.

Because right now, he's the best.

"I know he didn't. I'm telling you, Hun, he's a good guy."

"And he told you this right? He told you he didn't fuck his boyfriend over?"

Junhee's never brought the subject to hand, he hasn't even thought about it. A few times, but he usually forces the thought elsewhere because he likes to think that Sehyoon didn't do it because if he did, Junhee doesn't know what he'd do with himself.

"Exactly.” Donghun approaches him, hand on his shoulder. "If this is who you want, I can't change that."

Junhee pushes past him, legs like jelly and feet crossing as he makes it to his room. He doesn’t bother undressing himself. It kept him up for the remainder of the night into early morning and even then when he tried resting, his thoughts resurfaced.

Donghun was awake as well. Junhee heard the television, he was watching one of their favorite movies and wanted to join to clear his mind, but half of him wanted nothing to do with the elder, Junhee didn't think he fed into the bullshit everyone enforced on Sehyoon at the time, but he was proved that he didn't know his best friend how he thought he did.

The other half would have emptied on his floor if he even tried getting out of bed.

It was going on 5AM when he dragged his phone from his back pocket and halfway through when he decided to do something other than stare at the screen.

 **jh** : _kim sehyoon_

No chance he was awake. But he'd wait to talk to him, to speak his mind and potentially ruin their friendship. He'd wait as long as time gave him to do that.

 **ksy** : _you do know it's just sehyoon_

Then Junhee remembers the time on the charter, coming from the meet. If Junhee enjoyed track as much as Sehyoon, which was the bare minimum, he would've knocked out the minute they were all united on the bus. Forced to watch and time sweaty boys burn fat all day can't be the best job.

But he was awake when Junhee thought of some excuse that he was using the bathroom if anyone tested his luck and was awake, and he talked to him until he fell asleep.

And the infamous drunk texts. He was awake then, Junhee isn't sure if it was more so by choice then, but he was awake, in the early morning, talking to Junhee until they both fell asleep.

 **jh** : _question_

 **ksy** : _first, are you sober_

 **jh** : _getting there, good enough tho_

 **ksy** : _hmm.._

 **ksy** : _proceed, with caution_

 **jh** : _do you ever sleep?_

 **ksy** : _on occasions_

 **jh** : _i was just thinking because well every time i text you, which hasn't been much, but every time you're always awake_

 **jh** : _no matter what._

 **jh** : _i'm starting to think you're immortal, do you get tired?_

 **ksy** : _for starters, i have insomnia_

And that explains more than enough.

Junhee's come to normalize the constant bags that drag at his eyes, he yawns more than what should be average, but he comes back everyday still the same. Sometimes, when he's staring long enough, he catches how rapid Sehyoon twitches, Junhee doesn't think he realizes, it isn't all that obvious, but it's there.

 **ksy** : _and of course i get tired, i'm 100% human_

 **ksy** : _it's alright though_

 **jh** : _that's not alright, kim sehyoon_

 **ksy** : _sehyoon_

 **jh** : _have you told someone? do your parents know?_

 **ksy** : _of course they know_

 **ksy** : _i mean it like comes with the depression, kinda like a buy one get one free_

 **ksy** : _except i didnt buy anything.._

 **ksy** : _but i used to be able to keep it under control_

 **jh** : _but.._

 **ksy** : buut..  _my boyfriend broke up with me and my nights got worse_

 **ksy** : _theres no one to hold me and be my comfort that puts me to sleep now lol_

_**ksy** : that sounds pathetic omg_

**ksy** : _i have_ _byeongkwan sometimes but i think he gets tired of me_

 **ksy** : _im probably saying too much_

 **jh** : _they were already bad?_

 **ksy** : _what was?_

 **jh** : _you said your nights got worse_

 **ksy** : _fuck i'm really saying too much_

 **ksy** : _it's nothing,_ _promise._ _don't worry about it_

 **ksy** : _why are you up? let me ask the questions for once_

Junhee knew he couldn't pull the rest from Sehyoon, but he wanted to. He knows there's so much he doesn't know about him that he's aching to find out.

He isn't saying too much, but not enough. Junhee could and would listen to him ramble all day if it meant he'd be able to know everything about him.

 **jh** : _oh the lovely feeling of nausea_

 **ksy** : _no one told you to chug that beer_

 **jh** : _but i've also been doing some thinking, some deep thinking_

 **jh** : _don't think my brain's ever kept me up like this before_

 **ksy** : _i'm intrigued_

 **jh** : _i really don't want you to hate me if i ask this.._

 **ksy** : _never could i ever hate you, the park junhee_

 **jh** : _never refer to me as such ever again_

 **jh** : _but um_

He might hate him. Because it'd be way out of pocket for Junhee to mention. It's not like he cares anyway, a part of him does want to know, a chunk to be more specific, but he's doing it to serve the purpose of proving Donghun wrong. Because Sehyoon really isn't the bad guy everyone deemed him to be. That's what he's hoping.

Junhee can't help but tell himself that he will look at Sehyoon differently if Donghun turns out correct, like he always is. Because he does have the best outlook on things for Junhee, he's never wrong. Junhee doesn't want to think of Sehyoon as a cheater, or a liar, or whatever he is, he just wants to see him as Sehyoon.

Sehyoon, the boy with a cold exterior which he tries to cover up his warm heart with. Sehyoon, the boy with a smile that actually outshines the sun, a crooked smile that doesn't take someone looking at him sideways to see because he's perfect with the angle he's at. Sehyoon, the boy who insists on wearing shorts, denim specifically, during winter because he swears he has killer thighs that are underappreciated and what better weather to show them off in?

Sehyoon, the boy that has Junhee walking around with a halo floating above.

Sehyoon, the boy that has Junhee completely head over heels.

He knows that now. Sometimes he still does want to kiss him because he's really pretty no matter how things are looking for him, but majority of it he wants to be the pillar of Sehyoon's happiness. He wants to hold him close and promise him that things will get better when everything's south.

And now he wants to be the one who doesn't keep him up all night. He wants him to sleep, sleep for as long as his body let's hm, and he'll do whatever it takes to achieve that.

 **ksy** : _i'm assuming you fell asleep_

 **ksy** : _or threw up_

 **ksy** : _either works for me_

 **jh** : _nope i'm still right here.. still thinking_

 **jh** : _and i think i'll ask you later because now i actually have to vomit, i can feel it_

 **ksy** : _yeah you take care of that, i'll talk to you later_

The drowsiness he's ceased to feel has finally become relevant after hugging the toilet seat, Donghun ran into him, neither of them turning on the hallway light, he silently smoothed out his back while he dry heaved, no words exchanged while Junhee brushed his teeth and returned to his room.

He wished on whatever star was shining brightest through the early morning sky that Sehyoon got the rest he deserved.

 **jh** : _you better have the best dreams ever or i'll beat sleep's ass_

 **ksy** : _kinda scared for sleep now because what if i don't_

 **jh** : _you ruined the message, it was supposed to be cute :(_

 **ksy** : _cute that you tried to be cute_

 **jh** : _you just called me cute.._

 **ksy** : _did not, go to sleep_

 **jh** :  _you first_

 **ksy** : _fine. i will._

 **jh** : _goodnight kim sehyoon_

 **jh** : _sehyoon sorry_

 **ksy** : _..._

 **jh** : _kim sehyoon is cute btw_

 **jh** : _i mean your name not you_

 **jh** : _no you're cute you're really cute but your name is uh.. ok goodnight_

Sehyoon's cheeks ache from the smile, ear to ear, he's been holding for an uncountable period of time. He let it drop as his mind journeyed on its wonders.

He does like Junhee. Sehyoon thinks he could actually make something work with this boy for a few, but it's the constant fear eating at him. The fear that he'll end up like everyone else.

Sehyoon hasn't been in many relationships, they were all solid, but ended before he could get seriously attached. But then there was Youngho. He taught Sehyoon what love was. He made him feel dearest inside, in every way possible.

But now? Sehyoon's scarred. He flinches at the slightest voice raise, jumps at sudden noises, his trust issues have skyrocketed over the years.

He didn't have friends during his time with Youngho, he _was_  Sehyoon's friend. His words. Byeongkwan initially had a hate relationship with Youngho when he tried to make Sehyoon switch roommates because they got along too well. Every friend Sehyoon did have though, he was forced to cut the line between. His _friends_  were Youngho's, the jocks even though neither played sports, they never paid Sehyoon any mind.

Sehyoon sat and watched from a distance whenever they attended parties because Youngho didn't want him getting out of hand. That happened once and Sehyoon went home with a bruise on his leg, he was limping for a month.

It actually wasn't love. At the time, Sehyoon just thought he was being overprotective which does go a long way, but from the way Byeongkwan begged for Sehyoon to get rid of him, he can realize now that Youngho was only embedded onto his nametag.

And he doesn't want Junhee to be like his past. Not like Youngho. He's too good to him, but that's what Sehyoon thought about the rest of them.

He creeps through Byeongkwan's room until he finds an open space on his bed, sliding perfectly under his blanket.

Byeongkwan rolls on his side, facing Sehyoon, he threw his limbs over him, "Can't sleep?" His voice was low and groggy.

"When can I ever?" Sehyoon lays on his back, afraid to put pressure on his right arm if he met Byeongkwan on his side.

"What's wrong?"

He thought about letting Byeongkwan sleep, leaving him alone because he's tired of being a nuisance, but who else can take this weight off his chest?

He inhaled. "I'm scared—to fall in love again."

"What?" Byeongkwan sat up, wrapping himself in the comforter, leaving Sehyoon nearly exposed.

"I think I like him, Byeong." He almost hesitates. “No, I know I like him. But, I'm scared."

"Junhee?" Morning was rising and the sunrise reflected on Byeongkwan's skin, he face read confliction. "Or is there someone else I don't know about."

"Me? Falling in love with some stranger you don't even know about? Am I really your best friend?"

"Wait, you're falling in love?"

Sehyoon's eyes pace the room for a second. "No. Yes, I don't know."

"Sehyoon, falling in love and having a crush or whatever you call these things now are completely different, you know that right?"

Of course he does, _did. “_ Yeah, I think."

"You can't just _think_  these things, does he like you? Do you know?"

A whole fucking lot. "He asked me out?"

His tone raised decibels. "And that's a question? Sehyoon for fucks sake what the hell has happened to you?"

"I don't know he just—he told me he wanted me.” Byeongkwan's eyes needed reassurance, "Not like that. But I just don't want to hurt him, Byeong."

"I get it." Byeongkwan preps his elbows on his knees, he was about to give a lecture, Sehyoon's familiar with the posture.

"But if you try, I don't think you'll be able to." He clears his throat and licks his lips. "You have a good heart, Sehyoon, I don't think you realize that. But then you let people take advantage of you because of your heart, and think you and I both know that."

Byeongkwan searches on the bed until his hands find Sehyoon's, he takes one into both. “You're too busy loving these people who don't care about you that when everything's over in the end, you put your walls back up in preparation to restart this endless cycle. I think you've rebuilt them to the best of your ability, which is far from perfect."

He's right.

"You're still hurt, Sehyoon. I'm not telling you to suck it up, but don't let it be like this forever. Tear those walls down, just one more time. Let him rebuild them."

He could do this. He could do this and be his happiest self ever, whoever that is. Or he could do this and dig his hole of misery and regret just a little deeper.

"Your way with words scare me."

**.  .  .**

Sehyoon's in the convenient store after practice picking up Byeongkwan's wishes as they roll in via text message and conversing with Mrs. Son between her ringing up costumers.

"You don't come much anymore, Sehyoon-ah." Mrs. Son rings up his items as he lays them on the counter.

"I've been laying low, but I'll definitely be sure to start making my weekly rounds again."

She smiled. "Still dating that pretty boy of yours?"

She probably knows, no doubt her granddaughter, just like everyone else, ran her mouth.

Sooyoung, sharing the same grade as Sehyoon along with the school, who's been on the friendly side with him up until months back, now she avoids him at all costs and plugs her ears with music whenever he's there while she's covering the store for Mrs. Son whenever she has appointments.

But what good is it to the woman if he lied?

"No, actually." He takes in the shock wiped across her face. "We broke up a few months ago."

She slides the plastic bag towards Sehyoon while handing him his card. "Isn't that too bad? You guys were so in love, my heart swooned whenever you came inside with him."

Thanks a million for the memory.

He smiled and made sure to bow and ushered an "I will," when she requested for him to tell Byeongkwan she said hello, chances are he'll end up forgetting.

His phone dings a few times on his way back home and the probability that it's Byeongkwan panicking because he forgot to tell Sehyoon to get Coke is high.

Sehyoon made sure to grab two to save him the complaints and grant him more praise, but it wasn't Byeongkwan.

 **jh** : _meet me on the track in an hour_

 **jh** : _please?_

 **jh** : _:)_

Sehyoon's hesitant with texting and driving because he'd rather not get in his first actual collision accident, him being thrown into a metal shutter was enough, but he made it work without jerking the car once.

 **ksy** : _y?_

 **jh** : _i hate elaborating just do it_

 **ksy** : _but it's movie night and i already brought snacks :(_

 **ksy** : _byeongkwan will not be happy about this_

 **jh** : _send byeongkwan my deepest condolences but i'd really like to see you_

 **ksy** : _..don't waste my time junhee_

 **jh** : _indeed i will try not to!!!_

A pang of nervousness strains throughout Sehyoon because they haven't spoken in weeks, not even through text. And it's not like they aren't on good terms, but Junhee finally convinced Junho to get him a professional trainer for the Olympics and it's been consuming all of his time, and Sehyoon's finally back to his roots. Byeongkwan promised him a shitload of things Sehyoon knows he won't get if he came to the dance studio once, just for some warm ups. Once turned into a week's worth of him in front of the mirror after or before practice, granted if he had classes or not. And he definitely missed what he loved doing most.

There's not really much time for each other. They manage to smile during practice and the class that they actually have together, speaks for the night Sehyoon cried in Junhee's front seat after being completely ruined by his peers. But that's all that they really have for the time being, smiles.

Sehyoon bears through Byeongkwan's whining while he examines himself in the mirror. His face is clear again, aside from the scar the stitches left, he got them removed a week ago, but scars _are_ a lifetime kind of blemish and the headband sometimes makes his head hurt, so he'll learn to be one with another one of his many flaws.

"I'll try to be back before the movie starts, still don't wait for me." Sehyoon fluffs his hair a few times, letting Byeongkwan fix a strand that's been bothering him.

"It's alright.” He breathes out a sigh. “We always have next week."

Sehyoon barely catches his pout. "Don't with that face, I can't take it."

Byeongkwan follows Sehyoon to the front door, helping pull his jacket over his shoulders. "You remember what I said, right?"

"You've said a lot of things, I feel manufactured trying to remember them all, but yes, I do."

Byeongkwan lays a hand atop Sehyoon's head. "Keep it in mind."

Sehyoon brings his phone upwards for a time check. "Is there something you know that I don't?"

"You know just as much as me, probably more." Byeongkwan throws himself onto the sofa. "I'm just reinforcing my advice."

He shares a long, hard stare with the younger before breaking and using the staircase on his way to the lobby because an hour was almost up and Sehyoon's sure Junhee is already there, waiting for him.

Sehyoon checks twice when locking the gate behind him, it was wide open when he arrived because Junhee's apparently careless of who enters during private hours and Sehyoon would rather not have them both in trouble, again.

Junhee's finishing a lap and doesn't notice Sehyoon standing on the football field until he's throwing his hands in the air. He slows, hands on his head as he approaches him. He isn't wearing the exact same attire from practice, just the same light jacket that was previously wrapped around his waist now zipped over his chest, he stuffs his hands in the pockets, a smile creeping upon his lips.

"Why are you smiling?" Sehyoon can't help but reflect the expression, failing to bury his face in the collar of his own jacket.

"Because," he nudges Sehyoon and the smile only grows, "I don't know."

Of course he does. Because Sehyoon is so breathtaking and he hasn't seen his face up close in what's felt like ages, it feels refreshing to be this close to him, all the energy drained from him suddenly recharged one blink in Sehyoon's direction. Why wouldn't he know?

"You didn't bring me here to time because I've finally upgraded stopwatches, have you? Because if so, I'll be very disappointed."

"Though that's an amazing unofficial proffer, I just wanted to talk to you."

"And you couldn't do it somewhere that didn't leave me feeling miserable the second the gates creek open?"

Junhee led as they walked the track. "Those gates do need some oil."

"Some?"

They both laugh, fingers not intertwined with one another's, but with the fabric their pockets provided, being the only warmth contrasted from the air the final weeks of winter brought.

They don’t do much talking while circling the track, mostly Junhee humming to prevent whatever awkward tension was felt between the two. It wasn't much, nonetheless Sehyoon was content.

Junhee follows suit as Sehyoon sits on the football field from his legs being at an excruciating burn, extending into a stretch that Sehyoon can't help but laugh at.

He blinks. “Must you be athletic at every moment of everyday?

"This isn't even athletic." Junhee tilts his head to meet Sehyoon. “Have you never once stretched in your life? You're always so tense, it makes sense now."

"As a dancer, stretching is the key to _my_ success, you think I'd be able to walk that track the way I did if I didn't?"

"You what?" Junhee paused, lips parting. "You dance?"

Sehyoon's words finally catch up to him. "Oh, I did say that."

"Uh, yeah?" Junhee's eyes fail to leave Sehyoon. "Did you ever plan to tell me about this? Did you just start or something?"

Sehyoon rubs at his knees. "I've been dancing for my entire life, practically."

"And you weren't going to say anything?"

"What's it to you if you know?" His eyes journey anywhere else but to the boy in front of him. "I took a break anyway, I'm rusty right now."

"What's it to me?" Junhee leans forward, "Sehyoon, you don't tell me anything, this is everything to me."

A bite of guilt lurches through him. "Okay, ask me anything. I'll tell you an honest, genuine answer."

Junhee holds his pinky out and Sehyoon hesitates before laughing and completing the cross.

Junhee extends his arms for Sehyoon's hands absentmindedly after the promise, Sehyoon didn't mind. “What's your favorite color?"

"Really?"

He nodded, earnest. "Really."

"Okay, black."

Junhee raised an eyebrow.  "You're boring."

"And you're typical."

"Ouch." He pulls away to squeeze at his jacket, their hands like magnets afterwards. A comfortable silence arises and he watches Sehyoon stare at the astroturf below them. "Why'd you reject me a few weeks ago?"

Sehyoon's throat falls dry, he sustains a round of coughs ahead of his answer. "I didn't reject you, Junhee."

"So?" His voice lingers.

"So," Sehyoon swings their hands, "I said we'll talk about it later."

"And it's been later. Sehyoon, I don't think you understand."

"No, I don't think _you_  understand," his hands gravitate to his side as he stands. "Junhee, I don't think I'm ready for this. It's not that I don't like you, it's just—I can't."

He’s still seated, but his blinks were rapid and his legs bounced. "Can't what? How am I supposed to understand and swallow this concept if you aren't telling me what I need to know?"

Sehyoon crouches, his back towards Junhee. “I don't want you to be the one who ends up like me, hurt."

"And you think it'll come to that?"

"I don't know." He holds his face together. "But I didn't know either when my ex broke up with me, and the one before that."

Junhee rises, hands in his pocket, afraid to approach him. “Sehyoon, you have to believe me when I say I want this to work."

Sehyoon's voice cracks. "And what tells you I don't?" 

"I don't know.” Junhee paces. "Everything?"

"It's not like that, Junhee—"

"Really? Because I can't help but feel like it."

He exhales, wearily. "Four months ago, I got out of the worst relationship of my life.” He let’s his knees give out, planting him on his bottom. "I can't go into detail, I won't and I'm sorry, but that was an extremely tough time for me, so I'm sorry if I'm still iffy and things don't seem right with me, that was five years of my life, down the drain."

There was hesitated duration of silence. "But then I met you," he forces a laugh. "And God, I'm still so sorry you had to see me like that, that night. I just hope you can understand that nothing was easy for me at the time. But I met you and you were so nice, and you just—showed that you cared and I wasn't used to that. And I'm honestly really thankful you appeared that night, but I can't fight the feeling of regret, you have your own problems and worries and I didn't want to add to that list, but I did. So, I'm also sorry that I couldn't show how I really felt.” His throat grew heavy. "Sorry."

"You have to stop apologizing." Junhee wants to cradle him into his side, but if he did, he wouldn't be able to speak his mind how he wanted, and he felt this was the only time appropriate to do so.

"I swear to you that everything's okay." Junhee blinks slowly and held his breath until his lungs were solid tight. "Sehyoon, you don't know how glad I am that you became a worry, my worry. If you died that night," his eyes were at a sting, "if I let you die that night, I don't think I would've been able to live with myself. Because look what we have, I have you. And you have me. All of me."

"I want to make you happy, see you smile because that's my most favorite thing right now, you don't know how much I love it when you smile. I want to hold your hands without thinking _this could be the last time I do this_  because I never knew how you felt, I want to be by your side no matter what, and I'll help you get through anything—and everything, I promise that."

Sehyoon's cheeks come to a slight rise. "You're already doing that."

"No, I'm not.” He stares at his backside. "Because I still see sadness in you. When you smile, I can't help but feel guilty for taking in your glory because you're sad, and it's visible. I understand you're still hurt, and some wounds just never heal, but I'm willing to do whatever I can, for you."

Sehyoon only releases a faltering sigh in response. Because this was what he was exactly afraid of, the fear that he couldn't seem to dig up, until now. His fear of trust.

The fear that he'd put all his trust into his one boy and with the blink of an eye, it could all plummet in his face. And he's head to head with his past. Again. His endless cycle. That's his fear.

"Stand up and look at me, I'm tired of watching your back."

Junhee sways his body from one side to the other, his knee at a light shake from the anxiety, Donghun should be kissing his feet right now.

Anxious ousted by fear when Sehyoon dried half his face, he wore a broken smile. "God, why are you crying?"

His cheeks cup in Junhee’s hands, allowing the stray tears to soak the creases of his hands. He was still pretty, Junhee still thought he was breathtaking. Stadium lights granting him the perfect amount of luminescence, his eyes sheened.

"I don't think anyone's told me that, ever." The more he blinked, his eyes continued to flood, Junhee could only do so much with his thumbs.

"Well, that's because no one will _ever_ come close to being Park Junhee."

Sehyoon shooed him away, breathing out a laugh, a smile disclosing, "You're so cocky."

Junhee waits until Sehyoon composes himself to take his hand and hold his cheek with the other. "There's that smile."

They bask in each other's beauty until the stadium's sprinklers wash over. Junhee recalls running around this time more than once and usually the sprinklers is more so a refresher while he's pushing himself harder than he should, but now it's making it hard to see because both their dark locks cover their faces, drastically.

They run in opposite directions until the shower ends and their figures are identified on each side of the field. Neither in a rush to reunite, Junhee raking his hair backwards and could never look better, Sehyoon attempting the same despite fighting with fly aways, a precise replica of a mess.

It was below freezing and they were personified wet dogs, with both boys sick and out of practice, Junho would cause havoc on the entire team. Their sides attracting during the walk to the parking lot, Junhee snaking his arm around Sehyoon's side.

"Kiss me, Junhee."

They’re one foot out of the stadium, Junhee's keys in hand hit gravel, he steps in retrograde, his head meeting a metal bar that joined in holding up the gate, he held the aching. "What?"

"I'm taking that as a no.” Sehyoon playfully pivots, Junhee in preparation to go after.

"No!" His hand crawl down Sehyoon's arm, their fingers lingering. "Are you serious?"

"Aren't I always?"

Junhee's eyes widened slightly, his fingers tapped Sehyoon's, they tangle without thought. They were initially more than close, breath hovering over one another. Junhee could no longer step forward, his free hand raised to Sehyoon's nape.

The kiss was warm, perfectly timed, but mostly warm. It made the sparks in Junhee's soles kindle, he sighed into him, his shoulders drooping. Sehyoon didn't know what to expect, but Junhee was sweet, like spring, but tasted like everything good during summer. Their teeth clinking as it progressed, Sehyoon's tongue requesting access to the other that hid behind Junhee's lips, his soft, smooth skin, breath hitching once finally entwined. Their bodies like velcro, Junhee could feel the waistband of Sehyoon's sweatpants.

Sehyoon smiled and his eyes avert downwards when he concludes the intimacy. It was ideal, albeit Junhee was the faintest of sloppy, but it was perfect.

They could go for it again, still closer than ever.

"I want this." Junhee bounce their clasped hands against his thigh. "As long as you do."

Sehyoon prohibits his mind from swimming. "Yeah," but that wasn’t a proper answer, “I want this.” 

Junhee fought his smile. He parted ways with Sehyoon and nearly yelled into his palms, but didn't. When he turned back, Sehyoon was staring, giddy as ever. "Really?"

"Really."

He felt like he could faint. Like the lightest cloud on planet earth. He could die from a full heart. "I don't want you to feel forced or anything. I mean, I can wait, I'll wait for as long as you want me to. Until you're ready—"

"Now, now's the time, Junhee. I'm ready right now."

"Oh my God.” This was real. They were real, but he couldn't feel it. “Are you—"

Sehyoon's grin widened. "Yes, I'm serious."

He could scream when he got home, he's partially safe there. "Sweet." His hands were digging holes in the pockets of his jacket, he bit hard on his bottom lip.

Junhee's car wasn't hard to miss when Sehyoon first arrived, he was sure to park beside it. "You okay?" He held the handle to the front door.

"I'm fine," Junhee's voice was close to a crack, Sehyoon watched him until he started his vehicle.

Junhee could only ogle at his steering wheel for so long, he had to drive now, he could soak it in later.

It was real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was the longest i've ever written wow
> 
> this story ain't even halfway over guys.. ok maybe half but theres things.. some things :))


	12. like you

So, he's in it again.

And he didn't force himself. He didn't strain a laugh after sealing the deal, or bite his nails when the other wasn't looking because he's noticed the habits over the years.

He did it because he wanted to. He told Junhee he wanted _this_ because he wanted to.

Because he really likes Junhee, and his presence, and everything else in the package.

But now, it takes a toll on the digestion of it because it's real, but he poured his heart out and his brain is now apractical pulp, so he's finding it rather on the difficult side to swallow that this whole thing, is real.

He isn't sure if he's walking correctly to the elevator, or to his door, he can't really hear or remember if he's knocked either, but when Byeongkwan looks him from bottom to top before letting him inside, not sparing him a word while scratching at his scalp and laying himself on the couch, there's a slight reoccurrence of him raising his fist to the structure.

"You missed the entire movie, and half of the second one."

Sehyoon could feel the disappointment in his voice. "Let's watch three more as my apology."

Byeongkwan held his hand to Sehyoon's chest as he lifted the blanket and sat a leg on the couch, "Pajamas." He pointed down the hall, "And that's if I don't fall asleep."

"It's alright if you do.” His voice projects down the hall. "Take it as payback."

Byeongkwan grins when Sehyoon returns with the pajama set Eunsuh gave him, he tore the blanket from himself and adjusted, allowing Sehyoon to locate beside him.

It was always just a little unsettling when they spooned without reason, the only times being when Sehyoon cried all night and even though he has mere inches on Byeongkwan, his frame never failed to grant the best comfort. But when it was because Byeongkwan craved the skinship he failed to receive from anyone else, or during occasions like movie night, it took a minute or two to get comfortable to the lack of space.

Katniss Everdeen is aiming her arrow at President Snow when Sehyoon breaks their silence. "Byeong."

"Hmm?" He was obviously sleeping.

"I know you guide me through all of my relationships, but when will you get one yourself? I mean, you got the face, the personality, the material, I'm sure there's someone at school who wants you."

He yawns through his answer. "I don't have the time."

"Your schedule gets clearer as the weeks go by."

"To be honest," he clears his throat thenpreps himself on his elbow, "I'm picky. I talk to people, and on occasions we may or may not hook up, but it never lasts. They just—aren't for me."

He can't argue against that. "Understandable."

"Why'd you ask?"

"No reason."

"You aren't planning to serenade me or anything, are you?"

Sehyoon snorts. "God, no."

"Bummer," he yawns again. "I'd take up someone like you, but you're one of a kind."

Sehyoon only smiles because he knows Byeongkwan's serious. He recalls their first week of dorming together, Byeongkwan would eye him like he was dessert at some five star restaurant, and the pain in them when Sehyoon told him he had a boyfriend. But it was the start of a beautiful friendship that both are forever grateful for.

"Byeong," he breathes nervously after conceding the second round of silence.

"Yeah?"

"I think I have a boyfriend."

He's sent flying towards the coffee table, flipping the near empty bowl of popcorn and knocking down a bottle of Coke, he's thanking anything up above that's watching that the top was screwed on.

"You what?" And suddenly he's awake, eyes reddening and his cheeks are starting to swell, but body wise is the complete opposite. "You think?"

Sehyoon let's his jaw hang during an abrupt procrastination episode, he's considering pulling the just kidding card, but Byeongkwan's too far in and awake to do so. "I do. Um, yeah."

"Oh my God," he slides from the couch and holds Sehyoon's face. "Anyone but him, please tell me it isn't him."

"You know,” Sehyoon's eyes are traveling around the room. "The boy—runs track, school loves him—"

Byeongkwan's expression fades, but picks back up when his brain does the same. "You asked him out?"

"As if I could _ever_ find the bravery."

"And you said yes?"

"We also kissed."

Byeongkwan's shaking his frame and it's probably the lack of iron he's been consuming lately, but Sehyoon's sure the room's starting to spin and his head feels lighter than ever.

"Do you know what you're doing, Sehyoon?"

Most likely not. "Somewhat."

Byeongkwan still has his cheeks rounded in his palms. "He isn't someone who you can just experiment on to see if you're really over him, he's a real person who has the entire school as his backup if anything ever goes awry in his life."

"Yeah, so I've been trying to process for the past few hours."

"If you fuck this up, that's it."

He frowns. "And who says I'll fuck it up?"

"I'm just saying, but if anything happens, you know you'll be the first _everyone_ blames."

And there's butterflies. Everywhere, not just his stomach. Just for a moment while he thinks though. What if he doesn't want this? He does, he knows for sure, but what if he just wakes up one morning and doesn't? What if Junhee decides it's good if they don't hide anything and they go public? Not that they aren’t, everyone’s over Sehyoon, for the most part, they see him with Junhee around and no one complains, maybe it’s because it’s Junhee he’s with, he never thought about it that way before. But then, what if Sehyoon doesn't want it anymore? They're broken up and half the country blesses Junhee with his victim card.

But, nothing is telling Sehyoon that he won't want to be with Junhee. Nothing ever told him that about the others. It's always them, never Sehyoon. So, what if Junhee, one day, doesn't want what they have? Ten times out of ten, he's still granted his victim card.

And that's the inelegance when it comes to Sehyoon. He'll never win. No matter what. Not if someone he knew years ago committed a crime and is doing jail time, everyone will find a way to link Sehyoon and rebloom his poor reputation.

Byeongkwan lays a hand across his shoulder. "But I will _always_ have your back."

Sehyoon eyed him, dull, until Byeongkwan yawned, patting the open space beside him and holding Sehyoon until both men fall asleep.

 **.  .  .**  

Sehyoon swore he heard the alarm erupt, but it was somewhere between the sleep deprivation and Byeongkwan using him as a stuffed animal that made him ignore.

It wasn't until sunlight pierced through his cracked eye that he fought with his best friend's deadweight to peal his body from his own and retrieve his phone from under his thigh.

He wasn't all that late, but it already done enough damage from the wave of texts from Junhee.

 **jh** :  _uh.. where are you_

 **jh** :  _coach is harassing everyone_

 **jh** :  _i hope you aren’t still sleeping_

Pair that with four missed calls and Sehyoon's got himself in a bowl of debt, Junho should sue him now and get it over with, he can't bare the position of team manager much longer.

He rushed to the bathroom and could've made it in the Guinness Book of World Records for fastest morning routine, he left the dorm with a comb still caught in his locks and a half dampened pantleg, he had to air dry and that was time consuming enough.

He ran three red lights and prayed through each that if CCTVs were ever checked, they spared Sehyoon his life and let him go because right now, this was his life and he was skating on thin ice.

Barely making it while the first charter backed out of the parking lot, he chased after and thankfully, it stopped for him. He toppled over those three steps and no one greeted him with cold stares, most now didn't pay him mind, a simple glance his direction and back to their regular scheduled programs.

He stumbled through the spacious aisle that went on for what could've been a mile in search of the boy he could actually, ludicrous and all, call his now.

Junhee wasn't seated in the middle behind the kid that now has red hair and fist pumps Sehyoon whenever he sees him because he doesn't care what anyone thinks apparently, he finds Sehyoon amusing, whatever that means.

His items occupy the last two rows which were obviously still vacant for Sehyoon had Junhee not been present. It's not that no one wants Sehyoon near them despite the air clearing up around his name, they could care less, it's more like someone only sits there if they appreciate an air conditioner icing their body to a cube and it just became likely that they'd leave it there for Sehyoon the first time he ever rode with them.

Sehyoon doesn't mind. The cold isn't his absolute favorite, but it's better than sitting uncomfortable in your own skin under a heater by a longshot so he couldn't complain even if he wanted to.

Junhee stands, allowing Sehyoon to take the window seat because he's caught the amount of times he's stargazed just with his bare eyesight in his car at night and basked in the glory of sunshine, that makes Junhee want to drink his entirety in because his skin is at a caramel glow, during the day.

"Almost thought you weren't coming." His arms go straight for the bag under the chair when they're both seated, reaching over to hand him a fresh, unopened pack of Pocky.

Sehyoon looks from the box to Junhee then back to his hand, hesitantly accepting his offer. "And what's this for?"

Junhee shrugs. "I seen an empty box nearly falling from your bookbag meeting you after class once, you're always in a rush, I don't think I've seen you once with it completely zippered."

Of course, he forgets to zip his bag. It never occurs to him that his items could potentially be falling from his person mid getting as far away as possible from Youngho, typical.

Junhee couldn't know that though.

"Well," the corner of his lips are pulled between his teeth, “thanks."

It was still taking its time to digest. The whole relationship thing. He’s in it, but still, he's floating on a cloud that doesn't plan on breaking, not just yet.

He doesn't know if it's a bad thing. That he can't actually swallow the entire fact of him being in a relationship, with someone like this, but then he's reminded _again_ of his past. Of the boys who only liked him for the exterior, it was never love, and this isn't love with Junhee, not yet he's hoping, but something about Junhee is different.

Different in a good way. Like he actually does want Sehyoon. And not in a completely fucked out on his bed kind of way, but the way where Sehyoon can sense the candor in his eyes, and his tone, and the overall essence of body language.

It makes him feel weird. Not normal, he should say. Because this isn't normal for him, he thought he had this—the feeling of actually being acknowledged and treasured—before, with the person he thought he'd spend the rest of his life with, the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And boy, was he wrong.

But still, the digestion.

Junhee is staring at him intently, he still hasn't figured out that puzzle piece, "God, what do you think about?"

His thoughts conclude and he swallows. "You'd really like to know?"

Junhee nods with the utmost amount of eagerness. "Really."

There's a small smile embarking upon his lips. "You." And that, for once, was true.

Because most of the time, he truly was.

Junhee coughs and he's reaching for that bag again, revealing a water bottle this time that he plunges down his throat, breathing heavy, when the bag has returned to its spot under the seat.

"What?" His eyebrows are furrowed and lips parted, eyes at a slight widen.

"That was too cliché, wasn't it?"

"No," Junhee waves his hand. "No, that's not it. I just—nevermind."

"Speak now or forever hold your peace," Sehyoon had no idea where the sudden bravery came from.

Junhee almost whispers. "Are you serious?"

And that's when Sehyoon's mouth goes dry and his throat stings while he swallows his cough, he didn't have time to bring water with.

"Do you ever get nervous?"

Junhee blinks. "What?"

"Before meets." Sehyoon taps on the emergency exit latch, praying that Junhee goes with the topic change. "You know, when all those cameras are on you? Do you get nervous?"

And he does. "Of course, I do. I mean, it's not really out of the fear that so many eyes are watching me, but more of the fact that so many are depending on me." He sighs, "It's overwhelming."

"And how do you deal?"

"I just run, I have no option." The subject is sensitive, Sehyoon picks up on that by that way Junhee's shaking his leg and blinking at a rapid rate. “But that's really all I have, I think that's all I'll ever have."

Sehyoon frowned. "Well now, you have me."

Too cliché, Sehyoon.

"I mean, you've always had me, but now, you know, we're um," he pauses hoping Junhee will pick up for him, but he only watches him fumble over words with doe eyes. "Wow, this is harder than I thought."

"What is?"

He palms his forehead, "I'm sorry, I just—"

"Sehyoon, you didn't have to say yes to me if you weren't ready, you know that, right?"

Sehyoon looks up then his eyebrows are gone inwards. "What? Where is this coming from, that's not what I was saying."

"I know," he doesn't know and he's internally cursing himself for just, being him. "It's been bothering me all night and I just don't want you to feel forced, like we don't have to do this now if you don't want to. I'll wait."

Sehyoon is staring at him sideways. "Exactly what the fuck are you talking about?"

Junhee faces forward, bringing his arms upward so that they're covering majority of his face. "Forget it."

Sehyoon grabs his left. " _No_ ,” the word lingers, almost coming out as a hum. “You can talk, I'm listening."

"I don't want to."

"Now you're being a child."

He turns his head. "I'm younger, anyway."

Sehyoon exhales and bites down on his bottom lip. "Just tell me what's been on your mind?"

“I did.”

”And that was all?”

Junhee shrugs. “Yeah.”

”Alright.”

There’s a pause and Junhee almost rolls his eyes, not at Sehyoon, but himself, he sits up. "I'm new to this."

"Elaborate."

"This whole relationship stuff."

"Okay."

"Sehyoon, you're my first boyfriend."

He laughs. "Okay."

"Okay?"

Sehyoon leans forward, then back into the seat, "You can go on now."

Junhee's producing a look he's only just been introduced to because he didn't expect this reaction. He did plan on telling him this today, just about now, so everything's going as according, but the reaction Sehyoon gave wasn't what he prepped for.

He thought he'd have to explain himself and his story of life up until now, because it's a whirlwind, but Sehyoon left it at a two syllable word. And now, he's on to the backup plan he never made to begin with.

Sehyoon eyes are on him with patience. "I think I'm nervous?" He blurts and Sehyoon goes from reserved to alert, he scans Junhee for a few seconds and settles on his hands, nodding as his words spill. "There's nothing to be nervous about, I promise."

"But there is.” Junhee leans into the aisle and suddenly he's anxious because his mates could be listening, not that Sehyoon cares, he really is carefree, but Junhee does. Those are people who he'd rather not cause incidents with in the locker room.

But majority of the bus is quiet, muffled music from headphones or deep snoring, still Junhee doesn't feel at ease.

"Later?" He's back into the seat. "When there aren't nosy ears everywhere?"

"Of course." Sehyoon smiles and smooths circles onto Junhee's hand, sighing when he leans into his body, head on his shoulder, he continues to do so until Junhee's chest is rising and falls slowly in a steady pattern.

Digestion.

 **.  .  .**  

They're outside this time since the season's officially began and Sehyoon _thought_ inside was where it could get the loudest, today proved him wrong.

He really has to think if the people here are truly invested in the sport itself or the adult, in-shape, men in skin tight shirts and shorts that look like they've been through several wash and dry cycles, but not stretched out, they fit perfectly on all of them. Including Junhee.

And the boy from Yonsei that Sehyoon recognizes, his name is Ko Hojung, according to the jumbotron, and there's definitely more people here for him than the last meet, he's a crowd favorite.

His hair is pulled back and he's smiling and waving, he has a seriously toned body and Sehyoon almost feel conscious about himself, but he isn't that far behind.

The whistles and cheers continue until the screen's focus is transferred from Hojung to Junhee, he's holding his bottom lip with his thumb and index finger, his posture isn't presentable for a stadium that's currently holding more heads than Sehyoon can ever count, and his eyebrows are slightly knitted, he's watching Hojung, in front of, with dull eyes. When he notices the camera and the overall increase in excitement, his eyes illuminate and he's Park Junhee, everyone's happy go lucky trackstar, again.

Sehyoon didn't have the chance to watch Hojung before, but there's double the space now so cameras are everywhere, he'd probably bump right into one if he turned around from the divider he's leaning on, and he's a personified bullet train.

There's times when he passes Junhee and you can practically taste the satisfaction drip from his face, but when Junhee catches up and they're neck and neck, he's coated with grit and persistence.

Of course, Sehyoon can't forget to get a take on who he's even here for. He looks exhausted to say the least, but he's pushing. His lips are tight in a thin line and he still does that mannerism which his opposite body sides match with one another, he's determined, but tired.

When the cameras decide not to take in all of the runners' features and details, there's a broadcast of the entire track and Hojung is beginning to build a gap between him and Junhee. Sehyoon can hear Junho, furious, under everyone's merged voices. Sehyoon's eyes never leave the jumbotron though, Junhee is almost slowing, like he knows he's lost, but his legs don't stop, they have control over him, not vice versa, and he's slowly, but surely decreasing the space between.

Junhee barely exceeds Hojung when he crosses the finishing line, securing another win. He dives straight into the tar of the track and gives the cameras hovering over a thumbs up, his chest ascending and going slump in hasty motions. Sehyoon doesn't forget to click the stopwatch and when he checks, he fears to show Junho later on, nonetheless he pulls the clipboard from the bag on his side and transfers the information.

Junhee drags himself over to Junho with his head dipping, not low, but almost there, he closes his eyes when Junho yells. His hands are clasped over his head and he only nods when Junho finishes, not sparing interviewers an answer to their questions before he disappears into the building.

Sehyoon does his best to duck and hide behind whoever's passing by while collecting his school's belongings, but Junho spots and grabs his shoulder, face a settling red. "Where's the clipboard?"

He doesn't mention Sehyoon being excessively late this morning and something tells him he forgot, but if he hasn't, he's too stuck up his own ass to point it out.

His voice is at a growl. "He's so useless."

Sehyoon barely catches the clipboard when it's thrown back to him. "You shouldn't say that."

Junho cocks his head. "And why shouldn't I?"

"Because," Sehyoon stuffs the clipboard into whatever compartment is open inside the bag, "I think you and I, and this entire arena knows that he's the complete opposite."

"And who the hell are you to tell me?"

"No one," Sehyoon straightens his back out, a chill runs through him when he looks Junho in the eye. "But, he's been carrying your team on his back for four entire years, and you know that. For you to even think of him as useless is a bit—farfetched, don't you think?"

Junho has a glare in his eye and Sehyoon actually thinks for a second that he might strangle him, he continues. "Cut him some slack, give him a break once in a while. He's tired."

He continues gathering the banner, then water cooler, and Junho is scowling his way the entire time until he's dragging the cooler towards the charters with a duffel bag dragging his weight down.

Sehyoon has to wait for everyone to finish conversing with Junhee to get to the back, he doesn't excuse himself or actually anything at all, just stands by the driver until they're all done giving their congrats.

Junhee's face isn't completely placid when Sehyoon finally gets ahold of it up close, not via zoomed in camera, he can discern the disappointment and slight regret.

"You didn't do as bad as you think." He has to slide in between the seats in front of and Junhee because he doesn't stand to give him his seat, Sehyoon didn't plan on asking either.

"You say that out of pity.” His voice is just as bleak as his face. "I'm not stupid."

"But I'm serious."

He only raises his eyebrows in response and Sehyoon let's the conversation go because Junhee knows more than him when it comes to such. He'd rather not argue because his words are true, but he understands fully how he feels, so he complies when Junhee lifts the armrest between them, pushing himself into Sehyoon's side, he wraps his arm over the younger boy as he sinks deeper into his body.

Junhee's asleep within minutes of their departure and Sehyoon can't help but admire him, though night has began to settle and it's harder to see, instead of the stars and his friend, the moon, because rather than the sound of the wheels rolling against pavement, he's finding peace within Junhee's deep breathing.

It almost puts Sehyoon to sleep, except he thinks about kissing him for a second and can only stare until he decides that would be a hassle to explain if Junhee wakes up.

Sehyoon did fall asleep, but the remainder of the ride wasn’t enough for him to settle his mind and body, so it was really just a blink, then they arrived.

Junhee followed and helped if it looked like Sehyoon needed it while unloading buses and cleaning up equipment. He was tired, mentally more than physically, it was obvious, but Sehyoon accepted the help as it was needed, he couldn’t make Junhee leave even if he wanted to.

“You should wait outside,” Sehyoon’s voice strained as he applied force to the cooler. “I’ll be done soon.”

Junhee leaned against the rack of hurdles. “I’m okay.” He jumped when one, then two, fell off.

“I know you’re tired,” he rehung the structures. “Did you get enough rest last night?”

Junhee yawned. “For the most part, but that’s not much of a factor.”

“Then what?” Sehyoon inherited the reflex.

“I don’t know.” His face was blanching. “It’s just been on my mind.”

“Are you going to tell me or do I have to dig this out of you word by word?”

And they both knew they were utterly drained and in no mood for the latter.

“I don’t,” his sigh was shaky. “I don’t know a thing about relationships and it’s been eating me up. I thought about it last night and it bothered me, but then before I ran it just—it was on my mind and I tried to ignore, but I couldn’t—I can’t.”

“Junhee.” Sehyoon approaches him, but nothing more, afraid he’d worry the boy even more. “We’ve been dating for a day, barely.”

“I know, but I keep thinking what am I going to do a week from now? Or two weeks? Or months?” He continued to ramble, “I just don’t want you to lose interest in me—in this, because I really do like you, but I’m kind of clueless about this.”

He forces a laugh and Sehyoon couldn’t help but feel guilty, for what? He can’t quite recognize yet, but Junhee’s looking like a toddler being scolded and he’s practically gnawing at his bottom lip, so that could play a part in it.

Sehyoon reaches for his hands, holding them both to Junhee’s side. “But I don’t think you realize that you’ve just mastered the first key to any relationship. Communication, you telling me how you feel and what’s on your mind is all I ask for, lucky you?”

Junhee stares at his and Sehyoon’s bottom halves while smiling, faint and softly. “Everything’s okay. Some people have insane standards, you wouldn’t want me up your ass every fortnight begging to take me to dinner, and shopping, and anything else expensive.”

“That actually doesn’t sound bad.”

“Please.” Sehyoon releases the tension from their magnet, leaving the equipment room. “You’re rich, not a sugar daddy. At least not mine.”

Junhee guffaws from behind while Sehyoon waits for his exit and finds himself grinning, ear to ear, from his action.

Per usual, their cars and belongings were the last in the vacant parking lot, they watch each other in silence from their driver’s door, neither opened.

Junhee’s eyes scan the outside area until he found his words. “So, I’m doing okay, right?”

“We’ll see about that tomorrow,” Sehyoon smiles and Junhee thankfully sensed the joke. “But look at that, day one—completed.”

Completion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the spacious updates it’s been kinda hard for me to write lately.. i was kinda thinking about discontinuing this book for reasons, but i could never do that to you lovelies so please don’t expect my usual fast updates, i will continue writing of course and hopefully it goes smoothly but sometimes i need a break, but i wont leave anyone hanging. promise! ❤️


	13. don’t let me go

Junho pushed them that week, everyone, including Sehyoon. Because if the team had to go hard, then his recordings had to be precise, if he got even a millisecond incorrect, that was his ass. 

So, everyone was tired. Sehyoon’s usually tired, he can’t help it much, but he felt like passing out, and it was still March, winter was almost out of full effect.

But nonetheless, he did his job, Junho didn’t spare them a break, not even the thirty second ones, so he specifically laid on the locker room’s ledges while Junhee showered hoping that he would take long enough so he could nap. It was by far the most uncomfortable he’s ever been, but it worked for the time being. 

He ignored the buzzing of his phone the first time, but he couldn’t bare the disruption the second. He pulled it from his pocket, sitting it on the ledge, but when the flash blinded him, he gave in on answering the call. 

He gave the caller ID a short glance, but he was almost one hundred percent sure it was Byeongkwan. “Yeah?” 

“You aren’t tongue deep down your boyfriend’s throat, are you? Took you a while to answer,” he was almost panting.

Sehyoon’s cheeks went hot and he checked to make sure he wasn’t on speaker, “You’re pathetic, what do you want?” 

“Come to the studio.” 

“Ah, tomorrow, I’m tired.”

His voice was impatient. “You told me tomorrow yesterday, come dance with me.”

“Byeongkwan—“ 

“Be here or I’m locking you out and you’ll have to sleep in your car.”

He hung up and Sehyoon screws his eyes back shut until the device dinged, he brings the phone to his face. 

**bk** :  _you_ _left_ _your_ _keys_ _at_ _home_ _btw_

He has the exhaustion to thank for that. And his lack of organization, having two separate keychains for his car and other necessities such as his fucking home wasn’t the best idea.

He sits up, stretching as his bones cracked, and gathered his belongings, searching the room for Junhee, praying that he wasn’t still showering because that’d be awkward and if he wasn’t, that he was clothed because that’d just be, a mess. 

Junhee was planted on the ledge, nothing but a towel covering his bottom half as he stared at his overly bright phone screen. 

“God, put some clothes on, would you?” Sehyoon rolls his eyes and motions towards the boy. 

Junhee’s head snaps upwards. “Oh? Are you leaving?” 

“Byeongkwan wants me at the dance studio.”

His eyes shine. “Are you gonna dance?” 

Sehyoon let his laugh erupt. “That’s what it's for.” 

Junhee jumps from his position, holding the towel firm around his waist. “Let me come! Can I come?” 

Sehyoon’s tongue escapes his mouth for a second, poking at the crease of his lips while he scans what stood in front of him. He’s seen Junhee without a shirt before, but then he wasn’t interested in the boy and wanted nothing more than to distance himself from such, and since he’s always had the faint memory of their first locker room occurrence and of course he knew that Junhee was in perfect shape under the clothes, but seeing it now, when he has all the rights to look, feels like a dream. His body is unbelievable. 

He swallowed. “What’d you say again?” 

Junhee smiled, like he knew what was up. “I said could I come? To the dance studio.” 

He felt drunk. “Yeah, yeah sure.” 

“Really?” He looked like a child in a candy shop. “You’re serious?” 

Sehyoon fell from the daze and glanced around. “Serious about what?” 

“You just told me yes.”

His face churned. “About what?”

Junhee approaches him with a tilted head. “Are you okay?” 

Sehyoon sighs. “I’m going to need to you to put a shirt on.”

“Oh, is that what it is?” His smile was sinister. “I don’t think I want to.”

“You’ll catch a cold.” 

“I’ll just be sick then, spare me the hassle of being here.”

Sehyoon folded his arms, the creases of his eyes wrinkled as they shut. “Like I said, about what?” 

“You look so silly.” He giggles and Sehyoon no longer feels the magnetic field, Junhee has his back towards him rummaging through his items when he decided to open his eyes. “You said I could come to the dance studio.” 

“I  _what_? No, I didn’t.” 

“Yes, you did.”

“How can you be so nonchalant?” He struggles not to panic. “You can’t come.”

“You already said I could.”

“Well, I change my mind.” 

Junhee excuses himself to a stall with his bag in hand. “No backsies!”

“Yes  _backsies_ , I said you can’t come, so you have to listen, you can’t come.” 

The shirt he has on sticks to his chest and his hair was no longer mopped onto his forehead, instead it was pulled back, exposing his forehead and eyebrows, something Sehyoon only gets to experience at meets with his ponytail, but this is different. His eyes twitched, both of them. Unreal, that was the word.

“Well,” Junhee slams his locker and hooks his arm around Sehyoon’s neck when he was sure of having everything, “I’m just going to follow your car because I’m sure you aren’t giving me address details.” 

They exit the room and Junhee held onto him as he locked the door, and the equipment and storage room because he forgot those, then the gate. He was fucking exhausted. 

“It’s just—I don’t think you’ll enjoy it.”

“Sure, I will.” Junhee stops at his car. “This is something you love doing most. It is, right?” 

Sehyoon inhaled deeply. “Yeah, it is.”

“Alright then,” is all he said before disappearing into his vehicle.

Sehyoon cursed himself befofe doing the same and pulling off. It’d be shitty if he made a wrong turn,  _accidentally_ , because he knows how much this means to Junhee, he really does want to know more about him and he’s voiced it on several occasions and it makes Sehyoon feel more like shit now that he thinks about it, but it’s the pit in his stomach that he’s opening up this  _huge_  part of his life to someone else. And what if Junhee isn’t interested? Granted, Sehyoon can’t force him to like the art of dance and he will respect it if he doesn’t, but it’s the thought. 

Because he really wants him to like it, it would mean the world and more.

He rolls into the parking lot and it’s obviously not much there but Byeongkwan and a few others, whom Sehyoon can’t depict because he doesn’t remember everyone’s cars how he used to, because the area is mostly vacant. He has to be somewhat thankful, he enjoys dancing alone, or with his best friend at the least. 

He forgets Junhee is following until he practically jumps from his Camry, face ecstatic. “Oh, this place is cool.” 

“I’m in debt because of it.” His nerves are on fire while he’s searching for the keys to the studio and Junhee notices.

He stops them both. “Are you nervous?” 

“Nervous?” The keys drop. “I’m okay.”

“But are you nervous?” He takes both his hands in one palm, covering them with the other. 

He can’t lie, not to him, not anymore. “Yes.”

“Why?” His eyes are sympathetic. “Sehyoon, I’m sure you’re amazing at this and as long as you love it, so do I.”

And it’s like he read his mind beause that’s exactly what he wanted to hear, just not like that. “But you only say that to make me feel better, I really want you to like this, or appreciate it, or just anything.” 

Junhee picks up the fallen keys, placing them in Sehyoon’s hand. “So go in there and do what you normally do, it’ll be like I’m not even here.” 

Sehyoon braces as he unlocks the door, Byeongkwan pauses in front of the mirror and turned to face him, he looks past and bows at Junhee, the favor was returned.

“And you told him to come?” Byeongkwan pulled his ear downwards slightly.

Sehyoon smacked his hand away, pushing him as far away from Junhee as possible. “He asked, then insisted, then he followed me here.”

Byeongkwan’s eyebrows raised drastically. "Oh? Well, that’s new.” 

“Tell me about it.”

Sehyoon stretches in front of the mirror, greeting others who emerged from the back room, all their eyes widening when spotting Junhee on his phone in a far corner, he paid no one any mind until his name was called, granting everyone small waves and a smile. 

Byeongkwan taps his side. “You nervous?”

“Little,” it could be because his face is sulking or he really is Sehyoon’s best friend and can tell his everyday mood with ease, the latter sounds better.

Byeongkwan pursed his lips. “Don’t be, you know what you’re capable of, you don’t even have to give it all you’ve got, do what you did last week and the week before, and the one before that, I bet you he wouldn’t even notice if you messed up.”

“He’s a perfectionist, of course he will.”

“And if he does?”

Sehyoon rolled his eyes and extended his leg to kick Byeongkwan’s, resulting in his balance lost.

“See? I’m always right,” he dusted himself off, moving towards the stereo. 

A track that he’s hard one too many times in the past month blows through the studio and he stands, kicking his feet back, waiting for Byeongkwan to regain to stand beside him. 

Junhee sits the phone beside him when the music cues and his eyes fall on Sehyoon. 

He’s mesmerized, that’s for sure. Sehyoon’s moves are solid, like he and his body have an equal amount of control over each other. Junhee doesn’t know much about dance, but he’s positive this is some advanced level routine, and Sehyoon is perfecting it. 

There’s not a single maneuver that isn’t forgotten and mastered at the finest degree. His timing is phenomenal and Junhee has to give him props because with this, school, and track, he has no idea how he’s making it look like he hasn’t missed a day of practice.

Byeongkwan is good too and they’re so in sync, but Junhee can’t spare anyone else his sight because he wants to be completely invested in Sehyoon and him only, right now and ever. 

The song ends and Sehyoon throws himself, back first, onto the floor and Junhee wants to rush over and make sure he’s okay because it probably hurt and he knows he’s already tired, but Sehyoon hasn’t shown any signs of pain and he’s too busy clapping, the only one doing so not to mention. 

Everyone, which isn’t much, looks his way, but he’s used to several eyes and continues to clap until Sehyoon sits up and gestures for him to stop, Junhee shoos him off and throws a thumbs up, Sehyoon smiles and shakes his head. 

“Sehyoon,” Byeongkwan slides over to him, “this is new.” 

He weakly smiles. “Yeah, I know.”

He’s hovering over him now. “No seriously,” he pulls Sehyoon upwards, “he wants to know what you do for fun and he enjoys it? Are you guys serious?” 

“Last time I checked we were.” 

“Holy shit,” he just stares. “I’m sorry but this is as new to me as it is to you, I’m really happy for you.” 

He rose to his feet. “God, you sound disgusting.” 

“Because I’m glad my best friend’s in a decent relationship? The way you take compliments,” he pulls a water bottle from the mini fridge and hands it behind him. “He’s a starer.”

Sehyoon pivots to see Junhee’s doe eyes burning holes into his, he smiled and motioned for Sehyoon to come to him and it was astonishing how he really wasn’t afraid of the eye contact, Sehyoon’s heart skipped a beat and he suffered from shortness of breath whenever their eyes locked, but it never seemed to phase Junhee. 

“You’re really good!” His voice projected over the music and they both ignored the new set of dancers on the floor. “I wasn’t expecting any of that!” 

“Yeah?” His hair was damp on his eyes, he blinked frantically to get the sweat from burning them. “That’s good to know, really good.” 

“No, seriously, you looked so cool. Do you teach?” 

Sehyoon chuckled, covering his mouth when he got louder than the speaker. “I’m not teaching you.” 

“But wouldn’t that be cute?” He fake pouts, Sehyoon couldn’t get enough of him. “Like you teach me everything you know and I get so good that one day I’m better than you.”

“That’s cute to you?” 

Junhee nudges his side, “Kidding, but you really looked amazing. I’m glad this is what you love, you’re fucking great at it.” 

And that’s all he was hoping to hear, nothing more. 

Him and Byeongkwan, and if others felt like joining, went a few more sets until both their legs gave out, Sehyoon’s is an honorable mention. He knew his knees were about to buckle, but said nothing, no one but Junhee panicked when they actually did, it took constant reassuring to convince him that he’s fine. 

“Is this what you guys do?” Junhee held his side as they walked to his car. “Dance until you’re physically unable to move?”

“Only when it’s late and there’s no students left, that’s when the fun begins.” 

Junhee opens the door for him, assisting with getting inside as well. “And that’s fun?”

“You run for a living, that’s miserableness knocking at your door.” 

He doesn’t reply until he finds himself in Sehyoon’s passengers seat. “Running is a necessity in life, dancing—is not.” 

Sehyoon eyes him dully. “Your car is right there,” he points out the window, “not here.” 

He frowns. “I can’t make sure that my boyfriend is okay and in the right condition to operate an automobile after midnight?” 

It felt surreal to hear from someone else’s mouth, even from his own mind, but from the person himself? Sehyoon has to blink a few times and pop his own ears to confirm that he, indeed, did say what he believes he heard. 

“I’m fine.” His ears were steaming, he was afraid to lay a finger on them. 

He reaches out to push Sehyoon’s locks from his forehead, his hand sits there for a moment. “I can still stay for a while, it’s only long enough until Donghun gets worried.”

“I don’t think he likes me.”

That was supposed to remain a mere thought.

Junhee’s hand falls down to his thigh, that along with the rest of his lower body, ached. “What makes you think so?”

“I don’t know he just—looks at me weird. At the party then when I left your place—“

“Wait, you seen him?” 

“Yeah, he eyed me for an entire minute, I told him I enjoyed the party and I don’t know if he meant to growl at me?” 

Junhee’s voice raised in pitch. “He growled?”

“He doesn’t think I did it right?” He worried that same area of his bottom lip through his teeth. “I know you know, Junhee, I didn’t do it.” 

“I never said you did—“

“I don’t want you to worry, thinking I’d do something like that to you, I meant to tell you sooner, I’m so sorry.” His breathing increased in speed. “Can you tell Donghun? I know he means a lot to you and I just don’t want him to hate me over something that wasn’t true, I’m really sorry.”

He frowned. “Why are you apologizing?” 

“Because,” he exhales, “you’ve probably been thinking about it, haven’t you?” He ignored the rejection of his question. “God, I should’ve told you earlier, you probably think I’m shit, I don’t know how else to prove to you—“ 

Junhee grabs his cheeks, pulling his face towards his own, they were only centimeters apart, “Look at me.” He had nowhere else to. “I don’t care if you cheated on him or if he cheated on you, or however the story went, I couldn’t give a shit. I believe you, okay? But please, for the sake of you more than me, don’t mention it again, you don’t like the topic and if you don’t, I don’t. Alright?”

“I’m so—“ 

“And no more apologies, understand?”

Sehyoon nodded, eyes wide with gloss. He cared so much if he believed him because no one else did, no one else but Byeongkwan, and apparently that one kid on the track team, but now that they were an item, a thing, he wanted nothing more than for Junhee to believe him. He would have told his side if that’s what it took. But it didn’t and he’s grateful because he probably would’ve ended up in shambles and Junhee’s dealt with that once too many times, he’s sorry about that as well.

“Good, you alright?” 

Sehyoon spoke through mushed cheeks. “I’m okay.” 

Junhee swallows and clears his throat twice while letting silence fall upon them before he spoke. “Can I kiss you like this?”

He meant like this as in hair sticky on his sides, fly aways forcing themselves up, in pain and still hot from the sweat, eyes bloodshot from over exhaustion, and face completely flushed as a result of all. 

Sehyoon blinked slowly. “You don’t have to ask.” 

Junhee sighs and he didn’t have to move his head much more inwards to seal the deal. Sehyoon tasted just how he looked, warm. They held it for almost a minute until Sehyoon released to breathe, he stared for a couple seconds before diving back in. 

Junhee was getting better, he’s a perfectionist indeed. Sehyoon’s lips were bound to bruise, in a good way this time, because Junhee fed into the tension more by the second and soon enough they were tongue tied with one another. Junhee still held Sehyoon’s face, his beautiful, tired face and Sehyoon settled on his waist, it was firm and tight, a giggle erupting from Junhee when he decide to give it a tickle, they sunk deeper into each other then. 

Sehyoon couldn’t express it through his brain enough, but it did feel like a dream, everything. Being his friend, his boyfriend, kissing him, holding him, seeing his beauty and falling into it more and more everyday, he doesn’t know who or what he has to thank for everything’s he done in his life that led up to this boy, to this moment, but he’d drop to his knees and bow in a heartbeat because this was by far his best dream.

Junhee hums before pulling himself back, both their eyes softly shut, they open at the same time, smiling then laughing at the amount of cliché in the moment.

“You’re amazing,” Sehyoon praises.

Junhee shrugs. “What can I say?”

He pushes at his shoulder. “Pathetic.” 

“I should go.” He leans in to plant a peck on Sehyoon’s lips. “I’ll text you, get home safely.” 

Sehyoon could only smile, crookedly, like a fool as he watched his exit and enter each car, he watched Junhee go straight for his phone once the car was started, his own dinging before he could complete thinking.

**jh** : _and_ _you_ _look_ _sexy_ _doing_ _all_ _that_ _dancing_ _shit_ , _i_ _love_ _it_

Sehyoon drops the phone and props himself on his elbows to find Junhee’s face once again outside the window. He was smiling, wide, as he waved, his engine reving as he disappeared into night’s traffic.

**ksy** :  _and_ _you’re_ _a_ _coward_ _because_ _you_ _couldn’t_ _say_ _it_ _in_ _person_

It was unbelievable.

Everything ached that morning. Everything. Byeongkwan had to help getting out of bed, dressed, he took him to school and practice, approaching Junho like the best friend he is, demanding that Sehyoon takes it easy during because they’re broke college students and parents wouldn’t pay the medical bill if they went to the hospital to get a doctor’s note, so Junho does what was told or because he’s a law student he’ll take repercussions, though legally, nothing would have been done wrong, but Byeongkwan’s intimidating, even for the old man.

And obviously Junho knows nothing about law because he obliges and let’s Sehyoon sit throughout practice, still throwing orders at him, but taking it easy just as requested. Everyone praised Byeongkwan for being so cool, telling Junho off, and it probably makes them wonder why he chose Sehyoon as his best friend. He thinks about it all the time. 

Junho makes some of the team clean up equipment because he can’t  _afford_ _to_ _go_ _to_ _court_  and that makes Sehyoon do a double take when he overhears because maybe he was just threatening him when he said he would and that was his only way to get free help, he’s in too deep now to point anything out. 

He’s failing at making it down the bleachers and would text Junhee to hurry up, but it’s a pain even to reach for his device. But thankfully, it’s like Junhee read his mind becauss he’s almost at a sprint coming from the locker room, all of his belongings in hand still, he plants them all on one arm when takes Sehyoon’s waist in the other.

“I don’t think you should go back there for a while.” He’s not even short of breath. 

“Over a few sores? This is what I live for, soreness means progress.” 

Junhee couldn’t fight with that. It took almost ten minutes to leave the stadium, they take the babiest of steps and Junhee stops them both when they get to the parking lot. “Your car?” 

Sehyoon winces when he slings them from side to side while he searched. “Not here.” He wanted to smack his arm. “Didn’t drive.”

He gasped. “I get to take you home! Just like old times!” He jumped like a kid on Christmas. 

“Ah, ah,” he hissed through his teeth. “I know you’re happy, but you’re hurting me.”

Junhee paused and his jaw dropped slightly. “Oh, I’m sorry. Come on.” 

He whined at every method they attempted to get him inside the car with and for a second, Sehyoon actually considered taking another break from dance because it did hurt like hell, but it’s what he loves, how could he? 

Junhee eventually had to pick him up bridal style and even that made his muscles tense, but he’s inside nonetheless and nearly passed out when the engine starts. 

“I’m really concerned for the amount of sleep you get every night.” Junhee reaches over to buckle his seatbelt. 

It takes Sehyoon a moment to realize he’s being spoken to. “I get a perfect amount.” 

“I don’t think that’s completely true.” 

“Well,” he yawns. “You’re gonna have to take that up with my insomnia, I’ll see what it says.” 

“I’m sorry you have to go through that.”

Sehyoon shoos him off. “It’s alright, not like it ruins my life completely or anything, I have other things to take care of that.” 

Junhee let’s his eyelids fall at the red light as he released an exasperated sigh,. “Don’t speak like that, you have to be more positive.” 

“No, but it’s true,” he slowly sits himself up. “My life is shit, Junhee, what else can I say?”

“I understand that, but wouldn’t you think by now that by you constantly having this corrupt mindset it only makes things worse? I’m not asking you to be happy go lucky, but just be nicer to yourself. Please?”

His chest sunk, just a little bit. “I know you’re not used to the whole depressed boyfriend thing, but don’t you think if I wanted to be happy, I would? You don’t think I like being like this everyday, do you?”

Junhee purses his lips. “Of course not.”

“I try so hard. Some things do give me the energy, serotonin if you must, that I need, like you and dancing, but it doesn’t last long, it never will. I just have to remind myself that I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you and—”

“Yes you do,” he grips the wheel with one hand and finds Sehyoon’s with the other. “You deserve so much.” 

“And,” he swallows, hard. “I tell myself so much that I don’t deserve this happiness that I’m just immune to the sadness and everything, I guess.” 

“Okay.” Junhee stops in front of his residence hall, but Sehyoon had no intentions on leaving, not immediately at least. “How do we fix this? How do we erase this negativity?”

We. Sehyoon felt like crying, but he couldn’t because he’d have to tell Junhee everything about everyone in his past, Youngho in specific, and he didn’t think he, as in himself, was ready for that. 

Because just the mention of them, as two, was so new. It’s never been we, only you or I, but mostly you because somehow Sehyoon always did something wrong, he was never perfect for his past. 

He stared at the wheel for a second. “Wait, do you have meds?” 

Sehyoon blinked a few times, “Um.” 

Junhee faces him. “Um?” 

“I told my mom to stop buying them, for the insomnia.” 

“And why is that?” 

His eye twitches. “Side effects.” 

“And that’s true?” 

It wasn't. Not at all. His mother doesn't even know. He tried them out with the help of Byeongkwan, not a prescription because that'd take a doctor's appointment and then his mother would have to know and how would she react to finding out that her baby boy has been suffering for this long and she couldn't do anything about it because she didn't know? The medicine helped, at the slightest, but then prices raised, they might've actually still been the same, maybe it was just that the two of them didn't use money wisely and by the time Sehyoon ran out, they didn't have the money for another bottle. 

Junhee would understand, for sure. But no doubt he'd question him about his mother then he'd have to go in depth about her stress level with two kids and a husband enlisted overseas, his family also isn't the wealthiest and Eunsuh still has to graduate, prom and senior expenses with that, and also college. Sehyoon's internal conflicts could wait, for a while. 

He holds his breath until his heart palpitates. “Why is it so hard to lie to you? I just feel like I need to tell you everything, but I can’t it’s too much and I feel like I’m about to cry right now, can I go?”

“Uh yeah.” Junhee’s jaw falls slightly, he leaves the car and makes it to the passengers side in mere seconds tops. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hold you.” 

Sehyoon screwed his eyelids shut, wiping abruptly at the stray tears, Junhee caught him doing so and tried to rush when helping him out the car to pull him into his chest and stroke his nape and down. “Don’t cry, baby. I won’t bring it up again, promise.” 

And that only made him want to bawl. 

Because this is what happens when you get winded up with Sehyoon. Well, at least for Junhee. He says and does things that Sehyoon’s never had before, like he knows what he’s been yearning for. 

And it makes Sehyoon feel so vulnerable, like he should let him know about everything right then and there. Maybe that’s what he needs to do because he’ll sob no doubt and he could use a good cry these days, penting all up is no fun.

But, it’s too hard. 

“I’m okay.” He emits a nerve sigh when Junhee backs him up to lock eyes. “Sorry.”

Junhee sulks. “What did I say about apologies?” 

“Right.” His eyes were heavy on him. “I’m tired.” 

Junhee graps his frame, still working with baby steps, while entering the building. “Promise me you’ll go to bed when you get in there?” 

“Are you gonna strike me with a trident if I can’t?” 

“Might just,” he felt Sehyoon’s cheeks rise against his shoulder. “At least try.” 

“If I can’t?” 

They arrive at his door, Sehyoon reaches for his bag, but Junhee knocks before he could find his keys. “Call me.” 

Byeongkwan only spares Junhee a glance when Sehyoon trosd into the apartment, he gives his thanks after they stand in uncomfortable silence for a minute. 

“It’s not much of a problem, you don’t have to thank me.” Junhee’s hands dig into his pockets. 

Byeongkwan stares, almost in a mixture of confusion and a slight taste of disgust, then his mouth falls agape like he had something else to say, he produced sharp inhales a few times in preparation to do so until proceding to nod and slamming the door, leaving him in the vacant hallway, the slam echoed for a few seconds.

Deja vu, almost. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really not satisfied with this chapter idk it’s smth ab it but if you guys like it, it’s alright!! 
> 
> also wowkwan danced to love more, it’s my favorite cover of theirs and if you don’t know it, it’s on youtube please check it out!!
> 
> always, thank you guys for reading.


	14. new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait lovelies but yay new chapter!! this is especially soft n cute :)

2AM. 

He’s slept, barely. After a drama that Byeongkwan insisted they watched, Sehyoon gave in immediately solely because he really enjoys the plot despite the sudden cliffhangers every other episode, it’s worth it.

Then they ordered takeout because Sehyoon forgot he had a paper due that he’s yet to start, school isn’t necessarily the first priority anymore, he’ll graduate regardless. Sehyoon finished in two hours tops which is a bit worrying in his case, he barely revised, his grade will reflect. He thought about phoning Junhee while doing so, no doubt he’d be his moral support and the writing would’ve came out better, but as much as he doesn’t want to, he feels like a nuisance. 

He’s aware that Junhee adores his presence and wants nothing more than to talk to him every second of everyday, but that only makes it worse when thinking back on how annoying he must be. Crying at the most minor inconvenience, rarely happy, he finds it more than difficult to grasp how his presence is enjoyed at the slightest. 

Junhee does deserve better. Not Sehyoon. It’s only been half a month, but he feels so guilty that Junhee caters to his every want and need, yet he does nothing in return. He could voice this, he should, but he fears the outcome more than anything else. 

He still does have that gravitational pull for Junhee, he likes him, a _lot_ , but voicing his concerns so early could be a potential problem that he doesn’t want to face. Along with keeping everything from him, Sehyoon has to come to the conclusion that he’s a coward who fears he won’t get his way. He’ll come clean one day, sooner rather than later he’s praying, but he needs the courage first. 

But now, he’s riding on the high of night and stares at nothing but darkness as his thoughts eat him whole. Junhee said call him, do so if he can’t sleep, but he tried and he did, for an hour and change, so does the second time count?

He played with the phone for a few, the screen illumanating his drained face as he tinkered with the home button. Then stared at Junhee’s contact for what he can estimate was about ten minutes before tossing the device elsewhere and forcing his eyes shut, demanding his mind to refrain from running wild as he made another attempt at sleeping. 

He couldn’t. His thoughts consisted of silence then Byeongkwan’s snoring because the walls were _so_ thin, he sat up and rummaged through the comforter for the phone. 

Junhee was asleep, Sehyoon knew he was. No one stays up in college without reason, his just so happens to be quite untamed. His thumb hovered over the _call_ icon then _FaceTime_ , that would be a stretch, wouldn’t it? He said call, not facetime. Sehyoon wanted to help himself, he couldn’t. 

It rang too many times for comfort and Sehyoon understood that Junhee has his own body and mind to tend to and nearly ended the call until the servers connected and his, along with Junhee’s, face filled the camera. 

He yawned, squinted, then turned his brightness up, he was beautiful, even with his bare face and mussed hair, “Can’t sleep?” His voice had dropped octaves, Sehyoon had to check that he was indeed talking to the correct person. 

“You guessed it.” Sehyoon moved to his side, prepping the phone against his spare pillow. “Sorry to wake you.” 

“No apologies,” he cleared his throat, his voice remained low and deep. “Did you try?”

“I did, I actually slept after cramming for a paper, but obviously that didn’t last long.”

He continued to yawn. “How long have you been up?” 

“Maybe two hours?” The clock was going on 3AM. 

“What?” He sat up. “Why didn’t you call earlier?” 

“You deserve to sleep just as much as me.” His voice got softer. “I didn’t wanna be a bother.” 

Junhee’s eyebrows knit. “You could never be a bother, baby.” There goes that word again. “Do you think I’d let you wake me up at,” he paused, “three in the morning if you were a bother?”

Sehyoon fell silent. “Exactly.”

“Anyway.” He pulled the comforter over his bare shoulders. “I plan to stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep, time has no meaning to me.” 

“I don’t think you wanna do that.” 

“Why so?” 

“I’ve stayed up until dawn on so many occasions.” Junhee was entirely emerced in what he had to say, his eyes ceased to droop. “There’s times where I don’t sleep at all, it’s not fun.” 

“Well, we’ll be tired together.”

New. So new to him. Byeongkwan stays up with Sehyoon, but it ends with him falling asleep first and Sehyoon using the sole comfort of him being by his side to ease his way into slumber, but kicking it for the entire night? That’s brand new. Sparkly clean waiting for Sehyoon at his doorstep. 

What did he do to deserve him?

Junhee giggled like a toddler. “I should be asking you the same thing.” 

“What?” Then he realized he’s voiced his thoughts. “Oh, I didn’t mean to—that’s a little embarrassing.” 

He grins, that cat grin of his that Sehyoon actually thinks he can’t get enough of. “Now I get a taste of what runs through your wild mind, think out loud more, I like what I’m hearing so far.”

Sehyoon can feel the drift growing upon him already and he’s yawning uncontrollably before he can get much more time to think. 

Junhee submerges himself in the blanket and journeys from his bed to an evenly dark hallway, flicking light switches on as he passes, he’s in the kitchen, blanket over his neck like some knockoff superhero, when he the final light illuminates. 

His bare upper body is practically exposed as he pours what Sehyoon can only portray as orange juice, Junhee crouches to the phone’s level leaning against their sugar dispenser as he delves through the cupboard, only to ensure that Sehyoon’s still on the line because he hasn’t said much thanks to the yawns and for a moment, Junhee actually thinks he fell asleep. He didn’t. 

“Hey.” Junhee voices while dragging over a step stool to reach the ramen Donghun hides on the highest shelf with. “What’s your major?” 

“Hm?” Sehyoon doesn’t appreciate the view of Junhee’s calfs when he averts back to the screen, though they are nice, he’d rather see his face. “My major? Fine arts.” 

Junhee turns, taken aback at the response. “Like drawing and painting?” 

“You got it.” 

“You like that stuff?” His face still scrunched when he goes for the stove. “I thought it would be like dance or something.” 

“Clearly you know nothing about this school.” Sehyoon let’s out a snort. “Dance is a minor that I, unfortunately, did not choose, too time consuming and much more money. But, to answer your question, I love art. A lot.” 

“You’re so interesting.” Junhee is stark naked from the waist up when he returns to his device. “Do you have some things I can see?”

And Sehyoon’s heart drops. It stays there for maybe a minute until resuming to its regularly scheduled program because no one but Byeongkwan, and his mother, has showed interest in his designs. Though he never had anyone _but_ his best friend and mother to show because Youngho didn’t care, he never did, and with that nametag dangling from Sehyoon’s neck, he couldn’t show his work in shows either, no matter how much his profressor begged. 

Just thinking back on him and Youngho makes him hate the male more than he thought he ever could. Never should a human being be treated like a pet, by their significant other at such. It stings, it stung during, but now? He couldn’t feel more like a clown knowing that he was so blindly wrapped around his fingertips. Did whatever Youngho said, cute partner for a project? Request for a switch or fail. Smiling at someone as a simple form of respect? He could expect to go back home with a new bruise. It wasn’t love, fuck it was so far from that and he was so stupid, so clueless to realize.

Until now. After he’s been fucked over, big time. After he nearly ridded himself. After Byeongkwan’s been through numerous merciful nights tending to his every wound, mentally and physically. How could he be so stupid?

“Did he fall asleep?” Junhee says to no one while squinting at the screen. 

“I’m here, sorry.” He took another second to exhale. “My designs?” 

“Yeah, do you have any?” 

A closet full. “They’re at school, you’ve probably passed a few before, they’re up somewhere. I finally let my professor showcase them.” That was partially true, the rest collected dust in his actual closet.

“You must be really good then.” 

One of the best in his class. “Something like that.” He caught Junhee’s smile before the phone projected a ceiling. “Could I ask about your major?” 

“You could.” He cursed from what Sehyoon can only assume was a result from boiling water, he can hear the silverware hitting the pot. “Business Administration, and before you ask, it’s the only thing I could come to amends with my father over. My backup in case this whole track thing doesn’t work out.”

“No complaints from me.” 

His face appears from the corner of the screen. “So you’re siding with my father?” 

Sehyoon smiles through a yawn. “Of course not, I know everything will be great for you, but the backup plan is very smart.” 

“So, you’re partially siding with my father,” he pouts. 

“If that’s what you’re taking it as, but we both know what you can do, I think it’d be a little absurd if you didn’t get where you want to be with track.” 

The pout fell, replaced with a smile that he clearly doesn’t want seen by the way he cowers from the phone, “You’re so sweet. It isn’t the tired talking, is it?” 

“Of course not.” 

His teeth are showing and he slides the phone away from him as if it was Sehyoon himself, it obviously went too far by the way it hit the floor and Sehyoon’s watching a dark screen again. 

“God, could you be any louder?” A third voice emerges from a distance on Junhee’s side, “Your ramen’s overcooking, jackass.” 

Junhee sets the phone back against the sugar dispenser, Sehyoon’s anew met with Donghun, instead this time his face is wiped of makeup and he’s also shirtless under a silk robe.

“Is it?” Junhee panicks above the overflowing pot, “What do I do?” 

Donghun sighs before rushing to Junhee’s aid, both their backsides to the screen as they hover over the sink, “I swear, all you’re good for is running.” 

Junhee follows after him, just like a duckling, making faces at Donghun’s comments but nonetheless taking in the steps he goes through to reset his food. 

“What’re you gonna do when you’re living with your, hopefully husband, God who knows what to do with you, and you have to cook?” He leans over to the screen, a small but genuine, from what Sehyoon knows about facial expressions, smile plastered on his lips, “Speaking of, Hi Sehyoon.” 

Sehyoon nearly freezes. Donghun talking to him of all people is enough, but with a look that isn’t of disgust? Does he know who he’s talking to? 

“Hi.” He remembers his manners. “How are you?” 

“Aside from your boyfriend pissing me off, I’m doing alright, and yourself?” 

“I’m okay, thank you for asking.” 

He thinks he hears Junhee giggle and mumble something about being so kind from a distance. Sehyoon’s head is spinning and he’s no longer tired, the feeling replaced with confusion. 

Donghun loathed his entire existence. He didn’t want Junhee around him, let alone a friendship, and suddenly he’s peachy with a relationship? Junhee’s talked to him for sure, for that he’s grateful, but it seems like too much. For Donghun to think so highly of Sehyoon that he sees him in Junhee’s future, then the H word at that? Sehyoon feels like he’s choking.

He excuses himself from the phone without notice and finds himself in front of the bathroom sink, flushing himself with water. 

It’s not a bad thing, that Donghun likes him now? He’s not even sure to be honest. But whatever he’s putting on for Junhee is working, though his smile did seem all the genuine. So, if Junhee really talked him into believing that Sehyoon is actually a good person, then Donghun has to be the most easily persuaded person he’s ever met.

It just doesn’t make sense. 

When he returns to the call, Junhee is back in what seems to be his own room now that the lights are on. It’s simple, but represents solely who he is. From what Sehyoon’s presented, there’s a wall of medals, it goes on for a while, there could be at least almost a hundred of them. Aside from that, there’s posters of people who he assumes are famous runners, people who must inspire him. Beside those, there’s writing, Sehyoon has to squint at the screen because he can’t make out a single word, but he hopes it’s dry erase or else he’d be paying more money for a condo he rented.

“Where’d you go?” The successful bowl of ramen is in his lap. 

“Bathroom.” He thinks on if he wants to dive into this or not. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” he says with a mouth full of noodles, “Donghun says goodnight, by the way.” 

It comes right out. “What did you say to him?”

“To Donghun?” He waits for Sehyoon to nod. “I told him what you told me.” 

“And he,” his voice lingers with a lilt, “believed you?” 

“No,” Junhee returns the tone, “he believed _you_.” 

“I’m sorry I’m confused.” 

“Sehyoon,” he moves the bowl to what Sehyoon can guess is a nightstand. “Donghun is gullible, but not stupid. He’s also my best friend who has my best interest in mind, he knows what’s good for me, as do I.” 

“And you told him everything I said?” Which wasn’t much on his half, just a lot of tears.

“I also told him about you. All the things you do and how happy you make me. If he wasn’t convinced, trust me, you would still know.” 

His chest does some weird mechanism at the thought of him making Junhee happy. He didn’t think he could produce such feeling out from someone else, but it’s now evident that, it’s possible. He’s still choking.

“Thank you,” Sehyoon nearly whispers.

“No thanks needed. As long as you’re happy.” He bites the inside of his cheek. “You’re happy, right?”

“Only when you’re around.” And that is true.

Junhee just smiles like a dummy as Sehyoon relocates himself under the comforter.

He feel accomplished, but not complete. His lone purpose is to make him happy, and be the pillar he can lean on whenever he desires. He’s more than happy to be the boy’s source of happiness, but then there’s the incompletion in the fact that Junhee knows Sehyoon isn’t as happy as he wants to be, or thinks he is. 

There’s still glints of sadness in his smiles and behind the laughter, a cry waiting to be brought to his surface. Granted, Junhee can’t make Sehyoon talk. He wants to, badly. But at the same time, Sehyoon doesn’t know all about Junhee and it wouldn’t be fair if Sehyoon told him everything, just how he said in the car, and Junhee kept his remainders stored in the isolated part of his brain. Yet, he still wants to know more about Sehyoon. He wants to know what still blooms this pain in him because he wants to fix it, or at least patch those wounds, but he can’t make Sehyoon talk and he won’t try either because there’s a time and place for everything. He’ll wait.

Sehyoon’s eyes are dropping and he’s fighting, but losing. “Stop fighting it.”

His eyes open only to fall to a squint, he knits his eyebrows at the screen. “I guess I’m tired then, I’m really comfortable.” 

“As you should be.” Junhee reaches over to switch the lamp off, afraid it will bother Sehyoon. “Keep your eyes closed.” 

Sehyoon complies and in half a heartbeat and breathing is deepening. He’s still awake, rocking himself on his side, but sleep still isn’t finding its way upon him. 

“Talk,” Sehyoon hums, “to me.” 

“About?” 

His voice is small. “Anything. How’s training?” 

“Ah, I meant to tell you,” he positions himself atop his pillow, bringing the blanket right under his chin. “Beat my record. Just by a few seconds, but it’s improvement.” 

Sehyoon pulls a lazy smile. “You’re gonna kick these people’s asses in a few months.”

Junhee enjoys the praise, but the focus is for Sehyoon to sleep, he’s done more than enough in keeping him awake. 

“No talking, just me.” His stern hold is fading as he can feel a wave of tired rush through his body, he was definitely fast asleep before this. “I also dropped some weight,” Sehyoon’s eyebrows cock at this, “I’m not sure if it’s good or not—“

“It’s not.” 

“No talking.”

“No.” Sehyoon’s character returned, his eyes opened. “You have an amazing body, you’re probably one of the most fit people at this school, except for Wonho, he’s a monster, I’m a little scared of him.” He’s right about that.

“But you shouldn’t lose anymore weight, okay? I love your body, just how it is.” 

Now, that’s the sleep talking. Revealing things he would normally keep a mere thought, but he’s currently under the influence of night and it’s no holds barred.

He’s doesn’t realize he’s said it either until Junhee responds. “You’ve only seen the upper half though.” 

Sehyoon swallows at this which results in a round of coughing. It goes on for a few seconds until he ushers out the bedroom to find a water bottle, returning still clearing his throat. 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He’s holding the phone completely parallel to the floor. 

“Oh my God.” His portrait pauses and it’s like the screen is frozen but Sehyoon’s sure it isn’t, his quality is still crystal clear. “You didn’t—you weren’t,” then he’s hitting the phone in embarrassment, “I didn’t mean it like that!” He’s burrying his face into his palms and Sehyoon thinks he has to be the cutest person alive. “Ah, maybe this is where I hang up.” 

“No,” Sehyoon whines. “We’ve both had our fair share of embarrassment tonight, call it even. And still, I haven’t fallen asleep.”

“That’s because you suck at trying!” 

Sehyoon throws himself into the mattress, mummifying himself in the comforter. “Fine, trying.” 

Junhee really wishes it could be Sehyoon next to him right now, in his bed, or vice versa, however things would work. FaceTime is enough for the time being, but it’s obvious he’s still having a hard time with sleep, let alone trying without assistance. His heart aches for him and he feels guilty that he, normally, gets his fair eight hours while Sehyoon gets the bare minimum to none. 

He’d stay up with him every night from this point forward if it meant his sleeping, schedule wise, improves. He has no idea what goes through his mind during because although he’s seen him and all his beauty during slumber a few times on the charters, then his car, he’s for the most part still awake. Rocking himself in Junhee’s front seat and fiddling with his own fingers when rocking is restricted because his private space is occupied with Junhee under his arm and he wouldn’t want to wake or annoy him because just like anyone else on the bus, he’s tired. 

But that doesn’t matter, Junhee’s putting past his drowsiness for Sehyoon’s now.

And that sounds absurd, but he wants nothing more than for this relationship to work and if it means putting himself in unstable conditions to give Sehyoon the beneficiaries he desires, then it’ll have to be like that. 

Junhee knows what Sehyoon’s been through, not necessarily story wise, but from the eyes of a peer and _now_ boyfriend, things are still hard for him and it may not be the easiest recovering and getting back to himself, whoever that is, but if it starts with sleep, Junhee will be more than happy to play a factor in such.

“Well, let’s start with getting comfortable beause that—you’re forcing it.” 

He rolls his eyes, his bottom lip rising when his head looms from the blanket. His side of the line shuffling for sheer seconds, the phone returning to its previous stance against his spare pillow, and he’s staring at the screen in silence. 

“Good, that’s great. Now, close your eyes.” Sehyoon complies and they drop instantly, like they’ve been aching to shut and Junhee can’t imagine how tired he must be. “Don’t think about anything else, concentrate on your breathing.” 

“Are you gonna talk?” His voice is reunited with its meager state.

“You want me to?” He barely catches Sehyoon’s nod as he positions himself better, eyes still closed, “It’s the next best thing to you being here, physically.”

And Junhee really does wish he could be there, physically. 

“Alright.” His mind wanders until he can find an appropriate subject to focus on. “Fun fact? I wear two shoe insoles and platforms most of the time because I can’t come to the settlement that I’m not tall, my apologies if I’ve ever deceived you.” 

Sehyoon smiles then his eyes crinkle and he breaks into laughter. “Makes sense.” 

“You’re not supposed to be laughing,” Junhee complains. “How am I supposed to put you to sleep like this?” 

“You’re doing fine, just keep talking.” 

Junhee’s determined. “About my lilac hair, I started balding a week in and by time I got the color out, a patch of my hair was gone.”

He spoke before Sehyoon could question because Junhee watched his eyebrows furrow, “Yes, it grew back.”

He rambles about nothing for a few minutes until Sehyoon inhales sharply and let out a long, gentle sigh. He might’ve done it. Junhee’s gaze averts from his ceiling to the phone screen and Sehyoon’s lips have fallen from each other, his eyelids are no longer wrinkled but both evenly smoothed, and his shoulders are rising and dropping slump slowly. He did it. 

Junhee doesn’t want to hang up because he’s afraid he’ll eventually wake up, though morning is developing, and if Sehyoon does and he isn’t there, he’ll only feel more like his job is incomplete. So, he studies and captures Sehyoon’s every habit while asleep until he does so himself, the call ending when one makes a sudden shift and hits their phone, they’ll both apologize for it later. 

 .  .  .

The news comes from his sister before anyone else.

**eunsuh** : _it’s 7 in the morning on a saturday idc you better see this_

7AM on a Saturday where he doesn’t have a meet _,_ so he doesn’t fathom to why his phone is more awake than him in the moment _._

**eunsuh** : _aunt suna is getting married!!_

He glances at the ceiling while remembering exactly which aunt that is, then wonders why and how he has so many of them. 

Aunt Suna, the youngest of his mother’s sisters, considerably close in age with Sehyoon, constantly goes abroad to get away from the family, he’s surprised she even notified them about this.

**eunsuh** : _well she’s been engaged for a while now.. uh the wedding is next week_

And that sums it all up. 

**eunsuh** : _she already got the bridesmaids dresses? and apparently i’m one??? idek how she knows my size could this be a scam??_

**eunsuh** : _anyway, mom told me to tell you, she’s too busy with clearing her schedule_  

**eunsuh** : _you have to find something to wear, color code is navy blue, mom said phone her if you need money because nothing in your closet is suitable_

And of course, she went through his wardrobe as if half the clothes there aren’t from high school, clothes his mother forgot to send off to charity, no wonder it isn’t suitable.

**eunsuh** : _oh yeah and you have to bring a +1_

**eunsuh** : _mom wants you to_

Of course she wants him to. Anything to rub it in her sibling’s face that her son could be next in line with tying the not. He isn’t. 

Both his mother and Eunsuh are probably expecting Sehyoon to get Byeongkwan to tag along as his date, they’ll pretend to be an item for the day as he’d be shamed by them both if he showed up with his ex, she’d send him back home without hesitation. 

But he won’t put Byeongkwan through that. Mainly because in the end when another family event comes up and Byeongkwan somehow can’t make it because the boy does have a life of his own, he’s afraid of the outcome and shame him and his mother could receive because he knows for sure his mother will boast to her line of sisters how in love her only son is and how she can’t wait for him to experience this next and if him and Byeongkwan _break_ _up_ , that’d be nothing but a mess on his mother’s side. 

So he has no other choice but to ask Junhee, and he has a week to do it. And get them both affordable and reasonable material. Not to mention, he hasn’t had a proper conversation with his boyfriend since he put him to sleep, weeks ago. Time hasn’t been on their side.

He’s not sure how Junhee’s schedule is looking for the next seven days, other than the meet tomorrow due to the weather today, April is in full effect and thunder storms aren’t the ideal weather forcasts for track and field, and practice weekdays, nothing is set for next Saturday in Junho’s book and that could easily be replaced with his training, they still struggle with seeing each other outside of track and school because of it, he’s really been pushing for the past month. 

Then his mind journeys on if Junhee will even oblige to such a extensive step in their relationship. This is practically meeting his family, no, this _is_ meeting his family and Sehyoon doesn’t know how to feel about that. Usually that comes when the relationship is established and both are comfortable with the fate of what the other’s loved ones will think of them, but this is so early. Too early.

He doesn’t know if him and Junhee are established yet, granted he does want them to be, but it doesn’t happen like that, time is the key. But they’ve been dating for a month and change now and though that is much for both men, nothing can be established so soon. 

So Sehyoon’s immediately fearing of how his family will take in Junhee. Most are relatively young, so no doubt they know who Junhee is and no doubt that their first reaction will be disbelief because who would have guessed that in Sehyoon’s 22 years of living, he’d end up with South Korea’s It Boy, most certainly not him for starters. 

But before anything, he has to ask. He has to overcome his newfound fear of Junhee denying, because him denying his ask is in fact rejecting taking the first actual step in their relationship, and that gives Sehyoon a bitter glimpse of how their future could potentially go. But then again, why would Junhee even want to take such a step in their relationship so _early_? Sehyoon would only have himself to blame if he rejected him. 

What’s the worst that could happen if he didn’t?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if things are getting a bit boring i promise all the spiciness is coming, patience is a virtue my lovelies...
> 
> as always, thank you guys for reading.


	15. friends

Sehyoon actually thinks he can get used to the fanatics and zealots that track and field brings. No, he isn’t an enthusiast himself, he still finds it difficult to see the purpose other than a way to burn fat and get in shape, but the way citizens of Korea and actually the entire world admire the sport is oddly fascinating to him. Just how he’s passionate about dancing, which in his sole opinion actually has reason to the world, but in similarity, this is what these athletes and their fans love.

So meet by meet his ears are gradually adapting to the oh so deafening screams, the airhorns, and the discomfort of someone’s saliva planting its place on the back of his neck whenever he’s too close to the bleachers, which he makes the mental note now to be aware of his surroundings because amidst all the chaos, it’s fairly hard to master the simple task of staying in one spot.

The season has been in its full effect for a while now and Sehyoon’s been coming to identify rival teams and simple schools looking to make their mark, and there’s quite a few of them. 

Honorable mentions contain SNU, they have some remarkable athletes, Sehyoon knows, the school was up for grabs his senior year in high school. He wouldn’t be surprised if Hankuk and Hanyang ended up at nationals as well, along with a few private schools he can’t necessarily remember the names of, they’re all collectively amazing in his opinion. Sure, Junho wouldn’t be too happy to hear that. 

But his school, along with Yonsei are the ones to look out for, Sehyoon’s sure everyone in the crowd is aware of that. He keeps the calculations for himself just to glance at every now and then, and since the season began, Yonsei has continuously been the runner up. Junhee maintaining his crown no doubt, but the difference in numbers are scary small when it comes down to him and Hojung, the guy’s phenomenal, Sehyoon can’t deny his talent.

The worst being their first meet, the meet where Sehyoon happened to be the cause behind Junhee and Hojung’s two second finish difference. That, he’s still regretful for and still wishes that Junhee had voiced his concerns to him early on in the day because just maybe the results would’ve came out better, at the slightest. 

The best being their last meet, and Sehyoon thinks it’s evident that Junho’s aware of Junhee’s improvement, all thanks to his trainer, a veteran Olympian that, apparently, took a life time and more to get in contact with, then a good lump sum of money to get to work with Junhee. Yet, Junho fails to acknowledge the boy, he wants more, greedy as he is, he doesn’t deserve Junhee or frankly, any of his team. Nothing his enough for him, not until another one of his mates are admitted to the emergency room due to over-exhaustion and even then, that’s not enough. 

According to Junhee, he believes the Olympics will do it, that’ll shut Junho up for good and he’ll never have to hear his mouth again, but why should Junhee have to do it for him? To prove something to the old man, he has nothing at all to prove to him. This should be done for himself and his own well-being, the benefit of knowing that everything paid off in the end, not for the man who puts money and success before anything else in life. 

But that isn’t the sole focus today, or in the moment at least because Hojung is intensely close to Junhee. He’s not looking over his shoulder, he knows that rookie mistake like it’s his ABCs, but Sehyoon’s sure Junhee’s aware of the bare gap he’s holding. 

There’s a moment during the 400M when Hojung brushes against Junhee, more so on the aggressive side, almost as a tactic, Sehyoon’s internally debating whether if it was intentionally, to throw him off, or out of sheer determination that he made a simple mistake. The latter isn’t in his favor because both men’s facial aspects read his first consideration. 

Junhee’s falls blank for a second, essentially personifying realization of what just happened, then the blank that showcases his disbelief that it actually happened, Sehyoon knows these looks too well, he wears them himself quite often. 

Nonetheless, his body continues to be the force of greatness that it is and he, undoubtedly, comes in first.

The audience cheers, celebratory holler and whistles, but the scene of the track has to be the utmost different. 

Cameras are on for sure when Junhee approaches Hojung, his words inaudible and Sehyoon isn’t the best when it comes to lip reading, but whatever’s being said is far from nice. He’s pushing Hojung, a confused look wiped across the other boy’s face and all cheer stops for the moment, the stadium falling silent, everyone aching to hear what the problem is.

Sehyoon still fails to comply with his ears ringing from the aftermath of a rowdy audience, but Junhee’s face is flushed from the activity yet he’s turning a faint red. Whatever’s occurring doesn’t sit well with Hojung as he equally fires up, arguing against Junhee, both tired atheletes looking for what can be a fight at the end of the finish line.

Junho waddles onto the track, moving at the only pace his body can obtain to pull Junhee from the back of his jersey, attempting to usher him into the locker room, officials are aiding at this point, still no one can pry either male from the area. 

The team is frantic, some threatening to stop this themselves, though they have no right to touch the track despite the shirts they wear, they aren’t valid competitors as of now. 

Sehyoon on the other hand, has every utmost right to do what he pleases on the battlefield, with limits of course, but he chooses to remain near the team, leaning against the barricade as he continues to depict the situation in front of them. And it isn’t until a teammate actually gets up, driving Sehyoon onto the track that he realizes he can do something, not only as team manager, but as his boyfriend. Then it crosses him that the members may be aware of their relationship and are mute on it, but that isn’t his biggest concern right now.

He makes it to the scene just before a hand is thrown and emerges in front of Junhee, clipboard against his chest as he insists in getting him as far from the opponent as possible. He catches him clear his face of a few tears and can’t possibly understand why this led to such, but he won’t speak on it until the appropriate time. 

Junhee is now conscious of who stands before him and with one shove of the wooden board against his frame, he turns and goes for the locker room, officials following before Junho ensures that the situation is under control and he can take over, they nod in unison. 

“What the hell is your problem, boy?” Junho sits Junhee on the first open chair in the area, face met with embarrassment and disappointment. “Have you lost your fucking mind?” 

He motioned towards the closing door. “You’re telling me you didn’t see that?”

“See what? You embarrassing me and this school on that track? Because the entire country seen it!” 

“He pushed me! Do you think I’m crazy or something? Why else would this have happened?” 

Junho must really think he’s lost his mind. “Are you really that bitter, boy? That he could potentially be better than you? That you have to lie when we all know who won the race?” 

“He’s not better than me,” Junhee does his best not to wear the feign that hit when Junho stated the obvious, “he never was and he never will be.” 

“Are you aware of what could happen to your position on this team because of this? Because of your bad sportsmanship?”

No, because of Junho’s embarrassment. He can’t bare the media harassing him constantly in the future over this.

“Oh, here it comes.” Junhee leans into the chair. “You’re gonna kick me off, aren’t you? I actually want you to, I mean since you’re obviously considering it. Kick me off and show the rest of the country how this team operates without me. Do it. I want you to.”

Sehyoon didn’t think he had it in him. The cockiness was only on occasions, and jokingly at that, but it’s almost as if he’s showing his true colors in front of the man who’s controlling his future. 

Junho’s conflicted, obviously. He was expecting just as much as Sehyoon, maybe less. Well, because he’s right. The team wouldn’t be in complete shambles without Junhee, but it wouldn’t be a delight to see and an obvious pain to Junho if he decided on the option. 

“Kiss nationals goodbye. And that reward money that you use _every_ _year_ for your own expenses, still paying off your debt? I don’t think the press would like to hear about that.” It’s like Junhee’s shot an arrow right through Junho’s chest, and he won’t stop. “And the unfair treatment to everyone on this fucking team! Would the media like to hear how you sent me to the emergency room _six_ times in two months? Wouldn’t that be lovely? So kick me off, Coach, it would make your life most certainly better.”

His arms are folded over his chest and Junhee knows he’s won this by the way Junho’s reddening, a shade nearly as close as the one he wore during their meeting in the Dean’s office. 

Him and Junhee hold a stare that Sehyoon actually thinks about breaking because Junhee actually looks like he’s about to burst into tears and he isn’t sure why, maybe because he is actually scared of being kicked off, what could happen to his future and the Olympics if it happened, but he just held up such a dominant position, Sehyoon doesn’t think he’s worried about that right now.

Junho beats him to it. “I’ll get a playback and speak to the officials, we’ll work something out.” That’s all he gives before storming his chubby figure from the room, leaving Sehyoon to cater to Junhee, _this_ Junhee.

Who’s wiping at more stray tears and sniffing the rest up while the door closes, before Sehyoon can grant him his undivided attention.

“Hey.” Sehyoon crouches to his level. “I don’t know what’s up with Hojung,” Junhee tenses at the name and he immediately feels like he said the wrong thing. “The Yonsei boy, but you still won. This will clear up, okay?”

“I’m sorry you had to see that.”

”You shouldn’t apolo—”

“I don’t know why I just, got so upset.” He does, he knows exactly why, but lying only eases the suspicion and that’s all he needs right now.

“Out of anger and that’s alright.” That’s a start. “You also—said some things that I’m sure Junho will reflect on in his own time, but were you wrong?” 

He wasn’t.

”I should apologize to him.” 

Sehyoon frowns. “You don’t owe that man anything, Junhee. He’s evil to you and the rest of your team, he deserved everything you just said.”

”Yeah,” it’s his heart doing the talking now. “But he’s my coach regardless, where would I be without him? I’m at this school _because_ of him and I just disrespected him, it was just me speaking my mind but now I feel bad.”

”For saying all the right things?” Sehyoon holds his tongue because he can’t blame Junhee’s soft mentality for wanting to apologize, though what he said most likely didn’t get to Junho how he thought it would and if it did, barely. He’s an old man who wants nothing more but money, what can hurt him?

“Anyway, he’ll handle it, you’re fine.” 

And Junhee knows Sehyoon only says it as reassurance, but he believes him entirely. And Junho must’ve handled it _fast_ because by time press comes after the award ceremony, he’s only spared the pain of a few reporters trying to get something out of him about the situation.

Hojung, on the other hand, receives the complete opposite and microphones are at his every angle aching to get his side on the incident. He’s used to the media just as Junhee, yet he’s still at a loss for words when it comes to what to say and Junhee wants to think that it’s because he’s aware he’s in the wrong, but he’ll find a way to lie his way out of it, Junhee’s sure he will.

No one scurries to the back of the bus, before Sehyoon can get on and they officially leave, to congratulate him on his umpteenth win, or slap his back on his way there, it’s like they’re almost ashamed or embarrassed, granted he would too _if_ the opponent actually did sneak his way into cheating and potentially being disqualified, but that wasn’t the circumstances. They’ll watch the playback and realize, the entire country will. 

He doesn’t think people hate him now. That’s by far impossible, but they’re probably disappointed, just like Coach and most likely his father and sisters when they get the chance to watch the race today, but his name will clear up because Coach can’t afford a bad rep on his own as the head of this team, and Junhee’s spot is still open for qualifications, he’s still South Korea’s charm, he has nothing to worry about. 

And although that sounds cocky and all the self-centeredness, it’s true. And he’s proud of it because he worked to get this name, this rep, and one boy of his past won’t ruin it. That’s for sure. 

Still, he’s bitter. 

Sehyoon’s distant on the ride back and he probably thinks Junhee’s still mad, which he is, but aside from everything, he’ll never take anything out on the boy, but he understands and respects his decisions when he sat a row in front of him, his belongings still beside Junhee in the vacant seat. 

He still follows behind Sehyoon while he cleans up equipment, just as a reminder that he isn’t mad at him in specific because though he has no idea where that assumption would come from, he fears it’s a possible outcome when it’s Sehyoon he’s talking about. But the elder doesn’t pay him any mind, which isn’t new because he really wants to get the job done and over with, but it’s really like Junhee’s just his shadow right now and he isn’t sure what to do anymore.

“Is there something wrong?” He’s almost clinging to Sehyoon’s side as he unloads the last bit of small equipment. 

“Why do you ask.” And that should be a question, but his tone is dull. 

Junhee pouts, but Sehyoon doesn’t see. “You didn’t sit with me, that’s for starters.” 

“I just thought you might’ve wanted some space to yourself.” 

“Sehyoon.” He sits on the cooler when they reach the equipment room. “I’m not mad at you—”

He stops in front of an opex box. “Who said that?” 

“I just didn’t want you to think that I was.”

“And why would I?”

And that’s when Junhee gets the memo. He’s missing something. Because why exactly would Sehyoon be mad at him? He didn’t snap at him, he didn’t blame him this time, so why would be he upset? There’s something bothering him, obviously, now that he’s finally caught on. 

“Um,” but how exactly does he approach that? “Are you done yet?” 

Sehyoon pivots to eye him like he just said all the wrong things. “Yeah.” 

They leave in silence, Junhee waiting patiently for Sehyoon to ensure that everything’s locked and in place, God forbid if he complained like every other time, now _isn’t_ the time. 

Their paces both begin to slow once they’re in the parking lot, not because they’re near each other’s vehicle, but whatever’s the bother of each male is starting to eat at them and holding thoughts in won’t make anything better.

They face each other and speak at, almost, the same time. 

“Is there something on your mind?” 

“Do you know him?”

Junhee caught the question, barely, but he couldn’t be completely sure if he actually heard right. “You first.” 

Sehyoon’s biting that same spot on the inside of his cheek again and Junhee’s come to take note of the habit whenever he’s anxious or nervous, anything around those feelings or stuck in situations and Junhee immediately feels bad for putting him in this spot, he would take over in a heartbeat to spare him the pain, but he can’t let this comment get by without word.

“Do you know him?” 

And that’s exactly what he heard. 

“Who?” He knows. 

“Yonsei boy.” Sehyoon’s now fully aware that Hojung shall be nameless until further notice.

“Hojung?” Way to go Junhee, play dumb.

Sehyoon nods ever so lightly and Junhee thinks about lying for a moment because this _is_ the time and place. There is for everything, right? Well, this is his. And if he avoids it, a simple no and they’ll be on their way, issue pushed to the side, worries in the past, right? No. Because that isn’t who Junhee is, and Sehyoon doesn’t follow to far behind suit. He could lie to people, various people, a whole school of elementary students if he wanted to, lie to his heart’s desire. But with Sehyoon, it’s different. Junhee doesn’t _want_ to lie when it comes to Sehyoon, not because they’re in a relationship, sure that’s a heavy factor, but even if they weren’t, Junhee couldn’t do so.

Sehyoon’s always been different to Junhee. Since they day they first met. Not because of his circumstances, but just him. Junhee can’t exactly pinpoint the reason, but Sehyoon’s way too different from everyone else in his life, in a good way. And that makes it so hard, too hard, to lie to him.

That’s just the impact Sehyoon has, he guesses.

“Uh.” Sehyoon watches him with patient eyes, he’s nothing but anxious.

Fuck it.

“Yeah, actually. I know—knew him.” 

“Knew?” 

This is definitely his time and place. 

He unlocks his car without warning, pointing to the passenger’s side, “Get in.”

Sehyoon complies and Junhee’s leg is shaking at an insane rate as he waits. He’s about to do this, he’s gonna do this. He’s only spared Donghun this story after everything went down and he was left in shambles for the first time _ever_ , that’s the only person he could ever tell anyway. But now he has the option to let someone else in and he can’t push Sehyoon away, not him out of all people in this world. 

Sehyoon is fiddling with his fingers as the anxiety and fear eats him whole and he doesn’t even know what he’s afraid of, but the fact that his suspicions were correct can lead to nothing good. He thought about it the entire ride back and he’s never been so good with analyzing details that it’s actually scary now that his conclusion is actually unfolding. 

Because Sehyoon hasn’t seen Junhee that riled up, not until today. And he understands completely that this sport means the absolute world to him, so he does take it very serious, who wouldn’t if it was their passion? But to be brought to tears despite his, practically, clean win, he beat Hojung by four seconds, despite his success, is concerning. Worrying. And Sehyoon feels like he should get to the bottom of it, but he doesn’t want to because now that his thoughts are confirmed, there’s obviously more to it and he isn’t sure if he wants to hear the rest.

“So um, we were friends.” 

Were. The word just lingers through Sehyoon’s head for a minute.

“We met at some meet our rookie year, I can’t remember which. In the bathroom, and I still don’t know how we both ended up there at the same time, but it happened. And we just talked, I didn’t even get the chance to use anything,” he forced a laugh and his head fell, a light smile rising then falling from his lips. “We talked for maybe ten minutes? And he asked for my number, and me giving it to him was probably the worst mistake I have ever made in my life. But we were rookies, we didn’t know any better.”

“Anyway, from that point on, we talked a lot. Texted whenever we got the chance and eventually, we became friends, without our coaches knowing of course, I don’t even want to know now what would’ve happened if they found out. But we got so close that if we had time, we’d sneak to the other’s school and just run, for fun, practice races and shit. It was great, God it was so cool. I finally had someone who I shared so many similarities with, too many.” 

And that’s when it hits Sehyoon right where it hurts. Because he has nothing in common with Junhee, not a single thing. And he’s questioning if he’s even worthy of being in his life anymore, if he even means something still because of that, because of what was just said. It stings. Big time. He won’t say anything though.

“And so I actually taught him so many of my tricks and things up my sleeve, and he did the same and when it came down to meets it didn’t feel necessarily like I was beating an opponent, but a friend. And I know that sounds a bit off, but it was great. Because we both knew where we stood in each other’s lives outside of the track.”

“We talked for about a year? Until things started getting—different.” Junhee pauses to think of all the ways to interpret this part in a way that won’t hurt both him and Sehyoon in the process of, because he’s repressed this story, this memory, so it’s still raw to even think about, let alone pour his thoughts out to the most important person in his life.

“I guess the feeling was mutual because we both knew what we wanted out of each other. And it went from sneaking to each other’s school to run to making out somewhere on the football field.” He hates this part. “He was my first kiss.” 

It’d be a good idea if Sehyoon left right now, spare them both his tears.

Junhee let’s out a broken sigh. “And um, we’d um—we’d hook up on occasions. I lost my virginity to him and you don’t know how much I regret it now.” 

Ouch. 

“It stayed like this for a few months, friends with benefits I guess because no one made a move, I definitely wasn’t planning on it because despite the friendly competition and the sex and everything nice about our friendship, I couldn’t see myself in a relationship with him, yet I had feelings for him? And I hate that I did because I knew at the same time, he didn’t want me how I wanted him to. Still, we ignored the complicated shit and kept the benefits part, because it was nice.”

“Then it was sometime during winter break sophomore year that he texted me and told me to leave him alone. Nothing more, nothing less, just to leave him alone. And for weeks, then into months, I scratched and I clawed, trying to get to him to talk to me at meets because he blocked my number.” He laughed, uncomfortably. “But it was no use because that was it. It just ended and I didn’t know why, I still don’t.”

“And I guess closure would’ve done something, but it still hurt and it did for so long until I got back on my feet and kept moving because what’s one lost boy in your life going to do?” 

Sehyoon can tell him all about that. 

“Anyway, I guess since then it went from the friendly competition to me trying to prove something to him every meet, that I was over him, that I didn’t need him in my life and I don’t know if he got the memo and frankly, I don’t care anymore. But it just hurt, it hurt a lot that he just cut me off so suddenly. I would’ve been perfectly happy with just being friends, nothing more, because that’s all we ever were from the beginning, but I guess he didn’t want that. At all.”

Silence grows upon them and Sehyoon isn’t sure what to say because there isn’t much he can that wouldn’t be out of pure bitterness. It does mean a bit to him that they actually _do_ have something in common, in the most negative way that he’d rather not speak on, but it counts? 

That wasn’t along the lines of what he expected in the end, but explains more than a lot. He’s grateful that Junhee did say something and let him in on this sensitive part of his life, but it still sends him the wrong way, just a little bit. 

He clears his throat before speaking. “I’m sorry that happened. He’s obviously a shit person and looking at it now, you had every right to be that furious earlier.” 

It’s not what he essentially wants to say, but it’s definitely what Junhee wanted to hear because he’s smiling to himself and if it satisfies him, it satisfies Sehyoon. 

“Yeah, you’re right.”

During their silence, he thinks of a way to ease his way out of this and force the remainder of his thoughts elsewhere because with his mind still on the topic that he could actually be a simple use in Junhee’s life to help furthermore forget Hojung, he’s leading himself closer to tears.

”Have you told anyone else about this?”

”Just you and Donghun.”

And he guesses that kind of means something, maybe he is important in his life, but not as important as Hojung, he doesn’t feel remotely close to that level anymore. 

He thought he was holding his next words in just fine, but they apparently had other plans. “Do you still—” Junhee’s head snaps right back up and he’s staring straight through him, too late to go back now. “Have feelings for him?” 

Junhee’s face pales and Sehyoon knows immediately that he fucked up, but the answer should’ve been out in the blink of an eye, but what could he have expected?

“Um.” He’s hesitating and Sehyoon actually thinks his eyes are about to flood because he shouldn’t be hesitant with this, why is he hesitant? 

“No, I don’t. Not anymore.” 

And Sehyoon is finding that more than hard now to comprehend, he wants to believe him, so bad. 

“Okay.” 

“I’m serious, Sehyoon.” 

Yeah, he’s about to cry. “I have to go, it’s late.” 

Junhee’s taken aback, but he leans in to kiss Sehyoon anyway, and Sehyoon feels nothing, not right now. 

Junhee places his palm over Sehyoon’s before his hand is on the handle. “Are you mad at me?” 

Everything Sehyoon wants to say is stopped up in the middle of his throat and he’s choking, so he only shakes his head before retreating from the car into his own.

Junhee is a good person, he really is and Sehyoon knows he never has any bad intentions when it comes to him, but this just—hurts in so many different ways and he wishes he never thought of anything and didn’t look like something was wrong, but he truly fails at holding a poker face and maybe he should practice on that more because he’s probably gonna cry when he gets home because now his mind is just filled with regret. Complete and utter. 

But who can he blame other than himself? He’s the one who told Junhee that all he wants is communication. And that’s exactly what he got.

And now Junhee probably feels like he did something wrong when he didn’t, he does everything so perfectly and Sehyoon wants to tell him that, but it’d feel like a lie being that he feels the opposite. He feels like Junhee said the wrong thing because why couldn’t he be his first kiss? And when the time comes, if the time comes, he wants to be the one who does things only him and Junhee know about. And that just sounds selfish because Junhee wasn’t his first kiss and he won’t be his first fuck, but it’s just the principle.

So now he’s down spiraling over something that shouldn’t be serious and he can’t tell Junhee how it’s bothering him because what he did was valid. 

So he must deal with this on his own, and it may take some time, but he’ll do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just the beginning.. :)


	16. all for you

Sehyoon settles on pushing all his feelings and confusions to the side for the time being because his aunt’s wedding is in four days and he still has to ask Junhee, and go shopping, and get money to go shopping. Let’s just say whether Junhee’s over someone that isn’t him or not can’t afford to be his biggest worry right now, he’d rather not disappoint his mother. 

Meeting Junhee somewhere would be more than convenient, from there they could go straight to whichever mall holds enough affordable formal clothing before he spends more online, he’s sure there’s a few somewhere around Seoul. But, what if Junhee doesn’t want to go? That’d just make things awkward, then Sehyoon would have to go alone and he’d just wasted both his and Junhee’s time, so that’s crossed from the list.

Texting is probably best. That way he doesn’t have to bare the pain and embarrassment when Junhee does reject him, then he’ll have more time to mope in his bed and probably bribe Byeongkwan to get him to be his last minute tag along.

Text message it is. 

**ksy** : _are you awake?_

Yes, because only Sehyoon is at the ass crack of dawn on Tuesday with only his thoughts to blame. 

**jh** : _i am now what’s up?_

**ksy** : _are you saying i woke you up.._

**jh** : _practically. my ringer is loud too_

**ksy** : _you know what.. go back to sleep then complainer_

**jh** : _i said i’m up_

**jh** : _speak before i actually take that offer_

And suddenly it just got hard, he’s internally patting himself on the back for choosing the texting path because how he would’ve choked up in person. He’s stalling with whatever random thought he can surface just for Junhee to fall asleep again and he’ll forget the conversation ever happened and talk Byeongkwan into attending the wedding. He can do that.

**jh** : _sehyoooon_

Too late, Sehyoon. Too late. 

**ksy** : _yeah sorry uh_

**jh** : _uh??_

**jh** : _you text meat 7am just to not finish what you started?_

Yeah, no he’d rather not go through this.

**ksy** : _i forgot.. sorry you can go back to sleep_

**jh** : _i’m wide awake now though.._

**ksy** : _um_

**jh** : _since_ _you_ _suck_ _at_ _conversations_ , _what’re_ _you_ _doing_ _today?_

The plan was to shop for God knows how long until he has class because he has no idea where to get fashionable items and Junhee, well he looks like the closet of millionaire’s son every other day, so Sehyoon assumed he’d know all, but now he isn’t sure what he’s doing today.

All of this was supposed to go down yesterday, Monday, when he still had the chance of ordering something offline if the stores weren’t for him and actually getting it in a reasonable amount of time, but yesterday consisted of him barely making it to his classes, sleeping, for once, because yes, he did cry eventually when he got home, and thinking, thinking a lot, and by time he grew the balls to ask Junhee, the clock said otherwise. So now if he wants something offline he has to pay extra to get it in a the mere hours he has left.

**ksy** : _i had no plans really.. class that’s it_

**jh** : _wanna hang?_

Junhee’s so easy going, like he could care less about anxiety and all the mess in that package, almost carefree, but Junhee isn’t carefree, close, but not there. And Sehyoon thinks that’s what he envies the most about the boy, that he doesn’t care about most things, that he can ask a question and if he’s shot down he isn’t affected and if he is, he does a damn sure good job at hiding it.

**ksy** : _no training today?_

And he didn’t even consider that to begin with, that Junhee could be training and he’d actually have to order something online because he’s clueless when it comes to fashion. He surprises himself sometimes at how he’s even surviving on his half brain cell.

**jh** : _only thursday andfriday this week, trainer has things to do_

**jh** : _i have a lectureat noon_

**ksy** : _well uh.. guess we’re both free after what? say 3?_

**jh** : _pretty much_

**ksy** : _well, what’s the plan?_

**jh** : _was gonna ask you the same thing, i’ll do anything you want :)_

Jot that down on his list too. Junhee puts aside all his personal preferences for Sehyoon and he doesn’t know how to take it, because wherever they go and whatever they do, he doesn’t want to be the only one who’s having a good time. And granted Junhee’s fulfilled by Sehyoon’s joy with his own, but that isn’t what Sehyoon wants, it only makes him feel selfish in the end.

**ksy** : _we always do what i want >:(_

**jh** : _and that’s perfectly okay_

**ksy** : _it isn’t.. i want you to have fun and enjoy yourself too_

**jh** : _but i do, you know that_

**ksy** : _but it isn’t what you want to do_

**ksy** : _don’t argue with me junhee, what do YOU want to do today?_

**jh** : _...._

**jh** : _wait you’re kinda cute all demanding and shit.._

**ksy** : _god.._

**jh** : _ok honestly? i just wanna chill, ya kno? just spend the day with you all relaxed, that sounds really good_

**ksy** : _so._

**jh** : _hmm_

**jh** : _you could come to my place?_

**jh** : _or vice versa i mean whatever works_

That definitely wasn’t in mind. 

What is he supposed to do, say no? He could, but not after complaining that Junhee never chooses the schedule for their days together.

But that’s also a step in their relationship, at least for them. They’ve always hung out at cafés, or the ramen shop, hell they’ve even took it to each other’s cars, but their own homes? That’s a step and it’s Sehyoon time to choose. 

**ksy** : _yeah ok_

**jh** : _ok.. to which?_

**ksy** : _doesn’t matter_

It kind of does because he’d rather not be in the same area as Donghun, he still feels a bit off at his sudden change of aspect on Sehyoon. But Junhee is his best friend and whatever he said worked, obviously, so he’ll deal with it one way or another. 

**jh** : _well i don’t feel like driving_

**ksy** : _ok then what time works best_

**jh** : _whenever you’re ready love_

And Sehyoon takes that just a bit too literally. 

He’s in the midst of procrastination when he begins to worry if Junhee’s actually waiting for him. Granted, it’s only 3:30PM and he still has all the time he wants to take to himself and think, but with Sehyoon, he’ll go the extra mile and let his mind do whatever the hell it wants for however long it desires. He has little to no control to what goes on up there most of the time.

He doesn’t even know what they’ll do once he’s there. _Chill_ as Junhee says, but what the hell does that mean? He hasn’t _chilled_ with someone in years and then, he thought he wouldn’t have to worry about chilling with someone else, because he already had his one and only. Wrong.

He just hates how he didn’t think things could go wrong with Youngho, he thought they would be together forever and everything would be peachy and he’d be happy for as long as he ever lived, but God he was so oblivious.

Just in the blink of an eye, he went home _every_ night with fresh _and_ old marks, none in a good way. He was never the type to hang at his friends’ houses anyway, but Youngho was the exception and Sehyoon never thought he had it in him, that Youngho was capable of possessing a monster. Why would one even think such of their significant other, right? But everyone has their inner demons and Sehyoon just so happened to be the victim whenever Youngho’s was around. 

And Sehyoon trusts Junhee with all his heart, but it’s just the constant reminder that he did with Youngho, his heart was in that man’s hands, he laid so much, all of his trust onto Youngho, but look where that left him. He doesn’t want to think of Junhee as such, but like he said, his mind controls him, _not_ vice versa. 

He’s pacing his room at this point and it shouldn’t be this serious, but the little devil’s back on his shoulder, and it seeks nothing but eternal suffering for him. And it might just win because he’s already laying one foot on his ankle, in preparation to remove his shoes and get back in bed. 

But he stops midway because this is what Junhee wants to do and he complained so much just to come to this conclusion, he’d be a complete douche if he didn’t fufill his boyfriend’s one, _simple_ wish. 

But why should he have to force himself? If he doesn’t want to, then Junhee should understand, right? He’s been old enough to make his own decisions for a while now and he won’t give in and put aside his own fears just for the sake of someone’s feelings... 

Yes he will. He’s going. 

He meets Byeongkwan in the kitchen before he leaves, the boy wouldn’t have paid him any mind, no longer caring about his whereabouts, if Sehyoon hadn’t spoken.

“Hey, uh.” Byeongkwan jumps at the sudden voice and angles to silently scold him for the scare. “What’re your plans this weekend?” 

Sehyoon really doesn’t think he has the courage to actually ask Junhee anymore. They can take another big step some other time, let time develop and enact and then _maybe_ another one of his aunts will get married and for sure, he’ll ask Junhee to be his date. 

“My brother’s coming back from Europe.” He returns to the sandwich he’s preparing. “We’re gonna hang, he wants to go golfing. Why?”

Or not.

Sehyoon’s voice is dripping with nothing but disappointment. “Golfing?”

“Yeah, he’s been gone for three years, Sehyoon, if he wants to golf, then we’ll golf.”

“Do you even know what a golf stick looks like?”

Byeongkwan spins, butter knife in hand, to face Sehyoon. “It’s called a club. And I’ve been golfing before, apparently, you haven’t.”

“Whatever.” He shoos the boy away. “Uh, I’m going out, be back later.” 

“Bring me back a latté?” 

Sehyoon rolls his eyes and Byeongkwan emits a small giggle. “I’ll see what I can do.”

He thinks about going back while making his way to the elevator a few times, then actually does reverse the elevator as he’s inside, he’s sure the on goers weren’t happy about that, but then his mind averts again and he’s working with the stairwell this time because he’d be better off without everyone’s groans and side eyes on the machine.

Then his mind is begging him to turn around in his vehicle but that’s too dangerous in the streets of Seoul and he’s already among the madness of traffic, even if he sided with the devil on his shoulder, the remainder of the city wouldn’t allow it. 

Then Sehyoon remembers... he doesn’t remember where Junhee lives. 

That night at that party is still a blur, including the part where he was sober enough to memorize where Junhee and Donghun’s condo is located. Sure, everyone knows where the expensive homes in Seoul are, but that entire night is just a thick blur and if he tried to get back there on his own now, he’d definitely get lost more than once.

He has to rummage through his bag for his phone while keeping an eye on the road because traffic is in confusion right now and he’d rather not get into it with another car. 

**ksy** : _uhh.. address?_

**jh** : _i thought you’d know whoops_

**ksy** : _yes because despite me tipsy as shit i remember where your filthy rich ass stays_

He follows the address Junhee shares with him and actually does get lost because his GPS is still speaking to him in English after Eunsuh reset its settings out of annoyance with Sehyoon sometime last year, and despite his knowledge in the language, she has a British accent and that’s definitely taken a toll on him time and time again as he uses the device. 

But he gets there nonetheless.

He’s picking at his nails while stuck in his habit of fiddling with his fingers among his wait after barely knocking on the door despite the golden doorbell which caught his eye the second he reached the floor. Should he be this nervous? Maybe, this is a big step after all, still for Sehyoon regarding his state. But he really wants to make a run for it during the wait that’s currently sending his anxiety through the roof. Did Junhee give him the right door number? He made sure to double check before knocking.

The door swings open like whoever’s behind it is in a rush and he steps back a bit in fear of what could come at him, but it’s only Donghun in a robe, face dressed behind a mask and Sehyoon only knows it’s him by his eyes, they watch him widely.

Sehyoon bows with his utmost respect, holding it for a few seconds only to be brought back up to the same expression, neither faded or sharpened, just held there.

“Hi.” He waves and immediately wants to smack his own hand down, feeling uncomfortable should be needless to say. “Junhee told me to—he said I should uh, come over.” 

Donghun pulls the door back some more, allowing him in. “He should’ve told me, I could’ve found somewhere else to go beforehand.” Sehyoon almost feels a pang at his chest replaced his embarrassment at his next comment. “Junhee is _loud_.”

“What?” Donghun leans onto the wall, laughing to himself, then it clicks. “No we weren’t going to—that’s um, we uh—no.”

“It’s okay, I’m not an eavesdropper.” Sehyoon’s at a lost for words and before he can even think of something else, Donghun points down a dimmed hallway. “Down the hall, make a left, first door on your right. And muffle him or something, this soap opera is getting good.”

“No, we aren’t—” and before he gets to anything else, Donghun is on the sofa, legs brought to his chest and the volume on the television raised. 

Sehyoon follows the directions given and as expected, it leads him to a closed door with a slim luster under. Sehyoon’s hesitant on knocking, but he can’t turn back now, not when he’s already reached his destination.

There’s a voice, obviously Junhee’s, from the other side when he does and Sehyoon can’t depict what was said so he doesn’t make another move, only knocking again and Junhee’s tone changes and though Sehyoon still can’t understand what’s being said, he’s obviously annoyed with repeating himself. And Sehyoon’s afraid to knock again so he pushes the door open lightly and Junhee’s already rambling. 

The room is just as Sehyoon expected, giving off the same vibes as simple but with meaning as during their FaceTime session. 

There’s a few more posters plastered around, his line of medals continue for a while before stopping ahead of a shelf that holds a name plate, obviously Junhee’s, a few textbooks, and candles, all above a desk with nothing on the surface. It’s like any other college student, and Sehyoon doesn’t know why he expected different, Junhee’s human just as the rest of them. 

The bed is what takes up majority of the room though and Sehyoon isn’t too sure of the sizes but it could fit a few people, maybe three, but now it’s only occupied by Junhee’s small frame, he’s hunched over a laptop that’s brighter that what his eyes can take, not aware of who’s before him. 

“I told you to leave me alone while I finish this paper. Why don’t you ever listen, hyung? I don’t bother you when you’re busy.” He’s petulant, but still determined to accomplish what’s in front of him.

Sehyoon can’t find the correct words to use and silence is settled for a few seconds until Junhee looks up and jumps, his laptop flying alongside. 

“Oh my God. I almost forgot you were coming.” 

“If you were busy, we didn’t have to hang out today.” He still stands near the door, bracing to head straight out if necessary.

“No,” Junhee whines and shuts the laptop, sliding it onto the vacant desk when he approaches Sehyoon, “I’ll finish it later, it’s alright.” 

He’s starting to feel like a nuisance again. “When’s it due?” 

“Few days, it’ll get done. Come,” he grabs Sehyoon’s hand and he flinches, this is how it went down every time. 

Like he’s being lured into the trap that held him for years. Locked in that room with the inner demon, begging for mercy, receiving none. It makes him sick. 

Junhee notices the action, not sure whether to let go of Sehyoon’s hand or hold tighter. “You okay?” 

Sehyoon’s holding his breath, he’d have his eyes screwed shut if he wasn’t in his right mind, he’s maintaining some control as of now. Junhee looks so innocent, like he doesn’t know what to do with him, but wants to help nonetheless and Sehyoon can’t help but feel bad because this is just deja vu eating at him and he doesn’t want to depict Junhee as his ex, but it’s only coming out as such. 

He only nods and complies when Junhee tells him it’s okay if he got comfortable, take his outerwear off, his eyes frantic and it feels like he’s sweating, he asks where to put his belongings. 

Junhee reaches for his jacket, but his face is scanning Sehyoon’s like a gadget, his hand shaking and Junhee only cocks his head. “What’s wrong?” He can read him, just like a book. 

Sehyoon’s tongue is caught by the force he adapted upon himself whenever it came down to moments like this. When Youngho wanted him to keep quiet because his mate wasn’t out doing who knows what, he probably knew what went on behind the closed door, but whenever he and Sehyoon crossed paths, he acted opposite.

But Junhee is so patient with him, waiting for Sehyoon to regain himself, eyes so reassuring and it only makes Sehyoon want to burst into tears because Junhee’s so perfect and different from the others, but this isn’t the time for such.

“I’m sorry,” he sighs with the response.

“Why?” He rushes to place Sehyoon’s belongings elsewhere before sitting them both on his bed. “What’s going on?”

“I can’t.” He really doesn’t want to sob right now. 

“Can’t what?”

He leans into Junhee’s side absentmindedly and the boy welcomes him promptly. They stay like this until Sehyoon recollects his thoughts, he can’t tell him this right now. They’re supposed to be hanging out, not getting Sehyoon through another one of his episodes, save that for another time. And bottling it back up will only result in more tears, but if it means he gets to avoid it one more time, he’ll take it. 

“Why did Donghun think we were about to have sex.” That falls right now amidst the silence and he feels Junhee’s muscles tense laying on his bare skin, he’s warm, but solid. 

“He what?” Sehyoon doesn’t repeat himself and Junhee moves to the side, holding Sehyoon in place as he excuses himself from the room. 

He can hear the soap opera faintly lose sound and Junhee’s voice projecting through the walls, but the boy returns before Sehyoon can decipher anything being said, yelling once more before slamming the door after him. 

Sehyoon just stares. “That wasn’t the bother, was it? The only other time I’ve had someone over was for sex, hope it makes sense.” 

“It wasn’t, but nevermind that.” Sehyoon only nods afterwards, but truthfully, he could’ve went a lifetime without hearing that.

“You sure? We can talk about it.” 

He doesn’t think Junhee knows what he’s getting himself into. “It’s okay, really.” 

Junhee’s skeptical and his face tells it all, but he shrugs after a staring contest with Sehyoon, tugging on his arm as he pushes himself further onto the bed until they both reach the headboard. 

“Does it really matter what we do? I wanted to watch a movie.” He reaches for the nightstand and points a remote at the flatscreen attached to the wall. 

Sehyoon just shrugs. “It’s all up to you.”

“Do you mind international things? There’s this American film I’ve been aching to see, but Donghun won’t watch with me.” 

“It’s all cool with me, Byeongkwan makes me watch them all the time.”

“Cool.” He perks himself under Sehyoon’s arm, head leveled with his chest, pointing a different remote to a switch on the wall that eventually dimmed the room’s light and Sehyoon has to laugh to himself because Junhee really is insanely privileged.

They stay just like this for a while, matter of fact the entire movie played and they found a drama instead afterwards, so it’s been a _long_ while, but they’re both comfortable needless to say. Junhee nuzzled under Sehyoon, his fingertips on the boy’s bare skin, Sehyoon actually thinks Junhee fell asleep for a few minutes, might’ve been a solid hour had he kept track of time, his chest rising and falling slowly and his limbs gradually losing tension, it’s all so good and _domestic_ until Sehyoon rememberers his sole priority for today. 

And now it’s really nerve wracking because they’re in person, granted one male sleep, but in person and that’s what Sehyoon feared most, but it’s now or never, show up to his aunt’s wedding partnerless and disappoint his mother furthermore. 

Sehyoon angles his head to catch Junhee’s sleeping figure and he’s so flawless Sehyoon is almost scared to bother him. His lips are parted slightly, eyelashes brushed gently over his skin, which has such a even hue, he’s so captivating and Sehyoon wants to drink him all in, but priorities first. 

“Hey,” he says in the most calmest manner he wasn’t even aware he could obtain, but Junhee doesn’t wake and Sehyoon’s afraid to touch him furthermore than where his hands are placed, he looks far too fragile in this state. 

He shifts to get a better view of the boy and that’s when Junhee’s eyes flicker and he’s staring straight through Sehyoon like he’s done something wrong. 

“Where are you going?” His voice isn’t deep and raspy like the FaceTime call, but he almost sounds broken and desperate, a soft, low tone while he readjusts his own body to face Sehyoon. 

“Nowhere, I—uh,” he trails off, but his conscience is urging for him to continue, he can’t run from this. “Can I ask you something?” 

Junhee yawns while nodding, prepping himself on one elbow. “Um, tell me if it’s too much, but would you.. uh,” he swallows and breathes because he might actually choke and once he’s in it there’s no way out. “Do you um—so uh, my uh—,” Junhee watches obviously amused with a faint smile painted across his lips. “You sure this isn’t too much for _you_?” 

He only jokes to relieve Sehyoon’s stress, and it does to some extent, but not enough for him to get the question out without hesitations. 

“So my uh, my aunt—my aunt is getting married on Saturday and this is _really_ last minute because I just found out a few days ago, but my mom really wants me to bring a date and—,” Junhee already senses the remainder of his words because he’s slowly grinning, but not quite. “Uh, would you maybe wanna be my—do you uh—do you wanna come? With me? Be my date? Do you?”

Junhee stares for a few seconds until he’s smiling like an idiot, from ear to ear, partially because it took Sehyoon so much and he knows it’s probably been on his mind and because he’s starting to connect the dots and isn’t this practically meeting his family? It is and he was thinking about it a few some time ago and it’d mean the world and more if they made it there because Junhee doesn’t necessarily know _when_ that part in relationships come, but the fact that it’s here, this is his shot clear as day in front of him, it makes him feel all types of good inside. 

“I know it’s a big step, I mean it’s my family we’re talking about here and I completely understand if it’s too early for you, I just—I’d really like for you to come. No pressure though.” 

“No, it’s just,” and Sehyoon’s expression fades at this and he has to remember what he just said. “No! I mean, yes, I’ll definitely come, but it’s just I didn’t even know _if_ you wanted me to meet your family and the fact that I get to attend a wedding too is amazing.”

Sehyoon sighs and his eyes fall shut, relieved with defeating his fear along with the devil on his shoulder. Now comes the worry of what his loved ones will actually think of Junhee, granted he’s famous and all, but none approved of Youngho, excluding his delusional aunt, and he doesn’t want Junhee to be a replay. But that’s another worry not due until days from now. 

“I’m so glad my schedule is clear. Is there a certain dress code? I have some things in my wardrobe, but they aren’t necessarily wedding attire.” 

Dress code? “Casual? I guess, navy blue’s the color code though. I was really hoping you’d accept my offer because I _need_ to go buy something and I have no idea where to get anything and well—you’re a walking fashion line.” 

Junhee guffaws until his frame smacks the headboard and he’s wincing from pain instead. “I’m glad you think so highly of me, I was told I dress like a bum.” 

“By?” 

“The fool who let you in here. You should see his closet, he’s a Louis Vuitton prodigy.”

Sehyoon’s caught Donghun on campus a few times and he does have to admit the male has exceptional taste in clothing, he has to be one of the top trendsetters at their school, if not biggest. But shopping with Donghun might be a stretch, he’d go online if that’s what it came to. 

“Anyway, I’d rather go today and get this over with. We have time, don’t we?” 

Junhee pivots to his nightstand. “Plenty. Let me put on something.” 

He scans the room for his belongings, “Uh, I have to call my mom for money, can you pass me my bag?” 

“You sound like a high schooler,” his voice projects from inside a closet and Sehyoon almost feels offended. “I’m paying for you.” 

“I can’t let you do that, Junhee.” 

“Well, too bad, it’s happening.” 

“Why? You pay for me all of the time.” 

And that’s true and it only helps with making him feel more like an inconvenience because he can pay for himself in most situations but Junhee usually offers or beats him to the register, but now he already has his offer and Junhee’s butting into that and Sehyoon doesn’t know whether to feel relieved or agitated that Junhee frankly is incapable of minding his own business. 

“Okay and I have no problem with doing so.” He emerges from the closet, stomping his foot into a sneaker. 

He nearly snatches his bag when handed to him. “Okay but I already _have_ money this time, it’s just waiting with someone else. And it isn’t like I’m broke all the other times, you just insist on butting in my situations.” 

“Sehyoon, it isn’t that serious. Just let me pay.”

“But I don’t _want_ you to, what don’t you understand?” 

He turns to face Sehyoon, face with all the impatience. “Call your mom then, I’m not gonna argue with you.” 

“Fine,” he reaches into the bag, finding the phone almost instantly. “I will.” 

It takes a few dials for his mom to answer and Junhee spins in the computer chair by his desk, face towards the ceiling while waiting. 

The lines finally connect. “Speak fast, Sehyoon. I’m with your sister getting resized last minute for the wedding.” 

“Couldn’t you have sent me the money earlier? Why wait until I actually need it knowing you’re busy?” And he doesn’t mean to have the annoyed tone with his own mother, but he’s already impatient wants nothing more than to get this all over with.

“I’ll get it to you tomorrow.” He rolls his eyes until they hit his skull and throws himself backwards onto the bed beneath him. “You shouldn’t have waited this late to get something to wear, Sehyoon.”

“We found out three days ago, mom! What do you want me to do?” 

“Like I said, I’ll get it to you tomorrow.” 

“I don’t even wanna go anymore why can’t you just do it now? This could be the least of your worries right now.” 

“You’re coming whether you like it or not. I have to go, you’ll get the money, Sehyoon.”

And the call is over. He watches the ceiling for a moment until regaining his position upwards. “I guess we can go now.”

Junhee pauses mid opening his bedroom door. “I’m paying, yeah?” 

And Sehyoon needs to understand that it’s not necessarily that Junhee means to get in his business and force his money into everything, but he just has a heart and that’s rare, Sehyoon should cherish it more.

“Yeah, you can pay.” 

His hand falls from the doorknob and meets Sehyoon’s. “And I’ll be sure to ask before assuming from now on, okay? I don’t mean to upset you.”

Sehyoon squeezes his hand in reassurance in response and they’re out for the door, Donghun paying neither any mind while someone’s being scolded on his soap opera.

Junhee drives them to a mall that deems high class and Sehyoon already wants out. It’s clear he doesn’t belong there and Junhee looks like he fits right in, waving and bowing at owners who recognize him from the very inside of their stores. This is what it looks like whenever they’re out with each other, Junhee, an aristocratic, charming _semi_ celebrity who walks with his chest out and head up high, pride as his halo while Sehyoon’s the polar opposite, resident of the fairly middle class, his looks are probably the only thing going for him, but most of the time he’s tripping over his own feet and his fringe falls over his eyes, he probably has a slouch when he walks, also he has no sense of fashion, so let’s say when people look at him just how they should, he isn’t in the least, shocked. 

They’re led into a store with a French name that Sehyoon didn’t have enough time to completely read and then pull up Google Translate for. 

“Uh,” Sehyoon trails behind Junhee, “where are the suits?” 

That’s the only thing he’s ever worn to weddings or any other quote unquote, family outing that his mother forced him and his sister to. But then again, Junhee’s the one with taste here.

Junhee’s already running his fingertips over racks of formal wear. “Suits are too cliché. Unless that’s what you wanna wear. I mean, you’ll look good, regardless.” 

Sehyoon’s ears redden and it’s definitely the compliment, but coming from Junhee, it makes him feel different, special.

“Well thanks for ruining my pride, whatever fits me, maestro.” 

Junhee giggles before tugging on his arm leading him through aisles of formal clothing. There’s some silk button downs, the kinds with the deep V necks, that Junhee makes Sehyoon try on and he cheers for every last article of cloth, insisting on purchasing them all, but Sehyoon won’t let that happen. They find slacks that on Junhee’s half, makes Sehyoon’s thighs look delectable and buys them without ask, and surely, suede brogues that Junhee has to put up a fight to get for Sehyoon because never would he ever see himself wearing such, but if Junhee says he pulls it off, then what else can he say?

“So you’re telling me,” Sehyoon struggles with the gather of bags that contains nothing but clothing all for him, “You get to wear a suit, but I can’t?” 

Junhee pulls one from his arm. “Precisely.” 

“And why is that?” 

“Because,” he bites of the last of the churro he stopped to buy, “it’s your family, not mine.”

“Okay, and you’re still a guest.” 

He spins the bag on his wrist around his waist and back. “I look presentable wherever I go.”

Sehyoon only laughs. “You’re impossible.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the good stuff is coming i promise bare with me my lovelies!!!!


	17. tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is LONG.. get ready

“You nervous?” 

Sehyoon readjusts his frame to slide one hand from the steering wheel to rest on Junhee’s thigh. The wedding is in Busan which isn’t the most convenient for Sehyoon given that the farthest he’s drived in the past few months was at the end of winter break and even then, he’s prone to that drive, so it’s nothing. But he’s only been to Busan a few times before and then, he didn’t even own a permit.

And given the fact that he’s going by his GPS that Junhee had to reset to Korean because with a British woman directing him, there’d be no chance they’d make it. But they’re on the grateful side that neither missed their alarm.

Junhee’s been eyeing the view from the window since he began driving. “I don’t think the nerves are supposed to kick in until we’re there, but yeah.”

“And I’m not supposed to say this until we’re there, but they’re gonna love you.” He grips Junhee’s thigh and the boy only sighs, leaning his head furthermore onto the window. 

Sehyoon thinks he might be just a tad bit more nervous than Junhee, but that’s normal, right? It is _his_ family after all. But something about another one of his boyfriends meeting the people he loves most rubs him the wrong way. Mainly because he’s had so many, Junhee is his third or fourth? Give or take, it’s hard to remember after so many years, but that’s more than a lot for someone like Sehyoon and all the boys before, have failed and disappointed his family endlessly. 

There was one boy that his mother absolutely adored, him and Sehyoon had some chemistry no doubt, but he couldn’t see himself going past a year with the boy, and they ended on a relatively good note when they both went to high school, parting ways. 

But his mother only swooned for the guy because he was small and nice with good manners and his mother was head of the book club she attended every Tuesday. But Youngho was nice, not nearly on the small side, but his manners were exceptional when it came to Sehyoon’s family, and his parents were on decent terms with his mother, so what went wrong? Apparently Youngho gave off _bad energy_ despite his manners, according to Eunsuh and only now can Sehyoon see such, but maybe he’s blind _now_ and what if Junhee exudes an equal anount of _bad energy_? Impossible.. is it?

But Junhee is the nation’s sweetheart, everyone loves him. Youngho is.. a questionable figure at this point, but there’s obviously a difference between him and Junhee, drastically and Sehyoon doesn’t like comparing especially when it comes to his past and current, but he can’t help it, it’s his only form of reassurance when wondering if things are and really will be okay when thinking about present day.

This is what his mind jumps on and off from throughout the entire four hour drive and him telling Junhee will only raise both their anxiety and that’s probably the worst he could ask for out of today. 

Junhee sleeps through the entire ride, laying a certain way that will probably leave him with a crick in his neck later on because he laid his hair styled and it’ll take another two hours to redo, his words. And he’s so breathtaking that Sehyoon has to glance his way every now and then just to remind himself that he really is if not the luckiest, then among those lucky guys around the world.

The destination is _scary_ near because Sehyoon is beginning to see a increase in cars and light decorations on the sidewalks and of course it’s his family who has to go _this_ all out, what else could he have expected? It’s also scary near because his nerves are kicking back in and he has to remove his sleeping hand from Junhee’s thigh to maintain control of the wheel. His family will love him, that’s what he continues to tell himself because they will. 

Junhee senses the loss of warmth on his skin because he shifts in the seat then his eyes peel open and he’s gazing at Sehyoon until he completes the eye contact and he sits up, jaw sweeping the floor at what’s just before them. 

“We’re here?” He flips the mirror down and fluffs his hair. 

“Just about.” 

It takes Sehyoon quite the while to find parking because the ceremony is practically in full swing, they aren’t necessarily late, but his mother might scold him later on. Junhee in the mirror every other second, adjusting his suit while he does and it’s more than visible that he’s nervous and Sehyoon wishes he could be some sort of comfort right now, but he’s just around that feeling himself. 

It’s a garden and beautiful is by far the worst understatement to use. A grand fountain as the centerpiece, everything is decorated just as Sehyoon remembers his aunt to resemble. He’s been to a round of weddings throughout his life, but this has to be the best, no if, ands, or buts. 

The grass is cut so evenly Sehyoon almost thinks it’s artificial. Tents scattered around that are most likely for VIP guests which he would guess who consist of her family, him if he’s lucky, but deeming the fact that she told them all last minute already explains enough. 

Other than that slight dilemma there’s waiters hustling around with hor d’oeuvres in attire that probably costs more than his college tuition, Sehyoon can spot them dazzling way from the window of his car and it makes him sit and wonder whoever the hell is aunt married must be worth of fortune, she really hit jackpot. 

Him and Junhee walk side by side, hand in hand and a welcome sign coated in a vibrant yet subtle bouquet of Chrysanthemums greets them, Sehyoon could recognize them even a mile away, they’re his favorite. 

Junhee is clinging to him and squeezing his hand until it’s rock solid, cold, and begging for proper blood circulation, it would have been wrong if Sehyoon hadn’t stopped them both right before the madness of the guests. 

“Hey.” Junhee is still holding onto him like he’s his final breath of fresh air. “Look at me.” And when their eyes lock Sehyoon is met with the most fearful he’s ever seen Junhee and he isn’t necessarily sure how to approach him without victimizing himself in the process of. 

“It’s okay to be nervous, I can’t tell you not to, but they will absolutely love you, believe me.” Sehyoon smiles and Junhee averts his gaze back to the paved stones below them.

“Okay?” Sehyoon shakes their clasped hands and Junhee only nods, he can’t force him to speak, but if this is the best he can get out for now, he’ll take it. 

The first few people they meet are family friends, doing more than enjoying themselves with a few drinks in hand, they greet Sehyoon warmly, and with all thanks to the tinted shades Junhee insisted he wore, no one acknowledges him, some bow out of pure respect, but there couldn’t be a single eyebrow raised at who stands behind the pair of frames.

The nerves on both men have worn off for the best and Junhee’s loosening up, even parting from Sehyoon to mingle with a few of his relatives, mostly over his sense of fashion, where he got the shades from, could he give them a discount or some form of promo code at a store, where to find a cheaper version of his shoes, it’s insane how even with the bare minimum, Junhee still manages to turn heads. 

It’s only when Sehyoon finds his mother chatting with his cousin that he realizes it’s time. He has to force his relatives to cut the conversation short with Junhee to drag him to the side, giving them both the time to mentally _and_ physically prepare for the moment that could potentially define their future together. Junhee brings the shades from his face and into his pocket, following after Sehyoon, hand in hand once again, as they approach the woman he might as well fear most. 

He wears his most presentable smile. “Mom.” 

She’s a beautiful woman, that’s the first thing Junhee can think of when she turns to face them both. Could be somewhere around middle age, but you couldn’t tell unless you really analyzed her every feature. The dots are connecting when he breathes to take a glance at Sehyoon then back to the woman. 

“Oh, my son!” She places her drink on the table beside them, cupping Sehyoon’s face as she kisses his forehead and he whines, using his free hand to smear it off. “You look handsome, as always. But did you dress yourself? Byeongkwan did always have nice taste in fashion.” 

“Very funny.” She smiles at her tease and his reaction. “But I actually didn’t, we both know that would’ve been an utter mess, you know me.”

She giggles with a hand over her mouth, agreeing silently. “Oh?” Her gaze shifts to Junhee and he stiffens, it’s all but intimidating. “Who’s this?” 

Junhee would really like nothing more than Sehyoon to introduce him, he might choke on nothing and that would be the absolute worst first impression, but he only squeezes Junhee’s hand in reassurance and wow, this is his turn to speak.

“Hello.” He bows an entire ninety degrees and he’s sure a few bones crack in the process. “I’m Junhee, a pleasure to meet you.” He holds his hand out for her to shake and with all his relief, she completes.

“Nice to meet you, Junhee.” He’s doing good, right? “And you’re here as my son’s..?” 

Wait. 

His jaw falls a bit and he shakes Sehyoon’s hand slightly because truthfully, would it be his place to announce their title to his mother? And if he avoids it with the _good_ _friend_ card, would it upset Sehyoon? Maybe Sehyoon already told his mother and she just wants to hear from Junhee himself, for clarification. Maybe not.

“Mom,” he kicks his feet, biting on that part inside his cheek. “Junhee is uh—this is my,” she only watches, her eyes with nothing but question. “Mom, Junhee is my boyfriend.” 

Junhee can’t tell if her eyes read disappointment or relief, he’ll pray to whatever god for the latter. 

But her voice is almost excited. “What about your Youngho?” 

“Mom.” He peers over his shoulder though there was no one in ear’s reach. “Not now.”

She shrugs. “If you insist, but I’m just so glad you decided to move on. I’m sorry, my dear, but wasn’t that boy the worst? I wanted you happy and as long as you were I had no worries, but he was just—” 

“Mom.” 

It’s evident she wants to continue and apparently has no filter with that, but Sehyoon looks like he could almost cry if she did, so she turns on her heels to see if anyone’s around and when there’s no one she turns back, staring straight through Junhee. 

“Junhee,” she let’s the name linger. He doesn’t have a clue as to what to say. “I’m sorry, but you just look so familiar.” 

Sehyoon knows he would’ve been better off with the shades on, but it’s about respect and first impressions and so far, Sehyoon thinks he’s made one being that his mother is already commencing small talk with the boy.

“Ah, I run track. I also attend the same school as Sehyoon.” And he definitely isn’t one to boast about his fame unless necessary, so he’s afraid that if she figures it out, so will the others and soon it goes from the wedding of his non-relative to his personal meet and greet.

Then her lightbulb goes off. “You’re that pretty boy!” There’s one way to put it. “My daughter watches you on television! You’re a Usain Bolt prodigy!” In the making, respectively.

He smiles and depicts that Sehyoon is far after tired with this conversation and the woman in front of him from the corner of his eye. 

“Thank you.” She’s now beaming at him. “Did my son ask you out? He’s too much, isn’t he?” 

Now that she knows how much Junhee obtains, she won’t let this live down. And it hits Sehyoon right where it hurts that she suddenly thinks so lowly of her own flesh and blood, that he isn’t worthy of someone like Junhee and the only way they could’ve eneded up in a relationship was through him nagging, being a complete pain when she knows better than anyone that he’s far from that. He wants to go home. 

“No, actually.” And she’s obviously taken aback. “With all due respect, I like your son a lot. He’s a great person and he makes me very happy, I don’t know what I’d do without him.” 

It almost looks like that’s hard for her to swallow as it is the truth, but she does.  

She sighs. “You know,” he doesn’t know who she’s talking to at this point. “I thought he would bring his best friend because I could not _stand_ his past boyfriend, the worst. Anyone but him, but _this_ ,” she gestures to Junhee’s structure, “this is the complete upgrade! You’re all the handsome, you have something going for you, and manners? I love someone with manners.” 

Youngho _had_ manners. 

And just when Sehyoon is ready to leave, maybe sit in his car until the important part of the ceremony, she says what really eventually stings in the long run. “Thank you for allowing my son into your life, Junhee. I promise he will be good to you.” 

What could he have expected? For her to treat Junhee like a normal person? Out of all people on this damned earth. But it’s her true colors showing at this point and she _does_ hold such little faith in her child that it makes him think back on how much he must’ve failed her in the past that she has to avert to the decision that her son is undesirable and doesn’t deserve someone like Junhee. 

And Junhee could put up a fight against those words, but again, first impression. “And I promise to be the best man I can be to him. Thank you for bringing such a beautiful person into this world, for that I am forever grateful.” He gives her a final bow before Sehyoon pulls them elsewhere without word. 

“Well,” he leads them to the bar and grants himself more than enough to hold until it’s time for them to depart. “She likes you, a _lot_.”

Junhee nudges his side, a faint pout on his lips. “Don’t say it like that.”

“But she does, that’s what we wanted right? I mean everyone else here does too, but now that she knows who you are? Let’s say you’re better off with the shades back on.”

Noted. He pulls them from his pocket. “Sehyoon.” 

His eyes shift from the glass to Junhee, yet he only repeats his name. “Yeah?” 

Then Junhee smiles. His cat smile, he doesn’t even need to explain it anymore, it leaves him swooning every time. 

“I like you.” He leans into him, Sehyoon backing away only to maintain his balance. “Okay? Yes, I know.” 

“I like you, a _lot_.” He holds the same tone as Sehyoon mere moments back. 

Sehyoon laughs into his glass. “Why are you saying this?” 

“Just felt like I should tell you, a little reminder.” 

What exactly did Sehyoon do to deserve him? It’s the little things that make him lose his mind and feel for Junhee more than he thought his heart could obtain. His mother may suck, in a way that she most likely doesn’t realize and if she does, doesn’t care, but if it’s _really_ her true colors, Sehyoon can’t change that and he’ll eventually learn to deal with and accept that this is how and what his mother thinks of him. It’ll be alright. 

Though the wedding itself has began around roughly a few hours ago and Sehyoon’s soles are aching and he wants nothing more than to lay in his own bed and fall right asleep, the actual ceremony takes place as everything begins to calm. 

His aunt is stunning, per usual, but today she looks especially like the girl he used to play in the lawn with when they were younger, the one who pretend dressed up as a bride and married her korean version of the American Girl doll pretending it was her elementary school crush, and though she does have a few years on Sehyoon and the memories are a bit foggy, he remembers the joy on her face and the dream as her halo and it actually gives him emotion that he hadn’t obtained in a while seeing her live the fairytale dream she always wished for. 

Just as expected, her husband is some French fashion designer who she met while in Europe and they definitely seemed to hit it off deeming where he sits now watching them both fall in love all over again. 

They’re inside a greenhouse for the reception and if you asked Sehyoon, he checked every corner twice for hidden plants because nothing radiated _green earth, I smell like everything your garden wishes it was_ , but the utter opposite if he has to say. The lights are at a slight dim and the floor’s a decked out marble, it actually smells like champagne and vanilla in his opinion, it felt like high school prom, but not on an exact budget and more drunks, way more drunks. 

Sehyoon greets Eunsuh for the first time today at the reception since she had bridesmaid duties and after the ceremony it took her minutes upon hours to change into more comfortable and presentable wear. 

“You look—like you didnt dress yourself,” is the first thing she comments on when they cross paths. 

He bites back. “And it’s a little disappointing for me to know you did.” 

“Always good to see you, my lovely brother.”

“Please,” he scoffs. “We don’t have to be _that_ formal, get a grip.”

“Just thought I’d show a new side of me.” She makes her way to a waiter carrying cannolis. “Heard your new boyfriend’s here.”

Of course his mother ran her mouth before him. “Park Junhee?” She’s stuffing her mouth with him as her blockade. “Don’t think I’ll believe it until I see it.” 

And she revealed to their family and friends and potentially, the rest of South Korea his identity as well. Great. 

Which speaks for why Junhee is no longer in arm’s reach of Sehyoon. He does a round of 360s in search of, finally landing on a small mob that surrounds someone only he really knows.

It’s more so around seven people, give or take a few, but that’s enough to take the spotlight away from his aunt and that’s what he feared most, also the last thing he wanted out of this. All with his mother to thank.

He wounds himself up in the midst of the mob and latches his hand onto Junhee, bowing towards everyone as he drags him towards the corner where Eunsuh still waits.

“Keep the shades on, will you?” Sehyoon pulls them from his blazer’s pocket, forcing them over his eyes. 

“Your mom approached me, she said I looked better without them.” Of course she did.

“Yeah, well unless you’d like for my aunt to have the worst night of her life, I suggest you cover that pretty face of yours up.” 

Which could possibly be no use given that everyone’s aware of who’s behind them, but he’ll give them all a word when Junhee isn’t looking, he can’t afford to be the cause of a disaster wedding.

They meet Eunsuh and she tilts her head at Junhee then nods, holding her hand out, obviously not needing her older brother to do the work. “I’m Eunsuh, this fool’s little sister.” 

He completes the gesture. “It’s an honor to meet you. I’ve heard quite the stories about you.” 

One of which Sehyoon used as a cover up the night after his accident.

She smiles softly. “All of which I hope are good.”

“Well, you might want to verify with him about that,” he holds his hands up in surrender. “I have no further comment.” 

She rolls her eyes at Sehyoon, he fake gags. “I hope my family isn’t too much, you know, superstar and all.” 

“It’s a bit overwhelming if I should say, but they’re all delights to be around.” 

She faces Sehyoon. “He’s lying.” Then turns to Junhee. “You’re lying, we hate every last one of them.” 

“Not true,” Sehyoon comments. “That one uncle of ours tells the best stories, he also gives out money for no good reason.”

“You have a point,” she raises her fingers to her chin. “We should definitely start learning names.” 

“Noted.” And they both laugh. “I’d love to entertain you some more, Eunsuh, but I think we should all enjoy the party some more, toodle along now.” 

He shoos her away and she only stomps at him, brushing his shoulder with attitude while getting herself lost in the crowd of bodies. 

They follow in her path not too long after, dancing on occasions, mostly grabbing whatever a new waiter rushes past them with, all but a few tasting like appetizers for the wealthy class. 

Sehyoon met his aunt’s husband. He actually approached Sehyoon after admitting that he’d been eyeing his outfit all evening, wondering where he purchased such. Sehyoon being the mess that he is stuttered over all but his greeting, including the part when he tried to recall the name of the clothing store he barely understood in the first place and Junhee had to step in, explaining his entire outfit from head to toe, even granting them all the knowledge down to the type of fabric each item of clothing was made out of, his aunt’s husband, Louis, was astonished, to say the least. And after learning Junhee’s place in the celebrity world, he got his contact information, promising to work with him in the future.

The reception was amazing and Sehyoon actually doesn’t think he’s had this much fun in a long _long_ time, but his body and the hor d’oeuvres take a toll on him and he’s drained yet full at the same time and even after sitting in a VIP tent which actually _was_ for him, chair had his name on it and everything, he still feels like a balloon in the process of deflating. He could call it a night and suggest they go home, but Junhee’s still living it up, dancing with whoever brushes past him, he’s probably a bit tipsy and Sehyoon will have to deal with that later, but it’d be pure cruelty if he crashed his fun with his Debbie Downer antics.  

“You okay?” Junhee enters the tent, pulling up a chair in front of Sehyoon. 

“Yeah, one hundred percent. Just needed a break that’s all.” 

Junhee continues to stare wordlessly and the hor d’oeuvres are _really_ starting to take a toll on him, he’s just then nauseous. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, wherever that is.”

“Is everything okay?” Junhee senses the worry in his voice. “Do you need me to come?”

“No, no. Everything’s fine. I’ll be back, continue enjoying yourself.” 

He nods, reluctant in letting him go alone, but he could dance some more before it’s time for their party to end, he’s never had this much fun in Seoul. 

Eunsuh emerges from God knows where before he can leave the tent the second Sehyoon leaves and a chair almost takes Junhee out from the startle. 

She’s staring at him with fire in her eyes and he has to rewind the entire night to recall on anything he might’ve done wrong.

“Can I help you?” He holds the calmest yet fearful and confused tone.

“Come with me.” She grabs his sleeve, he isn’t sure where this is going until she leads him far from the party where there’s mostly silence.

She faces him. “Why.”

He’s taken back at the sudden demeanor change, almost like she was putting up the angel voice when Sehyoon was around.

“I’m sorry, what?” He doesn’t mean to come off as rude, but he thinks he has every right to be lost right now.

“You heard me, why.”

“I—I really don’t understand.”

“I don’t know if everyone else here is too drunk to realize or just flat out nuts, but it seems too suspicious that you, out of all, people, would date _my_ brother.” Her arms are folded over her chest as she waits. “And don’t get me wrong, he’s a beautiful boy with a lot for him, but you?”

His head tilts a bit. “Is something wrong with him?” 

“Is something wrong with _you_? Are you doing it because he has a pretty face? Is that all you want him for? Tell me now so I can end your life, I’m capable of doing so too.”

“Wow,” he doesn’t mean to think out loud. “Everything makes sense now when he told me about the fight you guys got in, you’re a tough one.”

“What?” It’s her turn to fail at connecting the dots. “When was this?” 

“Uh, winter break? Your hand has to be at least double of mine,” he holds his to the air. “I didn’t think someone could be capable of a slap like that. And the way you choked hi—”

“Winter break? We didn’t get into a fight, just what are you talking about?” 

He believes they’re equally confused now. “I could be asking you the same thing?” 

“I just came to make sure you’re suitable for my brother. I can’t have just anyone dating him, but I know you’re good. But about this fight, we rarely fight, I can recall the last few times it happened and it had to be at least years ago.” 

“So, did he lie to me? I’m lost.” 

“Exactly _when_ did he tell you this? I need an exact day.” 

Junhee stares at the sky until it clicks. “After his accident, just a day after. He got into the accident the day we returned from winter break and the marks seemed pretty raw.” 

“Did someone beat him up?” She drops into a crouch, the moonlight projecting her baffled face. “Couldn’t have been, he dropped me off at Mina’s,” she’s clearly talking to herself because Junhee has no idea who that is. “Wait, he came. I remember now, he came over! That son of a bitch I’ll kill him. I told Sehyoon he was no good, we all did, he knew he was no good.” 

“I hate to chime in, but who?” 

She rises, baffle replaced with worry. “You guys are—serious, right? How long have you been dating?” 

“Roughly two months, why?” 

“Has he told you anything? Sensitive? I guess.” 

Should he even be telling her this? “Just the whole thing with his ex, you know what happened right?” She is his sister, after all.

“No, no that’s not it.” She bites her tongue because it isn’t her place _at_ _all_ to say a single thing. “Anything else?”

“No? I don’t know? Should he have?”

She throws her hand over his face, wiping sloppily until her makeup smudges. “Junhee, I’m saying this because I care about my brother so much, and now you. I want you both really happy in the end, okay?” 

“Okay?”

“Just—take your time with him. These things, he doesn’t even know I know and I’m his sister. Be patient, that’s all I can say.”

“But,” she’s dragging him back towards the fun before he can get anything else out and disappears like nothing happened. 

Now he’s more confused than ever before. He’s done with dancing, he just wants to know what the fuck just went down. The whole _I need to make sure you’re the right guy for my brother_ thing made sense, but everything afterwards seemed to go south and he doesn’t even know where to start.

He thought he _was_ being patient with Sehyoon, Junhee’s always patient with him. Now, he can’t say if they’ve been taking things slow because there isn’t one set pace for all couples in the world, right? That he isn’t too sure of either, but that’d just be impossible. They’re going at a relatively normal, comfortable rate. He thinks. 

But what things? What things does he know that Junhee doesn’t? That Eunsuh doesn’t? How could she just leave with nothing more? Did she drops hints? Junhee thought he was smart, but now, his brain wasn’t prepared for this. Maybe it’s the drinks, he did have a few. 

Sehyoon returns before he can find Eunsuh and get more of an explanation, granted if he would get one or not, but it was worth more than a try. 

“Ready to go?” He spoke before Sehyoon could even inhale. 

He looks tired. “What? Are you not having a good time anymore?”

“No, I am. Everything’s great and all, but my feet kind of hurt.” Lies, he’s ran for an hour straight once with little to no stops, his feet were fine. 

Sehyoon glances at him from bottom to top. “Says the soon to be Olympian.” 

“My head also hurts a bit, too. I drank a little much.” 

“Only if you want to,” he submerges from the tent with his belongings. “Let me find my mom.” 

Junhee follows Sehyoon around while he bids farewell to all his loved ones. Louis catches Junhee one more time before their departure and ensures that he’ll get in contact with his agent about a collaboration. The walk from the greenhouse back to Sehyoon’s car seems dreadful this time.

Sehyoon sighs in the seat the second he’s settled. “In conclusion, I still hate my family.”

“They aren’t that bad.” 

“Yeah? Wait until you’re invited to more family outings.” 

_Wait_. Can he still wait at this point? After what Eunsuh said? Wait is more of a disappointing word now, he doesn’t like it. 

He doesn’t feel like voicing anything else. The more he speaks, the more he’ll have to wait for God knows what. He wish he knew.

So Junhee sleeps for half the ride, according to the GPS and it’s the memory of Eunsuh and the worry on her face that wakes him up, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to get it out of his head, for a while at least.

That’s just the kind of person Junhee is. You can’t tell him not to do something, that only gives him more temptation. You can’t tell him something’s bad, he’ll only convince himself otherwise. And you _can’t_ tell him to wait, not after this, he can’t wait. 

But it might ruin whatever they have if he can’t, so he tries his hardest to contain himself, just until him and Sehyoon are no longer in the same space.

_He_. That’s all Eunsuh continued to say. Who is he and what the hell did he do? 

Lightbulb. Time really does sober you up.

He. If Eunsuh didn’t leave Sehyoon like that after winter break, then someone else did, obviously. He. She connected the dots somehow, granted she does know more than Junhee ever will, living under the same roof as Sehyoon and all, but _he_ did something. And Junhee isn’t the one to pinpoint, but he can’t be dumb enough not to come to the conclusion that _he_ was the one that did damage to Sehyoon’s beautiful face. 

Point Junhee.

But he has to wait, right? Sehyoon will tell him all about it later on. Whenever later on is. But this happened four months ago, how much longer should he wait? How much longer does he have to wait? What if Sehyoon doesn’t plan on telling him anything?

He clears his throat. Sorry Eunsuh. “Uh, Sehyoon?” 

“Hmm?” 

Why is it always when he fucks up, he doesn’t have time left to turn back? 

“Um... winter break, you remember, right?”

“How could I forget? The stitch scar reminds me every morning. What about it?”

Junhee wants to tell him he looks beautiful even with the scar, but that might guide their conversation a different direction and though it could give Junhee time to hold a subject change, Sehyoon won’t forget his initial reason of the bother. 

“But, it was more than a stitch scar.”

“What do you mean?” 

He bites his top lip. If the car could split open, just for a second, only for the ground swallow him whole, that would be very much convenient right now.

“Remember how you told me you and Eunsuh got in a fight. And she hit you, really hard, choked you too, if I’m recalling correctly.” Of course he is. 

Sehyoon shows zero signs of the worry Eunsuh wore earlier. “Where are you getting with this?”

He blurts this part out faster than expected. “She didn’t do that, did she?” 

“What?” 

He has to make something up that would make enough sense for him not to give away that Eunsuh already spoiled that part. Quick. 

“It’s just—you guys seem to get along so well. Even if you were to fight, how bad could it have been during the only times she gets to see her brother, that she’d apparently choke you to near death and slap you so hard that your face would bruise for weeks. Sehyoon, I noticed it all.”

On a roll, Junhee.

“You also tower over her like a building, she can’t reach that high, can she?” 

Sehyoon’s grip on the wheel tightens to the point where Junhee can hear the leather begging for help. Only Sehyoon doesn’t answer. 

“Sehyoon, who did that to you? And why did you lie to me?” 

“It doesn’t cornern you.” 

“Yes it does.” His pitch raises slightly. “It cornerns me a lot, it hurt me to see you like that. What do you mean it doesn’t concern me? And even if it didn’t then, why not now?"

Sehyoon ignores for a second round and Junhee let’s him think he’s won, holding the silence for a few until Sehyoon turns the radio on. He does the opposite almost instantly. 

“What is wrong with you?” Sehyoon only spares him a side glance, it’s obviously harder for him to drive when night emerges.

“ _He_ did it. He came over to your house and did that to you. And you said it was your sister.” 

Sehyoon swallows. “How do you know that?”

As much as he would like to hide Eunsuh from trouble, he could never manipulate Sehyoon. 

“How else? I don’t know why, but Eunsuh told me. Who is he, Sehyoon?”

“Why? Why did she say something? Can’t she mind her fucking business, for once please? We shouldn’t have gone, she ruins everything.” The car swerves a bit when he rambles.

“Did you plan on telling me this? Ever?”

“Yes. No. It’s just—it’s too much.” 

“Well I’m here now, time means nothing.” 

No escape route now. No way to brush it off and screw the top back on that bottle, hoping that Junhee would ignore and eventually forget. He ignored for the time being, that’s for sure.

Only Byeongkwan’s heard this, and not even the story at that, he watched him go through it and _suffer_. Junhee will be the first and hopefully, last he’ll ever have to bring this up with. 

He has to keep his feelings in check. He has to. 

He focuses on the road, just to ensure that he’s got this in the bag. He may have to pull over later on though, he can feel the tears swell at the base of his throat and as much as he’d like to get them home, it may take a few detours, he’d like to get them there in one piece.

He has nothing to fiddle with and his cheek is raw and sore from previous occasions, he has nothing to distract him anymore. “Junhee, I’m scared.” 

Junhee averts from his forceful character to the boy who tends to his every dilemma, he places both his hands on Sehyoon’s thigh. “Did I go overboard? I’m sorry, baby. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I won’t force you, okay?” 

“No, but I feel like I need to!” He doesn’t mean to yell, but it’s either that or choke on the tears aching to spill. “I’ve been holding this conversation off for so long. You told me everything about you and I can’t even give you half of me, I have no excuse.” 

“Yes you do, Sehyoon. If you aren’t ready, then it won’t happen.” 

“But I _need_ to Junhee. I don’t know when I’ll be ready, or _if_ I will!” He’s already crying, his vision is slowly blurring. “If I push this back _again_ , you’ll keep worrying and I’ll feel like shit because I can’t do this and I don’t know if that’ll ruin us.” 

“Pull over.” Sehyoon’s slowly but surely losing control of the vehicle and complies to Junhee’s command. He rests his head on the wheel once done.

He hears the seatbelt unbuckle and Junhee peels him from the steering wheel and leans him into his side, despite the armrest console, it works. 

“Nothing will ruin us, you hear me? Nothing. I don’t care if you don’t tell me whatever this is about, if you don’t want to, what can I do about that?” It’s only that Junhee does care, more than a lot, too much.

He holds Sehyoon until he manages to contain the remainder of his tears. Silence grows upon them. 

Sehyoon sniffs. “Youngho.” 

His name is Junhee though. “What?”

“My ex,” he wipes at the stray tears. “Youngho.” 

“Okay,” there’s the patience in Junhee’s voice again. 

“Um, he,” Sehyoon sits up and goes straight for his own fingers. “He wasn’t a good person, at all. He was terrible and I hate him so much.” 

Junhee doesn’t respond because there’s obviously more, his ears only open for what’s left to say.

“We dated since senior year in high school. We were friends prior to, met in middle school, I think? I’ve known him for a really long time and to be honest, I thought I had it made, it’s embarrassing. You know, like the high school sweetheart shit? I just knew I had that. I was so _happy_.”

“But no matter what he did, my family hated him. Mostly my mom, then Eunsuh and my grandparents and it kind of just escalated to the rest gradually. He wasn’t invited to any of our special occasions, but I took him anyway because I didn’t care what they thought, I was happy and if that got their disapproval, then oh well. I didn’t need them in my life, only him.”

“Thinking about it now, they might’ve been my early wake up call, like they knew it wouldn’t work out,” he forced a laugh from his closing throat and Junhee only stared. 

“Anyway, I was just content, with everything. I’m at this school _because_ of him, this wasn’t my dream college, but I couldn’t bare the thought of being away from him for so long. That’s how in love I was and I hate throwing that term around now because he ruined it for me, I loved him, I really did, but it was one sided, and that probably hurts the most thinking back on everything.” 

“This is my first time telling this story,” he adds. “Ever.” 

Junhee has no room to think and cherish how much this means to him, he only wants to listen to Sehyoon right now, nothing more.

“I met Byeongkwan freshman year, he was the best friend I never had. Him and Youngho got into this huge fight when he just started getting so—so possessive. He didn’t like the idea of me rooming with someone I enjoyed, I didn’t see the problem obviously, but he did everything he could to tear me away from Byeongkwan.” 

“From that point forward they had bad blood and it was like I was at Youngho’s dorm every day and night because he didn’t want me with him. For my entire first year, I probably got to my dorm at least three times a month, that’s it.” 

“But it was okay because I still loved Youngho and if this made him content, so was I.”

“Everything was okay, I guess. I mean then I thought it was amazing. We got through sophomore year together and I just knew for sure that we’d be together forever, he was my one and only and I could never let anyone even try to come before that.” He’s biting at his cheek again, no matter how sore it is, “Then the shit hit the fan.” 

“His possessiveness became more prominent last school year? It went from forcing me to hang with him and him solely which I didn’t have a problem with, it was great, to insulting people in public, for smiling at me. Insulting to assaulting people in public for complimenting me, just showing any kind of respect and I have to laugh at this part because what the fuck would’ve been the outcome had the opposite happened? Did he want people to step over me like I was nothing? Guess that wasn’t possible giving he fulfilled that duty himself.”

Sehyoon went quiet, like the word died in the middle of his throat and Junhee doesn’t want to push anything because he looks like he’s trying to surpress a cry, but they’re in too deep right now, he wouldn’t be able to think and operate properly if he left it at this. 

“What do you mean,” the words came out in a statement, he was entirely invested in this. 

Sehyoon has his face parallel to the ceiling and Junhee knows south is this only way this is bound to go, but Sehyoon speaks before he can change his mind on finding out.

“It got really bad,” it almost comes out like a sob, he throws his hand over his mouth. “I couldn’t smile at people, let alone speak to them without him being—insane about it.” 

“We were at the convenient store and the cashier called me pretty, I was scared to answer because I didn’t want a person who meant no harm to wound up hurt, but ignoring would only be rude and my mother didn’t raise me that way, no matter how much influence Youngho had over me. So I thanked her and he said nothing, did nothing, and that was the turning point. I thought _okay_ _he_ _doesn’t_ _care_ _anymore_ but boy, was I wrong.” 

“We got back to his place and he,” he let’s their atmosphere go silent while regaining his person, breathing slowly for around a minute or so until continuing. “He hit me. That was the first form of abuse I’ve ever experienced, sure my parents would spank me whenever I did wrong when I was younger, but this was different.” 

“He held me against the wall with his forearm over my windpipe, I couldn’t breathe, at all. And he just continued to slap me and inflict any pain necessary until he thought it was enough. I wish I didn’t remember this, but it’s still so vivid, like it happened yesterday.” 

He was near hyperventilation despite the breathing exercises prior and Junhee went for his hand, doing whatever he could to comfort. 

“I was so scared, Junhee.” He bursts at that, his voice cracking then dying on his name. And Junhee’s seen Sehyoon cry plenty of times, he’s adapted ways to deal with his state, but this was different. A complete 360. He inhales to speak a few times but it only resulted in him coughing then crying more, like he couldn’t breathe. 

“And it only got worse,” he manages to get out. “He threatened to kill me sometimes. I left his place limping every night, praying that Byeongkwan wouldn’t notice and if he did, ignore it at all costs. But he didn’t, he’s my best friend, what could I have expected? He nagged until I let him in on what went on, he wanted to tell someone, call the police every time I returned to the dorm with a black eye, or a bruised rib cage, but I didn’t let him. Because I still loved Youngho, and I still wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, even if that was cut short because of him.”

“God, I was so stupid.” 

He hits the wheel and the horn honks before resuming his tears. Junhee can only watch and rub circles into the back of his palm and that pains him to do because Sehyoon needs more, it’s evident. He leaves the passenger side, watching the road for vehicles and gets Sehyoon from the drivers seat, turning the car off in the process of and moving them both to the back seats. 

Like second nature, Sehyoon falls into his arms when they’re both seated. His sobs intensifying at the embrace. Junhee rocks them back and forth, combing through Sehyoon’s hair with his fingers and he doesn’t know if it’s enough for _this_ Sehyoon, but continues nonetheless. 

“I don’t know what I did wrong. It wasn’t like I would ever leave him, he knew that. But why did he feel the need to own me like that? There were times when I actually felt like I was dying, and not because I cried all night, hours upon hours of him damaging me, leaving me beaten and bruised like it was a personality trait. No, because it felt like he was killing me, like that was his objective. He told me I deserved it every time—and I believed him.” 

Junhee cuts him off almost immediately, “No. No, you didn’t.”

“But I did,” he bites back and Junhee only realizes then how damaged he his, Youngho’s still in his mind, eating at him and he doesn’t think Sehyoon’s aware of that. “I did because everything he told me was true. I wasn’t desirable and people only pitied me and my mom, her just enforcing that earlier only means it was true, and it still is.”

“And that’s why I fear this, Junhee. Us.” Junhee’s heart sinks to the base of his feet. “I don’t know how to fix myself, I don’t how I fucked up, so how can I prevent this from happening again?”

“Sehyoon, no. I’m not him—”

“And that’s the worst part. Everything’s unpredictable again and I live in this constant fear that things will go how my conscience wants it to. You think I knew he would go from the boy who swept me off my feet to a fucking monster? If I did, trust me I would’ve left a _long_ time ago.” 

He continues as Junhee opens his mouth. “Junhee, I know you aren’t him. And I want to believe that you wouldn’t do those things, but give me time.” And that’s exactly what Eunsuh means. “Please? I know you’re a good person, but it’s my conscience. I’m really sorry. Don’t let this come between us.”

Junhee has to admit it does hurt a little, but he, in no way, will blame Sehyoon. He’s scarred and only time will heal those open wounds, it’s just his job to tend to them. 

“It could never,” he caresses Sehyoon more as he releases the rest of his cries, which goes on for nearly half an hour, he rambles more about how blind and stupid he is, until his words gradually fall quieter and he’s only sniffling every other minute in his arms. 

He slips himself from under Sehyoon’s hold that he possessed while clinging onto him during his tears, and he’s still awake, now rocking himself from the loss of contact as Junhee finds his place in the drivers seat. He’s sober enough to get them home with little to no problems. 

He checks behind him at every given opportunity and even when they reach Seoul, he’s still rocking himsef from side to side, it pains Junhee that he has to suffer like this. 

They're on route to Sehyoon’s place, but something guilts him if he let’s him go up there alone and ends their day just like this. Granted Byeongkwan’s there and just as much comfort to him as Junhee, even more, but it doesn’t sit well with him to end this night with Sehyoon still rocking himself to sleep, he still wants to do more. 

He hopes this is the right decision. 

“Hey.” He turns to Sehyoon, still awake, at a red light.

“Mmm,” his hum is raspy and as much as Junhee would like to leave him alone because he’s done more than enough talking to hold for a while, he has to get this out. 

“You think Byeongkwan is up?” It’s going 3AM. 

“Doubt it.” Junhee has to turn the GPS off because she’s still talking and he knows where they are now, and Sehyoon’s barely audible.

The light turns green. “Stay over?”

He can hear Sehyoon adjust himself. “Your place?” 

“Only if you want, we’re almost to yours anyway.” 

It goes silent and Sehyoon actually thinks he might’ve fell asleep but he’s only staring at the front seat when Junhee checks through the mirror. It was worth the try. 

“Okay.” 

Junhee faces him at another red light. “Okay?” 

“Yeah.” 

He’d rather not be alone tonight anyway.  


	18. without you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really sorry this update took forever :( i’ll be sure to update the next faster to make up for it!

Sehyoon has to be grateful. 

Grateful that someone genuinely cares about him other than Byeongkwan because it sure wasn’t himself. Grateful that he no longer feels like he’s boring Byeongkwan to death with his sob stories because now he has an extra mind to fill. Grateful that Junhee’s in his life and vice versa because things have changed, for the better.

“Is this okay with Donghun?” Sehyoon does his best to keep quiet, voice at a whisper while Junhee turns on every light possible, his brogues clicking against the wooden tiles.

“Doesn’t matter what’s okay with him,” he leads them down the hall. “You’re my guest.” 

Sehyoon knows Byeongkwan wouldn’t let him sit in street clothes on his bed, so he stands near a corner when they begin settling in Junhee’s room. “Doesn’t that seem a bit—rude?” 

“Please,” Junhee laughs to himself kicking his shoes into a closet, pointing to Sehyoon’s afterwards. “The amount of times he’s brought his stupid singing buddies home, couldn’t sleep for hours because of them.” Understandable.

He undresses in front of him, like they’ve known each other for years upon years and don’t get Sehyoon wrong, he’s been changing in front of boys himself since middle school in gym class, but even then it took him until the second semester to warm up. But Junhee just does so without a single care in the world. It puts Sehyoon at some type of ease knowing that he has that sense of comfortability around him. 

He’s still standing in the corner like the odd ball out when Junhee faces him with his hands over his head, almost in despair. He truly embodies a greek god in every way, so perfectly sculpted in his bare skin and Sehyoon’s mind can’t help but cross the thought of how it would look littered in love marks, _his_ love marks. 

“Do you plan on answering me?” Junhee snaps his way a few times. 

“Huh?” Of course his own thoughts drown out his ability to hear. 

“What do you usually wear to bed?” 

That’s right. He agreed to sleep over Junhee’s place.. with no clothes. And _usually_ he has some spares stashed in his car if the situation calls for such, but it’s been a while since he’s been in something so sticky. Which leads to Sehyoon becoming even more self-conscious because not only does he have to make the speedy decision on if he wants to excuse himself to the bathroom to change because his body is okay, it’s up there, but no match for Junhee’s, but Sehyoon _usually_ sleeps in nothing but his underwear, shorts if it’s cold, and the pajama set Eunsuh gifted him when necessary. But it’s his dorm he’s at most of the time, shouldn’t he feel comfortable? And Byeongkwan has an exceptional body himself, dancer perks, but Sehyoon’s around him too much to hide himself every time, it’s practically impossible. Byeongkwan likes the skinship anyway. 

“I, uh,” his mind is making a detour. “I could sleep in this, it isn’t that bad.” Only that it is, his thighs are begging for release. 

Junhee leans against the closet door. “So, you just want me to believe that you’re suddenly okay with the outfit I practically forced you to wear that you’d sleep in it?” 

Sehyoon nods. Junhee shrugs, like he knows Sehyon’s set himself up in the long run. “Fine with me. Whatever makes you comfortable.” He wanders over to the bed. “Anything else you need?” 

Sehyoon has to peel himself from the corner because with Junhee staring at only his structure now, he feels like he could burst into flames. “No, I’m okay.” 

Junhee pats the space behind him and Sehyoon immediately regrets his life decisions, if he doesn’t speak now, suffocation and blood circulation will cost him later. 

But he doesn’t and finds himself under Junhee’s duvets. It’s almost uncomfortable, not because of Junhee himself but the atmosphere. It’s starting to feel stuffy and he’s hot under the long sleeve and excruciating tightness of the slacks, but it would spark questions if he spoke now. 

He can’t get comfortable, but Junhee seems to do just that. He’s completely turned the lights off and adjusting himself until he’s calmly under Sehyoon’s arm, but he can’t fall asleep like this. Impossible. 

“I can’t sleep in this,” he blurts when Junhee’s surfing through channels on his television. 

He only chuckles, moving from Sehyoon’s comfort and back to his closet. “I knew you’d give in, what do you want?” 

“Whatever you have is fine,” what does he have to lose?

Junhee clicks his tongue while searching and Sehyoon catches some questionable items that he’d rather not see himself in as he pushes through his wardrobe, maybe he should’ve specified. 

He comes to the conclusion of the largest sweatpants he owns. They aren’t necessarily _huge_ , nowhere near actually, but his waist definitely can’t afford it. Him and Sehyoon are relatively close in size, but Junhee’s aware of the breadth and power Sehyoon’s thighs hold, the last thing he wants him is uncomfortable with the fault of his. “Are these okay?”

Sehyoon nods and he throws them over and nothing more, does everyone sleep shirtless according to him? It would be too much at this point for Sehyoon to ask for more given that he’s the guest in Junhee’s home, and that includes excusing himself to the bathroom because then he’d have to ask for directions, and he really hates feeling like a nuisance. 

He undresses himself, back towards Junhee and his legs are the first to thank him when he gets rid of the slacks, he’ll be sure to not even get within feet of anything in relation to those again. 

The slacks are one thing, Junhee’s seen him with the tightest _and_ smallest of shorts on before, he’s quite the rebel, when granted the freedom, during winter. But when it comes to ridding his body of the silk V neck, nothing _but_ his exposed chest under, that’s the hassle. He should become more confident in his build, Byeongkwan’s complimented him on such on multiple occasions, but it doesn’t give him much pride because that’s his best friend, their relationship is built on trust and compliments, but Sehyoon already lacks too much self-confidence, that’s something to build on another day. 

He sits his clothing in a pile neatly next to the bedside because Junhee does seem on the neat side and Sehyoon can’t say he is himself, but he’ll try as long as he rooms in his personal area. 

Junhee rolls over from his side to face Sehyoon when the weight of the bed is shifted as Sehyoon regains his previous position. The lights are on and the first thing his eyes zero in on is his chest. He blinks a few times and Sehyoon can feel the heat crawl up his neck and the judging, maybe this wasn’t the best idea.

Junhee’s eyebrows raise, he’s almost at a smirk and Sehyoon wants nothing more than to cover himself. “And here I thought I had a nice body.” 

Sehyoon brings the blanket up to his neck, smiling as his face reddens and Junhee giggles at the gesture. He tugs at the blanket as Sehyoon’s knuckles whiten at the grip. “No,” he whines. “Don’t be shy, you’re so pretty.” 

Sehyoon rolls over to his over side and he can feel Junhee’s body warmth just inches from him. “I didn’t think people were capable of having good looking backs.” He should take a look at himself sometime.

“Ah, stop it.” Sehyoon already feels his cheeks beginning to ache, he really doesn’t smile much, does he? He moves to face the ceiling.

Junhee caresses his cheek. “I hope you know I get photos of your side profile whenever I can. You’re one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen in my twenty years on this earth. No, no.. you are—the most.” 

Sehyoon’s now facing Junhee and they only stare, nothing more nothing less, until Sehyoon breaks the contact, locking their lips.

Junhee gasps before responding to the intimacy, feeding into the kiss he tastes like the champagne Sehyoon watched him spill on himself during the wedding. Sehyoon snakes his arm under then around Junhee to pull him closer and run his digits through his dark locks when their tongues come to a dance. He bites on Junhee’s bottom lip just to fish for a reaction and Junhee sucks in a hiss, Sehyoon smiles.

Junhee smooths his hands against Sehyoon’s bare skin and initially, he fidgets from his brisk fingertips but eases into the touch as Junhee reaches the dip in his back, they hold each other while Sehyoon engulfs himself in the taste of overly expensive alcohol. 

He bites at Junhee’s bottom lip again and a whimper slides from the base of his throat, erupting into the silence they controlled despite the rustling of the blanket overtop them. A wave of arousal shoots through his system. He seals their intimacy only to snatch a glance at his boyfriend, his lips swelled and eyes dilated of lust, Sehyoon really isn’t in his right mind right now. 

He resumes the contact, exchanging Junhee’s dulcet lips to latch onto his neck, pecks into nipping at his heated skin. Junhee squirms under the greeded piercing, moans he has to muffle with the back of his hand spilling from his lips and Sehyoon would like nothing more than to experience them loud and clear because he can only imagine the melody only made for him, but this is only his second time at Junhee’s condo and his first staying over, which Donghun isn’t even aware of and he’d rather not wake him.

Which causes him to pause, Junhee’s skin caught between his teeth and a whimper dies in his throat when Sehyoon pulls away. 

“Donghun wouldn’t be okay with this, would he?” His voice is coated with worry.

Junhee’s is raspy and he’s almost short of breath. “Ah, who cares? He’ll be fine.”

Only Sehyoon doesn’t plan on making another enemy. He has to put himself in Donghun’s shoes if Byeongkwan ever brought someone over unexpectedly. “You really don’t care for his overall well-being, do you?” 

Junhee sits up, the left side of his neck is showered with blooming marks, _his_. “Not true,” he pouts. “I told you he does the same thing to me.” 

Sehyoon adjusts to face the ceiling. “Doesn’t mean do whatever the hell you want as payback. He’s your best friend, right? You guys can talk to each other, set guidelines and shit being that you share this place together. The best thing you can receive from your roommate is a simple ounce of respect.” 

“Yeah, you’re right.” He sighs in defeat and it’s apparent that he’s disappointed in himself, partially for being a shit roommate, partially for being an even shittier best friend, all thanks to Sehyoon, who holds his arms out for him to fall into, he does. 

“Tired?” Junhee breathes deeply in his hold and nods. Sehyoon catches the remote used for lighting and whatever else’s programmed into the device from his peripheral and gets ahold of it, bringing it to view and pressing whatever looks like it could turn the lights off. He raises the volume on the television, adjusts the headboard of Junhee’s bed, and raises the temperature on the thermostat all in one go. 

Junhee giggles as he guides Sehyoon’s hand, pressing down on his thumb and the lights slowly dim before coming to complete darkness. “You’ll get used to it.” 

And Sehyoon knows it wasn’t necessarily implied, but that only means he expects for Sehyoon to come over more often. He doesn’t want to dwell on it, but his mind thinks otherwise. 

It’s still too raw for him to make casual visits and he’s sure Junhee now understands that, but he just can’t let this comment slide, his conscience can’t at least. 

He assumes Junhee is asleep from the maintained silence and sets himself for the same, but Junhee shifts in his hold and looks up at him. “You fall asleep first.”

He laughs. “That’s a lot of pressure, I will eventually. You can go to sleep, I’ll be fine, don’t worry.” 

“It wouldn’t be fair if I left you up alone though.” 

“You’re right here, practically glued to my side, this is fair enough.” 

“I don’t care,” he reminds Sehyoon of a preschooler with his demeanor. “I’m gonna watch you until you fall asleep, my eyes are taped open.” They aren’t.

“You’re ridiculous. Go to sleep, Junhee.” 

“No.” 

“Fine,” he turns onto his side. “If you don’t mind, I need to get comfortable.” 

And to his surprise, Junhee does lay and watch until he’s dozed into slumber which doesn’t take long compared to previous records and he hates to think that he’s become dependent on the comfort of another human being in order for him to sleep, peacefully at that, it’s unhealthy because in the end, nothing lasts forever.

**.  .  .**

Sehyoon has to be a relatively light sleeper being that the first thing to wake him in the morning is vibration that comes from his device. He isn’t entirely in the state of stimuli, it’s only felt like mere hours since he’s knocked out and the lack of sunlight in Junhee’s room tells all, he deserves a few more. 

Which he’s granted until it’s his phone, now ringing, halts his slumber once again. He has to peel Junhee’s limbs from his body one by one, carefully and gentle enough not to wake him, yet ushered to stop the device from sounding the entire room. 

He hangs his torso over the bed and fumbles through his slacks until he reaches the cause of his potentially ruined morning. 

“Yeah?” Frankly Sehyoon has no idea who’s on the other line, but whoever insists on waking him this early on will take and accept his demeanor. 

“Where the hell are you?” Byeongkwan. “You sound hurt, are you hurt? Is someone there? Do you need me to come get you?” 

Sehyoon hisses before clearing his throat. “It’s,” he brings the phone to vision. “It’s seven on the dot, Byeongkwan. Can’t I live my life without you acting like my mother? I’m grown, older than you.” 

“Listen,” he sounds more drained than Sehyoon. “I’ve been up all night, I had no idea you even left yesterday morning but I assumed you’d return before me or whenever, but you didn’t and I got scared, cut me some slack?” 

“Sorry, Byeong.” He maneuvers to sit himself right side up, glancing over at Junhee who’s still more than engaged with his dreams. His voice still quiet and alert not to wake him. “I’m at Junhee’s. My aunt’s wedding was yesterday and we came back really late.” He’ll spare Byeongkwan the details. 

“Oh, that’s why you asked me what my plans were? How’d it go?” 

“Listen I’d love to entertain you some, but I’m absolutely spent, it’s only been three hours since I clocked out. I’m sure you’re tired yourself, get some rest, I’ll be home later to tell you all the details, okay?” 

Byeongkwan yawns at the mention of sleep. “Yeah. I’m gonna sleep, but next time, for the love of me, say something before you go and leave me worried sick, yeah? Just until we both get used to this whole staying over thing again.” 

“Rodger dodger.” 

He tucks the phone back into the pockets of his slacks, keeping his movements discreet as he tries to regain his previous status and hold as much more sleep he can land before Donghun revokes his card of uninvited guest. 

“Do you have to leave?” So much for the attempt. 

Junhee’s voice is at its low, raspy state and Sehyoon inhales a gasp as he pivots his torso with a hand over his chest to to the face it belongs to. 

Mesmerizing is an underemphasis. It’s almost impossible to believe someone can wake up like this. Junhee’s hair lays still touched from Sehyoon’s fingertips derived from previous hours, he’s not much of a wild sleeper, but it’s faintly rustled from trivial turns. His skin still swelled and vibrant with a blooming red merging into purple via Sehyoon. He ogles at Sehyoon through squinted eyes like he’s the only object in his world. He’s really hit jackpot.

Sehyoon declines through gesture and Junhee smiles, his dimples ascending to display. “I woke you? It’s really early.”

“Not necessarily. My head hurts,” though it does nothing, Sehyoon trails his palm over his hair. “I think I’m gonna be sick.” 

Sehyoon dismisses himself from the bed almost immediately and Junhee laughs before wincing. “Yes because I would throw up on you if I had the chance.” 

Sehyoon finds the humor, but before he can react Junhee’s out the room and he has no choice but to follow. First and foremost, it’s his duty to fulfill Junhee’s physical and moral support and it’d be flat out awkward if he sat in Junhee’s room as if it was his own. 

Junhee crouches, knuckles whitening over the toilet bowl as he empties his system. Sehyoon squatting beside him, stroking his hair and smoothing out the small of his back. He rests his elbows on the toilet seat cover when all seems complete, breathing like he just concluded an hour long marathon. 

Sehyoon’s quite helpless at this point. “Do you uh—can I—do you need me to get you anything?” 

Junhee points behind them and Sehyoon is met with nothing but a dimmed hallway and a closet that he assumes he should get up to. “Kitchen. Pain killers. Uh, second drawer to your right,” his elbows give out and he’s planted on his forearms. 

Sehyoon nods though majority of Junhee’s face is still hovering into the toilet and he feels more than out of place while trailing through Junhee’s condo, into the kitchen. And as instructed, the second drawer to his left holds a mid-full bottle of pain killers that he troubles with opening, he’s never been good with those prescribed bottle tops anyway, he settles on bringing the entire container. 

Sehyoon isn’t sure on how sanitary Junhee finds it drinking from the bathroom faucet, though it does do the trick when Sehyoon’s too lazy to get himself a glass sometime during his all nighters, but everyone has their own preferences. 

He skims the kitchen for a cup and thankfully there’s a glass on the dish rack because he wouldn’t know how to feel rummaging through cabinets that aren’t his own, regardless of the cause. 

“Is he okay?” 

The voice is too sudden that the glass nearly slips from Sehyoon’s hold, his mind takes initiative and his grasp tightens instead. He angles to Donghun, no robe this time, only boxer briefs and slippers as he trudges into the kitchen. He doesn’t seem to mind the fact that Sehyoon stands in his home, shirtless himself, yet Sehyoon still blankets his bare skin with his free hand. 

“Yeah, I think,” Sehyoon fills the glass as fast as possible. “He drank a lot last night.”

“Oh yeah, the wedding. How was it?” 

It’s almost funny how Donghun ignores the matter that his best friend is emptying himself dry to make small talk.

“It was very nice, thanks for asking.” 

Junhee cries something along the lines of rushing Sehyoon before Donghun can think of a proer response and Sehyoon bows with urgency, balancing the full glass as he makes an attempt to run down the hall. 

“I feel like shit.” Junhee pauses, toothbrush hanging from his lips and downs at least three pills and the entire glass of water the moment Sehyoon returns to the bathroom. 

“Yeah? Well, no one told you to join my family’s festives, the drinking games are intense.” 

“And I still won.” 

Sehyoon can’t help but to laugh while dragging the boy’s weight over his shoulder back to Junhee’s room because he truly is subconsciously so full of himself. 

Sehyoon could count the amount of times Junhee’s groaned, whined, and sighed on his fingers and toes since he’s tucked him in. Proof in the pudding as to why he isn’t much of a drinker himself, it’s paradise until you’re carrying shit tons of bricks upon bricks on your shoulders. And then you go back out once you’ve recovered and it’s just an endless cycle. He doesn’t see the fun in any of it. 

“I need to run,” Junhee’s face is burried into his pillow, but Sehyoon hears, almost too clearly. 

“Are you out of your mind?” 

“I wish,” he sits up. “I need to burn this off. Come on.” 

“No,” Sehyoon applies force to his shoulder, but Junhee doesn’t lay back down. “You need to rest.” 

“I’ll rest afterwards.” 

Sehyoon doesn’t argue when Junhee zips his uniform windbreaker over his bare skin, throwing a sweatshirt Sehyoon’s way that’s too oversized for the both of them.

“You’ll time me, right?” 

“Time you? You should’ve called your trainer if you wanted to be timed.” 

Junhee pouts as he stomps into his sneaker, dragging his frame over and drapes his limbs over Sehyoon’s, like a feline to furniture, adjusting to lay on his back. “Please,” he mimics a child begging their parent for a toy from the store. “I saw your stopwatch in the car. I’ll get us something afterwards.” Still, Sehyoon doesn’t break. “Only a few laps, I promise.”

Sehyoon rests himself on his forearms, driving Junhee’s body from his with his knees, he succeeds and a whine erupts from the floor. “Only a few.” 

Junhee recovers to his feet. “Promise!” 

Donghun is at the dining table when they reach the front, body now swallowed in one of his many robes, he’s drinking from a mug and flipping through a magazine. It’s getting harder to believe that him and Sehyoon share the same birth year.

He inspects them both, narrowing in on Junhee. “Aren’t you supposed to be hungover?”

Junhee grabs his lanyard from the coatrack. “Mind your business.” 

Sehyoon clicks his tongue and nudges Junhee, his stare is blank until he gets the memo. “We’re heading to the track. I should at least do something other than rest all day, you know me.” 

Donghun gives another glance before returning to the magazine. “I suppose. Don’t push yourself, you hear me?” 

“I hear you.” 

Donghun takes an uncomfortable drag from the mug. “Sehyoon.”

He’s dazing at whatever until Junhee rears to step on his foot and he realizes it’s his turn to speak. “Oh. Uh, I’ll make sure, don’t worry.” 

The stadium is empty, granted it’s Sunday and as exams near, no one really has the time or patience to socialize other than from the comfort of their dorms. Junhee does a few laps as promised and insists he sprints the 400M for his final, Donghun might kill them both in the end, but there was no possible way Sehyoon could’ve told him otherwise. 

Junhee looks like he could actually pass out when time concludes, he tumbles into Sehyoon who has to dig his heels into the tar to prevent them both from falling. 

“Look at you,” Junhee’s cheeks are flushed and his eyes droop, Sehyoon’s not sure whose stomach just begged for a meal. “I knew I shouldn’t have let you come.” Junhee leaves his dead weight to Sehyoon, his legs near jelly and knees are about to buckle. “Are you okay? Can you hear me?”

“Mm,” Sehyoon sits them both down. “I’m fine. What’s my time?”

“Is that all you’re worried about?” There’s a pause because Junhee can’t find the strength to reply. “44.5.” 

Junhee revives from his weary state. “What did you just say?” 

“44.5, are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Is this right?” He leans to bring the stopwatch to view. “Holy shit, you didn’t mess up, did you?” 

“Please,” Sehyoon’s almost offended. “I’ve been doing this for how long? I even got upgraded stopwatches _again_ and you still think I’m an amateur?” 

“No, no it’s not that. Sehyoon, I just beat my record.” 

Sehyoon’s feign utterance fades and they break into celebration, him forcing Junhee to remain seated as his entire physique is weak. The time distance wasn’t drastic, only by milliseconds, but given the fact that Junhee was initially utterly drained and it wasn’t much of an applied effort, means millions. 

Sehyoon’s virtually carrying Junhee from the stadium to his vehicle, they greet a few of his mates who‘ve come to practice together and it astounds Sehyoon how no one talks, about them. Not to their face or in audible distance at least, but they even greet Sehyoon without hesitation. It shouldn’t be a radical shock to him since they see the pair together on a daily at this point, but it isn’t just the track team, it’s broadened through their campus. 

Randoms who Sehyoon’s sure might’ve fell into the bunch that despised his living state prior to him and Junhee’s friendship are now waving his way when acknowledging Junhee’s presence. And they aren’t in public together habitually, Sehyoon still isn’t a fan of the thought of everyone knowing about them, but when they are, just to radiate the energy of comrades rather than beaux, there’s less finger pointing and whispers. Sehyoon could never get too comfortable though. 

“Hey.” Junhee’s rested against the seatbelt. “I have a question.” 

“Shoot.” 

“I’ve been thinking about it and I wasn’t sure how to approach you, but I—uh, would you maybe want to come with me to qualifications?” 

Sehyoon’s eyes leave the road for a split second in question. Junhee resumes like he expected the reaction. “It’s next month and I know it’s exams and all and you should really study hard, but I’d really like for you to be there—with me.” 

Junhee’s eyes are so pleading, he probably prepares himself for the worst commonly, but Sehyoon can’t say no, even if he wanted to. 

“Why do you look so nervous? Of course I will.” 

“Really?” His lips remain agape. “I just thought—I don’t know how you study and maybe you needed the time to yourself to prepare. I don’t think I would’ve been okay if I went alone.” 

Sehyoon can only smile and brush over Junhee’s thigh with his palm. This happens more than he realizes. He wouldn’t even be closing to coming to the conclusion that Junhee _needs_ him at events, but that’s what it seems. When he was nearly left that morning of a meet and Junhee was abberant chaos. It’s only been edging onto half a year since they’ve known each other, but Junhee’s become so reliable on his bare presence. It’s abnormal for Sehyoon yet comforting knowing he can be useful, dare he say dependable. But he thinks he likes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter was so SHIT i personally wasn’t a big fan of this one hence why it took so long to write i kinda had mini writer’s block but don’t worry! this is just one of the final calms before the storm :))


	19. heart stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please excuse any errors typos all that stuff i’m really shit at proofreading also to get a better visualization??? because i can’t go into detail to save my life mister junhee is wearing his fit from the day 181002 just without the mask yeah u get it.. and sehyoon from 180912 i was just writing and it hit me that they actually wore this shit haha okay enjoy

It’s a fairly normal day in May, no drastic difference from the others, cramming for exams and what not, Sehyoon’s first is a few days from now. But for some reason, Byeongkwan appears at the threshold of his room door, cake and gift bag in hand, he’s singing the oh so familiar tune off key.

“Happy birthday hyung, I love you!”  

Sehyoon places the laptop from his bed onto the nightstand and leans forward to blow out the candles, Byeongkwan cheers like a toddler and hands him the bag. “Hm, so that’s what today is.” 

“Of course that’s what today is!” He props himself onto the bed. “Open it! It’s from my parents as well.”

Sehyoon quests through the tissue paper until he hits a bag within the bag. “Those are from my parents.” It’s mainly items for facial care, eye gels, masks, things to keep healthy. There’s a sweatshirt from them as well that Sehyoon figures Byeongkwan had to help choose because there’s no way they know him this well, down to his favorite brand of clothing. “Give them all my thanks.” 

“Yeah yeah. Get mine.” He watches anxiously while Sehyoon digs deeper into the gift big, his fingertips brush over a box. He’s hesitant in opening though he knows Byeongkwan always has his best interest in mind, it’s always fear like when receiving gifts, that’s just normal. 

It’s a ring. Silver, freshly polished, a twist that runs through the entire band, there’s something imprinted on the inner that Sehyoon has to squint to decipher. “BK,” he scans to the opposite side. “SH, what does it mean?” 

Byeongkwan almost looks disgusted. “It’s our initials jackass. It’s a friendship ring, you know that cliché shit? Just without the whole infinity thing, that might’ve been too much.” He’s right. “I have one as well. I just figured since this could be our last year living together, I’d get us these, eternal friendship, right? I care about you so much, Sehyoon and I don’t know where we’ll be a year from now, but I hope you’ll never forget about me when we graduate.”

There’s total silence and then the sound of the tissue paper crinkling softly as Sehyoon’s tears soak through them. “Ah, I didn’t wanna cry today.” 

Byeongkwan sets the gifts aside to embrace Sehyoon entirely. “You’re such a big baby.”

“What would you do if you’re moved to bits by the most important person in your life?” Byeongkwan only giggles in response. “Exactly. I’ll never forget you, Kwannie. Never.”

“Oh? It’s been a while since I’ve heard that nickname. Have you gone full softie?”

“Only when you deserve it, I’ll bring it out.” They sigh in content and Byeongkwan stretches himself over Sehyoon’s lap, knees digging right into his abdomen, but he doesn’t seem to care much. “Anyway, what are you doing today?” 

“Nothing from what I know, does studying count?”

“No plans? On your birthday? Not even a dick appointment?” Sehyoon jabs his knee upwards and Byeongkwan groans, rolling onto the bed. “Okay, sorry. If your schedule turns out to be clear, wanna grab some drinks tonight? I can call Chan too.” 

“I hate drinking, and so does Chan, why do you continue to do this to us?” 

“Come on,” he sucks his teeth. “We haven’t gone out as a trio in forever. We’ll just go to dinner if it makes you feel better.” 

Byeongkwan pouts with that killer plea in his eyes. “Sure, Byeongkwan.” 

“Woo!” He jumps from the bed. “Even if you end up having things to do, I’m going for drinks, so if this is the last time you see me sober today, I love you.” 

The moment the door clicks shut his phone dings. Usually his family’s messages pour in later in the day, he expects Eunsuh at the least right now. 

**jh** : _hi_

If Sehyoon’s completely honest right now, Junhee might’ve been one of the very last of his guesses on the list. 

**ksy** : _hey_

**jh** : _what’re your plans for today?_

**ksy** : _studying hhh i also have to work on my art final_

**jh** : _boooo!!! it’s friday, let’s go out!_

Which kind of wipes a frown across his face because he would’ve thought Junhee would at least remember. But he only has himself to blame, they’ve enlightened one another on birthdays just once before and it’s been quite the while since. Still, it would’ve been nice if he remembered. 

**ksy** : _what’d you have in mind?_

**jh** : _:) just be ready by 4_

**ksy** : _can i get a hint maybe? i need a dress code_

**jh** : _whatever you wanna wear, you’ll look good regardless_

**jh** : _see you thennn_

Sehyoon doesn’t have the slightest clue to what could go on, but he feels the need to rush to Byeongkwan, he has the better fashion sense out of the two. 

“Well first things first,” he rustles Sehyoon’s locks. “Let’s stay as far away from your wardrobe as possible.” 

“Rude.” 

“I need a minute to think,” he mimics _The_ _Thinker_. “You’re obviously getting some dick at the end of the day.”

Sehyoon kicks his shin. “Can you stop saying that?” 

“Okay, alright. Just no more hitting.” 

**.  .  .**

“Ah, hyung. What am I gonna wear?” 

Donghun lounges over Junhee’s computer chair. “Oh, now you want my fashion advice?”

“Please,” he plants himself on the floor, “it’s his birthday and I’m really nervous.” 

“You’re nervous—for his birthday?” Donghun’s mouth is agape, almost into a smirk. 

“It’s the first birthday I’m celebrating that isn’t yours or a family member’s. This is new. What if he doesn’t like my gift?” 

“You even got him something,” Donghun’s arms hang over the chair, he rests his chin on top. His voice is clearly amused. “I’ve never seen you so whipped before.” 

“Yeah, well—can you just help me?” 

Donghun smiles sweetly, petting his head before trotting to his closet. “Of course, my little sunshine.” 

“Don’t ever call me that again.” 

“Let me ask you something,” he pulls a beige coat that Junhee only recalls wearing once from the hanger and lays it across his bed. “Do you love him?” 

All live expression held prior to the question fades and his head drops on instinct. He’s never thought about it before, if he loves Sehyoon or not. There’s no way that he doesn’t, but he’s not sure if he does. If he’s honest with himself, he doesn’t even know what love is, or what it should feel like. So maybe he loves Sehyoon, who knows? He just wants him by his side forever, through thick and thin, he wants to be in his life until there is none. 

Donghun holds a pair a black jeans to him, “Can you fit these?” 

“I can fit everything in there.” 

“Cool,” he returns to Junhee with a black turtleneck, of course Donghun thinks he can pull this off. “You didn’t answer my question.” 

“What was it again?” 

“We both know you aren’t stupid.” Way to play dumb, Junhee. 

“Well, to be honest, I don’t know.” 

Donghun sits in front of him. “What do you mean?” 

“I don’t know what love feels like, Hun.” It’s almost embarrassing, but Donghun could care less. 

“How do you feel around him? What’s on  your mind whenever you think about him?”

“Are you my love counselor, now?” 

He leans onto his forearms. “Got anyone better?”

“Point made,” Junhee zeroes in on the wooden tiles. “It’s getting harder to imagine myself without him. Like I feel like we’re just together all the time now that when we split only for a few days to focus on our separate lives, I feel empty? I don’t know if that’s normal, but it just makes me feel really good.” Donghun nods with his eyebrows knitted. “I wanna be with him for a long time, a really long time. I don’t want this relationship to be just some college fling then we go our separate ways. If he lets me, I’ll stay with him until the day I die.” 

Donghun’s eyes widen before he can even process what was just said. “Jun—” 

“I know what you’re thinking, hyung. We’ve only been dating for two months and I’m just speaking nonsense, but this is really how I feel! I don’t really believe in that soulmate shit or love at first sight, but I really wanna be with him.” 

“And you don’t know if you love him?” 

He’s about to burst into flames and possibly tears. “Okay, so what if I do? What if he doesn’t?” 

“Then, he isn’t for you.” Junhee’s devastated at the thought, it’s prominent. “Do things feel one sided?” 

“No, it’s just,” It isn’t his place to say much, anything at all. “Sehyoon went through a lot in his past, I wish I could tell you and everyone else because he’s apparently still the bad guy, but he has trust issues that are just fucking insane. I don’t even know if he thinks I’m good enough to gain the entirety of his trust, you think I’d be enough for him to love?”

“Don’t think so lowly of yourself, kid.” Donghun sits upwards to hold Junhee’s palm in his. “I know it’s probably iffy and a bit scary for him because, celebrity and all, but I don’t think you’d even be in his life at all if he didn’t trust you, don’t you think so?” Another point made. “You guys are still fresh off the bat, you have a lot of time ahead you, don’t doubt yourself so soon.”

Junhee pulls his hand from Donghun to stand, impressed as ever. “Who knew this cold hearted man had a heart?” 

“Only for you dearest,” Junhee fake gags and Donghun rolls his eyes. “How are you wearing that mop you call hair?”

Junhee goes for the top of his head subconsciously. “Like this?”

“Oh honey, you really are a bum.” 

**.  .  .**

Junhee’s tapping at the driving wheel, looking out of the window every other second, and checking the mirror in between. It’s not the fact that it’s Sehyoon’s birthday and he’s taking him out disregarding the possibility that Sehyoon might not even know that Junhee knows it’s his day, it’s not that. It’s the amount of effort he put into the gift and he’d hate if it backfired on him, he can sense insincerity like second nature. 

The gift that he has to throw from the passengers seat into his door’s cup holder when he’s given up on looking out for him, but just as he does, Sehyoon’s trailing from the building to his car. 

“Hi.” Junhee has to do a double take when he seats himself because it’s almost too evident that he didn’t dress himself. 

“You’re wearing earrings,” to be truthful, he didn’t even know his ears were pierced. 

“I’m also wearing ripped jeans,” he points to his legs, the obvious tone drips from his tongue. “And this button up. Do I look uncomfortable enough?” 

“You look nice,” and that’s all he can get out, it’s better for him to keep his compliments in check. 

Sehyoon will have to thank Byeongkwan later. 

“Still no says to our destination?” 

“Not a peep from me,” Junhee hums as they reach the highway. “You’ll love it, don’t worry.” 

Sehyoon has nothing but worrying to do. It’s the principle that Junhee actually might be clueless that it’s his birthday and they’re going out, just for fun. Just because it’s friday and classes are on hold due to exam season. It wouldn’t make it any better if, out of nowhere, he made it known. No, that’d only make the atmosphere uncomfortable and Junhee apologetic because he forgot about one of the most unimportant important days of the year. 

They’re on the road for a solid twenty minutes until Junhee rolls into a parking lot of a building, on the rather newly built side, Sehyoon can tell, it definitely stands out from majority of the structures on the street. No name, he can’t seem to read the entrance sign from their parking area, just a building that stands before them. 

Junhee grins widely, eyes bright crescents before bringing Sehyoon’s hand into his, guiding them both towards the entrance. 

The interior is just as fresh as it’s opposite. Polished tiles and pendant lights above them, there was even a revolving door. A woman smiles sweetly at them both, dressed with the utmost professionalism.

“Hello, gentlemen. Welcome to the Seoul Museum of Art. Are you here with a group?”

Sehyoon gives a glance to his surroundings and sure enough, in bold, stands the name of their location printed across the wall they walked past on the way to the front desk. 

Junhee bows before he speaks, Sehyoon has to go down with him. “Good evening and no, I purchased tickets a few weeks ago. Is it possible for you to pull up those records?”

“Of course. Your name?” 

“Park Junhee.” 

Her eyes avert from the computer screen to Junhee almost immediately, she grants herself a brief check out before resuming previous activity. 

It hits Sehyoon right where it hurts that Junhee obviously thought about this in advance, he went out of his way to spend money on something so important to Sehyoon when this is just a date to him? Frankly, Sehyoon has no idea what this is, but he can’t even take it as a birthday surprise because well, Junhee doesn’t know.

“Yes, we have two tickets in your name for today,” she flips the screen towards Junhee. “Is this correct?” He confirms and she admits their stay. “Well, you two enjoy your visit.” 

Junhee gives the woman then Sehyoon another smile, squeezing his hand and they enter what might just be one of the best birthdays of Sehyoon’s life. 

Just before the reach the first exhibit, Sehyoon steps in front of Junhee. “There’s no way you did this.” 

“Well, we’re here. Aren’t we?” 

“I just—I didn’t even expect you to remember.” 

“That you like art? How could I forget?” Sehyoon’s asking himself the same thing. “Today’s the grand opening, so it might be a little crowded. If you don’t like it, just tell me and we can go.” 

“Grand opening?” Sehyoon does a double take and Junhee giggles. “How the fuck did you land tickets?”

“Never knew what good pulling an all nighter can bring until now. Enough of me, more of that.” He points to a painting by a local artist Sehyoon identifies instantly, he’s been following them for years.

He knows Junhee has little to no knowledge in art, so he has to explain in depth to asnwer his every question to eliminate the contusion written in his face. 

It’s definitely crowded, that’s rather an understatement, but Sehyoon’s too engulfed in all the beauties plastered right before his eyes that he doesn’t seem to care. He even leaves Junhee’s side when a group of high school girls ask for a few pictures and initially, Junhee would decline as he cherishes his time with Sehyoon, but they’ve been eyeing him since him and Sehyoon entered the main hall that if he hadn’t given what they wanted, who knows what could’ve occurred. 

Sehyoon’s mother is more on the supportive side when it comes to his decisions. She was the first to accept him when he came out to the family and the first to agree to pay a portion of his tuition when he decided that he would attend university and major in fine arts. It would be a slap in her face if he wasn’t successful, like these people in this museum. Of course his father wanted a lawyer, something with ensured pay, but patience is a virtue as his grandmother says and he’ll put his name on the map, hopefully. 

Of course when he gains the confidence to show the rest of the world what he can do. 

“Who’s the guy you’re always with?” Junhee’s eyebrows raise at the suddenness, he knew people were aware of Sehyoon’s presence, but not this much. “Does he have a girlfriend?” 

He laughs with a hand over his mouth and the girl who stoked the question stares at him blankly. “He’s a good friend of mine and sorry, but that’s his business.”

The girl looks bummed out. “Well, do you have a girlfriend?” 

He pivots in search of Sehyoon and spots him a hike away from where he stands. “I would love to speak more with you lovely ladies, but I have to go. Enjoy your evening.” He bows and they return the favor.

“How’d you manage to stray so far?” Sehyoon’s crouching to read the description of a mural of a young girl in front of an easel. 

He shrugs, running his fingers through the air as if he’s touching the artwork itself. “Time flies.”

“I wasn’t even over there that long, was I?”

“About ten minutes.” 

Junhee’s throat goes dry and he only grants his eyes free from Sehyoon in search of the girls, they’re already exiting the museum. Sehyoon’s face is glum yet he’s amused nonetheless at the visuals before him, Junhee can’t mess this up, not today. 

He gets a good glance at their surroundings and scoops Sehyoon towards his frame. “You know you’re my sole focus, right?” 

Sehyoon tries to fight the smile, head hanging fowards, but Junhee only tilts it upwards with the tip of his forefinger, the force between them being their only barrier.

“Right?” He repeats and the hold around Sehyoon’s waist tightens and Junhee curls his fingers into his rib cage and he breaks into laughter, all the elders in the room staring with curiosity but mostly annoyance. Still Junhee’s grasp doesn’t loosen. 

“We’re making a scene.” Sehyoon has to whisper. 

There’s such candor in Junhee’s eyes and Sehyoon could kiss him right here and now had all the bystanders minded their own business. “All I did was ask a question though.”

Sehyoon catches a woman staring that could potentially be around their age from his peripheral and when panic settles in, untangles himself from Junhee’s restraint, hauling them both to the next exhibit. 

Junhee senses the worry, but Sehyoon beats him to wording. “I hate it when people stare.” 

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s my fault,” the section is clear and Junhee reaches for the hands across from his. “Do you want to leave? We can.” 

Sehyoon’s debating on it. Sure there’s at least three more exhibits they’ve yet to hit, but with more opportunity there could be another group of high school girls or some students from school then it’s his worse nightmare _again_ , only double the fun. 

“We can always come back, you know?”

Sehyoon really wants to stay, he even spots a painting in the corner similar to his style. It only makes him reflect on himself furthermore and in the end, lowers the little amount of confidence he holds in himself. He’s better off with admiring the artist next time. 

They take a nearer exit that still grants them eyes and a few more fangirls, and boys, but make it back to Junhee’s car and Sehyoon wants nothing more than to call it a day and clock out, even if the sun is only still setting.

They’re on the highway and Sehyoon’s living under the influence of drowsiness, head hanging behind the seatbelt and body shifted, fighting the force against his eyes here and there but he’s virtually the polar opposite in a second when Junhee does a shift on navigation.

“You missed the exit.” 

“Oh? Did I?” His tone is feign but Sehyoon’s too oblivious to notice. 

Sehyoon expects him to relocate but Junhee doesn’t touch anywhere near the GPS and he wants to instruct him himself, but maybe Junhee just knows Seoul better than he does and made a careless mistake, things happen.

And apparently Junhee _does_ know Seoul. The realization hits Sehyoon when they pull into a restaurant parking lot, he’s never been, that he’s sure of. “I’m not hungry.”

Junhee struggles to fetch the box from his cup holder, a gasp he seals instantly when the wing of his coat gets caught in the door and Sehyoon glances over in curiosity. “You’re never hungry, you don’t have to eat.”

“Well, why here? We can just go for something near school.” 

“Because you want to run into our actual colleagues?” Point taken.

It’s a dim atmosphere, empty lobby, just a man somewhere around their age, maybe older, dressed in luxury behind a podium. Sehyoon’s gut isn’t feeling this.

“Good evening, how can I help you?” He flashes his pearly whites at them both mainly out of respect, but it’s obvious his target isn’t Sehyoon.

Junhee returns the manner and the host’s eyes are floored due to the beauty that he carries. “I have a reservation under the name Park Junhee.” 

Sehyoon prods Junhee with his elbow and he only grins at him innocently, he’d make a scene if they weren’t currently in a place where he truly doesn’t fit in at.

“Party of two?” The host skims Sehyoon’s structure, he hides further behind Junhee, latching onto his hand when he confirms and they’re guided down aisles topped with crystal chandeliers and marble booths, the couples dining radiating the wealthiness the restaurant exudes as they pass.  

“Who told you to do this?” Sehyoon wants to yell the moment they’re seated but there’s a married couple beside them, he can spot the ring dazzling from the woman’s finger even when he isn’t staring, and he’s far too intimidated to even hold the whisper he’s addressing Junhee with. “I can’t afford this place.”

“Then, I’ll pay.” Per usual.

Moreover, it only infuriates Sehyoon that he can be so nonchalant in the most hectic circumstances as for Sehyoon who breaks at the slightest inconvenience. He doesn’t know it’s his birthday yet they’re dining at expensive eatery and he can’t even provide for himself, it’s upsetting.

They eat in silence, only the chatter of those around them filling the atmosphere. Sehyoon on the quicker side because the faster they finish the faster he can get home and end what was supposed to be a day of delight and the sight of Junhee utterly unbothered by the glares his way and overall annoyance of the man across from him only makes Sehyoon want to launch the knife he’s been using for his steak places that in the long run, wouldn’t be pretty.

He’s about to excuse himself to the restroom to, hopefully, get in contact with Byeongkwan and have him be the excuse that picks him up when a group of waiters huddle amongst each other, one holding balloons and another with a cake, he can’t imagine how many layers it holds and the joy the person earning such service receives that he forgets the bathroom to watch the celebration go down. At least someone’s remembered.

Only the waiters have vanished from their huddle near the kitchen when Sehyoon manages to delete the novel he planned on sending Byeongkwan and Junhee’s beaming at him, containing the excitement obviously oozing to spill when he sits the phone in his lap.

It doesn’t erase the fact that he’s still far miffed with the sight in front of him. “What’s your problem,” it’s leaning on the side of a statement. 

Junhee’s teeth are on display when he gestures behind Sehyoon and a crowd erupts into the tune Byeongkwan sang off key earlier in the day. 

He’s frozen in the booth though his ears are steaming, he’s afraid to even lay a finger near them. Junhee’s clapping like his life depends on it, along with the waiters and a few bystanders who found the moment joinable. Their area of the restaurant breaks into cheers of applaud and well wishes when he blows out the candles. 

Junhee’s grinning at him stupidly when everything settles. “I didn’t think you—”  

“Remembered? How could I forget?” He recalls the tone from earlier.

Sehyoon dabs his finger at the cake, it’s far too expensive for his tasting, but not half bad. “But I only told you once.”

“And,” he gets a taste of the item himself. “You’re someone very important to me, I could never forget anything that comes out of your mouth, even if I tried.”

Sehyoon wants to reach over the table for his hands but first and foremost, intricate and delicacy, his parents raised him well, and there’s still women ogling at him in specific, probaby wondering how a young boy like him landed a _friend_ like Junhee, he asks himself the same on the daily.

Junhee’s heart is racing and his palms are beyond sweaty when he reaches for the box. He’s never given gifts before, not to anyone _this_ important. Of course there’s Donghun and his close relatives, but this time it has meaning, he put thought into this gift, too much.

Sehyoon’s lips part, barely, when Junhee brings the suede structure to display. His hands are near trembling but he’s putting up force that he prays doesn’t show. “Happy birthday, baby.”

“No, I can’t take this,” he’s ushering the box towards its rightful owner. “You’ve already done too much for me today, I have no way to repay you.”

A genuine smile wipes across Junhe’s lips. “Don’t worry about any of that, this is yours.” He places the box on the table in front of Sehyoon’s dish.

Sehyoon stares for a minute before hesitation that lasts for double time. And he is worried despite the reassurance because there’s really no way he can pay Junhee back, whether in money or happiness, he isn’t capable of performing higher than this. Junhee’s birthday isn’t too far after his and he doesn’t have a single idea that even gets near this, Junhee’s planned this entire day out weeks to months prior, Sehyoon doesn’t even know what he wants to wear tomorrow.

He’s worrying that piece of his cheek between his teeth as he reveals the gift to himself, Junhee stares with fear that he weakly covers with sincerity. 

It’s a band. The string holds white beads with darkened specs that almost looks like something you can pick up from the beach, but Sehyoon knows this is far more priceless than any normal accessory. It’s sealed with a golden charm that’s obviously just there for show, but Sehyoon only fears more to lay his hands on it, let alone wear it on his own skin, he’s not worthy of such. 

Junhee answers before he can ask. “It’s an anklet. You don’t have to wear it,” there’s a pause and Sehyoon’s about to thank him because this is already more than enough, but he continues. “They’re howlite stones, well beads. But they were originally stones. Um, they kinda have meaning? It eases stress and anxiety, it’s said to be very calming. It also helps with insomnia.” 

Sehyoon’s gaze averts from the piece of jewelry to Junhee, he’s staring at the table below them. “What?” 

“I mean, it isn’t like medically approved but it really helps with sleep and I know you have problems with that.” His voice begins to trail and Sehyoon’s stare is blank and his throat is near heavy when they make contact. “It’s probably silly I know, I’m not expecting you to wear it or anything I just thought you’d—” 

“I love it,” Sehyoon chokes out and he can already feel his eyes swelling, he has to rid himself of the stray tears the moment they trickle down. 

“Really?” Junhee’s face is on the median of confusion and relief. “But you’re crying.” 

Indeed he is. “I’m not,” he wipes on the aggressive side at his eyes, dampening as his thoughts progress. “I just—I really don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve the world,” the table is far too wide for them to hold hands under, there’s still stray eyes their direction, but that doesn’t stop Junhee from wanting to try. “And more, I don’t deserve you, but here we are.” 

“You are my world,” their fingertips brush under the structure and it probably looks foolish from a stranger’s perspective, but they could care less. 

Junhee’s eyes are with hunger despite the meal they’ve been through. “You don’t know how bad I wanna kiss you right now.”

“We should go.” And just as it’s said their waiter comes by with the check.

Sehyoon insists on Junhee staying at his place, just to end the day on a decent note, also Junhee hasn’t been there once and what better time than now? And apparently Junhee had the same interest in mind, but wasn’t sure on how to approach it. They stop at Junhee’s before because apparently Junho wanted Sehyoon at qualifications whether he liked it or not and even better, they’re forced to leave for Jangchung early tomorrow morning to give Junhee more practice time. Donghun wishes him well on their way in and out, promising to get a gift later on, with Junhee’s help of course, the two still are in the works of becoming closer. 

“Byeongkwan should be home soon, it’s after midnight.” Junhee’s holding onto his waist as if it was the only thing that mattered in the moment. “He left the lights on,” Sehyoon nearly trips over a half full bottle of soju the moment they enter the apartment. “He drank before he left? I’m sorry it usually isn’t this messy, let me call him.” 

A phone rings down the hall and it almost worries Sehyoon because Byeongkwan isn’t one to be this irresponsible, needless to mention he’s the neat freak of the friendship. The lights leading down the hallway aren’t on, but he uses the constant ringing to guide him. It’s closer than he can feel and as he reaches through nothing to retrieve the device, he steps on a structure that whines at the sudden pressure. 

Sehyoon rushes to turn on the light and as expected, Byeongkwan’s passed out just mere feet from Sehyoon’s room. 

“Hyung,” he extends an arm. “I hope that’s you.” 

“Did you even go out?” He kicks his rib cage out of annoyance and a whimper falls from the body below him. “You always leave this job to me.” 

“Is everything okay?” Junhee leads himself down the hall, but nearly backtracks at the sight of Byeongkwan stretched thin over their carpet. “Is he alright?” 

“He’s fine,” Sehyoon crouches to throw Byeongkwan’s limp arm over his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, hyung.” The oh too familiar sobbing of this cycle begins. “Chan said I had too much, but I really wanted another so I just took one bottle. I made a mess, I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah, it’s okay.” Sehyoon has to hold an inhale when Byeongkwan speaks, he never was a fan of the stench alcohol brings. “My room, you can put your things there.” He points with his free hand and Junhee complies. 

Sehyoon gets Byeongkwan to his own room and bed despite the struggle he puts up. He regains himself after undressing the boy, he could go without having his complaints the following morning. 

“Does he usually drink that much?” Junhee speaks the second he enters his room, he’s sitting, legs folded, on his bed, already dressed in what’s considered his pajamas. 

“If the occasion calls for it,” Sehyoon follows suit with tossing himself of his layers. “It isn’t that he’s a heavy drinker, he just can’t hold anything he downs.” 

Junhee nods as Sehyoon has his back towards him and he takes it that Junhee understands and has no further words. 

The briskness of his room pricks at his bare skin when he’s free of all but his briefs. Chances are Byeongkwan will fret over him raising the thermostat, Sehyoon knows he hates nothing more than the heat, but this is for the sake of himself and potentially his guest, though Junhee doesn’t seem the faintest bothered by the atmosphere. But as he’s sure of his decision on another round of Kim Byeongkwan’s rants, he’s met with a structure just as he’s in the works of going for their living room. 

His back still faces the opposite from his door as Junhee wanders his arms around his chest, clasping his hands when he leans in to rest his lips just before Sehyoon’s ear. “Is it okay if I kiss you now?” 

No use in messing with the thermostat anymore, his body steals the warmth that Junhee’s brings and he can feel his own heating from sudden arousal, starting from his finger tips and ears down to his neck. Junhee’s voice is low and stern, like he knows just how to fuck with Sehyoon, twisting all the correct gears. 

He nods from the state of floating on a cloud, doused in bliss as Junhee holds a firm grasp on his shoulders, turning Sehyoon’s entire figure to meet his, he dips his head straight into the kiss. 

It’s passionate, they’re always passionate, sometimes until it’s unbearable, like right now. It’s unbearable, Sehyoon can barely stand on his own two feet, it just might’ve been the best twenty-four hours of his life. He doesn’t want to sleep, or stay awake, like this in Junhee’s hold, melting under his spell seems fine for now. 

Junhee’s hands trail from the base of his back to his behind, in which he squeezes and Sehyoon’s shot straight onto his tip toes, Junhee giggles as they ease into the affection furthermore. Sehyoon leads them until Junhee hits the arm of his bed and as planned, they fall onto the furniture. The roles have taken their own turn and Junhee bites onto the skin right above Sehyoon’s collarbone, he retains what he’s sparing Byeongkwan of, though nine times out of ten he’s passed out right about now, but dare he wake up, Sehyoon wouldn’t want to be a factor in such. 

But it’s when Junhee begins to worry the piece of skin between his teeth, a mark sure to be left, that the moan falls out that Sehyoon has to reduce to a hiss, still Junhee doesn’t cease, caressing Sehyoon’s cheek with the thumb of his free hand, the other occupied atop his frame as Sehyoon grows frantic under the pleasing hold. He attempts to muffle what he fails to control with his forearm, but Junhee thinks otherwise, pinning Sehyoon’s arm behind his back, now using his before occupied hand to smooth out the opposite side of his pretty face. 

Sehyoon’s body is limp over Junhee’s, the area above his collarbone is numbing when his backside is placed on the bed and the other seems like a daze above him, he could pass out right in the moment had Junhee not began planting the softest of kisses from his chest down to the dip right before his clothing. He yearns for relief, twisting every which way, but Junhee doesn’t budge, he holds the remainder of his body still with a single palm, running a finger of the other along his waistband. 

“I just want you to feel appreciated,” Sehyoon’s eyes are softly shut, still he can feel when a pair are on him. “Do you want this?” 

He nods weakly, humming when Junhee fails to comprehend. The waistband of his briefs are pulled slightly only to slap onto his skin, he gasps at the sudden brisk air to his hard on and Junhee smiles, catching on to his severe sensitivity. He kisses the imprint of his clothing and Sehyoon’s back elevates into an arch. “Don’t do that, I can’t take it,” his voice is at a whisper. 

“Shouldn’t I continue then?” Sehyoon would throw every curse word at him if they hadn’t died in his throat as Junhee dragged his tongue across his clothed item, his body still pressed down against the mattress and he has no choice but strain himself, another moan falling from his lips when Junhee repeats the maneuver, he could fall apart right now if he wanted to.

Junhee’s just about to rid him of the underwear when there’s knocks at his door and a voice that could almost belong to a toddler, but Sehyoon knows it too well to think so.

He’s regaining his breath when Byeongkwan calls for him again, if he could kick him to the curb right now, he would. 

“What’s wrong?” Byeongkwan’s draped against the wall when he opens the door. 

“I can’t sleep,” he motions to nothing in particular. “Will you sleep with me?” 

He’s back at square one of getting Byeongkwan back to his room in this form. “You’re a pain to sleep with, I’ll stay until you fall asleep, sounds good?” He’s tired himself and his voice does nothing but radiate the energy.

“I’m not gonna wake back up?” 

“Not if you try, honey.” He sits at the end of Byeongkwan’s bed, opposite of his head because had he laid down, he would’ve fallen asleep with his best friend, leaving his boyfriend in the room of his own home, alone.

He didn’t get a good look at the clock on Byeongkwan’s nightstand when he tucked him in, but it’s been at least half an hour and he’s finally clocked out, safe to say the least. Sehyoon fears that Junhee’s called it a night himself as it is more than late and they both have to be up in mere hours, with Byeongkwan only to blame. 

But he isn’t. He’s under his blankets, face buried into the screen of his phone when he finds himself back in his room. They’re both far too drained to resume anything. 

“He’s a handful, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s all good, no worries.” Junhee pushes himself under Sehyoon’s arm, neither having any intention on moving it, just adjusting until the other’s comfortable. “You’re a really good friend, you know that?”

Sehyoon can only laugh, barely. “I try.” 

No futher words are exchanged. Junhee’s nuzzled against him like an infant to their mother, he couldn’t feel anymore complete. The clock reads 3:46AM just as he brings his eyes to a rest and he isn’t sure if this is genuine happiness or if he just had a _really_ nice day, but he could definitely go for a few more of them in the future. Feels good.


	20. bad time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter makes me anxious??? i wrote it all too fast i just hope you guys like it.. another note i just wanted to say if i don’t/can’t reply to you guys’ comments i always read them and they mean the world to me also 100 kudos????? thank you guys so much for the support it’s crazy

“Sehyoon, I need you to wake up.”

His room is illuminated a dark purple due to the stirring morning sky. Junhee ripping open his curtains doesn’t do much but turn him towards the wall. Usually, Sehyoon would have no problem with waking up early, this early, because _usually_ he’d be already awake. But it isn’t any fair for the few times he has the comfort of someone beside him that grants him peaceful slumber, he’s forced against his will to be up at the literal ass crack of dawn. 

“I am,” he isn’t. He’s sitting, legs folded, still on his bed dozing off every few seconds while Junhee’s near completely dressed, they have to leave in twenty minutes. 

“You aren’t,” he snatches the blanket from Sehyoon and he crouches into an immediate ball, using his arms for warmth. “Get dressed, we have to go.” 

Junhee has to drag him from the bed to his wardrobe and even then, dig through bundles upon bundles of his clothing to find the track team’s windbreaker, their only dress code for the weekend via coach. 

“I don’t wanna wear this,” Sehyoon groans as he begins to help in dressing himself. 

“Don’t have a choice.” 

They get Sehyoon together and leave out in double the time they were scheduled to, Jangchung isn’t far from school but they could both be spared the complaints from coach. No doubt he’s already there, waiting to send Junhee straight into the mouths of these professional athletes all looking for one thing, the gold. They’re all better than Junhee, and no one’s better than him, no one, but he’s been breaking his number rule since the scolding from Junior year and cheated himself into watching his competition.

They’re good, they’re all too good. And of course these are just the confirmed competitors, people who are bold enough to submit their names into the pool of runners that’ll all fight to be number one. Most are adults, athletes Junhee’s never even heard of before, but that doesn’t discredit their talent, they’re monsters on the track. He doesn’t know how he’s gonna make it through the weekend.

Sure enough, coach was on the track of Jangchung Arena, suffering from the forced interaction with other competitors’ coaches and managers, coach is the kind of person who could care less about anyone or anger anything else other than himself and his money, Junhee’s almost at a laugh from the strained smile he’s wearing. 

“You’re late,” coach hands Sehyoon a new stopwatch, patting Junhee on the back as he instructs his game plan for the next half hour. “Three laps. Two warm ups, last one sprint. Cool down then another four, all sprints.” 

Sehyoon objects. “Don’t you think that’s a little much?” 

“You aren’t the one running, boy. Get to it.”

Sehyoon could say the same about the old man, but reserves all arguments for another day. The arena’s track is near empty, some athletes also taking the grant of arriving early for extra practice, mostly colors on windbreakers Sehyoon’s never seen before, people he isn’t familiar with, but he wouldn’t count any of them out. 

He and Junhee follow Junho’s mandates as instructed, Junhee either landing on a current record or below, nothing more, something they blame both on nerves. Of course the excuse doesn’t cut it for Junho and they’re thrown back onto the track until Junhee’s worn out into a pulp.

“I would live for you to just call him out on his shit again,” Sehyoon accepts a towel from a woman with credentials at the exit of the track, tossing it over Junhee’s shoulder. “He’s obviously threatened by you all fired up and shit.” 

“Yeah and no matter how _fired_ _up_ I am, he has every right to kick me off the team, what am I gonna do then?” They step into the lobby of the competing athletes’ hotel.

Sehyoon inhales to answer but he’s cut off when they’re stopped in their tracks by the oh too familiar face of Yonsei’s favorite. He steps back a few, his presence obviously isn’t wanted in the upcoming conversation.

“Well, who do we have here?” Hojung tilts his head and folds his arms, a smile wiped across his face. “Heard you would be here.”

“Can’t say the same about you.” Hojung winces at the remark, but doesn’t let it stain him. 

“Ouch, didn’t expect you to be so cold. Still tight over our little,” he pauses to think of the appropriate word, Junhee isn’t fazed. “Disagreement?”

“What does it matter to you?” Junhee dabs his neck with the towel. “Am I done doing charity work? It would put a smile on my face if I didn’t have to entertain you.”

“Hold on, Jun-ah,” Hojung nearly lands a hand atop Junhee hadn’t he stepped back, matching up with Sehyoon again.

Jun. Sehyoon hasn’t heard anyone call him that yet, not even Donghun. And that’s when it hits exactly where it should hurt, he recalls how close Hojung and Junhee must’ve been during their time. He shouldn’t dwell on it, but his conscience wants otherwise.

“Who’s this?” Hojung glances Sehyoon’s way, if his jacket could swallow him whole right now, that would be convenient. “I see you guys on social media everywhere, he _is_ just as good looking as the photos. You haven’t moved on so fast, have you?” 

Junhee does a poor job at standing in front of Sehyoon to cover his frame, the tips of his ears tinting a faint red. Hojung has a way with words, he’ll give him that. 

“He’s our team manager and I don’t think that’s any of your business, is it?”

“Oh, you’re most certainty right, Junnie,” he shifts over to smile at Sehyoon. “But you guys must be close, I mean being that you go out everywhere together.” 

Sehyoon thinks he’s about to be sick. “You’ve always been this pathetic, Hojung.” Junhee sidesteps to reveal Sehyoon again, then heads for the elevator, leaving him dead in front of Hojung, the man’s stare is lethal. “It’s sickening. Hurry and go practice, I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow!” 

Sehyoon’s stuck in his own steps for a moment until the clipboard he’s had a grip on since they left the track slips from his fingertips. He shuffles over to Junhee’s side after recovering, bowing Hojung’s way before doing so and internally smacking himself afterwards. 

Junhee waits for the elevator to seal and take off to voice himself again. “I’m sorry.” 

“No, no it’s okay.” Sehyoon’s jittery from the previous encounter, no doubt and Junhee catches on, latching his hand onto his own, smoothing circles into his palm. 

The contact doesn’t last long when the doors open and they’re met with another one of Junhee’s apparent colleagues, more or less to say. 

“Park Junhee?” A smile emerges onto the man’s face who’s far more older than them both, he embraces Junhee with a hug. “It’s been so long, how are you?”

“Mr. Shin,” they step further into the hall. “I’m alright, doing fine. I kind of expected to see you here, but not so soon. Bora competing today?” 

“Indeed she is, what about you tomorrow?” 

“Yes, sir.”

“I’ll be rooting you on too, then.” Junhee flashes his smile at the comment. 

“Thank you, sir. I’d love to chat more, but I’m absolutely exhausted right now, see you later on? Send Bora my good lucks!” 

“Will do, son. Good luck yourself.” 

Sehyoon peels himself from the wall when the man enters the still waiting elevator and it’s them two in the hallway. “He’s one of my dad’s closest friends. His daughter and I grew up together, she’s one of the reasons why I’m here today.” 

“That’s nice,” and it is, but Sehyoon’s mind still swims through Hojung and his sly comments towards them both. Things don’t bother Sehyoon as much as they used to, he’s grown a shell between his sensitivity and people’s outlooks on him since everything went down, but this isn’t about everyone now, it’s about Hojung, someone who once meant maybe the world to Junhee, maybe more. What he says, thinks, and does suddenly matters.

“You hungry? I’ll call room service or something.” Junhee settles in the computer chair placed neatly under a desk before they entered their room. 

“No, still tired,” and that’s a valid excuse that might just make some sense. 

“Okay, well uh, I’ll go pick up something anyway. You go on and sleep and you can eat later, sounds good?”

Sehyoon buries himself beneath the duvets. “Sounds fine.” 

Only it doesn’t. It sounds terrible. He’s lost his appetite and though he’s still drained, his will to sleep has vanished and he wants nothing more than to go back home, study until his eyes fall from their sockets, and prepare for his art final, the only thing that worried him up until now. 

Now Sehyoon worries about the public and what they think of him all over again. Social media thinks he’s attractive apparently, but the others? The ones who almost look at him sideways when he’s on the streets with Junhee, like he doesn’t belong with him. He knows he doesn’t, but to get a feeling that people may think the same, leaves a taste on his tongue. 

What does Hojung think of him? Only if he had the courage to ask himself, but everything about the boy from Yonsei is a menace to Sehyoon. 

He doesn’t get the sleep he deserves during the time Junhee’s away and Sehyoon assumes he cheated himself into more practice time because it’s been quite a few hours and he’s still engulfed in blankets, staring at the dull ceiling above him. His thoughts are still consuming him and Junhee still isn’t back, right about now he’d start taking things upon himself, but this isn’t the time nor place for such.

“So, you’re near tears in the hotel room because his little fling looked at you weird?” Byeongkwan’s specs rest on the bridge of his nose, he’s been studying. 

“Pretty much.” Sehyoon shifts onto his side, holding the phone inches from his face.

“Do you think him and Junhee have something like—going on behind the scenes?” 

“What?” He springs upwards, his phone falling to the floor, he counters as he retrieves it. “Why would I even go near that assumption? Do you?” 

“Of course not,” Byeongkwan’s tone doesn’t change. “But you definitely sound jealous.” 

“Jealous? I have nothing to be jealous over.”

“I mean obviously you do. They were really close, he calls him by a cute nickname and you don’t, they had chemistry—”  

“Byeongkwan.” 

“I’m kidding,” he gives a sympathetic smile. “You’re Kim Sehyoon, dude. You shouldn’t even have to compare yourself to that guy,” yet he does. “So what if he looks at you weird? Maybe he’s the one jealous and that’s just his own problem, he’ll get over it.”

“I guess you’re right,” the front door beeps and Junhee emerges from the hall, bags in hand. “I’ll call you later.” 

He watches wordlessly as Junhee unravels himself from the plastic, unpacking each, it concludes when he makes his way to Sehyoon with a styrofoam container and spoon in hand. “Bingsu. I found a place nearby,” he extends his arms over to Sehyoon with a smile.

“Still not hungry.” Junhee’s face wipes with disappointment. Despite Byeongkwan’s words, he can’t help but feel upset or _jealous_ , not at Junhee in specific but there’s no way he’d get in arm’s reach of Hojung again, not even if he tried. 

“Okay,” there’s a pit of guilt somewhere in Junhee’s stomach that he’s yet to fish out because he’s aware that Sehyoon’s upset, whether it had been over earlier or whatever he has going on at the moment, but the cold attitude towards him is so foreign, he feels like an outsider. “If you want it later, it’s in here.” The mini fridge the hotel grants any guest is barely enough to hold the dish, but it’s either that or melt. 

There’s uninvited tension in the room and Junhee feels the need to voice the obvious, but if it turns out that he isn’t the reason for the disdain Sehyoon holds then he’d only look like a fool and in the long run, cause unwanted conflict. “I’m gonna shower, do you need anything?” 

Sehyoon’s eyes aren’t even close to peeling from his phone screen. “I’m fine.” 

Junhee looks like a dog that’s been kicked to the curb before entering the bathroom and Sehyoon only feels more like shit because he’s done nothing wrong, he never does anything wrong, but this is his conscience tainting his well-being. He has no valid reason to be mad at Junhee, but still he is when the boy only does his utmost best to make Sehyoon happy.

And now he wants to apologize because he’s hurting the only person who’s been the cause of his modern day joy, but then he’d have to explain himself and that seems selfish, but he’s just leaning towards the option of them sleeping it off and forgetting all the following day. But knowing Sehyoon, that’s far from possible.

His back is towards Junhee when he finds his place beside Sehyoon in the bed. There’s space, too much space, and it feels so empty because he’s right there, all Sehyoon has to do is roll over, but he isn’t planning to.

“He calls you Jun,” that’s the first thing he can think to voice, only Junhee doesn’t want to argue, not with Sehyoon, never with him. “Who?” 

Sehyoon regains himself. “Don’t do this.” 

“Okay, and if he does?” Junhee turns onto his back. 

“You haven’t asked me to call you that.” 

“I didn’t ask him either.” 

Sehyoon follows suit, staring at the ceiling once again. “So why does he?” 

“Sehyoon, I already told you about Hojung and I.” 

“And what about us?” His voice raises the slightest bit before he catches himself. 

Junhee sits up. “What do you mean? What about us?” 

He faces the door again. “Forget it.” 

“Are you seriously upset over a name? Call me Jun then, I don’t care.” 

“I’m not upset,” he brings the blanket over his head. 

“Then why else would you bring it up?” 

Sehyoon tears the layer from him, sitting himself up as well. “Because I can? Because I wanted to know?” 

It’s the first time they’ve faced each other properly since earlier in the day, when Hojung wasn’t a killing factor. “Whatever,” Junhee reaches over to switch the lamp off. “Go to sleep, let’s go to sleep. It’s over.” 

Junhee regains his place laying down, but Sehyoon remains sitting, legs folded, staring at the darkness ahead of him. He could cry right now if he wanted to, he’d rather not have things get heated like this between them, but he has no right to when he brought this upon them both. 

His system’s been empty since yesterday at dinner and it begs for mercy in the silence the room now brings. He’d be so dumb to eat the Bingsu and fall asleep like nothing happened, like they didn’t just have an actual argument over a name because of Sehyoon and his damaged self, it’d be wrong. 

“Sorry,” he fiddles with his fingers. There’s no response, but Junhee’s awake, he couldn’t go to sleep like this even if he wanted to. “I’m sorry.” 

The bed loses its dip when Junhee turns the lamp on. Sehyoon has to rush to clean his face of the tears of frustration before Junhee can sit before him again, but he’s far too late and embraced into his lap. 

“It’s just a name,” Junhee runs his fingers through his locks, rocking them back and forth. “It has no meaning, I promise.”

“I know, it’s just—” he couldn’t bring up how he constantly torments himself with the thought of Junhee and Hojung together. “I know.” 

“I don’t wanna argue with you like that, not over things that worthless,” the last part wasn’t necessary, but oddly eases Sehyoon. “He means nothing to me, at all.”

And it is over now, but Sehyoon knows it’ll take much more than that to completely erase his mind of the boy between them.

**.  .  .**

“Nervous?” Sehyoon juggles his stopwatch, pacing their room as Junhee laces his shoes. 

“You know I’m nervous, you piece of shit.”

“Yikes,” coverage of the race begins in a little under fifteen minutes. “What exactly are you nervous about?” 

Junhee’s head rises and he stares like Sehyoon didn’t just ask the obvious. “Sehyoon.” 

“I’m asking a question!” He leans against the wall. “Can’t you answer it?” 

Junhee dwells on the question. It isn’t embarrassing, is it? “Well I mean, they’re gonna beat me.” 

“And why do you think so?”

Junhee stands, beginning to pace the room himself. “Have you seen them? They’re all better than me, there’s no way I’m doing this.” 

“Better? Than you?” Sehyoon trails from the wall onto the bed. “Have you seen _yourself_? You only have to make it into the top three, you can do that.” 

“Easier said than done.” 

No amount of reassurance can dismiss the nerves from Junhee, but Sehyoon’s determined to do just the trick. “Who are you?” He has his hands folded together and elbows placed on his knees. 

Junhee pauses and cocks his head. “What?”

Sehyoon repeats and Junhee points to himself, he nods. “Is this is a trick question?”

Sehyoon rests his chin upon his hands and waits. “I’m Junhee?” 

“That’s right.” 

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

They have mere minutes left. “No time for questions, we gotta go.” 

Sehyoon throws an arm around Junhee’s neck as they exit the room, he only stares in confusion. If he’s being honest, he has no idea what it means himself, but he has until they get to the lobby to find a meaning behind this. 

They board the elevator with a few other competitors and their coaches, all with years on him and Junhee, they’re seniors and not a single face that Sehyoon’s eyes run over exude a feeling of nervousness, it sends a shiver down his spine. But Junhee can do it, he’s not sure if he might as well be considered the underdog in this competition, but he’ll make it. 

There’s cameras the moment they leave the elevator, reporters rushing to the athletes, aching to get a pre-race interview, but all including Junhee brush past and head into the locker room. 

“Ah, I can’t do it,” Junhee finds a free corner amid all the runners for today and breaks into panic. Sitting then standing, pausing then pacing, Sehyoon has to jump back in. 

“Hey, stop.” He takes Junhee by both his arms, forcing him to focus on him only. “Who are you?” 

He looks like he’s about to break into tears. “Sehyoon, why do you keep asking me this?”

“Who are you?” 

“I’m Junhee,” he whines, stomping like a toddler, but the thought of the others in the room watching stops him. 

“That’s right,” but he has to continue this time. “I know what you can do, and so do you. I know you do. I don’t know the names of these people in here, nor do I care, but everyone in here knows yours. No matter what the outcome of today is, you’ve done so well up until this point. You’ve made a name not only for yourself, but our shit ass school and that stupid, old man that runs this.” It puts a faint smile on Junhee’s face, but the anxiety through his eyes doesn’t fade. 

“No fear. These people fear you, not vice versa. You’re the threat they’re all worried about. You don’t have time to be scared of them, but they make the time to practice and beat _your_ records because they’re scared of you. I bet you didn’t know you hold one of the top records for the 400M in the country right now. Did you?” 

Junhee declines and Sehyoon’s applauding himself for making it this far, the research he’s done in the past is paying off. “Right. Your only threat is yourself, Junhee. You’re the only person you have here to fear today. Just like any other meet, you’re the only competition, no matter who you see out there or in this room, it’s true.” 

The announcer requests for the runners to take their positions on the track and Junhee has to swallow the weight in his throat and the tears that he dared let spill. No one’s gave him prep speeches, excluding Donghun when he found the time to attend his meets, but it felt different coming from someone else who mattered just as much to him. 

“I’ll be out there don’t worry, I have a job to do,” he gives Junhee’s hand a squeeze. “No fear, okay?” 

Junhee nods and repeats the words to himself following after the line of athletes. Sehyoon clutches the stopwatch and breaks into a small victory dance over his words of encouragement, it’s usually the other way around, but to get to genuinely ease someone else’s worries, that’s something he’d like to get used to. 

He’s the last to leave the locker room and find his place on the perimeter of the track near Junho, who looks like he’s about to pass out from nerves himself. He could care less to reassure the man that everything’s gonna go great because truthfully, he doesn’t deserve it, but Sehyoon’s no asshole. At least he doesn’t try to be one. 

The race begins shortly after Junho’s calmed down and the track is twice the times bigger than theirs at school and the ones they compete against their rival schools on, this is an elite level field and it’s hard for Sehyoon to even spot Junhee at the starting line, he has no idea how his vision will make it to the opposite side. 

They’re off and some seniors hold the lead, it looks a little odd from Sehyoon’s perspective being that any other time Junhee’s the one who leads from start to finish. He scans the lanes for the boy and zeroes in on his ponytail flying through the wind, it’s him and Hojung neck and neck, obvious that they aren’t used to competition like this, but they’re fighting. 

And succeeding as they both catch up to a senior who could be in his late twenties that currently held the lead, but it isn’t too long until they both overthrow him, the two to be considered the leaders of the race now as it seems they’re both in first for a moment, neither growing a gap between themselves and the other boy and it’s like Sehyoon’s watching a normal meet again. 

It’s somewhere near the end where the same senior regains his lead and both Junhee and Hojung fight for the spot, but it’s no use as they cross the finishing line behind the man. 

There’s a celebration, for the senior, but Sehyoon along with Junho and practically the remainder of fans in the arena for the two college boys are left in confusion for the moment. They made it, Junhee and Hojung, but it’s been a neck and neck race for the two since the start, not once has Sehyoon been able to identify Junhee’s set position during the run. 

It seems both boys have taken notice of their ending as things go dull on the track, neither knowing to celebrate or sit and wait for confirmation. 

“What the fuck?” Hojung paces, hands over his head, and for once, Junhee agrees with his outburst. “We need a fucking replay.” 

Junhee plants his weight on one side, hand on his hip and the other through his hair as he frees the ponytail. “Give them time, they’re trying.” 

“Well, they need to hurry up. There’s no doubt I beat you, I don’t see what the misunderstanding is about.” 

“Is that all you seem to care about these days?” Junhee turns to the boy and his face is flushed, but it’s obvious he’s annoyed through the strained look. “Beating me? Is that what you care about now? Do you want to make it to our grandest stage just to say—you beat me? God, what has happened to you?” 

The gap decreases between them as Hojung approaches. “Please, Jun. You care about beating me too.”

“You’re right, I do. But I also care about making a legacy. I want people to know my name because I deserve it not because I beat Ko Hojung.” 

“Jun—” 

“No!” The cameras have turned elsewhere as they wait for the final decision, still he catches his yell and maintains an appropriate volume. “I don’t know what the hell I did to you and why you just—hate me so much,” Hojung mumbles something along the lines of not hating him, but Junhee doesn’t pay attention. “But this has to end. This rivalry—whatever the fuck this is, it has to stop, Hojung.”

Hojung rises to speak, but the pent up frustration continues to flow. “Remember what you started running for. You didn’t do it for me, to prove that you’re better than me. I’m not asking to patch anything up or be your friend, that’s the last thing I want. But you know why you started running, forget about me, forget about Park Junhee, he’s dead to you from this point forward.” 

The rival exterior Hojung’s put up against Junhee has fallen and he stares blankly, no words, those are long gone, just stares. 

The intercom systems sounds and the announcer declares a tie for second place between Junhee and Hojung, third both could care less for. Junhee’s ears begin to ring and he feels like he could pass out. Him and Hojung watch each other, the cameras have found their way back around, but that’s all they can do until Hojung takes initiative, pulling Junhee by his arm into a hug. 

And he breaks. Tears empty from Junhee’s eyes and stain his cheeks. He isn’t a crier, only if the situation calls for it and this most certainly does. This is what they’ve dreamed of, headlining articles together about how they made it, how they’re South Korea’s pride as they enter the Olympics together, it’s what they raved on and on about since the moment they met. 

Hojung breaks the hold to face Junhee once again, giggling at his sudden tears. “Looks like we’re going, Jun.” 

Sehyoon’s trailing behind Junho further onto the track, but all freezes when the jumbotron broadcasts Junhee consumed in the arms of someone that isn’t him. He squints and another angle appears of Hojung on the other side. His fingertips go numb and by now, Junho’s reunited with his star runner, but Sehyoon has no plans on making his way anywhere near. 

He’s definitely going crazy. 

There’s an open chair that he can regain himself in before Junhee notices he isn’t there yet that he goes for, but the sleeve of his windbreaker is caught as he turns. 

Just to his luck, the boy is presented in front of Sehyoon, all smiles, stains down his cheeks that Sehyoon knows far too well and confusion really takes a toll on him, Junhee didn’t cry in the arms of Hojung, there’s no way. 

He throws his arms around Sehyoon’s neck and for a moment, he’s stiff until settling his own upon Junhee’s waist. He does his best to get a recap of his pre-race self before the contact concludes. “What’d I say?” 

Junhee’s smile grows and he breaks into a victory dance of his own, Sehyoon wanting to find a place far from the other purely out of embarrassment. “This is insane!” 

“I’m proud of you,” a genuine smile finds its place upon Sehyoon’s lips becahse that, for one, is true. 

They could kiss each other, it could definitely happen, but not here in front of all of the cameras and fans, Junhee said something about his father and sisters attending as well, not in front of them. 

They smile like fools until Junhee’s name is called from behind them and Junho waves his arms around like a madman. “I have to go. Press might be a little longer than usual and my dad may want to go out afterwards, so it’s alright if you head on back up, explore the town or whatever. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

Sehyoon finds it hard to voice anything else and only nods before Junhee jogs back over to the herd of cameras and he’s left to do God knows what for the following hours. No way he’ll want to go back to their room and fall back into his thoughts doubting his place in Junhee’s life. Sehyoon isn’t a drinker, but he’s considering becoming one today. But then, of course there will be no one to take care of him afterwards, so there’s no use in that. He’d actually prefer not to roam the streets of a place he barely knows. Back to their room seems nice after all. 

**.  .  .**

“To success?” A shot glass is raised in front of Junhee, he completes the cheer. “To success.” 

He bows to the waiter placing their fifth bottle of soju on the table and it’s obvious Hojung is far done, but Junhee can go for a few more if he’s being honest, he’s being treated, there might as well be no stopping him. 

“Thanks for accepting this,” Hojung rests his elbow on the mahogany above them. “I’m sure you have plenty of better things to do.” 

He does, in bed with Sehyoon, cuddled together until they both clock out would’ve been the highlight of his day. “My dad had errands, we’re gonna go out another day, so I was actually free ahead of,” he gestures to the bar they sit in, “This.” 

Hojung’s eyes shape into crescents under his frames when he smiles. It’s the one thing Junhee remembers loving about him. 

“Anything for an old—friend,” he adds. 

Hojung’s expression fades at the comment and his eyes find his own reflection in the polished wooden table. “That’s kind of what I wanted to talk about as well.” 

Junhee sits the bottle down and suddenly he’s all ears. “I really wanted to apologize to you formally. I was really shitty and immature back then and what I did wasn’t cool, at all.” 

“You don’t say.” 

Hojung forces a laugh out. “Listen, you know how it was. I really liked you Jun and it was really nice, what we had. But I just feared of what would happened if we were actually in a relationship, and what could’ve happened if things didn’t work out.” 

“And this isn’t some excuse of why I cut you off so suddenly, nothing will excuse that. It was cruel and I promise I’ve grown from that heartless boy I was before. But I let my own feelings get ahead of myself and I hurt you in the process of trying not to hurt myself. I hope you can understand.” 

Of course he understands, as much as he doesn’t want to, he has no choice but to. “I do.” He spares them both of his feelings because Hojung doesn’t deserve to have that part of Junhee reopened, no matter how many apologies he gives. 

“I really missed you, Jun.”

Junhee can’t lie to himself and say this doesn’t feel nice. The overdue reunion of him and this old friend is rejuvenating, letting him know that he has nothing else to dwell on and worry about anymore. And Hojung’s presence itself, it’s a pleasure to be around, Junhee can’t say if he missed it or not, but he’ll enjoy it in the moment.

They just stare in sympathy until Hojung rises from his seat and extends himself over the table and Junhee only has to blame his intake of alcohol on why he lets Hojung kiss him. 

His eyes fall dull on the boy and he places a finger on his bottom lip, no way in hell this is happening. Not when he has someone just blocks away waiting for him, who he practically ditched for someone who fucked him over two years ago. 

When the look is far from joy written across Junhee’s face, Hojung panics. “Was that not what you wanted?”

“Was that not what I wanted? You’re kidding.”

Hojung glances at their surroundings and thankfully, no one pays them any mind. “I thought you said you weren’t seeing anyone.”

“I said it wasn’t your business,” he hisses. “And it isn’t.”

“Ah, I’m sorry.” Junhee wants to believe that he’s understood the mistake, but only begins to blame himself for letting it happen and what Sehyoon would think if he told him, what he would do. “I just wanted to fix things, for good.”

Junhee takes a long, uncomfortable drag at his glass. “And the first thing that went through your mind was a kiss?” It’s obvious the question isn’t meant to be answered. He doesn’t even have the mental capacity to be upset, the drinks are consuming him right now. “I need another bottle.” 

**.  .  .**

It definitely hasn’t been the weekend Sehyoon hoped for, he can confirm. Aside from Junhee a further step into his life goals, Sehyoon’s been drowning in his own misery for majority of it. He doesn’t even know who the blame at this point. 

It’s nearing midnight when Sehyoon’s settles on the fact that Junhee and his father are spending quality time together and he can’t have the boy to himself every second of the day. He’ll be by his side when he wakes in the morning, hopefully, and they’ll have the day to hang out, if someone more important doesn’t come up again. 

No way he’ll fall asleep at his rate, but that doesn’t stop him from trying and he nearly succeeds at the thought of Junhee being with him through at least the last half of his slumber when there’s stumbling that’s heard from outside of the room. He assumes it’s another round of runners from today celebrating their accomplishments, they’ve been coming and going since night fully emerged, but there’s a whiny voice that he’s almost positive he knows that becomes clearer as the steps further into the hall. 

All concludes for a moment, then there’s banging at the hotel door and Sehyoon jumps under the duvets. 

“Sehyoonie!” He tip toes towards the voice. “It’s me! Sehyoonie, it’s me! I’m here!”

Sehyoon doesn’t bother looking through the peephole because as the voice continues he understands who it is and Junhee’s limp structure falls onto the carpet when he opens the door, Hojung is behind it. His heart sinks to his ass. 

Junhee claws his way into the room and Sehyoon just stares at the other male in front of him. “He’s staying here, right?” Sehyoon doesn’t bother confirming. “He drank a lot and he can usually hold his liquor, but he kinda went overboard.” 

“Oh,” Sehyoon glances down at Junhee now clutching onto his ankle. “Thank you.”

“It’s obvious you’re Sehyoon though, right?” He points to himself and Hojung laughs, he wasn’t trying to be funny. “I’m Hojung. I’m sure I’ll see more of you in the future?” 

“Huh?”

“Being that you’re the team’s manager, you’ll be with us for the Olympics, right?” 

That’s right. “Right.” 

He smiles and his eyes form their own shapes of crescents, this guy is the complete package. “Anyway, I’ll leave him to you.” 

Sehyoon’s nearly forgot about Junhee below him. “Yeah. Uh, congratulations, by the way.”

He flashes the smile again. “Thank you. Have a good night.” 

Sehyoon drags the remainder of Junhee into the room, the door slamming after them. He’d leave him on the floor like this if he could because he’s far too confused to deal with settling him for the night, but it’s Sehyoon, he could never. 

“Whew,” Junhee finally speaks up from his state of near unconsciousness. “I had _a_ _lot_ of drinkies!” 

“You have got to be kidding me right now.” 

He rids Junhee of his clothes, tossing them elsewhere to clean up in the morning. Junhee climbs onto the bed himself, patting the space beside him as if Sehyoon didn’t plan on laying there. 

“I had tons of fun today,” he giggles uncontrollably after the comment and if Sehyoon had the balls he’d hand Junhee back to Hojung, his obvious rightful owner, and call Byeongkwan for a ride home. But it’s the whisper into his ear that actually sends him over the edge for the worse. 

“Hojungie, he kissed me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter in the books that i am not a fan of haha! i feel like it was rushed??? idk but i’m definitely not feelin it but if you guys liked then everything is okay :) also there were a shit ton of typos in this one so if you caught it i’m sorry i swear i’m not dumb


	21. love is so nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw there’s a suicide attempt in this chapter with some not so graphic details but if it doesn’t sit well with you then please skip to after the first “. . .” divider thank you!
> 
> also i was on the rushing side when editing And writing so sorry for the shitty quality nearing the end i have things to do today but i really had to get this update in and please ignore my usual typos ok yeah enjoy

Sehyoon didn’t sleep that night.

Junhee slept like an angel though. Of course he did. 

He’s losing his mind. There’s no room for crying because his state is sitting on the border on if he should believe Junhee or not. 

Why would he lie? Sehyoon’s been asking himself the question the moment Hojung appeared behind Junhee’s wasted figure last night. Not that Sehyoon would have much of a problem if he decided to go out with a friend for celebratory matters, but when the friend’s suddenly Ko Hojung, someone who just the night before Junhee swore meant nothing to him, it gets a little different. 

The scene on the track replays in Sehyoon’s head of Junhee and Hojung clinging onto each other for dear life. It’s actually been eating him up inside, but he’s been managing to keep his feelings in tact. It’s all too baffling, Sehyoon can’t erase the fact that they had history, that’ll probably haunt him for as long as he lives, but that was the past, at what expense did he deserve to see history repeat itself? 

It wouldn’t make sense if they suddenly made up, not to Sehyoon. Not that fast at least, but he’s trying to connect the dots and make the obvious work. 

Junhee’s only been truthful to Sehyoon up until now. And he thinks it’s safe to say that he’s given all his trust to him. He never worries about his whereabouts and personal matters when they aren’t together, he shouldn’t have to, but now he’s questioning the opposite. 

How does he approach Junhee? Trick question, he doesn’t. Not anytime soon that’s for sure. He doesn’t wanna distance himself, he can’t, this is his boyfriend we’re talking about. His boyfriend who went and let irrelevancy perform action reserved for Sehyoon and only him. Distancing himself is the only option, it gives him the time to repress the trauma from the previous night and recuperate in order to function like his normal self whenever he decides to let things normalize themselves again. 

Byeongkwan is on the slower side when it comes to replying, granted it’s barely 8AM, but Sehyoon manages to secure his ride before Junhee has any say in it. 

Sehyoon’s managed to plant and secure Junhee on the complete opposite side of the bed as he fell into slumber the night before, he wouldn’t have been able to concentrate and come up with his master plan of unhealthy coping if they were all tangled up per usual, so it isn’t the customed hassle when he leaves the mattress to begin repacking his belongings.

Junhee clears his throat and there’s shuffling of the sheets, Sehyoon pauses and remains still as if he isn’t on the center floor in now broad daylight, but there’s nothing else on Junhee’s end and he resumes.

“You’re packing so early.” His voice is groggy and dry despite the previous action.

Sehyoon accidentally zips in a piece of his skin into the bag and hisses. “Oh, I um—Byeongkwan’s on his way to get me, we have things to do today, a lot.” 

“I still could’ve taken you home,” Junhee cocoons himself in the duvets before sitting up. “How far is he? Call and tell him I’ll bring you.”

“No, no it’s fine, really.” Still, this won’t settle for Junhee, he knows. “He’s almost here anyway, it’ll just be a waste.” 

He stares at Sehyoon dully before breaking into a stretch, his bones waking sounding the entire room, he sighs and turns back to Sehyoon at the conclusion. “God, why’d I drink so much?” 

It’s best to play it dumb yet safe for now. “You went drinking alone?” 

Junhee inhales to deny, but the instant replay of Hojung all smiles before kissing him last night sends guilt straight to the pit of his stomach. And before he can make up his lie, he’s out for the toilet in the first stage of his hangover recovery. 

Sehyoon doesn’t help this time, just sits on the hotel floor with only his thoughts as company. It’s almost insane how he can taste the lie Junhee thought of in the few seconds he was spared before sent to the bathroom. He could cry so hard right now if he wanted to. And he does, but he can’t. 

It’s not fair when Sehyoon cries and Junhee cradles him in his lap, telling him everything will be okay and how he’s got him. It isn’t fair because it’s when Sehyoon’s in doubt that Junhee reminds him how precious he is and how lucky he is to have Sehyoon. It isn’t fair because Sehyoon’s in doubt now, about himself again, but Junhee’s in the picture, and not as the mediator between Sehyoon and his issues. It isn’t fair because Sehyoon’s in doubt about this relationship, and not his every now and then thoughts of where they could be in the future, this is about the present. 

He’s interrupted by Byeongkwan’s notification of his arrival and frankly, Sehyoon has no intentions on bidding Junhee a proper goodbye, being that this will be the final time they’re together for a _while_ , Sehyoon’s determined to rebuild a little bit of his walls, and Junhee has no idea. 

But just as he reaches for the handle, Junhee’s fresh from the bathroom, patting his mouth dry with a hand towel. He stands and watches Sehyoon, connecting the dots to how he didn’t plan on saying goodbye. 

“You weren’t gonna tell me you were leaving?” 

Sehyoon holds his nape. If Junhee had aims of lying, can’t he too? “Thought you were in the shower, I would’ve texted.” 

“Alright,” Junhee really doesn’t want him to, but the more he sees Sehyoon, the more he feels he needs to tell him about the prior night. “Travel safely. I’ll see you later, okay?”

His throat is beginning to close. “Bye.” 

Junhee looks like he has more to say and Sehyoon’s sure he does, but the fact that he isn’t hurts more than he could imagine. There’s no way things are crumbling between them, just give Sehyoon the time. 

Byeongkwan’s peeling off the last bit of a face mask when Sehyoon settles himself in the car. “I have an exam at nine so we gotta go.” 

It’s a little soothing to know that he can still give trust to someone else in his life. Byeongkwan forever puts Sehyoon before himself in life situations and he’s just eternally grateful for the boy. 

All conversations are withheld until they hit the highway. “Hey, I peaked at your art final yesterday. It’s the start of a mural, right? Where’s it going?” 

“School wall.” 

“Woah!” He breaks contact with the road to glance at Sehyoon, who’s expression is the polar opposite. “You’re finally letting the world see your work, huh? When does it have to be up?” 

“Tomorrow.” 

The car jerks. “What? Sehyoon, I’m no critique, but that doesn’t look done.” 

“It isn’t. I’ll get there.”

Minutes pass until Byeongkwan decides to speak on the dullness of his person. “You okay?”

Sehyoon really hates how sensitive he is sometimes, like now because he’s on the verge of bursting at the question. “Yeah.” 

“Did something happen to his car? Every time I offer to pick you up you’re so quick on denying.” 

“I just wanted to come home, he was still sleep anyway.” 

Byeongkwan taps on the wheel. “You aren’t still mad about that guy, are you?”

There’s no use in lying to his best friend, he has nothing to do with any of this. “They kissed.” 

He whips his neck in Sehyoon’s direction. “Excuse me?”

“Well, _he_ kissed Junhee, technically speaking, but it happened,” his throat is welling again. “And yes, I’m bitter.” 

“And he just told you this? Out of the blue?”

“I don’t think he knows he told me,” Byeongkwan’s eyes return to the road still he’s engaged in what Sehyoon has to say. “They went out for drinks when he told me he had plans with his dad. Why would he lie? And why with _him_? Out of all people?”

“Not saying I know all the details but did it ever occur to you that they made up in that short time?” 

It did. “No.” 

“Well, anything’s possible, Sehyoon.”

“Yet, he let the kiss happen.” 

“And you’re sure of that?”

No. “I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.”

And that’s where it ends. Byeongkwan knows far too well not to continue to push if Sehyoon doesn’t want to open up, he’ll come around one way or another. 

Sehyoon honestly has no idea how he’s gonna finish the rough draft per se of his mural and convert it onto the school’s main hallway by tomorrow at midnight. He isn’t as fond on murals as he wants to but the shortest it’s ever taken him to complete one was four days and the only breaks he took then was for the bathroom and to sleep. If he’s doing the math correctly, take away all those breaks and he could get this done in two days tops, but his professor doesn’t accept late work. So in conclusion, he’s fucked.

But that doesn’t stop him from trying. He doesn’t bother with unpacking his items when they arrive home, his first and only task for the next roughly thirty six hours is to complete his final piece of art he’ll create during his college career. 

Though Sehyoon doesn’t want to, he might have to rush which will only result in his grade plummeting, but it’s either that or potentially return to school next year only to complete his art class. 

Byeongkwan’s his moral and physical support as he sits and watches, feeding Sehyoon every other hour, careful not to spill anything on his drawing board, when he returns from his exam. Usually, Sehyoon prefers to be alone while working, he’s on the conscious side when someone’s around, but it’s Byeongkwan, nothjng he’ll ever do could make him self-conscious. 

“What is it?” Byeongkwan breaks the silence between the two for the first time in hours.

It’s a theme of his own. Their professor didn’t limit their possibilities and he had no choice but to take advantage of it. It’s a couple walking through a street, and so far it looks rather bland because there’s no color, but Sehyoon has plans for when he transfers it from his board to a wall and if everything goes as planned, he may blow his own mind. The color in this case is what adds all to the drawing, not the picture itself. 

On half of the first person, there’s nothing radiant, a dull scenery, worn out buildings, a sidewalk that’s near splitting into two, and this escapes onto majority of this first figure. They aren’t happy, their life is a personified replica of the side of the street they’re walking on. On the differing half is the total opposite, the color is ablaze, oozing from the building onto the sidewalk, plants bloom from every given crack in the street, it’s near utopia. As the person from the nirvana, essentially, side of the street reaches over to their significant other, the fingertips of the other begins to spark with color and though it won’t be visualized, their entire structure will transcend from the dark street they walk on into hue that the other is based. Their life is flipped upside down with only one word to thank, love. 

This, of course, is a representation of Sehyoon’s life and sure no one will know that, but it’s soothing to know that people will see and hopefully understand, what people like him go through and what they pray to become, happy. 

Byeongkwan’s in complete awe at the end of the explanation. “You’re really talented, you know that?” 

“It isn’t much.” Sehyoon wears a soft smile as he continues to sketch around the board.

“Maybe to you, but that almost moved to tears.” 

Sehyoon looks over his shoulder briefly and Byeongkwan is wiping at his imaginary weeping face, he chuckles before returning to his work. 

“Anyway, you continue to work hard, I’m off to the studio, got a class to teach.” Byeongkwan moves from Sehyoon’s bed, his feet padding against the carpet as he approaches the door. 

He leans back to get a better look at the work. “I’m about finished, so I’ll move this all over to school. Not sure if I’ll be there all night, but I’ll get permission from my professor if I plan on it. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?” 

Sehyoon smiles his way. “Positive.” 

“Alright,” he ruffles Sehyoon’s hair before exiting the room. 

It settles him so much knowing that no matter what, he’ll have Byeongkwan in his life. He’s an actual angel in human form, everyone deserves this best friend, Sehyoon’s glad he was lucky enough to be the one who holds that position. 

And then it occurs to him that he has someone else just as important in his life, someone who hasn’t contacted him all day despite the worried look as Sehyoon left the hotel room. Granted Sehyoon hasn’t made the effort to call Junhee either, but he has a grade to worry about. The only things Junhee apparently has on his mind? The Olympics, and the entire country knows he has that in the bag. 

The least Sehyoon expected was a text asking if they made it back safely and the least he could’ve done was sent a text saying just that, but afterwards? Would Junhee had cared to carry on the conversation? 

As much as Sehyoon hates to admit it or even think about it, he doesn’t matter to Junhee as much as he thought he did. He’s his boyfriend regardless, but that’s just a title, nothing more, but it seems to be everything less. 

He could still be in Jangchung for all Sehyoon knows, living it up with Hojung, who actually doesn’t seem to be the cause of this all. Sehyoon obviously doesn’t fall into the category of people who should be associated with Junhee, he’s known that from the start, but it isn’t until now that he’s actually realizing the harsh reality. 

Junhee deserves to be with people who make him happy, people who live lives like him, people who fell into his social class the day they were born, people who don’t suffer from life threatening illnesses that ruin their entire being, that ruin everyone else’s day with the simple fact that they aren’t happy, that they don’t live lives like Junhee, or make him happy. Junhee deserves to be with people like Hojung, someone who made him happy, and Sehyoon’s sure he can do it again. Hojung and Sehyoon aren’t alike in any way, shape, or form, they never were and never will be. Hojung’s got it going for him, he and Junhee will be the faces to look for during the Olympics, Sehyoon’s the face to look for in the list of fuck over cheaters. 

Sehyoon will never make Junhee happy, no matter how hard he tries. And that’s why Junhee’s yet to contact him, no one wants constant negativity in their life, no one wants Sehyoon. 

There’s no way in hell he could tell him this, he’d only convince Sehyoon otherwise because everyone loves to hear the opposite when they’re in denial, the opposite is always a lie to make you feel better about your thoughts and overall being, but Sehyoon’s tired of being lied to, it’s alright to be straightforward with him, he may cry a bit, but it’s better than making him feel like something he’s not.

Like now. He’s finally crying settling on the fact that him and Junhee aren’t meant to be together and the past half year of his life has been nothing but a lie and he has no way to get rid of Junhee because he fears of hurting the boy’s feelings with a breakup. Sure it would hurt Sehyoon more than it would him, so maybe he’s saving himself and finally taking his feelings into consideration, but the thought is still there.

The pent up frustration towards himself mainly has finally based itself and it’s getting harder for him to even hear himself think. His heartbeat is pulsing through his ears and he could burn his fingers if he touched his face. 

If he can’t get rid of Junhee due to his own fears, he could kill two birds with one stone and eliminate himself from the equation. 

Junhee doesn’t care about him anyway after all, right? So other than the harm to himself in the process of, what harm could it do Junhee? It’s been months since his last attempt and frankly, he thought he was improving, but happiness truly doesn’t last forever, pain does. 

He’s probably stupid for making his way to the bathroom, it’s not like he wants to, but more like he needs to. This is what needs to happen, it’s the only solution to this. He’s not only doing himself a favor, but everyone else, Junhee’s probably tired of having a mentally fucked up boyfriend when Hojung is the complete package practically drooling for Junhee to say he’s single. It won’t take too long for that, he hopes.

He doesn’t know how long Byeongkwan will be teaching, but he keeps the faucet running just in case, a rookie mistake he made their sophomore year. He takes a stare at himself in the mirror for what he can assume will be the last time. 

He doubts his own mother will even miss him, after their encounter at the wedding last month, he finds it harder to respond to her texts and answers calls, even then hold a proper conversation without recalling how she deemed him so undesirable and desperate to be loved, not caring a single ounce about his happiness. Eunsuh will miss him, and he’ll miss her, other than Byeongkwan she’s the only other person in his life who has his back no matter what and the thought of the two nearly sends him back to his room, but this isn’t about them, they can’t be the excuse that sends him back to the reality that’s been killing him slowly.

He sits and stares at the prescription of pills Byeongkwan was assigned to take for pain after a minor surgery he went under for last year, the bottle’s full, completely untouched. He reads over the disclaimer label far too many times to ensure that it’ll do just what he needs and just a little more. In his other hand, he twirls a razor blade between his fingertips. 

The tears continue to fall absentmindedly as he sits the bottle atop the sink, leaving himself to toy with a sharp object. He wishes he wasn’t like this, that this wasn't what he resorted to when nothing went his way, no one understands how bad he craves to be happy and stay that way, forever, he’d never wish this lifestyle upon anyone and he curses himself everyday that it was chosen for him. 

A jolt comes from the pocket of his sweats and he jumps, the razor sliding against his skin, it stings for a split second but he tries not to mind the pain as he fishes for his phone with his free hand. 

**jh** :  _hey you okay?_  

His breathing rate picks back up, partially from the throbbing from his palm below that skyrockets his pulse, but mostly that he’s being proven a complete dumbass yet again. 

**ksy** :  _yeah i’m fine_

He’s shaking now and has to sit the phone on the sink to type properly, he can’t go through with this. 

**jh** :  _you sure_

**ksy** :  _why wouldn’t i be?_

Because Junhee definitely thinks he’s probably laying in bed as he texts every message. 

**jh** :  _just making sure_

**ksy** :  _no_

**jh** :  _?_

**ksy** : _i wanna kill myself_

**jh** :  _what’s going on?_

**ksy** :  _mi feel so diz y_

The blade sinks deeper into his palm and can barely see what’s in front of him, himself in the mirror, but that wasn’t the key point of this process. He can barely get a grasp on the medicine bottle and drops to the floor when he does, his hand sitting in his own pool of blood upon the cold tiles. 

**.  .  .**

All his dials go to voicemail and Junhee falls straight into panic. He’s accompanying Donghun at the engineering café as they both were in desperate need of a study date, exams in full swing and what not, but now he’s packing everything into his bag in preparation for the door before he can even think. 

Donghun looks up from his screen, straw slipping from his mouth as he’s in worry. “What’s going on? Where are you going?”

“I’ll text!” He voices from the door of the shop, sprinting to his car he dials the only other number he can think of that’s been sitting untouched in his jumble of contacts for a while that his mind’s too foggy to recount back.

It rings for an uncomfortable period of time that Junhee expects, but thankfully the lines connect. “Hello?” 

“Where are you right now?”

Byeongkwan’s just as confused as Junhee, only for the wrong reasons. “Dance studio, why?” 

“Sehyoon isn’t with you, is he?” 

“No, is there something you need?” He’s obviously getting impatient.

Junhee fumbles with getting his keys into the ignition. “I really think he’s in trouble.” 

“What happened?” 

He doesn't think before pulling out from the parking lot. “I don’t know, but he just sent me some really worrying messages. He sounds suicidal.” 

Byeongkwan mutters a curse word before the sound of keys jingling and fast footsteps is all Junhee can hear. “Just be at our place, I’ll be there.”

He’s probably breaking the speed limit, but his mind is racing faster than what his car is taking him to even notice. The thought of Sehyoon putting himself back in this unhealthy place isn’t settling and him winding up as something Junhee never wants to hear for as long as he lives knots the pit of his stomach. 

Him and Byeongkwan arrive just around the same time and there’s no words exchanged as they skip the elevator for the stairwell. Junhee hates to think that this is more serious than he wants it to be from the look on Byeongkwan’s face, but he fears it might be, he’s someone who knows Sehyoon far too well, better than he ever will. 

His cheeks dampen and fear eats at him the closer they get to the front door. His eyes screw shut the moment it’s unlocked and they’re presented the living room and hallway, he isn’t there. Junhee doesn’t know what to expect, but nothing seems misplaced or disordered, he follows Byeongkwan down the hall and into Sehyoon’s room, the only mess there is from what seems to be his artwork in progress. Byeongkwan’s room is empty as well and he begins to stress that Sehyoon’s where he doesn’t want to be found, somewhere he only knows about, and if things happen the way Sehyoon wants them to, they’ll never find out. 

Until Byeongkwan’s figure freezes and all is silent except for what seems to be water running. They move from the room back into the hall where a light is shining under the threshold of the bathroom. Only the faucet going can be heard, but as they approach the door, rattling of small items is within the room, but when Byeongkwan goes to turn the doorknob, restriction is placed, separating them from their worry furthermore. 

“He’s in there,” Byeongkwan whispers and the butterflies have flown from Junhee’s system, but that still doesn’t mean all is fine. “Talk to him, I’ll find something to open the door.” 

Junhee places his hand around the doorknob and presses his ear against the frame. He recalls the last time he dealt with Sehyoon like this, when they didn’t know or care for the other. He panicked and yelled at him before he could put Sehyoon’s feelings before his, he must’ve been scared to death then. It has to be different this time, not because he now has experience, but because he cares about Sehyoon more than anything else in this world and his well-being tarnished is the last thing he could ever want. His heartbeat is all that’s filling his ears at this point, he can barely hear himself when he speaks. 

“Sehyoon?” His free palm is against the door as well. “It’s me, baby. You don’t have to speak, don’t worry. I know you’re really scared right now, but if you could open the door, I promise it’ll be alright.” 

He can’t depict any movement from the opposite, but when he still can’t fully turn the knob, fear sinks back in. “Forget opening the door, I just need to know if you can hear me. All you have to do is listen, that’s it. Just knock if you can hear me, baby.” 

Again there’s nothing and his knees weaken, he slides down the door to sit. The sink is still running on the other side, he can’t hear the rattling anymore. Byeongkwan is nowhere in sight. “Sehyoon, I’m right here, there’s a big thing separating us right now which is a little annoying because I really wanna see you, but I’m right here. I’d break this shit down honestly, but I’m not as strong as I look, shocking, I know.” Usually, Sehyoon would giggle at his corny self-centered jokes, but only the falling water is response. 

“I just wanna see your pretty smile, baby.” His voice breaks at the end of the sentence and Byeongkwan appears with a butter knife and bobby pin at the end of the hall, determined to break the lock somehow as Junhee moves to the side, recollecting himself in the process of. 

He’s obviously struggling and Junhee thinks about calling the police, that’s what they should’ve done in the first place, but as he reaches for his device, the door clicks and Junhee’s focus averts from the carpet below to Byeongkwan who’s slowly twisting the knob. 

He looks down at Junhee and steps back, allowing him to be the one who handles this. Junhee sucks in a sharp breath while entering the bathroom, he takes a glance at the first wall, there’s nothing and it isn’t until an object is thrown at said structure, pills falling from the now identified bottle and hitting the tiles individually as every weight is lifted from Junhee’s shoulders. 

“I can’t fucking open it!” Sehyoon’s breaking into his forearms, crouched into a ball against the bathtub’s wall. 

Junhee releases the breath before rushing to his aid and bringing him into his hold. “It’s okay, I got you,” he repeats as Sehyoon sobs into his t-shirt. It’s beginning to dampen around his abdomen area, becoming uncomfortable after a while and he’s in preparation remove it from his body when he stands them both up, Sehyoon’s weight all on his frame, but the sudden color change of his shirt catches his eye in the mirror before anything.

He scans Sehyoon for the cause and there’s nothing visibly present other than blood staining the bathroom tiles, he continues holding Sehyoon upwards as he pulls their bodies away from one another’s and his eyes fall onto Sehyoon’s clenched fist, the source from where blood drips almost like the faucet still running. 

“Show me your hand,” Sehyoon looks up at him, tears still rolling down his cheeks. “Show me your hand, baby.” 

An item hits the floor before Sehyoon brings his palm to vision and Junhee does a double take at the near gash, looking back up at Sehyoon who now has his head hanging low. 

“I’m sorry,” he manages to get out amid the hiccuping and sobs.

“It’s alright, we’ll get you cleaned up.” Junhee reaches for the knob on the sink and his eyes brush across a razor blade that stands out from the white tiles, wincing before moving them both to Sehyoon’s room. 

Junhee is nowhere near medically skilled, he barely knows how to properly put on a band-aid, but he somehow manages to clean Sehyoon’s hand thoroughly enough to avoid any infection and secure the gauze bandage around him that they thankfully had in stock. 

He gets Sehyoon in pajamas, a cleaner pair of lounging wear, he apparently hasn’t changed since leaving the hotel room, still wearing the team’s windbreaker that’s now being taken care of by Byeongkwan. 

“Wanna tell me what’s going on?” They’ve been laying in Sehyoon’s bed in pure silence for what Junhee can estimate has been nearing an hour, but Sehyoon doesn’t seem to have fallen asleep, or planning to at least. 

There’s more of the silence in response and Junhee won’t push him to tell, but he’s aching to know. “Um,” Sehyoon’s voice is dry, he doesn’t bother clearing his throat. “Do you really wanna be with me?” 

Junhee’s set to answer in a heartbeat, but Sehyoon cuts him off. “I’m serious. I need you to answer me genuinely.” 

“I don’t know why I wouldn’t.” Junhee runs his hand through Sehyoon’s hair subconsciously. “Of course I do, Sehyoon.” 

Sehyoon’s tempted to bring up one of the leading factors in all of this, but conflict and confrontation aren’t his strong suits, he’s realized. “Okay.” 

Those words do nothing. It doesn’t change his outlook on their relationship, not the prospect that Hojung will ruin them indefinitely just from his sole existence, and most certainly doesn’t decrease his urge to end his life. But he won’t open up, no matter who pushes. 

Junhee doesn’t seem to ponder on the question either. Sehyoon’s response must’ve been enough, but for some reason he expected more. He expected Junhee to claw at Sehyoon or stare and wait in agony until he was forced to tell him the rest of what’s going on, but he didn’t. He’s still running his fingers through Sehyoon’s hair when they both know that isn’t the full story.

“You should go home. It’s getting late,” that’s Sehyoon’s _subtle_ way of trying to kick him out. 

“I’m not leaving until you fall asleep,” so much for the distance. “And stay asleep.”

Sehyoon doesn’t respond, removing Junhee’s hand from his hair to lay on his back. This is the closest he’ll get to distance for now. Byeongkwan would let him sleep in his room, but it’d be flat out odd for Junhee and the last thing Sehyoon wants is for him to be uncomfortable. Though that’s what’s been inflicted on him for the past days, he isn’t big on revenge. 

Junhee clears his throat after a while. “Is that what this is about?” Sehyoon doesn’t bother looking his way. “Us? Is there something bothering you I should know about?”

Yes. “No,” he answers almost immediately. Then his throat grows heavy at the realization that Junhee knows he’s hiding something from Sehyoon yet is doing nothing at all about it. Communication is all he asked for from day one and he thinks that attribute to their relationship has completely vanished. He’s had quick relationships before, but only with people who he knew for sure he wasn’t destined to be with. Of course he still knows now, but it stings that he wants to keep pushing nonetheless.

“You’re crying,” Junhee wipes his thumb across Sehyoon’s cheek. “What is it?”

“Nothing.” His back faces Junhee. “I mean we—nothing, it’s nothing.”

Junhee sighs because obviously it’s something and he has the slightest hunch to the base of the problem, but assumptions upon himself never end well. And Sehyoon doesn’t plan on opening up any time soon, but he’d just like to know what he could do to make all of this better. 

Sehyoon has to force himself to sleep. Byeongkwan checked in on him not too long after he tried and Sehyoon could’ve sworn he seen him roll his eyes at the figure behind him, but he wouldn’t bet on it. Granted Byeongkwan does know pretty much everything and if he connects the dots, then if Sehyoon were him he wouldn’t be too happy with the fact of Junhee staying over, or being in his presence at the least.

But, like he’s been told before, he deserves whatever comes at him and if he got himself into this, he’ll get himself out, he hopes.

**.  .  .**

Sehyoon falls asleep just inches away from Junhee, and he watched the entire process. Him getting comfortable on the very edge of his bed despite the gap between the two, the familiar rocking that he felt guilty to witness being that he only had to extend an arm and Sehyoon would be under him again, and eventually after an hour or two him falling asleep, and staying asleep.

But he doesn’t want to leave.

For some reason he feels like if he leaves, it’ll be some time until he can properly meet Sehyoon again. And it hurts to think that way but after putting everything into perspective, it’s his only conclusion. 

Sehyoon needs time, time that may not include Junhee and he’s willing to accept that one way or another. As much as he hates the thought of them being apart for too long, but it may be best for them both. Sehyoon to regroup himself and Junhee to come up with a way to come clean to Sehyoon about Hojung, he won’t be able to keep it from him for much longer, it isn’t right, to Junhee, but mainly to Sehyoon. 

So time may be the best for them right now, but afterwards? When Junhee tells Sehyoon that his old fuck buddy kissed him and he went and drank until he couldn’t see straight because he couldn’t deal with the regret of letting it happen. Sehyoon will hate him, he’ll hate him so much and this _time_ will also give Junhee the chance to prep for the mental and physical pain he’ll suffer from, but even if he had all the time in the world he doesn’t think he’d ever be ready for that. 

So he studies Sehyoon’s every curve and features in between to save to memory because he doesn’t think he’ll be able to last nothing more than a few days without Sehyoon and he fears that Sehyoon would need more than that, much more.

It’s 4AM when he finds the clock while slipping from the bed onward to the bathroom and it’s rather a shit move of him staying over being that he has an exam in mere hours that he’s never finished studying for, but it feels worth it that his time is consumed of Sehyoon’s presence. 

The bathroom floor and sink is clear and the pills once scattered have been collected and placed back in their rightfully designated area, he assumes Byeongkwan cleaned the mess. It would’ve been nice if he had done the job himself, the least he could’ve done being that he’s here uninvited and he’s sure that Byeongkwan still doesn’t have the best outlook on him basing the fact that he’s still giving the odd stares. 

Junhee tries to ignore how strange it is for him to walk through the halls of a place that’s not his so freely, that while trying to navigate through the complete darkness, it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to turn on a light, when he runs into a structure that’s far too soft and audible to be a wall. 

He stands in mostly fear as a light turns on and Byeongkwan appears before him. “I’m sorry, I was just—bathroom.” 

Byeongkwan stares. “Is he sleeping?” Junhee can only nod. Byeongkwan swallows then hesitates before Junhee turns away towards Sehyoon’s bedroom. “Wait,” he keeps a whisper, Junhee pauses. “Can we talk? Really quick.” 

Junhee makes eye contact with anything around them other than Byeongkwan. “About?”

“Just—follow me.” He leads them into the living room and settles on the arm of the sofa, leaving Junhee to the couch. There’s dead silence until he voices himself again. “Let me ask, do you know why he did that?” 

He doesn’t. He thinks. But he wishes he does. There’s a guess lingering in his head, but if he told Byeongkwan how he went and practically cheated, that’d end so far from well. Only but he didn’t cheat, it was nowhere near cheating from his view at least, but he’s sure even if he asked a stranger, they’d confirm the opposite. 

He continues. “Did something happen between you two?”

“I don’t know,” and he hates to lie but this isn’t a Byeongkwan matter regardless of his status. “Did he tell you something?” 

“Did he?” Byeongkwan rests his chin upon his clasped palms. 

Junhee’s more taken back than he should’ve been, but for starters this conversation was unexpected and there’s no way he even has the slightest clue to what occurred the previous nights. Junhee waits for a follow up, but there’s nothing. Byeongkwan anticipates an answer but the only response Junhee can produce is a airy laugh all out of pure confusion.

“Is this funny to you? Is my best friend’s mental health a joke?” His voice raises and Junhee fears that Sehyoon will wake, due to the fact that he’s a light sleeper. 

He glances into the hall before responding. “I’m sorry, am I missing something?” 

“Are you missing something?” his eyebrows furrow. “Do you even like him?”

It has to be a joke. He leans into the cushion without words, pinching himself slightly because there’s no way this is actually happening. He’s being interrogated by a practical stranger to him at four o’clock in the morning over the matter that he barely can pinpoint the main issues on. 

“Answer me, do you?” 

“Are you serious right now, Byeongkwan?” 

He plops into the chair. “You don’t seem to have an answer.” 

“Because it shouldn’t even be a question,” he preps to leave the room, he’d rather not have Sehyoon come in on an argument he can feel stirring, but the next remark glues him to his seat. 

“I don’t like you.” Byeongkwan’s words cut through the air. He can’t say he’s shocked, he made the assumption a while ago, but it’s different to have made it a reality. Junhee’s always just thought so from the way he stared whenever he brought Sehyoon home, no words, just staring that made him feel out of place. But he could never seem to come up with any reasoning behind it. He himself doesn’t have the slightest problem with the boy, he actually respects him at the least, but all’s starting to fade at this point. 

“You can’t call yourself a boyfriend,” he almost looks disgusted. “He was about to fucking kill himself and you don’t know why? That’s the least you could do and you failed.” 

The tips of his ears are heated. “How the fuck did you expect me to know—” 

“Because you’re the reason!” there’s an echo in the atmosphere and Junhee’s heart sinks to his ass. “He’s down spiraling because of you, jackass. And you don’t even know?” 

“Oh, so everything’s because of me now?” the words begin to spill helplessly. “Says the one who fucking begged me to be his friend! I wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t for you! So maybe you should blame yourself, Byeongkwan. Maybe you’re the cause of this, he’s down spiraling because of you.” 

“I told you to be his friend not date him.” 

“Yeah? And look where we are now. Are you really that desperate for your friend to yourself that you feel the need to break us up? You’re wasting my time.” 

Byeongkwan’s words aim and hit the landing right where he knew they would hurt. “And you’re wasting his. Trapping him in an unhealthy relationship where you go and do things behind his back and blow up on me because I’m right. You pity him.” 

“Pitied,” his jaw clenches. He doesn’t know how he’ll make it back to Sehyoon’s room in one piece. Byeongkwan doesn’t know anything yet he’s firing with all the right points. “The extents you’ll go to just to make him unhappy disgusts me.” 

“He already is. Leave him, he deserves better. You’re just an experiment.” 

Everything else dies in Junhee’s throat and the room is suddenly a blur. “Then what are you?” he doesn’t even know if he actually voiced that. His heartbeat is pulsing through is eardrums and it feels like the couch is trying to eat him whole. 

“Someone who actually matters.” His best friend. He’s been in Sehyoon’s life for four years, Junhee’s been in for six months. That says enough.

“Are you?”

The two words pierce through both men’s ears and Junhee’s short of breath, like he’s just finished a marathon. 

Sehyoon stands before them, in his oversized t-shirt, cradling his hand. His cheeks are staining with tears again. “Huh?” his voice is smaller than he thinks but it barks at them both. “How could you say that?” 

Byeongkwan’s entire face is hollowed, he rises from the sofa only for Sehyoon to take a few steps back. “How could you say that, Byeongkwan?” 

“Sehyoon, it isn’t like that—” 

“So what is it like then? Is this how you see me?” Byeongkwan reaches out, but makes no further motions. “Answer me!!” 

“Sehyoon, I—”

“You know what? I gotta go. I can’t be here anymore,” he claws at his eyes before turning for his room, Byeongkwan rushes after. 

Sehyoon gets ahold of the first free bag he can find, stuffing it with whatever clothes he can depict through clouded eyes. Byeongkwan can’t find the words to say, watching only with disbelief the more items Sehyoon collects.

“Hyung—”  

“Shut up.” 

His hand is throbbing again and he feels like passing out. There isn’t much space left in the bag and he supposes he’ll have to hold his art supplies by hand because he has to finish this final whether he likes it at this point or not, it’s far too late to start over.

He moves for his door and Byeongkwan stands in front, he’s sobbing with both his hands hugging each other. “I’m so sorry, hyung. Please I promise I’ll make everything up to you just don’t leave like this, please.” 

Sehyoon watches the doorknob, wiping a stray tear the moment it falls. “I have to go.” 

He reaches for the knob and Byeongkwan covers the structure with his own hands. “Sehyoon, please.” 

“Get out of my way,” he does his best to keep his voice stern but it trembles under the force. Byeongkwan shakes his head vigorously, his eyes swelling. “Please don’t leave, please. I’m sorry.” 

When Byeongkwan doesn’t budge, Sehyoon uses his only barely free hand to take hold on his arm, dragging him away from the door and leaving the room before it’s too late. 

Junhee is still sitting on the couch when Sehyoon reaches the front door, he jumps to his feet to follow the moment it’s unlocked. “Sehyoon,” he’s at a slight jog when Sehyoon’s already out of the door. 

“Don’t speak to me.” 

Junhee reaches for his shoulder and he flinches, dropping the rough sketch of his mural. “Don’t touch me!” he struggles to retrieve it. 

“No, you have to listen to me—”

“Listen to you? You want me to listen to you? After you said that? You’re fucking dead to me,” he resumes his path to the elevator. 

It guts Junhee, but he deserved it. Every last bit. Still that doesn’t stop him. “Just let me explain, baby please.” 

“My name is Kim Sehyoon!” he bites. “And you have nothing to explain.”

His shout echoes through the hall and thankfully no one’s peering their heads through door creases, given it is early morning, but nothing stops the students of Willow Grove from a taste of drama. 

Junhee boards the elevator with him. There’s nothing he could say that can make Sehyoon stop and listen, he’s been through hell and back for the past twenty-four hours, but he still wants to try. There’s nothing he would regret more than losing him. 

Little does he know he’s already lost. 

“Please just hear me out.” His words are with nothing but desperation, the elevator falls silent afterwards. 

Sehyoon swallows a whine and screws his eyes shut because despite the constant crying for the past hours, there’s still more to fall. “Why?” his voice is already breaking, but he’ll get this out. “What did I ever do wrong? To anyone? Please, I’m begging you to know.” 

“Nothing, baby,” he approaches Sehyoon with caution. “But just let me exp—”

“So why? You never cared about me to begin with, Junhee. Why did you pretend? Why did you force yourself to be my friend? Why did you make me think that I was finally being cared about? Why would you do that?” 

Then he’s reminded of what he pent up and sealed somewhere in the back of his head and he strays away from sympathy. “That’s why you never said you loved me.” 

“No,” Junhee counters immediately. “Don’t say that, it isn’t true.” 

“It isn’t true that you went through almost three months of a relationship as a distraction?”

“What?” 

“I’m gullible, not stupid,” the elevator leads them to the lobby. It’s empty and Sehyoon stops in front of it after exiting. “You and Hojung are meant for each other.” Junhee’s face grows horrid. “I’ve realized a while ago. You have a lot in common, we have nothing. He made you happy, what have I done successfully?” 

“Sehyoon—” 

“You obviously enjoy his presence, that’s why you lied to me to go out with him the other night,” he sucks in a breath. “That’s why you guys kissed.” 

Sehyoon tries to laugh but it only comes out as a sob. “I tried so hard to ignore it, but it’s too obvious. I really wanted us to work, but knowing now how you sincerely felt, I just feel so useless.”

Junhee follows as Sehyoon starts out of the lobby, drying his face of the streams that have seemed to fall during. He deserves an explanation, about everything. How Junhee’s a coward who can’t fight his feelings, how insensitive he was to judge a book by its cover, how he’s changed and reshaped himself because of Sehyoon, how Sehyoon changed him and his life for the better, he deserves to hear all of it. But all that can come out is one word. 

“Sehyoon.” 

He wipes his nose, they’ve reached his car. “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I just—I’m just so tired of ending up like this,” still it doesn’t click for the other, he’s never been through something like this. “Junhee, I—we’re through.” 

And his gears begin to shift again. “No,” his voice has dropped. “Sehyoon, no. We can work this out, I promise. I’ll tell you everything just give me the time, I’ll explain it all.” 

“No,” he’s settled his belongings in the backseat of his vehicle. “I don’t need it. Everything that’s come for me thus far, I deserved.” 

“That’s not true,” Junhee grabs his hand, his eyes swelling as he chokes on the tears that continue to empty his system.

Sehyoon yanks away, placing it on his door handle. “Thanks to you, I now _truly_ know my worth,” he dips into the car. “Fuck you.” 

And that’s when he breaks loose. His fist in violent contact with the steering wheel as if it’s the problem at hand, his weeping sounds the entire car and the person outside of it who watches, broken himself. Sehyoon starts the car and doesn’t spare Junhee a final look before speeding off into the streets of Seoul. 

So apparently it is true, all good things must come to an end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some of y’all probably real mad at me, but it had to be said. 
> 
> despite the last few words no this is not the end we still have a long road to go down just bare with me :)


	22. feels like loneliness

“Where did he go?” Byeongkwan rushed to the door the moment Junhee stepped foot in, his expression dropping when he realized who wasn’t behind him.

“And you expect me to know,” Junhee’s voice has lost all of its body, he’s dragging his limbs back to Sehyoon’s room to collect his belongings. 

He could’ve ran after his car, he knows he has the potential. Sehyoon can’t drive as fast as he planned to anyway, his hand isn’t in the best condition, but he didn’t. After all, they needed the time, didn’t they? But now, Junhee isn’t sure if he’ll ever see him again when time is up. If he’ll ever get to hold his hand, or see his smile, hear his laugh, watch when he sleeps, which he’ll probably have trouble doing again. It’s his fault, he made a mistake and everyone does at least a few times in their lives, but he never thought his would result in him losing the most precious being in his life. 

And he has no idea where to start when it comes to fixing this. 

“I’m sorry,” Byeongkwan appears at the threshold, he looks worse than Junhee could’ve imagined. 

His bloody t-shirt is still somewhere in their apartment, he couldn’t bother with asking. “You would think it’s a little late to say that.” 

“I’ll fix this, okay?” Junhee has to squeeze through the small open space Byeongkwan’s body doesn’t fill. “I’ll talk to him—eventually and I’ll make things work between you two.” 

Junhee pauses one foot out of the front door, scanning the wreck before him. “Don’t worry about us, you’ve done that enough and now look where we are.” 

Byeongkwan braces himself for the door slam, but Junhee has class and shuts it gently. He may have lost all respect for Byeongkwan, but he isn’t a complete asshole and people have exams, he can spare himself of the complaints. 

Everything prior to Junhee returning to the apartment is already a blur that he wishes nothing more than to rewind and fix because he fears that it’s far too late. He’s never seen Sehyoon like that before and frankly, in the moment he didn’t know how to deal with him either. But that isn’t an excuse by any means, Junhee fucked up big time and Sehyoon had every right to be upset. He just wishes it didn’t unravel the way it did. 

Junhee scans every street he passes for Sehyoon’s vehicle as he makes his way home, he has no idea where he could’ve gone, Gwangju being the least convenient with school still going, and he gets an unnecessary amount of honks and fingers due to the speed he keeps, but it’s harder to see when his eyes are misty and the city lights do most of the blinding. He’s nowhere to be found and Junhee worries more than he should, but pushes it to the back of his head in hopes of catching him in the halls later on.

He does his utmost best to creep to his room without waking Donghun, but it doesn’t come as easy as the typical late night routine when he can feel his tears resurfacing and wants nothing more to be back in his own bed where he haves the freedom to sob as loud and for as long as he wants, with the restriction of his pillow of course. 

“Hey,” Donghun yawns with his forearm over both his eyes. It must’ve been Junhee running into every piece of furniture and force available that did it. “It’s like—early. Was everything okay?” 

He swallows the growing lump at the roof of his throat and nods fearing if he spoke it would come out inaudible, but Donghun apparently doesn’t get the gesture, he squints. “Can you hear me?” 

The hallway light is switched on and Junhee’s eyes shoot for the floor. “Yeah.” 

“You’re shirtless.” 

He comes into contact with Donghun and he’s in his usual robe, a plus with fuzzy bear slippers that he most likely bought offline and a face mask that Junhee would normally clown him for, and he tries now, but the moment he reopens his mouth, a cry falls out. He falls into a crouch and the base of his palm is thrown at his forehead, he doesn’t stop until Donghun comes to his aid. 

“Hyung,” his arms are pried away from him and Donghun stares at him in shock and worry. “What’s going on?” 

“He broke up with me.” 

Junhee doesn’t cry. We’ve been through this. Only if the situation calls for it. And for some reason the situations he’s been through has been ringing for a proper cry session recently and it’s only until now that he realizes how bad his heart aches. He’s usually good at repressing his feelings for someone else so it isn’t the easiest to show raw emotion anymore, but Donghun pulls at all of his strings without saying a single world. 

Junhee’s pulled into his lap and it isn’t completely normal for Donghun himself to be so consoling, he barely gives Junhee’s hugs unless it’s during a cuddle session and even those have become rare. Granted Junhee knows he cares about him regardless of the situation, but it’s usually only shown through tough love. 

Donghun lets Junhee cry himself dry which he thought would never end at the rate he went. The wooden tiles began to grow uncomfortable and he could see the sun rising from the dimmed light peeking around the corner from their living room, Donghun may have his way with words but when it comes to physical comfort, needless to say his arms are cramping with Junhee in his hold. 

They both have exams today, in what Donghun can estimate to be in just around three hours, and the last thing Junhee needs is to put on more stress and Donghun may be too late, but if he can squeeze in the bare minimum for rest and regrouping, he will. 

“Hey,” Junhee is all sniffles and hiccups at this point. “I know it fucking sucks, trust me. But we can’t sit on the floor forever.” 

Junhee doesn’t respond for a moment before deeply inhaling and releasing, letting his shoulders droop as he rises from Donghun’s arms, smearing the stray tears with his own. He makes an attempt to stand, but his knees are—for the first time in years—weak, Donghun has to assist. His arms drop to his side and he faces Donghun, the elder doing a double take, not at the fact that Junhee looks terrible, he couldn’t sugarcoat even if he wanted to, but because he hasn’t seen him like this since—well, ever. 

And it pains him because Junhee is a relatively strong person mentally. He can keep his shit in tact, knowing his own limits, but it seems he’s exceeded them and he probably doesn’t even realize. Donghun didn’t want to believe Junhee when he expressed how profound Sehyoon was in his life, you can only say so much when you’re head over heels for someone. But it seems time really is only just a word and maybe Sehyoon just didn’t feel the same. 

“I know,” his voice has strained and Donghun already hates nothing more than to see his best friend like this. He leans his frame over to twist the knob of Junhee’s room, gesturing to the entry, Junhee complies while he rushes to the kitchen. 

Donghun returns with pain killers and a glass of water. Junhee’s laying atop his comforter, not having bothered to take his shoes off, Donghun rests on the tail of the bed as he brings Junhee’s leg to his lap. 

“The first few days are always the worst,” he’s dealing with dead weight as he gets Junhee under the blankets. “Try to get some rest for now, yeah? You got a test to ace in a few.” 

Junhee doesn’t reply, only turning to have his back facing Donghun. It’s all too complex to think about how and why they ended up like this, in such a short amount of time at that. If feelings weren’t mutual on Sehyoon’s half, Donghun couldn’t even understand because Junhee is the complete package in his eyes and if he weren’t his best friend, Sehyoon wouldn’t have ever been a factor in his life. But everyone has their own type and Donghun has to respect that whether he wants to or not. And maybe somehow he can talk Sehyoon back into this eventually because everyone deserves a second chance and Junhee truly seemed to be completely invested in their relationship. 

Donghun watches as he backs out of the room. Junhee remains still, he won’t be able to sleep and Donghun would be a dick if he left him to suffer. “Want me to stay?” 

“Please?” it comes out almost as a whimper and his voice is so small now, Donghun can’t help but bring him back into his arms when he plants himself under the comforter. 

His tears aren’t reluctant to spill again and before Donghun can realize, the entirety of his upper body skin is moist. “I fucked up, so bad. God, I fucked up.” His voice is coated with nothing but desperation and things starts to make some sense to Donghun. “How?” 

Junhee toys with the string of Donghun’s robe, his eyes burning from mist. “I met up with him again,” he trails off and Donghun picks up. “Him?” His heart is pounding it’s way out of his chest and he’s sure Donghun can feel it too. He fears for the worst right now, that his best friend will judge him over a name. “Hojung.” 

There’s stiffness under him and Junhee knows what he’s thinking. “It was after the awards ceremony, I had plans with my dad I swear, but he cancelled last minute. And uh, we did things we shouldn’t have on the track—”

“I seen.” And of course, he didn’t speak on it because as much as he wants it to be, it isn’t his place anymore.

Junhee swallows nothing before continuing, it’s painful. “I guess he felt it was appropriate to approach me in a normal manner and he suggested we get some drinks and for some reason, I couldn’t deny. It was like I wanted things to be okay between us despite everything, I don’t know. I only planned to stay for a little because I had Sehyoon waiting back at the hotel, he didn’t even know I was with him. I told him I was with my dad, I didn’t shoot a text, I just went without thinking,” his breaths are getting shorter and Donghun has to sit them up to calm him down, holding the glass as he chugs water. 

“I just feel so guilty,” Donghun glances at him with all the sympathy he can obtain, clasping their hands. “I understand, but you along with him were in the moment and it was completely normal for you to accept his offer, don’t beat yourself up over it, alright?”

“That’s not it,” his hands fall flat in Donghun’s. “He did apologize and everything just felt so content but then um—I don’t know, but please don’t judge me,” his eyes avert to the elder and he stares back with patience. “He kissed me, and I let him.” 

He didn’t and he can’t understand why he’s convincing himself otherwise. He seen it coming, yes, but barely, what could he have done? 

The sympathy radiating from Donghun falls and he watches Junhee fall into panic. “It’s not like I wanted it, I didn’t, but he did it anyway and afterwards I felt so bad that I drank until I couldn’t even see. And I don’t know how Sehyoon found out, but he did and somehow it got to Byeongkwan and he spoke to me for the first time in months, blaming me for why Sehyoon’s in the condition he’s in and so we started arguing and he overheard everything,” Junhee keeps his hand over his heart in hopes to prevent himself from crying, but the tears fall without warning.

“Hyung, he thinks I pity him. I don’t know what Byeongkwan did to get in his head, but he thinks I don’t love him and he said I used him—it just doesn’t make sense, I don’t know what to do.” 

Donghun is cautious with his next statement. “You’re not gonna like what I have to say, but just listen. You’re upset and confused and I know you want nothing more than to prove to him that he’s got it all wrong, but you just have to leave him alone—”

Junhee’s eyes cut straight through him. “No.”

“For now,” he cups Junhee’s hands with his. “He’s not gonna want to listen to anything you have to say and you trying right now will only make it worse, trust me. You’ll have the time, okay? He isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.” 

It’s at the least convincing and when Junhee doesn’t reply Donghun lays them both back down, grazing through Junhee’s locks. “This means that if you see him later today at school, keep walking.” 

“I can’t do that.”

“Yes, you can. If you really feel like you can’t, call me, I’ll still be there. Just let him be, Junhee. Both of you need to be without each other for a while.” 

And that’s probably the hardest thing he’s had to hear and he for a fact won’t admit it, but it’s true. 

**.  .  .**

He struggled to remember the address, but drove until he could no longer see or breathe from choking on his own sobs, the scenery of the apartment building looked somewhat familiar through his blurred stare, but he wouldn’t bet on it. 

To say Sehyoon’s hurt is an understatement. The least he can actually say right now is he wish he died a few hours ago. 

He contemplates over which button to go for once arriving in the elevator and his time is almost up when a man far much older than him appears in a crisp suit, briefcase in hand, his hair pulled back, sends them both to the third floor and Sehyoon has no option but to leave behind him. 

He scans the hallway before him and every door is the exact replica of the next, it’s almost giving him a headache, dismissing the fact that he feels as if he could pass out at any given time now. His gears do a bit of shifting and he recalls being guided to apartment E his last time in the building. He locates the door after pacing the same area, pondering on a backup plan if this backfires in his face and it turns out he really has no one in his life to rely on, but rings the doorbell before he can settle on his final decision. 

There’s complete silence from the opposite side and he grows anxious in the hall alone, looking behind both shoulders as he waits in fear of absolutely nothing. He knocks as hard as possible without waking anyone up because you can probably hear a pen drop in the hallway from inside and he’s already an uninvited guest, he doesn’t want to add more salt to the wound. 

Sehyoon rests on the weight of one leg as his hopes accept that they’ve been defeated. He’ll most likely crash in his car until further notice, his mother would flip if she found out, not over Sehyoon’s well-being, not anymore, but blame him instead of what he just lost, what she and the family could’ve had, but Gwangju is far enough and he still has another week of his senior year to survive. 

Just as his heel preps for a turn, there’s shuffling behind the structure between him and his _savior_ and the door whips open, Sehyoon screws his eyes shut in fear of bothering the wrong person at the worst time of day. 

“Hyung?” Sehyoon cracks an eyelid open and a few of the butterflies have flown from his system. “What’re you doing here? It’s like 6AM.” 

Sehyoon forces a smile, but stray tears fall instead. “Chan-ah,” his voice is so hoarse it nearly pains him to speak. He hiccups and the boy before him stares with a tilted head, scratching at his nape, it doesn’t seem to have registered that Sehyoon is on the brink of full force tears yet. 

“Um,” his words are slowly dying in his throat. “Could I stay here?” Yuchan blinks and he glances at the bag strapped around Sehyoon. “Only until I graduate then I’m leaving for Gwangju, I promise. I just need somewhere to stay so I can get through exams.” 

Yuchan leans onto the door as it widens, allowing Sehyoon in. “Of course, but is everything alright at home?” As he steps into the lit entryway, the dread in his face is more visible to the naked eye. “Are you crying?” His gaze falls to Sehyoon’s bandages hand. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Yuchan approaches him with caution and when he lays a hand over Sehyoon’s shoulder, all else is an inaudible blur. 

Yuchan was never the one to comfort Sehyoon during his worst times, that was always taken care of by Byeongkwan of course, he would be invited to help cheer up later on, but Sehyoon’s actually come to the point where he truly has no one left but the boy now walking them over to the living room and he’s feels sorry for him because he’s more vulnerable now than ever and does a shit job at covering it. 

Sehyoon doesn’t calm until the next couple of minutes, but Yuchan waits a few more to ask his next question, not expecting much of an answer, but goes regardless. “Did you and Byeongkwan fight?” His frame is slim yet built and longer than Byeongkwan’s by a long shot that Sehyoon can’t help but to ease into it when the younger’s arm is draped over his back like a blanket. 

And he doesn’t receive one. Sehyoon lays in his arms hopelessly, his nasal area is tight and it’s a battle between him and his own eyelids amid the swelling and lethargy, one yawn in and Yuchan immediately picks up on Sehyoon’s current needs. “You should rest, the guest room is clean.” He assists with moving him and his belongings to the room down the hall, occupied by nothing but a neatly made bed and nightstand. 

“Everything here is now yours, but just let me know if you need anything, okay?” Yuchan peers his head around the door, sending a smile the other’s way. 

Sehyoon can feel his eyes beginning to well, though the gesture was bare minimum, it was what he didn’t know he could’ve used right now. “I’ll tell you later.” 

It takes a moment for Yuchan to make sense of the response, nodding immediately once done. “Only when you’re ready. I’m always here for you, hyung.” 

Sehyoon doesn’t hesitate to nod, waiting for the door to click shut to empty out whatever’s left in store. 

The silence is so deafening among him that his conscience does what feels necessary and replays the exchange of words between Junhee and Byeongkwan until Sehyoon has to throw himself upwards, hands resting atop his head as he catches his breath. 

But it doesn’t conclude. His boyfriend pitied him for how long? He doesn’t even know where to begin. His best friend thinks he’s good for nothing but the misery that he knows eats Sehyoon whole at every given opportunity, Byeongkwan knows that more than anyone, yet used it as one of his weaknesses. If that’s how he’s seen by the one person he thought he had forever, then the rest of the people who surround his everyday life can’t fall too far from the tree. 

It only gets louder. He’s been manipulated by the love of his life for years and he turned out alright, a little rough around the edges, but he’s been mended into a better, stronger person, at least that’s what he thought. He was used for three months by someone who made him feel like, for the first time ever, he was appreciated, someone he’s known for six months and the mess he was after Youngho couldn’t compare to now, not even close. And it’s only barely the first day. 

He can’t kill himself in the home of the only person eligible to take care of him right now, that’s just unethical and Sehyoon would like to think that he still has some of his morals, but that’s all he wants to do right now. He guess he has himself to thank for not grabbing pain killers despite the discomfort his hand is bringing. 

So he can only settle on crying, that’s all he ever has at the end of the day anyway. He’s a crybaby, but if this is what prevents him from the worse, then he’ll accept the title. 

Sehyoon hasn’t kept track of time, but when Yuchan appears at the threshold with frames sitting upon the bridge of his nose, his voice now at its normal level and pitch, he can only figure the younger’s dealt with him forgetting to muffle himself up until now. 

Sehyoon has no time to retreat under the duvets, he meets Yuchan with bloodshot eyes. “Can’t sleep?” And that was the least Sehyoon expected from him at this hour and normally he would beat around the question with an apology, but he’s shaking his head before he can think. “Wanna come in my room?” 

He doesn’t remember accepting the offer, only Yuchan pushing the door further open, his bare skin peaking from under the robe he’s now in that Sehyoon does a double take at, but can’t pinpoint exactly why. 

They’re lead into a bedroom much bigger and more welcoming than what he was granted and though he’s grateful regardless, he already feels like passing out the moment he’s planted atop Yuchan’s mattress. “Tell me if the screen’s too bright for you, I have an exam this afternoon.” He brings a laptop to view, resting his chin in his palms as he focuses on the jumble of words before him. 

Sehyoon doesn’t complain, even if he wanted to, he doesn’t have the right to. This is more than enough right now. His eyes catch the array of stars projected onto the ceiling that he always remembered loving Yuchan’s room for. It reunites him with his favorite place, where he feels most safe and he’s temporarily freed of all his current worries when he averts to the corner of the wall to find his true best friend, the moon. His eyes fall not too soon after with the thought that it’ll always be there for him, no matter what, even if it thinks he’s good for nothing, even if it wants to leave, ignoring the fact that they’re separated by day, it has no option but to be by his side every night, and that’s a fact. 

**.  .  .**

“Where are you going?” Yuchan stops by the guest room, toast in hand, as he catches Sehyoon in his attempt at silently putting on his shoes.

“I have an exam,” he weakly smiles. “I also have my art final to work on. It’s due at midnight so I’m not sure when I’ll be back.” 

Yuchan frowns. “You sure you wanna be there all day alone? I’ll stay with you after school.” 

“It’s alright. I need time to myself anyway.” 

Still, he doesn’t look content. “I understand, but if you need anything or if someone bothers you, call me.” 

Sehyoon nods though he doubts anyone would want anything to do with him, but it still warms his heart that the boy can get so defensive.

He sits in the very front of this classroom for his exam and is one of the first to finish, he isn’t expecting anything over a D+. Of course, he could’ve done much better, he studied for this, but first and foremost, this is a class he has with Youngho and let’s just say he’s the last person Sehyoon wants to see right now, or ever. 

And he needs all the time he can get to work on his mural, it won’t be as big as he expected it to be anymore because he’s really in a race against time at this point, but that just means he has to put even more effort into his work. 

Speaking of time, he’s really wasting it with going back to his dorm to pick up his brushes because he’s almsot a hundred and one percent sure that Byeongkwan will be there and only if he’s quiet enough, which he won’t be, he’ll be able to dodge him. 

So his senior year has been way far from what Sehyoon planned it to be, but in less than two weeks he’ll be en route to Gwangju and for the next few months, or until whenever his mother forces him to get a job again, he’ll be free to wallow in self pity. It’s what he’s anticipating most at the moment and that’s saying something. Seoul has been nothing but cruel to him for the past month. 

The lights are off when he enters the apartment, but the sun is shining a little too brightly today, so it doesn’t do much to set the mood that Byeongkwan’s going for. The living room is still untouched from a few hours ago, the pillow Junhee tossed to the side when he rushed after Sehyoon into the hall still lays on the carpet, he stares at it for a bit before making his way to his room. 

There’s still packing to do, he has no idea when he’ll come back for it, granted Byeongkwan might just fulfill that duty if Sehyoon doesn’t return after a certain amount of time and also as an attempt to apologize, Sehyoon knows him far too well and that’s exactly why he’s prepping himself ahead of time ignore all efforts no matter how moved he is. 

He believes he’s gathered all the brushes he’ll need when his bedroom door creaks. “Sehyoon?” 

He doesn’t turn around, he’ll probably break at the sight before him. Instead fishes for another bag to pack more clothes into, what he brought to Yuchan’s wasn’t nearly enough to last him more than three days, it was mainly undergarments. 

“Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan repeats, he hasn’t moved an inch. “Hyung, answer me.” 

Sehyoon doesn’t. His skin is starting to heat and his eardrums are slowly but surely beginning to pulse rapidly, he has to wrap this up, but he can’t. He continues to pack whatever he can because he’s scared to face what’s behind his back. 

“I said answer me, Sehyoon!” His shoulder is grabbed before he can think and Byeongkwan is frowning, he hasn’t slept, the skin under his eyes tug heavy and the eyes themselves are swelling. 

Sehyoon does his best to remain the bit of the person he walked in as. “I have things to do.” He attempts to move past Byeongkwan, but he blocks the path. 

“Please just listen to me,” his eyebrows furrow. “Please.” 

“I have things to do, Byeongkwan.” Still, he doesn’t budge. 

“I know you don’t wanna hear a thing I have to say—”

“You’re right, now I’m leaving.” He gets through the door, but he can feel the boy on his heels. 

“Please don’t be mad at Junhee, I swear he has no bad intentions. He loves you a lot, Sehyoon.”

And that keeps him grounded, literally. He doesn’t move, his back facing the voice and the words echo through him until hitting where he didn’t want it to hurt. 

Byeongkwan continues. “I’m the one you should be upset with, he did nothing wrong but listen to me.” Sehyoon faces him slowly. “I told him he should be your friend, Sehyoon. I was just worried for what he would think about you, it wouldn’t have been fair if he seen you at your lowest point and left it at that, I didn’t want things to get worse for you, socially.” 

All the questions he left in the year before are being answered. “That’s why you told me to be nice to him? You didn’t even care about what I thought. You forced me into something that’s currently ruining my life, is it working out in your favor—matchmaker?” 

Though Sehyoon has to admit the past half year might’ve been the best he’s ever felt in an unthinkable amount of time, but he’s avoiding the point at hand. 

“I’m sorry,” he sighs. “I didn’t mean for things to go like this, honest. I got skeptical about his feelings for you because things were going so fast and I didn’t want him to be using you while you were genuinely so happy and,” he catches his breath, “and that isn’t an excuse, but I didn’t want you hurt in the end again, you deserve better.” 

And that sounds so much like Byeongkwan, always with his best interest in mind, but it still leaves a sour taste on Sehyoon’s tongue. 

“So you interrogated him and made me seem undesirable so he would break up with me and you’d come back around picking up all the pieces again.” That’s exactly what it was and he thinks Byeongkwan’s only now realizing that. “You told him all my weaknesses. You used my mental illness to define me. Is that how you see me behind all these smiles? Sad no matter what? I can’t be _genuinely_ _happy_ anymore because no matter what, I’m depressed at the end of the day, right?” The tears are starting to fall but it feels like his face is numbing. “That’s how my only friend seen me, right?” 

His face has sunken fuethmore. “It isn’t like that, Sehyoon.” 

“So, what then?” 

“I just didn’t wanna see you hurt..”

“Is that all you can say for yourself? You didn’t wanna see me hurt? You’re looking at it right now.” His grip tightens on the bag around his knuckles. “I’m leaving.” 

“No, just let me explain, please!” He’s reaching for Sehyoon’s sweatshirt, only getting a proper grasp after a few tries. 

“You have nothing to explain, Byeongkwan,” his eyelids crumple and he drops his belongings, feeling for the piece of jewelry upon his finger, “I understand now.” 

He meets the face he’s now dreading once more, aiming the ring for his chest, it hits bullseye and falls to the floor, the sound is clear. “Eternal friendship, right?”

Byeongkwan doesn’t follow after when Sehyoon leaves the apartment, he doesn’t even think he moved. 

**.  .  .**

He has to seal his identity with a mask and pull his hood further down when working on his art because the school halls turned out to be fuller than he expected, but he doesn’t think any but a few pay attention to his matters. 

He tried to brainstorm a new sketch for his mural, one that would now fit the size he’s shrunken his original down to, because to have people walk by and see this, thinking that the artist must be so in love is now bitter more than sweet because it became the opposite in such a short amount of time.

But Sehyoon couldn’t, so he’ll have to deal with being an alumni when he graduates and living with the thought that a portion of the country will see what a, barely, three month relationship did to him. 

He’s sure his professor will give him some sort of alternative as his final if he let her in on everything that’s been going on, of course she has knowledge on Sehyoon’s history, but he already struggles enough with even opening up to himself, he got himself into this, his grade will get him out.

“Sehyoon?” 

Here we go. 

His ears have adapted to identify the owner of the voice from a mile away, but this is close. Too close. 

Sehyoon ignores and continues to complete his outline, leaning away from the wall a few times to examine it, but he can feel the heat crawling up his spine, settling at the base of his neck. 

“Byeongkwan told me you might be here, I know it’s you.” And so much for the disguise. 

Still, he continues to dip his brush in the paint, too many times for his liking because he can’t seem to keep his nerves in check, and only hover his hand over the freshly drying black lines that are waiting to be completed. 

“I won’t leave until you talk to me.” He won’t, despite Donghun’s advice, he couldn’t help himself, this has to work between them no matter what. 

Junhee’s figure has come to display upon Sehyoon’s peripheral, he’s leaning against the bulletin wall and that’s one thing Sehyoon won’t miss about him, his stubbornness. He’ll stick to his word and follow Sehyoon to his car again when everything’s wrapped up if he has to, if he gets Sehyoon to speak to him, but Sehyoon won’t break, he’s stronger than that, at least he thinks. 

His sight shifts to the farthest corners his eyes will lead him every now and then because he just can’t help himself and from what he can make out, Junhee is far from his normal self. His hair doesn’t sit prettily on his forehead without effort, his head falls every few seconds before he regains himself and stares Sehyoon’s way for a few seconds, and he hasn’t bothered with much outerwear, still shirtless from the night before, he’s only covered with a jacket that isn’t even zippered to an extent. 

Sehyoon doesn’t want to feel bad for him, but it’s his heart. Feelings just don’t change in the matter of a couple hours, dismissing the fact that he cursed him out and deemed the other dead to him, he loves him and the kind of love he has for Junhee might just take a lifetime to get over. But he thinks he’s doing a good job at concealing it at least.

“Sehyoon, please just talk to me, I’ll do anything. I’m sorry, I promise I’m so sorry. I just—I can’t live without you, baby. You were the best thing to ever happen to me and I can’t lose you over this, please.” His voice is lowering in octaves by each word and Sehyoon has to turn his back to him to, first and foremost, contain himself and refrain from giving in. 

Junhee isn’t a quiet crier, though he’s trying to be because there’s still a few people in the main hall who could most likely care less about the situation because right now, they’re just two strangers, but his breath becoming hasty and muffled wheeping is far from music to Sehyoon’s ears. 

“What are you doing?” The voice appears behind Sehyoon, near Junhee and he’s thanking whoever’s up above because he was an inch away from bringing the boy to the comfort of his arms, no matter how much he hates him. 

“I told you to go home after this,” Donghun leans forward to identify Sehyoon, “you didn’t listen.” 

“I need him to talk to me, hyung,” his breathing is faster than the words he’s producing. “Why won’t he talk to me?” Sehyoon’s grip tightens on his paintbrush just as he’s grabbed from behind. “Sehyoon, I’m sorry. Please just listen to me!” 

He’s tugging at his sleeve and Sehyoon doesn’t have the strength to fight back, so he waits for Donghun to pry Junhee away from him. “Junhee, stop. You can’t do this here, we’re going home.” 

Junhee, on the other hand, does put up a fight, one that’s beginning to cause a crowd. He’s screaming Sehyoon’s name like a toddler having a temper tantrum, which is slowly but surely becoming inaudible by his sobs. Sehyoon still hasn’t made any sort of contact with him and at this point he’s afraid to, he doesn’t think anyone expected to see Park Junhee like this, not in a million years. 

He’s getting the urge to put an end to this and give Junhee what he wants because he can already feel stares his way and he no longer does well under the eyes of the public, his peers to sum it up, he’d rather not be the suspect again. But it’s only when Donghun begins to panic himself that Sehyoon has to finally turn his back to the wall. 

Junhee can barely hold his own weight anymore, his tears have got the best of him and from anyone else’s perspective, Sehyoon thinks he can say it looks like the simple task of breathing is becoming difficult for the trackstar. Their peers around him are now aware of who was behind the ruckus and their looks of worry have taken a drastic increase. It isn’t until Junhee’s knees give out on him and he near collapses to the school’s floor that Sehyoon realizes the only direction this is going is south. 

He rushes to his aid for the sole purpose of keep mostly his name clear from the public, he wouldn’t want this to add to his list of apparent _bad_ _things_ he’s done, but moreover on the account of the fact that he knows how to deal with this, he’s been in the position himself before, leaving Byeongkwan to do his, now, dirty work.

Donghun steps away when Sehyoon crouches in front of Junhee. “What’s wrong with him?” 

“He’s having a panic attack.” Everyone, which still isn’t much, crowds around the three. Sehyoon clears his throat and blesses whatever’s come over him, he didn’t think he’d ever find the bravery. “Give him space?” the bystanders stare at him, in shock of course. “That means leave! This doesn’t concern you. Put your phones down and delete it, I know all of your names and I’ll take every last one of you to court for recording without consent.” He won’t. 

They disperse as directed and Sehyoon’s cursing himself internally for what comes next. “Hey,” he lays a hand on Junhee’s shoulder, he’s sweating. “I need you to calm down, okay? I’m right here, Junhee. I’m right in front of you and I need you to breathe.” 

He doesn’t comply, hand clutching his bare chest, his eyes are screwed shut. “Open your eyes and look at me.” The words register and they make solid eye contact and just on instinct, Junhee begins to cry again. “No, no crying. Just breathe, can you do that for me?” 

He nods yet his hand is still ripping at his own skin. Sehyoon holds it and guides him, breathing deeply, hoping Junhee will eventually catch on himself and he does. “Good.” 

Junhee returns to his state prior to the mess they’re in now. His eyes glisten at Sehyoon, he’s the only person who matters right now, and ever. “Sehyoon,” he places his free hand over Sehyoon’s, “I’m sorry.” 

Sehyoon’s eyes have become misty themselves, it burns when he blinks. He rises to face Donghun who’s the most relieved between them all. “Thank you,” his orbs read sincerity. “And I’m also sorry, about him.”

Time is still ticking nonetheless and Sehyoon has things to tend to that doesn’t, in any way, involve the two. “Keep him away from me.” Donghun’s obviously taken back by the statement. “I’m not asking.” 

Without further comments, he dismisses himself from the two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh.. hi 
> 
> firstly, i am so very sorry about the long wait i really mean it. no excuses but my mental health has taken a toll on me unexpectedly and things have been shit haha.. but i’ve also just been really unmotivated? like it took me the entire month and some change you guys have been waiting to finish this chapter and i’m really sorry about that (also excuse my typos i half assed edited i literally finished writing this like 30 mins ago)
> 
> can’t promise that things will be speedy again but with school ending i can promise that you won’t have to wait that long ever again.. once again i’m sorry and thank u for barring with me i love u guys
> 
> also it’s comeback time!!! the comeback is in like a few.. so please go and stream undercover and show a.c.e a lot of love!! tell your peoples about them as well ^_^


	23. irreversible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so much happens for no reason

Sehyoon turned in what he could before the clock could strike twelve. He was far from finished. 

But he did let his professor know that he would complete the assignment regardless, and that what he turned in is what he’s expecting to be graded. So, technically speaking, he doesn’t have the obligation to finish the rest, but he will nonetheless because this is his passion and when has he ever considered half assing something? 

His eyes are fighting against strength as he stands on the small ladder he had to journey to the janitor’s closet to fetch, smoothing the paintbrush over the wall that he now fills with color. It’d be much better if he went back to Yuchan’s and got some rest, but he’s just about finished and being a perfectionist in this field, he can’t resist but to hold out for another hour or so. 

As much as Sehyoon hates to admit it, Junhee’s been on his mind amidst all of his worrying about his final grade. A panic attack is something he assumed he’d have to deal with leading up to the Olympics, had they’d made it that far, but over him? Over Sehyoon and his measly self? He feels the need to apologize for bringing so much stress upon him, he should be the last of anyone’s worries, that’s how he wanted it to be from the start, but now he’s stuck in something that he can’t run away from for as long as he lives. 

Because Junhee’s someone that will live in the small, but effective part of his brain until the day he dies because he did so much for Sehyoon in the short amount of time they had together, even if it was just out of pity, his pity made Sehyoon feel like he was on top of the world, a feeling he now knows he’ll never experience again because just like he said, no one will come close to being Park Junhee. Ever. 

So now he’s back to square one. He doesn’t have the tools to rebuild his walls, or the strength. But it’ll get done before he knows it because it means no one will ever be able to tear them down again, he no longer is under the influence of Byeongkwan, so he can listen to his conscience from this point forward and right now he thinks it’s making several points as he tells himself he really isn’t worthy of love. 

He could’ve actually fallen asleep standing up which might’ve been some new record for himself had there not been a few taps at the ladder that nearly resulting in a bright yellow meshing across his outlined black.

It’s at least past 1AM by now and he’s almost afraid to look down, granted it could be the janitor ready to scold him for taking his ladder without permission, but all of the school’s staff are too soft with Sehyoon because of his _history_. 

If he wasn’t awake before, he sure enough is now. His heart rate picks up at the sight of the structure below him. Youngho has his weight shifted onto one side, his hair is engulfed by a dark cap, he’s wearing a jean jacket with a plastic bag in his right hand. 

Sehyoon doesn’t speak, just moves slowly from the ladder, aching for his frame to be left alone as he attempts to ground himself, he doesn’t have the strength to fight back, but the look in Youngho’s eyes doesn’t taunt him for once, he only waits patiently for Sehyoon to find his place on the floor. 

And he does, grabbing his bag and turning away immediately, which might’ve been a bad move in the long run, but Youngho is the last person he wants to deal with now, or ever. 

“You can stop, Sehyoon. I’m not here for that.” His voice is so calm, too calm. The calm that Sehyoon was so accustomed to falling into at the end of every hard day. He’s too desperate right now for this. 

So he listens. Turning on his heel, he keeps his head low, his breathing a little on the rash side as he feels the other approach him slowly. Then his nerves calm and it’s like Youngho’s right before him, but when his head rises, he’s only moved a couple feet. 

“You look tired.” 

He’s so sincere, Sehyoon knows it and it only confuses him because why? Why does he feel the need to continue to mess with him like this? 

He fears for the worst if he doesn’t answer. “I’m not,” then he fears for far worst if he lies. “a little, but I’m fine.” 

“Are you okay?” 

Sehyoon’s head tilts subconsciously. “What?”

“Ah, sorry. Earlier.” Of course he was there, he’s everywhere. “Do you know him? Junhee?” 

Youngho isn’t dumb. He’s seen the photos of them on the internet if not in person, he wants confirmation and as much as he doesn’t deserve it, Sehyoon’s too scared to not give him what he wants. 

“Yes, but he’s alright now. I’m also okay.” 

Youngho nods, kicking one foot back when there are no further words. He chews on the inside of his mouth and Sehyoon can feel a smile grow faintly on his lips because _this_ is the boy he dreaded over for months, the person he stayed around for so long that he even caught on to his habits. He’s really out of it, isn’t he? 

“Well, I uh—I got this for you.” He holds out the plastic bag and Sehyoon scans the area around them for anyone or anything else, but it’s just them two and that eases yet makes him tense at the same time. He’s more than hesitant on approaching him, but Youngho’s arm doesn’t fall for a second. He ushers it into Sehyoon’s hands when they’re just inches apart, he jumps then freezes, but it’s in his possession. 

Sehyoon’s hand is trembling when it seeks what’s inside. “But I’m not hungry.” 

An energy drink, his favorite chips, sweets he’s too lightheaded to remember the names of, and bottled ice coffee all from his favorite convenience store, _their_ favorite. 

“You’ve been here all day, of course you are.” The thought of him being watched “all day” sends a pain down his spine that makes him jolt. 

He stares into the bag for far too long. “Thank you,” his voice is soft, he’s too afraid of what will happen next. 

But there’s nothing. Youngho smiles, pulling at the flaps of his jacket. “Take care of yourself and go home soon, get some rest.” Sehyoon can’t peel his eyes away from the inside of the bag, but he can feel Youngho’s aura distance away from him. “It looks nice, by the way.” 

The pair of heavy double doors shut and Sehyoon’s alone again. He looks in front of him and he’s actually gone. Then panic settles in his system and he sits the plastic bag on the floor and backs away in fear of Youngho still somehow watching, waiting for Sehyoon to enjoy his gift as he prepares to pounce, but still minutes into an hour passes, and there’s nothing. 

He wraps up all of his materials, snapping a few photos of his final product, he thinks he can say he’s satisfied for the time he was left with, and is in preparation to exit the building himself, but the bag is still there, waiting to be back in his possession. And oh how bad he wants it too, he’s starving. So, he inches towards it step by step, crouching to reach in and gets his hands around the chips he can’t even remember the last time he had, they remind him too much of the one who presented this to him. 

But he can’t resist and before he knows it, he’s in his car with the remainder of the goods inside the bag, feasting on whatever he can before he has to pull off. 

**.  .  .**  

“Do you wanna go for a walk with me?” Donghun didn’t care to knock, he’s standing at the threshold with his flat cap and spectacles on. 

“I’m okay.” Junhee has his back towards the elder, buried under his duvets. 

The door sofly clicks shut, but there’s footsteps moving towards him. “No, you aren’t. You’ve been laying here for days. Have you eaten?” 

He can’t remember, or care at this point. So he doesn’t respond and Donghun eases his hand across Junhee’s shoulder and he can feel his beginning throat close in this early. 

“You gotta get outside, Junhee. Or at least out of this room. We can watch something together and I’ll order takeout, sounds good?” 

It does. It sounds amazing. “I miss him.” 

Sehyoon hasn’t responded to any of his messages and his calls have gone vain. Junhee doesn’t know what he expected from him, but he didn’t even read them and Sehyoon _always_ reads his messages, even if he doesn’t have the time to respond. But the mark under the digital boxes remained delivered up until now and his conscience is telling him to stop, but he won’t, he can’t. He’ll budge and push until he gets something out of him, he can’t lose Sehyoon. Anyone else he would’ve given up by now, but he’s far too important. 

“I know you do. And he misses you too, but you have to know that what happened will take a while for him to swallow, you said he’s been through some shit, right?” 

“He doesn’t miss me.”

“Of course he does, Junhee.” 

He finally faces him. “And how do you know this? Have you been talking to him without me knowing? Is that what you’re doing now?” 

“I never said that.” 

“Then how do you know, hyung? How do you know he misses me when I know he doesn’t!” Tears have fled his eyes without further warning.

“Because he loves you. And you love him. That’s why you’re like this,” he sits in the edge of his bed. “Feelings just don’t disappear after a few days, do you realize that? You’ll love him until your heart gives out and I’m sure he’ll do the same, relationship or not.” 

Junhee doesn’t want to have to worry about the latter, he wants to have Sehyoon with him forever and that sounds selfish, but it’s true. As cliché as it is, he truly didn’t know himself before he met Sehyoon, he changed his life for the better and without him, he can’t define who he is without extra thought. Without Sehyoon, he’s just Park Junhee, the one you can search for online and get an entire Wikipedia page on. 

“You know what I think you need?” Donghun perks up all of a sudden, Junhee maneuvers so they’re making eye contact. “Practice. You need to run, hasn’t that always been a coping mechanism of yours?” he isn’t lying. “You’ve actually skipped a few days, so a couple hours won’t hurt, right? I can drive you.” 

Practice. Sehyoon. He’s connecting all the correct dots for once and if he isn’t out of his mind, practice is just beginning and no doubt Sehyoon isn’t there. The school year isn’t over yet. 

“Okay,” he sniffs and Donghun beams. “Okay?” Junhee nods and does his best to return the energy, but he probably just looks like he’s in tremendous physical pain. 

Donghun promised to grab them a bite and wait in the parking lot for the entirety of practice, fears of Junhee being bombarded by his teammates over what happened days before had he left him to wait and Junhee does appreciate it, he couldn’t love Donghun anymore than right now, but he has a plan and it doesn’t involve anyone but him and the other, not yet identified, specimen. 

He enters through the gates and everything has been set in its place. His mates are already jumping hurdles and going for warm up laps, but he can’t seem to find his target at hand. He sticks close to the wall as he makes his way to coach’s office. 

The old man has the frames on the bridge of his nose that Junhee hasn’t seen since his sophomore year. He doesn’t have to look up to know who it is, scary. “Junhee.” 

His name lingers in the quiet atmosphere for a moment, he isn’t sure how to respond, he only has one question on his mind. A question that falls absentmindedly before coach can inhale another breath. “Is Sehyoon here?” 

Coach spares him one glance his way. “I would’ve suspected he told you.” He’s scribbling away at paper work. 

“Told me what?” 

His hand pauses at the end of a sheet of paper. He removes the frames from his face, placing his pen neatly on the desk and making full contact with Junhee, doing a double take on his appearance. “He resigned. Well, his time was up anyway, he had a few more days, but I let him go.” 

“You let him go?” For a man who _has_ to get the job done no matter what, this shocks him far past his situation with Sehyoon. 

“Was I not supposed to? He did everything I needed him to for the year, he’s done.” He collects the stack of papers neatly. “You owe me laps, you’re behind.” 

He doesn’t owe him shit. “How long ago was this?” 

Coach gives him one long stare. “What’s up with you lately?” 

“Coach, I really need you to answer this.”

“He set up not too long ago. I’d say he left my office about ten minutes ago.” 

He can find him. “I’ll be back.” He’s straight out of the room just as the man registers what just went down.

It’s been a minute since he’s obtained such speed under his legs that he’s nearly out of breath just as he starts, but he’s far from giving up. If Sehyoon drove, he’ll run until his body gives out on him if it means he’s gotten closer to the only person who matters in this world. 

The burning sensation of his lungs begin to numb his upper body and his chest tightens, but he’s nearing the first destination he can think of, he’ll make it. 

The door of the engineering café swings open with more than force, he couldn’t bother to even skim the parking lot, his eyes shoot straight through the shop for the pair he’s in desperate need of. 

And he finds them. 

They don’t completely discern what they’re staring back at, mainly the human instinct of identifying a problem at hand, the problem being Junhee in the midst of making a scene in one of the calmest places on campus. But mere seconds pass and before Junhee can approach, Sehyoon’s cancelling his order and darting straight for the exit near the counter. 

And of course he isn’t nearly as fast as Junhee and he catches up to him, his pace undoubtedly deserves applaud though, he can’t deny. 

“How long am I gonna have to play this game of hide and go seek with you?” The desperation in his voice is shadowed out by his lungs’ cry for a proper source of oxygen. 

Sehyoon fishes out his keys and directs them at his car, which is just in direct eyesight from where Junhee’s following after, but before the pad of his thumb can press down on a button, Junhee smacks at his hand and he flinches, the keys jingle one time against the pavement. 

Neither makes further movement. Junhee watches Sehyoon stare at his property on the ground, the guilt is eating at him. 

“Sehyoon, can we just talk? Please?” 

He has good intentions and Sehyoon knows it, but he can’t afford to get himself wrapped up in trouble, not anymore. He’s done throwing himself around and putting his desperation to be loved before himself.

“We have nothing to talk about.” His voice is stern, but he’s caving on the inside. 

Junhee’s heart skips a beat and he coughs before answering. “Are you serious? Why are you being like this?” 

“Like what?” For the first time in a while, dismissing when Sehyoon saved his ass from hyperventilation, he completes the contact Junhee’s been craving and he’s regretting it just a second in. He looks terrible and Sehyoon wants to burst into tears and apologize for being the reason he’s like this, but his one ounce of pride is still fighting. “Do you want me to act like the boy who kissed up to you? Do you want me to act like I wasn’t your play toy? Is that what you want? Do you want me to forget that you kissed him? We’re done, Junhee. Move on and forget about me.”

It feels like he’s been shot in the same spot with an arrow, to the point where it’s harder to catch his breath than after a marathon. Sehyoon’s back is towards him and he collects his keys, going for his vehicle had Junhee not got a grip on his shoulder. 

He spun him so that they’re one with each other again. “Okay, I got it. We’re done. I’m not asking to be in your life again, Sehyoon, I’m asking for you to listen to me and at this point, you’re just being disrespectful.” 

A smile creeps onto Sehyoon’s lips, he lets out an airy laugh. “Disrespectful? So now I’m the suspect? Because I don’t wanna listen to your bullshit coated lies, I’m suddenly disrespectful?” 

“When have I ever lied to you, Sehyoon? Give me one time and I’ll leave you alone.” He folds his arms, but the answer comes before he can get comfortable. 

“Recall everyday we spent together from the past six months, there’s your answer.” 

He turns on his heel one more time, but Junhee isn’t ready to let go. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be.

“Those past six months,” he has to project his voice because Sehyoon’s getting some distance between them, “did you ever think about him?” 

Sehyoon pauses in his footsteps, the keys dangle from one finger. “Who?” 

“You know exactly who I’m talking about.” 

“You can’t do that,” his eyes no longer meet Sehyoon’s backside. “That isn’t fair.” 

“How come? Just because you spent half a decade with him? Or was it because you guys were in a relationship and we weren’t? Am I suddenly invalid?” 

Sehyoon shifts his weight onto one leg. “You’re really pulling the victim card.” 

“I’m not, but you can’t just act like this is all on me.

“Where did I go wrong then?”

“You still didn’t answer my question.” His arms are folded. 

Sehyoon throws his head backwards and laughs. “You’re pathetic, you know that right?”

Junhee smiles out of satisfaction of being right, but it isn’t worth it. He’s crumbling internally and can feel his eyes welling. “And my question still stands.” 

Sehyoon reads something Junhee has never experienced, nor did he think he would ever have to because it’s making him uncomfortable at this point. It isn’t the eyes that he would look at him with whenever he said something corny or the ones that glimmered whenever he made his heart do a flip, this is far from that. He’s staring at Junhee like he just made the worst mistake of his life, which he did, but this is just further confirmation. 

He hates him. There’s no question to that anymore. Junhee used to ponder on the issue around the time when they first met, but it was just him being conscious about having a new friend, but now that he knows Sehyoon better than anyone else, what’s exhibiting between the two of them right now, this is hatred from Sehyoon to the other. 

It becomes unbearable after a while. “You’re right,” the words make Sehyoon snap from his daze on Junhee, “we are done.” 

Then the entirety of Sehyoon’s face drops. 

“Just forget it, okay? I get it now. I won’t keep chasing after you.” He can’t believe he’s letting this fall from his tongue with such ease. “I can’t change your outlook on me and I won’t try, but I still am terribly sorry, Sehyoon.” 

He inhales from another round of speech, but nothing comes out and he sighs, nodding to nothing in specific and walking towards Sehyoon, their shoulders don’t even brush when he makes their paths cross.

He manages to suppress the urge to look back on his way to the stadium because he knows Sehyoon’s still there, he never heard a car start. But had he did, he would’ve went back and apologized because he does want to try to earn forgiveness, he’d do anything if it meant he could have Sehyoon back in his arms, but that’d just be the him, the stubborn him, that Sehyoon disliked at first and if he already hates him, imagine what being a pest would do. 

He’ll get over him. He has to, there isn’t any other choice. He has the biggest opportunity of his life at hand that he’s yet to start intense training for despite all of the calls and messages from his trainer and he would probably hate himself the most if he gave this up over feelings. 

But one more skipped practice won’t hurt. 

Donghun’s car is still parked in front of the stadium and he slides into the front seat without warning, the elder jumping at the suddenness. “What are you doing? I thought practice didn’t end until eight?” 

“Yeah.” He focuses on whatever will keep him from shedding tears, it isn’t doing a good job. 

“Yeah? It’s only seven, what happened?”

“Let’s just go home, yeah? I’m tired.” He forces a laugh, but Donghun doesn’t fall for it. 

He grabs Junhee’s chin and forces him to look back at him. “What happened?” 

Junhee places Donghun’s hand on his own lap gently, smiling, he looks broken. “I said let’s go home.” 

He does a double take, but isn’t in the mood to argue. “Alright.” 

Donghun offered to stop by at the café, his treat, but Junhee couldn’t let him find out that he went against his words _again_ and now he’s even more lost and defeated than before. 

.  .  .

“You’ll be there, right?” Sehyoon adjusts his cap to fit comfortably atop his head. 

Yuchan pretends to weep, brushing away under his eye. “Of course, I couldn’t miss seeing my two favorite people graduate for the world.” Sehyoon almost forgot about the other. “Speaking of, do you two plan on making up any time soon? Not that I don’t want you here, but I had plans for us to go out later on.” 

Sehyoon couldn’t bare not to let the younger in on what has been going on lately, sparing him the triggering details, but he gets the gist of the situation. 

“Nah,” Sehyoon turns to Yuchan with a smile. “I don’t think so, but we can always still go out.” 

“It won’t be the same, too much tension.” Yuchan shivers. “But, I understand, don’t worry.” 

Sehyoon extends his arm to ruffle his hair, understanding is all he could ask for lately. 

Him and Yuchan part ways in the parking lot as the younger has errands to run before the big hour and Sehyoon, as a graduate, has to be at the center he’ll be receiving his diploma inside in less than an hour. 

The atmosphere is his biggest fear when he arrives. His peers running every which way, socializing with each other for what might be the last time ever and his professors attempting to get everyone rounded, which they’re failing miserably at. Sehyoon can only find the seat with his name on it and plant himself there until further notice. 

He hates himself for caring if Byeongkwan made it here safely or not. And Junhee—and as eerie as it is, Youngho as well. None of them care about him, but they’re all he’s ever had in college and in general, life. Maybe if he went against his fears in previous years, he would’ve had a little group of people who he’d most likely be with right now, a group of people that isn’t his family that will be cheering for him when he walks across the stage. 

“Kim Sehyoon!” His name is shouted, not from afar, but amid all of his peers, there’s no choice but to yell for one another. 

Sehyoon squints for the owner of the voice, his eyes focusing on the structure waving at him, his art professor. He rises, adjusting his gown and forces the most genuine smile on his face as they come to a meet. 

“Congratulations, sweetheart. You look amazing.” He grants her a complete bow that she respectively returns. “I’m not sure when I’ll be able to see you again after this moment, so I just wanted to see it’s been an honor to have been your guide for all of these years, you taught me a lot, believe it or not.” 

There’s no worry in forcing a smile after that. “Thank you, I appreciate it.” 

“I mean it, Sehyoon.” She grabs both of his hands. “And about your mural,” his heart stops for a split second, “firstly, you’re one of, if not the most, talented people I’ve had the blessing of teaching.” 

“It’s beautiful, honey. I went to see it this morning, I didn’t want what you submitted to define you, you know you’re much more than that.” Her eyes are so sincere that he feels like bursting, no one’s told him this in quite the while. “I couldn’t wait to tell you, you got a perfect score, you deserve it.” 

Sehyoon blinks a couple of times, then leans his head in a little to completely register what was just said and his professor giggles, nodding. Out of all of the work he’s submitted in all of his years, the painting and sculptures he spent restless nights on, not once has he received a perfect score, there was always one ounce of criticism she had left after everything he’s given. And he took it into consideration each and every time, but it seemed to be useless in the end. All he needed was a few rushed hours, that’s all he needed in four years. 

“I know you worked very hard on it. And the meaning—it’s beautiful, my dear. Whoever inspired you to create this, they must love you very much and you have to love them. I hope they see it, Sehyoon, show them how much they mean to you.” 

His mind falls blank for a second. He won’t see it, ever, and even if he does, he won’t know that it’s about him. So now that Sehyoon thinks about it, is there really a meaning anymore? He is back at square one after all, the point where his world is grey and he has no way of rebuilding himself because there’s no one for him to depend on, no one to be his source of happiness. 

She places a hand on his shoulder. “Promise me I’ll see you big one day. You have to do well, Sehyoon. You’re far too talented for this world not to.” 

His mouth is dry, so he nods and she grants him a reassuring smile, ruffling his hair before disappearing into the crowd that is beginning to disperse towards the back where graduates are held until the ceremony officially begins, he follows behind not too long after. 

It seems his worries have been put to shame about the people that shouldn’t be on his mind as the student speakers make their way to the stage amid the ceremony and his eyes don’t fail to fall on and recognize both Junhee and Youngho as they follow behind each other, representing the athletic and science departments. 

Sehyoon sometimes forgets that despite the monster among him, Youngho is top ranked for his major and overall in the department of science, he’s exceptionally intelligent when he isn’t busy ruining the lives of others. 

_That_ could’ve been Sehyoon, obviously he’s one of the best in his department, but he doesn’t have the popularity to back him up, not in a good way at least. People would look at him as if he was a foreigner if he went on that stage and grew the balls to say something to the class who would’ve liked him dead just a few months ago. So instead, Bae Joohyun takes the lead as the face of his department, a theater student who’s made a fair amount of cameos in successful dramas, it’s safe to say she’ll make it big in the real world. 

He avoids contact with the stage at all costs when Junhee is talking. He sounds more confident than usual and that breaks something in Sehyoon, it’s not that he expects him to seem devastated, if that’s even the appropriate word, but the thought of him forgetting about Sehyoon completely so quickly is unsettling. 

Towards the end of the speech he finds his eyes absentmindedly wandering from the tassels on his gown to the stage and it’s as if they’re in sync because Junhee’s ignoring the paper on the podium below him and his eyes are fixed solely on Sehyoon. The contact doesn’t break when he wishes everyone the best on future endeavors and not even when he’s walking off of the stage, it isn’t until he loses him in the sea of graduates that he turns his attention back to the stage. 

He might’ve been the last one to rise from his seat and search for his family after the ceremony, not because of the mass swarm of bodies before him, but because he hasn’t spoken with his mom since the wedding and if he’s being honest, he doesn’t want to. She’ll ask about Junhee and he’ll have to come up with another excuse from the top of his head that seems reasonable and they’ll probably remain skeptical, but he can’t bring himself to asking the boy to force everything to be okay between them just for a few minutes, that’s the last thing he’ll do. 

But then there’s his father, who promised to be here today, and he never breaks a promise. His father, the man who never really accepted Sehyoon’s outing, the man who, alike his mother but more blunt, didn’t think he was worthy of having a boyfriend. That’s who he really doesn’t want to face because more than his mother, he’ll want to meet Junhee and how embarrassing would it be to say he lost a boyfriend he only had for a few months. 

But he has to find them soon because his peers and their loved ones are slowly, but surely, dispersing from the center with hopes of celebrating with one another, the part Sehyoon’s dreading the most. 

He rises from the steel chair and adjusts himself one more time, holding his head up as high as possible and making his chest seem more broad because he can’t look this weak in front of the man who made him who he is today. 

“Hyung!” He almost forgot about the support system he has outside of his family. 

He sinks his chest back in and pivots only to be met with more than just Yuchan, and he doesn’t like the sight.

Junhee stands beside Donghun, fidgeting in search of something to distract him from who’s before him. Then there’s Donghun who’s a little _too_ close to Yuchan for Sehyoon’s liking, his breath hitches and he coughs when his eyes fall to their intertwined fingers. And though he fails to ignore him, Byeongkwan stands behind Yuchan on his phone, probably avoiding Sehyoon as well. 

Sehyoon’s head tilts on instinct. “I’m confused.” He points to Donghun and Yuchan. 

“Ah,” Yuchan blushes and Sehyoon then connects the dots. He brings the hands up to view. “We uh—he’s my boyfriend.” 

Donghun kicks his foot and smiles softly before coming into contact with Sehyoon. “Congratulations, by the way.” 

“Thanks, you too.” He can’t control the words that are falling. “How did this happen, Chan?” 

“We’re in the same vocal academy, but that isn’t important. We’re all um, going out in a few and I thought it would be nice if you came as well.” 

He’d rather spend the night with Youngho and if that isn’t saying something, then he doesn’t know what is. “My father is back in town, so I’m sure he’ll want to do something.” And it’s like a bell goes off in both his and Junhee’s head because the line is so familiar. Junhee stares at him, almost in fear and Sehyoon doesn’t want to believe what he’s thinking, but he feels oddly powerful. “But you’ll have a good time in my honor, right?” 

“Of course, hyung. We all will.” Yuchan smiles as if he’s oblivious to what he attempted to do. “Tell your father I said hello, yeah? And congratulations, I’ll see you at home?” 

It’s Byeongkwan’s turn to hold a stare on Sehyoon, this one hurts more than it should. Byeongkwan knows where his home is and it isn’t with Kang Yuchan, he feels like Sehyoon’s moving on too fast for comfort. 

“Of course,” Sehyoon returns the smile before dismissing himself from the group, neither Junhee or Byeongkwan breaking their hold on him. He can feel them burning holes through his backside but he also feels accomplished in a way knowing that they feel what he felt, what he’s trying to overcome, what he’s yearning to forget. 

He can spot his family not too far from the exit, they must’ve gave up on searching for him and he doesn’t blame them. 

He’s whipping out his phone from the pocket of his dress pants to text Eunsuh to wait when he’s sidetracked yet again. At this rate, they’ll pull off back to Gwangju without greeting him. 

“Sehyoon!” He picks up the pace in his steps, but the voice is already after him and before Sehyoon can blink again, Youngho’s got ahold of his shoulder. 

The way he makes Sehyoon face him is on the aggressive side. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been looking for you everywhere since the ceremony ended.”

And he didn’t care to look where he was seated given that he eyed Sehyoon down throughout the entirety of his speech. 

“Why?” Sehyoon is still taken back from the grab of his shoulder, he’s rubbing at the spot and Youngho looks so apologetic but he can’t fall for this, he’s far more stronger than that now.

“To congratulate you, of course.” Sehyoon’s head does a tilt subconsciously and there’s a faint smirk on his lips that fall agape, it doesn’t make sense. “Is this some kind of joke?” 

Youngho looks above then around him. “What do you mean?” 

“You bringing me food the other night and now going out of your way to tell me this? What’s with the sudden change in attitude, what should I be preparing for?” He’s only this brave because Junhee and Byeongkwan aren’t too far and despite everything, he still feels like they have his back. 

Sehyoon can tell the last part hit a grey area and he hates himself for almost regretting it. “Listen Sehyoon, I know you may hate me for various reasons,” may is under phrasing it, “but I’ve been getting help and I’m really trying to better myself.” 

He almost looks like the boy Sehyoon left the house at midnight for in his teenage years. “What took you so long?” 

The response is immediate, like he practiced this. “I lost you.” Still, Sehyoon’s heart takes a jump in speed. “You think I don’t know?” 

“Know what?” 

“Junhee. He means a lot to you, doesn’t he? I’ve never seen you so happy.” 

Little does he know. “Oh..”

“I realize that I manipulated and tormented you and held you down when you should’ve had all of the freedom to make your own decisions.” He’s careful with his tone in the following words. “I most importantly _hurt_ you, emotionally and physically, and there’s no excuse for any of it. I can’t apologize or make up for anything, but that barrier doesn’t stop me from trying. I’m so sorry, Sehyoon.” 

There’s welling in his throat that makes it hard to breathe and form a sentence that he just stares at Youngho until it dies down. “I uh—I don’t know how to respond to this.” 

“You don’t have to, I just didn’t know when I’d have another chance to say this.” 

He scratches at his nape. “I planned to stay in Seoul for a bit since I hate my family, but I think I’ll be coming home soon—if you were gonna be there or anything, I guess.” 

“I will be, yeah.” He taps his foot around, anticipating the next part. “If you wanted to um, as a celebratory thing, it’d be nice if I could take you out to breakfast or lunch rather than dinner, just to play it safer. Only if you want to, though.” 

Sehyoon watches his blinking become uneven as there’s a growing time frame between the gesture and his answer. There’s a smile creeping up on his face, “Text me.” 

Youngho coughs before regaining a disbelief hold on Sehyoon. He feels like he’s done enough today that he could go back to Yuchan’s and sleep soundly for the remainder of the week. “Congratulations.” Sehyoon almost wants to touch him, but he just turns with hesitation instead and makes his way to his family, leaving Youngho behind still standing in shock. 

He can make out his dad fixing Eunsuh’s hair from the parking lot and calls for both of them, he could care less for his mother at the moment. 

“My son,” his dad comes embracing him with open arms. “What took you so long?”

“Things with my friends, sorry. Also Yuchan says hello.” He has to make it somewhat believable.

He wasted no time with this one. “Speaking of Yuchan, have you found yourself a boyfriend yet?” 

Sehyoon tosses the hard cover portfolio his diploma and other achievements came in from hand to hand. “My first time seeing you in almost four years and this is what you have to say? How about congratulations, dad? And what does Yuchan have to do with any of this?” 

“Congratulations, my son.” He gives Sehyoon a patient glance. “But you know what I told you the last time we spoke.” 

“Do I?” 

His father quirks an eyebrow at him at the sudden remark. “If you haven’t found yourself a boyfriend by now that me and your mother approves of, you agreed to meet some of the daughters of my division mates.” 

And this is why he hates his family. “No, fuck no.”

“Kim Sehyoon!” His father steps his foot down and Eunsuh is seen giggling in the background. 

“I’m not doing that, dad, I’m not. You can disown me or kick me out, hell, do both if the shoe fits, but I’m not meeting anyone.” 

“Where’s your boyfriend then?” 

There’s a round of heels clicking that become more prominent as the seconds pass by and just as Sehyoon comes to identify the source, he’s grabbed by his mother and pulled into a hug, her shoes smacking the concrete as she rocks them back and forth, pulling away just to plant a few kisses on his cheeks. “My dear Sehyoon, I’m so proud of you, darling!” She hands him a gift bag. 

He never thought he’d ever be this happy to see the woman. “See?” He wraps his arm around his mother until he reaches her hand, leaning her into his frame. “This is how you greet _and_ congratulate someone.”

“Did I miss something?” His mother looks frantically to Sehyoon, her husband, and back. 

“Your son and I had an agreement that he seems to fail to recall.” 

“Oh, I’m just her son now? Is that how you wanna do things?” He wants to launch the corner of the portfolio right at the old man’s eye. “And I didn’t forget shit, I’m old enough to make my own decisions and I’m not doing it.” 

“Sehyoon!” His mother hits his chest, it doesn’t hurt one bit. “That is _not_ how you address your father. Now apologize and tell me what’s going on.” 

Sehyoon folds his arms in response and waits for the man to speak up instead, and he does. “Honey, I appreciate you, but we’ll handle this when we get home, won’t we?” 

“I’m not coming home.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean I’m not coming home, this isn’t your business.” Eunsuh sucks in a hiss and comes to his side, tugging on his ear. “Don’t you think this is a bit—much?” He pushes her away. 

“First, you disappoint me furthermore with this whole boy likes boy phase of yours, now, you plan to leave your own family for personal business, you’re not the son I remember.” 

“I can’t do this, this is insane.” 

Just as he’s fetching for his car keys from his pocket, his mother gets a grip on his gown. “What do you mean? Sehyoon has a boyfriend, honey.” She turns to Sehyoon, smacking his arm. “Why didn’t you tell him about Junhee? Where is he anyway?” 

“Junhee?” His father perks up.

He’s screwed. 

“Park Junhee, the trackstar, haven’t you heard of him? He’s such a nice boy.” 

“Well, Sehyoon, I’d like to meet him. Wasn’t he one of the speakers earlier? He mustn’t be far.” 

He bites down on his bottom lip until he tastes blood. “He has his own family to tend to.” 

“Can’t you phone him or something?” 

“For God’s sake—,” he drags his entire palm down his face, “we’re on a break right now.”

“A break?” Shock has possessed his mother’s face. “Did you do something wrong? Is he upset? You guys were just fine at the wedding, what did you do?” 

“And this is the shit I’m talking about,” he doesn’t hesitate to grab the keys that’s been hanging from his clothing. “I can’t do it with this family anymore.” 

He points to both his parents. “I hate you and I hate you.” He doesn’t spare anything else before pressing down on the panic button, he can’t remember where he parked. Eunsuh is running after him because he’s already gotten a lead from his family, she pulls on his sleeve. “Don’t do this, Sehyoon. I know they’re a pain, but just give him what he wants, yeah? It’ll be alright, please don’t leave me.” 

There’s stray tears that she doesn’t realize are falling and he uses the pad of his thumb to stroke them away. “I won’t, I’m sorry.” He squats down to her height and envelopes her in his arms, his father approaching them both slowly. 

“Just to be clear,” his voice is clear and stern, the one that used to scare Sehyoon when he was younger. “You will be meeting those daughters, no further comments, Kim Sehyoon.” 

He clenches his jaw. “Yes, sir.” 

“Eunsuh, let’s go.” And with just a snap of his fingers she’s no longer in Sehyoon’s hold, if this day couldn’t get worse, her face just made it. He’s a shit older brother. 

She whispers before following their father. “You’ll be coming home, right?” 

“Not today, but in a few.” Her face deepens in its sink. “I’ll be there, promise.” He holds his hand out and she completes the gesture. 

Congratulations to him. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again! sorry for the wait as always but just know i love and think about you guys and this story all of the time..don’t give up on me please! it’ll be so worth it! 
> 
> if you got any questions (regarding the story or me) or anything..don’t hesitate to ask i read comments all of the time and appreciate every last one of them <3


	24. art of letting you go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this just gonna get sadder

He sat in the parking lot, watching everyone else leave, including his family, for about thirty minutes and then drove around Seoul in hopes of finding something to treat himself to instead for another. He’s still a college graduate at the end of the day and if his own family doesn’t even have him, he has himself, even if it is barely.

There’s considerably a great deal of places to either eat or drink your college worries away in Seoul, all that Sehyoon can afford with the few bills he has in his wallet, but he can’t help but worry that his peers are enjoying themselves in every spot he has his eye on and if they see him alone on the night of graduation, well it wouldn’t be a shock, but he can be spared the embarrassment.

Then he remembers a bar hidden in the alleyway of a busy street that’s almost forgotten about by everyone in the city. He only remembers the place from the one time his uncle took him out when he was just barely reaching his teen years, him and his father got into it after he disobeyed him and instead of fearing for the spanking that he didn’t get, his uncle scooped him out of the house before his father could take action.

To his surprise, it’s still open, not as empty as he remembers, but he can’t identify a single head here, mostly because of the dimmed atmosphere, but that’s even better on his side as well.

The owner treats him very well and he can’t even remember the last time he’s drank this time. His head is making his world do somersaults, but he still sticks a finger upwards, asking for more.

And he feels sick after he downs that glass. The beer refuses to go down at this point, sitting at the roof of his throat, it’s too overwhelming to swallow, he might just throw up if he does, but he’s too sad to care.

He hates his family and his friends because all he ever is, is betrayed by them and that pains him more than anything else. He’ll never have anyone else in his life because his trust issues have reached their peak and he fears that anyone who even smiles at him is out to ruin his life moreover, if that’s even possible.

He might as well become a drunk even though this beer is disgusting and his tongue is numb, he hates drinking more than he hates himself right now, but what else can he resort to? All of his attempts have gone to dust, he’s too tired to keep wasting his time like this. He’s young enough to become addicted and if he’s lucky, the alcohol poisoning he’ll sustain will do just the trick before he can hit his late twenties. 

“One more.” He’s laying on his arm flat out on the countertop, the tassels from his cap tangling in his eyelashes.

“He doesn’t need anything else,” a voice makes itself known from behind him, he can feel the body heat slide onto the stool beside him. “How much has he had?”

The owner above him answers nine, far past Sehyoon’s tolerance count. “God, Sehyoon. How did you manage—I’ll cover his bill, no worries.”

And then the voice becomes a bit more clear and he whips his head in the direction of the, not so much, stranger—bad move. He can feel his brain slosh and the headache he’s grown on has intensified, this is death knocking at his door. “Youngho?” There’s saliva forming a pool right below his cheek, he wipes the corner of his mouth with his free hand, throwing it out in front of him.

Youngho cringes. “What did you do to yourself?”

“Nothing!” His eyelids are heavy, he smiles. “I’m good, what you talking bout, man?” 

“Who’s that?” There’s an extra round of voices behind him that Sehyoon doesn’t fail to add names to, some of Youngho’s close friends. 

“It’s me!” Sehyoon throws himself upwards, falling right out of the stool, his body comes into contact with the floor with a thud. “Oh, shit.” 

“No one.” Sehyoon is still swallowed by his gown, but no one can identify him. “You guys go ahead, I’ll pay for everything. I gotta get him home.”

His friends crouch down to get a better look at Sehyoon, but Youngho stands over him, he gestures to the door and his friends don’t fail to comply, no matter what he does to _better_ _himself_ , he’s still intimidating without effort.

“Come on,” he gets the entirety of Sehyoon under one arm, getting him back onto the stool with the other.

“How did you know I was here?” His words are slurred but the key points come out as clear as possible. 

“I didn’t, but it’s hard not to spot someone with this bright ass gown on.”

“Everyone hates me,” he mumbles against the counter.

“That isn’t true.”

“Yeah,” his eyes roll to the back of his head for a second, he feels like he’s on the verge of passing out and throwing up at the same time. “I don’t have any friends and my dad probably wants me dead. I’m here alone like a fucking loser because,” he throws his body upwards, his voice filling the entire bar, “everyone hates me!”

His body is swaying and Youngho has to catch his head from smacking the cold tiles, again. “You’re loud, Sehyoon.”

“Everyone hates me!!” He makes a song out of the three words, sticking his finger out towards Youngho at the end of it, “And it’s all because of you.”

His cheeks hollow and there’s suddenly and uncomfortableness between them that Sehyoon is too hazy to acknowledge. “I gotta get you home.”

Youngho reaches for Sehyoon’s waist, but he throws a hand up and it collides with his cheek. “Don’t touch me! I got this.” 

Youngho’s jaw tenses, but he steps back regardless, granting Sehyoon the chance to clown himself.

He slides the owner the cash for the bill and more before chasing after Sehyoon, who’s already out of the door, sliding against the wall. His gown is starting to rip and he’s humming a song to himself, Youngho only trails behind him and his pace slows and after a minute or two, his knee buckles and he collapses onto the concrete.

“Alright,” Youngho lifts him from his upper body, “I got you.”

Sehyoon curls into his side, nuzzling his head into the broad chest he once was inured to. “I miss my Junie.”

“What?” They’re nearing his car.

“He’s so perfect and I’m just stupid and insecure,” Youngho seats him on the passengers side, Sehyoon waits until he’s seated himself to continue. “He doesn’t even know how _I_ used _him_ —I blamed everything on him because I’m so fucking dumb and weak.”

Youngho just places his keys on the dashboard. “I’m dumb and weak just like you said I was because I couldn’t even properly get over you,” he tries to suck up the cry that wants to fall out, but fails. “He came into my life so suddenly and I used him at my expense as an excuse to get over your stupid ass and that’s why I hate you.”

“I hate you because you don’t even know how you tore us apart and I barely know how you did it either, but you did and now I’m sitting here drunk letting you in on all of my secrets like you care.”

“I do care, Sehyoon.”

“Don’t pull that shit on me, I’m not stupid anymore—well I am, but I’m not falling for you again, don’t let me.” The tears streak each side of his face as he leans back into the seat. “No matter what,” his voice has become softer, “you better not let me.”

Youngho wants to argue on how his sole purpose isn’t to win him back, but Sehyoon’s far too wasted to even remember this conversation in the morning. “Am I taking you to Gwangju or not?”

“Unless I’m going to your house, I don’t wanna hear of that place ever again.” There’s a drag in the silence afterwards, he still doesn’t start the car. “Chanie—Kang Yuchan, take me there.”

The name rings a faint bell, he can remember picking Sehyoon from the place of someone by that name a few years ago and drives as slow as possible in hopes of any areas becoming familiar.

“Right there, right there.” Sehyoon perks up after a while, causing Youngho to jump and his grip on the steering wheel to tighten, he pulls into the parking of an apartment building.

Youngho’s forgotten how high maintenance Sehyoon is when he’s under the influence. He takes action before thinking and meets face first with the concrete while getting out of the car, his face is beginning to leak when Youngho gets him back onto his feet, but it doesn’t seem to bother Sehyoon, he giggles and skips out of his reach, humming a song so loud that his lungs might burst. 

Thankfully, he still has the sense in him to remember where he’s supposed to be going, attacking the elevator buttons until the doors close shut. He sighs, twirling himself into Youngho’s side, the blood from his cheek seeping through his shirt.

Once the barriers open, he dashes straight from the structure and down the hall a bit, coming to face one of the many doors on the floor. Youngho wants to hold his placement as far away from the door as possible, he knows his friends don’t have the best outlook on him, but he also doesn’t want Sehyoon causing any random stranger trouble had it not be home to Chan.

“Hyung,” Yuchan looks more than relieved to see it be Sehyoon at his doorstep. “What happened to your face?”

“I—,” but before he can attempt to explain, Youngho appears not too far behind Sehyoon, Yuchan’s eyes falling to the damp spot on his t-shirt. He doesn’t hesitate to pull Sehyoon by the tears of his gown, closer to him, away from the devil. “What the fuck did you do to him?” His voice is low and he looks into the apartment for a split second before resuming contact with Youngho.

“I didn’t do anything,” the calmness of the suspect at hand only infuriates the younger male. 

“I’m sparing you right now.” He takes one step into the hall. “Stay away from him or I’ll call the police on you.” The door slams before Youngho can counter.

There’s a movie playing in the background that a Sehyoon can’t be bothered to identify. Yuchan caresses his face in one hand. “Why didn’t you just come here..” 

“I’m trying to tell you, Chanie,” his voice projects throughout the entire apartment, “I’m just clums—” the final syllable is caught on the tip of his tongue, the sight past his friend sends him to near sobriety.

And it seems the sight has taken notice of Sehyoon as well, all staring at him like he’s an outsider. It seems after all that he is. 

“Why are they here.” He pushes Yuchan’s hand away from him. 

Donghun is seated on the couch that Yuchan took Sehyoon in on and next to him, and God he’s tired of having this name in his thoughts by now, is Junhee, his hand was reaching into a bag of popcorn. And the honorable mention is Byeongkwan, sitting on the sofa farthest away from them all, the one closest to now Sehyoon and Yuchan.

“I’ll explain to you later, but you’re really drunk right now, so let’s just get you to bed, okay?”

Usually Sehyoon would comply because in this state of intoxication, he loves being taken care of, but the vexation is building up inside of him that he feels more like himself now, the daytime him.

His first thought is to go into the kitchen and reach into the knife case.

Realization sinks into Yuchan on what Sehyoon has in mind, “Hyung—” 

The knife is pointed straight towards him. “Do you take me as a joke, Kang Yuchan?” The movie pauses. “You tell me to come here, but you have these fools over? Was this a setup from the beginning?”

He knows Sehyoon’s somewhat in his right mind with his wording, but his action is the complete opposite and it puts a smile on his face. “Put the knife down.”

“Oh, this is funny to you?” He tries to forward the tool in front of him, but stumbles into the oven instead.

Sehyoon directs his attention from Yuchan failing to keep his laughter in check to the living room, all three of the remaining individuals stare at him as if he’s gone mad, he has.

“I want you and you dead!” It’s obvious who his anger is aimed towards, yet the knife points straight at the lamp. Donghun isn’t sure if he should watch in fear or amusement. 

“But most importantly,” Sehyoon sing-songs the words and his next maneuver is so swift yet messy that everyone sucks in a breath except himself, “I must go first!” The knife’s tip just barely touches his neck.

“Okay Sehyoon, really put it down.” Yuchan approaches him with caution though both Sehyoon’s eyes are screwed shut.

“You can’t make me.” 

“Put it down, Sehyoon.” Junhee speaks up and he nearly melts.

“You wanna fuck with me, Park Junhee? You think you can make me put this down?” It falls out of his hand without effort, the heel hitting his foot. “Where are you?” He throws his fist out as if he was still holding the utensil. “You think I’ll listen to your stupid voice, huh? Well, I will.” His arm drops to his side, his body following suit to the kitchen floor exactly afterwards. “You’re stupid and perfect and I hate you so much.” 

He’s sobbing into the silk of his gown and Yuchan comes to his aid. “We gotta get you to bed.”

He attempts to lift Sehyoon up, but he gets ahold of the knife once more, slashing at Yuchan’s thigh.

Everyone jumps to their feet to assist the youngest and attempt to tame Sehyoon, who’s just realized what he’s done.

Seeing his friend’s blood on the knife makes the alcohol do a U-turn, but he manages to hold it in and heads for the door instead and to his surprise, who he was in preparation to chase after, stands just a few feet away from the door.

Youngho frowns at the sight of Sehyoon in tears, but does a double take at the slightly moist tool instead. 

He doesn’t hesitate to snatch the knife from Sehyoon, throwing it onto the hallway floor. “What did you do?” 

Sehyoon’s words come out in one complete jumble. “Take me with you, I don’t care where you’re going, I can’t be here.” He obviously hasn’t cared to wipe his own blood from his cheek. His hands are trembling and his eyes, bloodshot. The door he tumbled out of remains agape and before he can process what is actually going on, there’s more of a mess to deal with.

Sehyoon senses it as well and grabs his hands, his eyes are pleading. “Please, let’s go.”

He tries to walk them both away, but the sleeve of his gown is grabbed and he’s pulled in the opposite direction. “What the fuck did you do to him?” Sehyoon’s ears are pulsing, it’s become a task to identify the voice behind him, and he’s feeling lightheaded when he whips his body around to face Byeongkwan.

“I didn’t do anything.” Youngho’s exterior remains calm because of course, he’s the suspect in this, but he’s more confused than ever on the inside.

Byeongkwan uses the arm that isn’t holding down Sehyoon to push Youngho. “Do you see his fucking face? You think this is funny? I’ll kill you in this hallway right now if you don’t tell me what you did.”

Words from his therapist, Youngho’s done well with maintaining and suppressing his anger, even in extreme measures, but right now when he isn’t in the wrong whatsoever is doing just the trick to send him over the edge.

His eyebrow cocks. “Do it.”

The sudden remark makes the competitive side in Byeongkwan spark, he eyes the knife coated in Yuchan’s blood on the floor. This wasn’t how their graduation day was supposed to go. He doesn’t realize how his grip on Sehyoon’s wrist tightens out of spite.

A nasally sound of pain falls from Sehyoon and he’s twisting his body every which way to free himself, but it only ensures more damage.

Youngho takes notice. “You’re hurting him.” He takes a step forward to reach for Sehyoon, but Byeongkwan counters in retrograde. “Don’t touch him.”

“It wasn’t my intention, but you’re hurting him.” He attempts to get ahold of Sehyoon again, but Byeongkwan isn’t letting it happen. He pushes Sehyoon until his backside collided with the wall, then covers his frame entirely.

“Kwannie,” Sehyoon groans from behind him, “I think I’m gonna throw up.” 

“Leave.” Byeongkwan gestures to the elevator with his chin.

“He said he wants to come with me, so let him and I’ll go.”

“Whatever you’re trying to do, stop. He isn’t yours.”

The response is immediate. “And he’s yours?” 

The thought that Sehyoon isn’t himself right now and if he was sober, none of this would be happen crosses Byeongkwan’s mind and all else falls silent between the two. If Sehyoon was sober, he would’ve stayed with Youngho—wherever they were, instead of coming back to Yuchan’s.

“Mm,” Byeongkwan can feel Sehyoon’s fists urging against his back. “Get off of me.”

Youngho wears a victorious mask. “You heard him.”

Byeongkwan takes a step forward and Sehyoon can barely hold himself upwards, but he’s able to drag himself foot by foot until he falls into Youngho’s arms. He doesn’t know what’ll happen to Sehyoon once the elevator doors shut and he’s back in the hands of the devil, but he only has himself to blame the next time he sees Sehyoon and he’s a different person—if he ever sees him again. 

Youngho’s eyes slice through Byeongkwan as their backs begin to face him. Yuchan will probably beat his ass while wounded if he goes back into the apartment empty handed. 

“Is everything okay?”

Byeongkwan’s no longer holding his breath and the elevator closes without the two in it, Youngho only turns slightly to be met with Junhee, his hair has been mussed by the wind and he’s almost as taken away as Byeongkwan to see Sehyoon in the arms of someone else.

“What is he doing?” Junhee’s words are targeted towards Byeongkwan, but his eye contact doesn’t break with Youngho.

“He’s coming with me.”

“Says who?” 

“Says him.” Junhee pans to Sehyoon barely standing on his own feet, neck deep into the other’s chest, that isn’t him.

He slowly approaches the two. “You think he can make smart decisions for himself right now?” 

“You’re calling him dumb?” 

“I’m not calling him _dumb_ ,” Junhee bites back, “I’m saying he’s drunk and you’re looking a bit manipulative right now.”

“And who are you?” 

“Park Junhee, he’s coming back inside.” His hand falls atop Sehyoon’s arm and Youngho doesn’t fight back, he can’t, after all. The name holds more power than he ever will.

Byeongkwan doesn’t hesitate to follow suit after they’ve re-entered the apartment. He’s sure to grab the knife before doing so and dismissing the urge to plunge it into the body who stands near the elevator, speechless.

He pauses one foot over the threshold. “Fuck you.” His eyes dart to Youngho for a split second before the door slams and he heads for the bathroom to assist Yuchan.

Junhee finds the room Sehyoon’s staying in, laying him on the bed, not bothering with the blanket. Sehyoon looks helpless. His eyelids are wrinkled as he barely fights the alcohol promising release from his system, his forehead his damp and cheeks are a tinting red, Junhee would tend to his every problem right now, but his sole task by Yuchan was to get him to bed, nothing more, all the less. 

They’re done. He shouldn’t care that Sehyoon might be cold despite the sweating or the fact that he maybe doesn’t want to be left alone right now, that isn’t his business anymore, but why can’t he leave the thought alone?

He takes one more glance at the boy just a few inches away from him and his heart is aching, but he turns for the door in response to it. It seems Sehyoon has other plans, he barely stops him, one finger tapping Junhee’s hand, it’s enough to get and keep his attention.

“You’re really a fucking douche,” his eyes are still closed, but he’s more than aware of who he’s talking to. “How are you gonna leave without putting the blanket on me?”

Junhee chuckles under his breath before catering to his want which takes a few minutes because he’s dealing with practical dead weight, but it gets done and Sehyoon looks the slightest content at the least. “All good?” 

Sehyoon shakes his head as softly as possible. “No.” 

“What else?” 

His eyes flicker open, Junhee feels like there’s a hand clasping his throat. There aren’t words for a second, they just stare at each other, how they used to when one would drop the other off and they wouldn’t know when the next time they’d see each other, but now it’s killing them both more than ever. Sehyoon has plans to make his move back to Gwangju in the next week and Junho’s urging Junhee to fly to Japan a month early to train.

“I miss you.” Sehyoon looks away when it’s said and it’s almost like he isn’t intoxicated right now, but he wouldn’t have the nerve to say this if he wasn’t.

Junhee wishes he could hit a rewind button and ignore Sehyoon’s finger dangling at his skin because he doesn’t want to hear this, so he watches the floor do nothing instead, praying that Sehyoon’s oblivious enough to the atmosphere so he can leave.

“I know you fucking heard me.” Or not.

He didn’t think they’d be having this talk, but he should’ve prepped regardless. “And I miss you too but—” 

He barely catches the last part because there’s no subtle way to put it, not for Sehyoon, but for himself. He doesn’t want to have to say this, ever. “But what?”

Junhee sighs. “We can’t be together, Sehyoon.” 

Sehyoon sits up at this, holding his head in the process of. “I don’t understand.” The slur in his words has faded and Junhee doesn’t know how long it’s been since he’s drank, but time must really be on their side.

“It’s—we just can’t.”

He’s far from pleased. “We just can’t? So a week ago you had so much to say now it’s just because we can’t? Are you serious?” 

Of course he isn’t. “I gotta go.”

Sehyoon holds his breath until Junhee’s hand goes for the doorknob. “If you leave this room, that’s it. I swear you’ll cease to exist in my book.”

And he probably means it, but maybe it’s best for them. Maybe they really aren’t the destined lovers they wanted to be. Maybe this _was_ just a college fling that they both refuse to let go of. Maybe there are more _fish_ _in_ _the_ _sea_ as they say and they’ll both find their dear no one someday. But, nothing’s for certain. Junhee’s eyes are closed when he twists the knob and enters the hallway.

 **...**

Sehyoon feels the need to send _everyone_ a sorry message that morning. Everything is as fresh as a daisy to him and he’s almost embarrassed to leave the guest room and start with Yuchan.

The first place that attracts him is the kitchen and sure enough, the younger doesn’t seem the least affected by the night prior as he stirs at a pot.

“Chanie..” he feels so shameful to even stand in his home right now.

“Oh, hyung!” He beams and Sehyoon’s eyes fall to the bandage wrapped around his thigh. “How are you feeling? I have hangover soup for you, it’s nearly finished.”

Sehyoon leans against the wall. “Forget about me right now. I promise to you I wasn’t in my right mind last night and—”

“I know, you’re sorry, and it’s okay! That was probably the worst I’ve seen you drunk and things happen, I’m fine though, no worries.” He smiles and does a dance to ensure his condition. It would usually make Sehyoon laugh, but there’s a sharp pain at his jaw when his cheeks attempt to pull.

His palm caresses the targeted spot and as expected, there’s a fresh scar. It takes a minute to recall how it bloomed. “Ah, that’s right, I fell.” 

“You fell?” The spoon pauses in the middle of the pot. “We thought—forget it, let’s clean it before you get an infection.” 

Yuchan begins to lead the way to the bathroom and Sehyoon wants so badly to clear the air on Youngho, but there’s no chance in hell anyone would believe after all the shit he’s been through, so he holds his tongue instead and allows Yuchan to disinfect the area. 

“I spoke with my dad just a few minutes ago.” 

“Yeah? What happened?”

“I’ve decided to go back to Gwangju.”

The pace of alcohol swab slows on his cheek, then picks up again as if Yuchan isn’t affected by the sudden news. “For good?”

Sehyoon nods and the boy looks broken. “Seoul has been so overwhelming..I feel like I’ve had more bad memories than good. So, I’m gonna move back home for the time being and after I fulfill the request of my dad to meet some daughters of his military friends, he agreed to help me open my own dance studio and if that does me justice along with some art stuff I have planned, I’ll move out on my own.” 

“Is it because of what’s been going on lately?”

There’s no need in lying. “Mostly, but I also promised my sister I would come home.” 

“I understand, but you have to come and visit me every now and then. Promise, hyung. My home will always be your home.” He holds his thumb and pinky out for Sehyoon to complete, he does. “When do you leave?” 

“Later today, but I have to do something to make up for last night. It won’t sit with me if I know I left without compensation.” 

Yuchan shoos his hand around. “It isn’t necessary, but I know you won’t budge, so lunch? If that’s enough for you.”

Sehyoon has to smile with the side of his face that isn’t being tended to. “Sounds great.”

**...**

“Is this really how you wanna spend today? Running?”

Junhee double knots his sneaker, phone wedged between his head and shoulder. “I have a 10 mile practice today, my trainer’s come all the way to Suncheon for this, kind of don’t have a choice.”

Donghun’s voice is whiny. “We always do something for your birthday though.”

“And we still can, just a little later than usual. I’ll try to get a few more sprints in.”

“Don’t push yourself, superstar.”

Junhee grabs the water bottle and banana his father left for him on the counter. “I won’t.”

“I’m serious, Junhee.” 

He sighs. “I promise I won’t.”

There’s a draw of silence on the line while Junhee situates his items in his car, Donghun hums before resuming the conversation. “Meet me at my place whenever you finish?” 

“You want me to come back to Seoul only after a week?”

“Please? My parents wanted to see you as well.” 

The gear propels as he begins to pull out of the driveway. “I suppose, I’ll be there.”

And of course it already feels like he’s doing most of the work on his own day, but he wouldn’t expect nonetheless dealing with his best friend. Not that he hates it, but this year he just expects something more, he _wants_ something more. 

Someone more.

Which is why he left Seoul. Granted it’d be far much easier for him and his trainer to be together on a day to day basis there, but for Junhee’s own well-being, he had to come back home.

Which wasn’t the best idea because Gwangju is far closer to his hometown than Seoul, but there’s too many memories in the city that he’d drive by everyday if he agreed to stay back at their condo or with Donghun and his family until it was time to fly to Japan. This was worth it. 

And although his trainer doesn’t complain about the near hour long drives to their destinations for practice, Junhee still feels as if he’s wasting his time. Never once did the thought cross his mind that he’d walk into the Olympian arena with local gold and out with a worldwide accomplishment hanging from his neck, the fantasy sounds neat, but he doesn’t think he has what it takes. Scratch that, he doesn’t. He’s Park Junhee to South Korea but just the boy from _that_ _country_ to the world. 

But that doesn’t stop him from trying.

“Wanna take a breather?” His trainer has years on him, but Junhee knows he’s far from weary, they’re only a two miles in.

He scoffs through staggered breathing. “Who do I look like, hyung?”

The older man forms a gap between the two of them, they finished a hill not even five minutes ago just to face another. On second thought, he might want the breather. “Someone who’s letting a forty year old man beat him up a baby hump.”

“Ah yes, says the four time olympian.” 

To be truthful, Junhee has the stamina to keep up with the man, but it’s eight in the morning and in spite of the fact that running is god’s gift to him, this is the last place he wants to be and the last thing he wants to be doing right now. It’s his birthday and all he wants is Sehyoon. 

He wants to be immersed in his arms, pretending to sleep though he’s an early bird, just to have Sehyoon sleep longer. He wanted him to have been the first one to wish him a happy birthday and the last set of eyes his met before the clock struck twelve. He wants to apologize and make things right because he doesn’t wanna wait until it’s too late to hash things out, but he’s at a constant war against himself and it doesn’t look as if it’ll be ending anytime soon. He wants his favorite boy back and if he can’t have that, then this is just another day in his world. 

But it feels far from that because his mind is still fucked and his trainer has seemed to take notice. Junhee is too far behind to even see for starters, but he’s been the “let’s just run and get this over with” athlete since they met not even half an hour ago. No warm ups, no small talk, he just wanted to run because he’s tired of breaks. But right now? He’s desperate for one.

“What’s going on, kid?” He waits for Junhee to make it to the top of the hill.

“What do you mean?”

“Breathe,” he gestures to Junhee’s arms which clasp overtop his head immediately. “Then I’ll tell you what I mean.”

Junhee’s never been this short of breath before it’s almost embarrassing to have the man wait for him to be comfortable enough to speak.

“I think this goes without saying, but you obviously aren’t yourself, Junhee.” And Junhee’s thankful that he continued because he, himself, did not have a reply planned. “This is the first time you’ve slacked since I met you. If you’re tired, then I’d have no problem taking a few days off, the games may not wait, but your health always comes first.”

He can’t spare a few days. “I’m fine. Really, I’m not tired.”

“So what? I know I’m not your father, but we aren’t moving until you tell me what’s really going on.” He leans forward to plant his hand atop Junhee’s shoulder. “You can tell me anything, Junhee.”

At this point, he isn’t sure what he has to lose other than a race. “Uh, have you been in love before?”

“I have a wife and two kids.” 

“Right.” Junhee scratches at his nape. “It’s stupid, forget it. Let’s just keep going.”

But he’s the only one who takes a step forward. “Until you tell me what’s really going on.” Junhee watches him get comfortable in the standing position.

“It really isn’t that serious, though. I’ll deal with it later, we have such a long way to go.”

“You have to be one of the worst liars I’ve ever met, kid.” He scans Junhee’s figure one time. “Are you in love?” 

Junhee’s cursing himself for letting another in. “Something like that..” 

“Something like that?” 

He bites down on his tongue before answering. “I mean yeah, but—” 

“But?” 

“But we broke up and I don’t know what to do anymore..it’s like I lost a part of me and—” 

“And it makes it harder to function and master daily tasks such as running a mile.”

Junhee stares at the older man sideways. “How did you..”

“You’re standing in my shoes, kid. It happens to the best of us.” He gives Junhee a sympathetic smile and it makes him feel like shit. “There was this girl who I swore I was head over heels for in my college years, she was amazing. We even found a place together not too long after we graduated and things were going so fast and before I knew it, the honeymoon phase ended and things started to unravel that I didn’t like.”

“Living under a roof with someone really makes you nitpick at everything you thought you couldn’t hate about them. But nonetheless, I was still in this one hundred percent, I wanted to be with her until I was on my deathbed. I’m sure there were things she couldn’t stand about me, but we never communicated and that was probably our worst mistake. It tore me inside out and the time came when I had to attend my first Olympics, I was busier than ever, there were times when I wouldn’t even come home for days because of training.”

“But whenever I did make it home, it was hell. I had no time for her and it was obvious she didn’t like it, but she never said anything, neither did I. We would argue sometimes over nothing, things that didn’t even matter because of the big problem at hand that we refused to face. And it messed with me so much that I started to struggle at practice and my coach would scold me and just then I realized that my two worlds were colliding. But still, I didn’t want to face it.” 

“So I pretended everything was peachy and I was just having a few bad days. There were times when I skipped practice and didn’t go home, but found a hotel to stay at for a few days just to be alone, away from all of the stress and pressure, but still that didn’t work. My coach left me a voicemail one morning saying that he’d kick me off of the team and withdraw my entry from the games if I didn’t get my shit together in the next few days and I knew from that point that I had to choose between her and my passion, track and field.” 

Junhee’s eyebrows are furrowed and he’s fully engrossed in what the man has to say. “But you won. You got the gold at your first games, then the game after that and so on.” 

“Then you know what I chose.”

“So you didn’t love her after all?” 

His mood has taken a dip. “I loved her more than I loved myself, but I wanted to win as well. It ate me up inside for months, but the hard work paid off in the end, I guess.”

“Did you ever see or hear from her again? Are you guys still in contact now?”

“I haven’t seen her since I told her we couldn’t be together.” 

Junhee wants to forget what was just said, it hits too close to home and it scares him to death to think about. “But you’re happy now, right?” 

“Of course, kid. I love my family, but I just wish things could’ve been better between us in the end.” There’s a pause and he hesitates, but just slightly before continuing. “So I’m gonna ask you, do you wanna continue this run or go home?”

He doesn’t want to find someone else. There is no one else but Sehyoon, it’s always gonna be him. Sehyoon’s the only person in the world to him. He’s all Junhee ever wants.

But this is also his life and career on the line. He’s been letting his heart do the deciding for him up until now and he wants it to be worth it, but if the cause isn’t willing to hear him out then what’s the point of wasting his time? 

Is he wasting his time? 

His trainer watches him with patient eyes. He doesn’t know who or what he’s listening to anymore. “I wanna run.”

“Then let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no bs..i just want them happy at this point as much as y’all do 
> 
> hopefully this isn’t getting Too boring i know it’s a pain to sit through uneventful shit but i hope everyone’s doing well ^_^
> 
> there’s maybe about 5 chapters left of this? so expect some things soooon


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